Flacid Snakeoil

You know those awful, godawful ads for Enzyte, the one with the guy with the smile because he got finally got it up long enough to get laid last night? Yeah, you know the one. Well, guess what?

It's Total Fraud.

Snake Oil.

100% Bullsh*t.

Their ads featured a glowing customer satisfaction survey, testimonials from happy Enzyte users, a promise of better sex within 30 days and a claim that a Harvard doctor developed the pill's formula.

But a company executive who helped sell Enzyte ratted them out. None of it was true.

James Teegarden Jr., the former vice president of operations at Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, explained in U.S. District Court how the company simply made up the content that appeared in Enzyte ads.

He said employees of the Forest Park company created fictitious doctors to endorse the pills, fabricated a customer-satisfaction survey and made up numbers to back up claims about Enzyte's effectiveness.

Judge S. Arthur Spiegel, "So all this is a fiction?"

Teegarden, "That's correct, your honor."

Teegarden's testimony is key to the case federal prosecutors are making against Berkeley and its founder, Steve Warshak, who is accused of orchestrating a $100 million conspiracy to defraud thousands of customers.

Warshak faces up to 20 years in prison and millions of dollars in penalties if his trial ends with a conviction. Several other company employees, including Warshak's mother, (huh?) Harriet, also are charged with participating in the conspiracy.

Teegarden, who has pleaded guilty and is cooperating with prosecutors, said Warshak oversaw the phony ads and every other aspect of Berkeley's business.

"He was intimately involved with all of it," Teegarden said. "He knew what was going on in the departments all the time."

Teegarden said Warshak told him to create two spreadsheets of data to support claims that Berkeley was making in Enzyte ads.

One spreadsheet purportedly showed how the pills increased penis size by an average of 24 percent, when in fact no customers had reported such results. Instead, Teegarden said, he made up the numbers.

Another report he created showed customer-satisfaction ratings of 96 percent for Enzyte customers. But prosecutors showed jurors an e-mail from Warshak that they said asked Teegarden to fix the numbers.

"Here's the spreadsheet you wanted," Teegarden responded via e-mail. "Let me know if you want me to doctor it up some more."

Jurors saw several magazine ads for Enzyte and other Berkeley products with titles such as "Maximize the Pleasure" and "Harder Than Chinese Arithmetic," all promising to enhance the sexual experience. Come on, that's brilliant marketing!!

What it was:

Enzyte was nothing more than a bunch of supplements glued together - you know the usual suspects of ginseng, ginko biloba, palmetto, sawdust, half eaten M&M's, peanut shells, gum, whatever.

Since none of that is regulated by FDA... even though it looked like a drug... No harm. No foul.

They used the term "male enhancement" to be intentionally vague to avoid charges that they offered specific medical benefits or claimed that their product could be used to cure, treat, diagnose, or DO anything. Seems like they defeated that purpose? But it seems the product or claims isn't what got them in trouble.

It's how they made all the cash:

When customers ordered a product, the company's goal was to keep charging their credit cards for as long as possible, Teegarden said.

He said first-time customers were automatically enrolled in a "continuity program" that sent Enzyte to their homes every month and charged their credit cards without authorization.

"Without continuity, the company wouldn't exist," he said. "It was the sole profit of the business."

If customers complained, he said, employees were instructed to "make it as difficult as possible" for them to get their money back. In some cases, Teegarden said, Warshak required customers to produce a notarized statement from a doctor certifying that Enzyte did not work.

"He said it was extremely unlikely someone would get anything notarized saying they had a small penis," Teegarden said.

Warshak's lawyers will not get a chance to cross-examine Teegarden until sometime today, and they declined to comment on his accusations. Warshak, however, said he did nothing wrong.

"I'm absolutely sure that no crimes occurred at Berkeley," he said.

The Enzyte ads have been called Smiling Bob commercials because of the main character. (story link)

And the best part is - you'll never have to see those effing commercials anymore!

You know, I almost feel bad for that actor. He'll never work again. He's the new Pet.com sock puppet of male actors. I hope he saved up. But you know, he knew what he was getting into. He knew he'd be typecast as that smiling "Smell My Finger" character forever - company fraud or not. The fraud makes it a little easier to feel bad for him. But, you know he could have said no to the truck full of money... like I said, almost.

Maybe he should sue them too? Then he can get his smile back.