Mar 31, 2006

Eamus Earnius

Baseball season is among us again. By far the sport that creates the most entertaining arguments and the greatest sporting experience. I think the reason that Barry Bonds has created such a stir is that there is a taint involving his (potential) records that will now be argued, for good reason, with a "Yea, but he was on steroids." It will be hard to compare him and Ruth. The Babe used hot dogs, hookers and beer. Bonds used testosterone decanoate, human growth hormone, Clear, and the Cream. Ruth should not have been able to get out of bed, let alone hit a baseball. I digress, however.

In order to enlighten the few that are unaware of what the sign over the right field bleachers means ("Eamus Catuli 036198") I will explain and then give my number one Cubs gripe. It is good to clear the slate and get things off of your chest before the start of the new baseball season.

The sign (pictured above) has two sections to it. The words "Eamus Catuli" and the series of cryptic numbers; this year they are 036198. "Eamus Catuli" is a latin phrase that means "Let's go Cubs." A latin professor that I read on-line but can't find a link to claims that "Catuli "means "Panther Cub" and that the sign should read "Eamus Ursuli" or "Let's go Bear Cubs." I kind of hope that this is true because it would be goddamned hysterical in a true Cubs fashion. But none-the-less, it is accepted in Chicago's North Side that "Eamus Catuli" is "Let's go Cubs."

Now the numbers are depressing. In fact the most depressing thing a batter can do in let's say for example a game six of a NLCS is look at that sign. "036198" should be broken down into three groups of numbers. The first two "03" are the number of years since they won the division. The "61" is the number of years since they have won the Conference. The (God help us) "98" is the number of years since they won the World Series. I feel all the numbers should be one less. It has not yet been three full years since they won the division. If we won the World Series last year the sign would read "010101" and I would like it to read "000000." It would be more of a feeling of accomplishment for me.

Now to my angry Cub rant. Why is the first statue placed outside of Wrigley field for Harry Caray? God Damn! I enjoyed Harry as much if not more than anyone. His not being able to pronounce names. Forgetting a game was going on while he rambled about how he once saw Don Baylor (then an Oriole) get caught stealing twice in an inning, which although true could probably have waited until after the home run call. I liked his sitting in the bleachers amongst the bums. I liked him. I did. But no statue.

First of all, he was also an announcer for the Cardinals (25 yrs.), the A's (1 yr.), the White fucking Sox (11 yrs.) and a measly 16 years with the Cubs. Secondly he said shit like, "How does a guy born in Mexico lose a pop-up in the sun?" Endearing, yes. Deserving of the first statue outside Wrigley, no.

"OK, F", I hear you say, "who should have gotten the first statue outside Wrigley?"

Well, my faithful reader, how about #14? Our favorite shortstop. A man that loved the game so damn much he wanted to play two. How about a Gold Glover, a two time MVP (once while on the worst team in the league), a perennial All-Star. How about a guy whose fucking nickname is "Mr. Cub?" I would much rather walk by a statue of Ernie Banks to recall what Wrigley and the Cubs mean to me. Not a happy-go-lucky drunk. A hard playing, ball crushing, Hall of Famer is more representative to me of what the Cubs should be.

One final thing. Why are they renaming the bleachers? The Bud Light Bleachers? For real? Oh, Jesus. See what a Harry Caray statue does to a historic park?

Coming soon a three-toed dog.

Mar 28, 2006

Ribot 101 and Ciao CT

My parents sold their house in Connecticut. Kind of sad. Kind of not. I will no longer have an excuse to take a trip into NY city. The saddest part, really, will be the lack of Marc Ribot. He seems to play in New York approximately 95% of the time.

If you don't know Marc Ribot he is the guitarist that out-played Keith Richards on Raindogs. He has played with Costello, Zorn, The Lounge Lizards and a bunch of wacky jazz-like guys in NYC. He had a Cuban band for a while called Los Cubanos Postizos (the prosthetic Cubans) that had two great albums, Muy Divertido and Los Cubanos Postizos. he is also known for his band Shrek which was pre-movie. This was a combination jazz, punk, blues, sound effectsy thing. His best album in this genre being A Yo I Killed Your God. Good stuff if you're feeling like something different than you have ever heard.

I did get to see him at the Old Town School of Folk Music a few weeks ago so maybe there is hope I can still see him. The show was awesome! He plays a guitar with an amazing lack of respect, humor and excellence that I have never seen in a real musician (No offense Sid). During the OTSFM show at one point he crammed a pen between the neck and the strings at somewhere in the neighborhood of the 10th and 8th frets. While he was keeping a "bluesy" kinda riff going with only the fingers on his left hand, he alternated between playing the strings before the bridge and the strings where they dangle after the nut. Y'know, the area they hang out on at the end. Then suddenly, he started stomping on balloons that had kinda been laying around on the stage while moving the pen down the neck.

At this moment two odd things happened somewhat simultaneously. I was under the impression that this was sort of an ad-libbed piece. An improvisational jam, if you will. As the balloons were stomped I heard an odd half-snort / quarter-snore / quarter startled throat noise from my wife, to my left, who had been rudely awakened by the balloons popping. I glanced subtly to my right to the artsy-fartsy girl who was telling me pre-show about seeing Marc in NY. I was hoping she did not notice the noise my wife had made. She didn't. She did, however, noticed my glance and said, "This is my favorite song on his new album."

Now I own the new album. I have listened to it three more times since the show and can not figure out if this chick was full of shit or if I simply do not understand my favorite guitarists work. Maybe there is another album . . . One way or another I cannot find this song. If I do, I am sure it will sound identical to the live version.

I get carried away talking about him so I will wrap it up with a few things to get you on your way before I get back on mine. There is an on-line show with Marc here if you would like to hear a smattering of his work. He also punks out some Masada stuff (Jewish music) that is very different. I don't think I get it and I don't think it is because I am not Jewish. I digress

Anyway, my parents are off to NC. Asheville to be exact. I believe that this not too far from Bubba. Is this true Bubba? If it is do you want a guest this September? I won't run a million mile marathon, however, I will drink a two mile one. Anyone else in this area? I'm game. I am trying to do anything to avoid high school reunions or walking around goddamn Westport, CT by myself. West Coast? Word up if you want a rambler onboard. I will bring the music.

Mar 27, 2006

Tin Foil over New York

Have you ever heard the expression "tin-foil hat?" It is an expression used for simply to imply that someone may be paranoid. OK, maybe not may be. It seems that some of the mentally ill among us, especially the schizophrenics, believe that if they carefully place tin foil on their heads it will prevent bad things from happening. Some of these bad things include hearing voices in one's head, being abducted by aliens, or being in a terrible Mel Gibson movie. According to the Straight Dope it is not terribly effective.

The lack of effectiveness does not prevent people from trying to capitalize on the concept. In fact, this guy claims that "Not only do they protect against incoming signals, but they also block most forms of brain scanning and mind reading, keeping the secrets in your head truly secret. AFDBs are safe and operate automatically. All you do is make it and wear it and you're good to go! Plus, AFDBs are stylish and comfortable." The bolding is my doing to emphasize the most valuable bits of information in the paragraph. My favorite part is the picture of the mannequin wearing the seemingly unfashionable thing on his head.

Why do I suddenly bring this up? Well, I was reading the NY Post. No, really. I came across this article on Kathleen "KT" McFarland who is running against Hillary Clinton for the NY Senate seat. Apparently, last Thursday in a speech in NY KT had a very interesting sentence in her speech:
Hillary Clinton is really worried about me, and is so worried, in fact, that she had helicopters flying over my house in Southampton today taking pictures."
McFarland's aids claim she was joking but a GOP activist said, "She wasn't joking, she was very, very serious, and she also claimed that Clinton's people were taking pictures across the street from her house in Manhattan, taking pictures from an apartment across the street from her bedroom." Her spokesman, a different William O'Reilly said:

"It was a joke, and people laughed," O'Reilly insisted.

But three witnesses who were present said nobody in the audience cracked a smile.

"The whole room sort of went silent when she said it," one person said.

"You could see peoples' jaws drop after she said it. A guy next to me just turned to me and said, 'I guess she didn't take her Xanax today,' " the witness added.

Why do I bring this up? Well, Clinton's campaign manager, Howard Wolfson, had two excellent replies.

Reply #1: "We at the Hillary campaign wish Ms. McFarland the best and hope she gets the rest she needs."

Reply #2:
"Some campaigns hand out campaign buttons; the McFarland campaign hands out tinfoil hats with antennas."

Awesome! As a public service announcement I would like you all to know that tin foil is for the head and Saranwrap is for the body:
If I get into a seminar where I feel instant draining, and I don't have time to do anything about it because my attention is too scattered and pulled and I can't focus like I need to, then I excuse myself and go slap on my Saranwrap and there's a happy ending. The only bad thing about this is: you'll sweat like a pig beneath it. Bummer.
Coming soon. The three best albums of 2005 and a three-toed dog.

Mar 24, 2006

The gift that keeps on giving

I know I have an unhealthy obsession towards this movie. Snakes on a Plane is like the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Tupac Shakur, and Heidi Fleiss all half digested together in the belly of an anaconda. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving. You thought that was it for this movie, didn't you? A plane, a few snakes, Sammy L. and that Kel kid from Nickolodeon. If you did, you would be mistaken.

An article on has even more information on the Best. Movie. Ever. It seems that the cast has reassembled to shoot ADDITIONAL FOOTAGE for the movie.

In this case, it wasn't the usual reshoot, hastily assembled to fix a nagging story problem. Instead, the studio decided to create new scenes that would take the movie from PG-13 into R-rated territory.

Hell, yea. What could they possibly add you ask? How about "more gore, more death, more nudity, more snakes and more death scenes?" How about that. I always thought they were a few breasts away from the perfect movie. And now perfection! Best. Perfect. Movie. Ever.

But wait, that's not all. They have also "shot a scene where Jackson does utter the line that fans have demanded." What is that line you ask? How about, "I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!" That's right, bitch-ass snakes. Sam wants you off the motherfucking plane! God damn, that is awesome! Not only that but the line was added due to popular demand on the internet. True that.

They also mention the song contest. My song (version 1) is a few posts down. Give it a listen. I will be asking for your vote on the 18th of April. If you have suggestions, please let me know.

One final item and then I will let this rest until version two of the song. Check this site out. Here is my favorite but rest assured that the site has snakes on all kinds of fucking things that I want them off of.

Special thanks to Jim for bringing that site to my attention.

Coming soon, a three-toed dog.

Bradley: An addendum

Even though they lost, I give a hardy congrats to the mighty Brave(s). They gave me more fun for the tourny than I have had in a long time. Hopefully, P.O'B. will stick around another year so that Bradley can build a good team for years to come.

Good job, BU. Now, stop asking me for money.

Mar 23, 2006

Where in the world are the Braves?

Chicago: Harry Caray's 33 West Kinzie St.

Peoria: inPlay 316 SW Washington
Robertson Memorial Fieldhouse (on campus)

West Palm Beach, FL: The Original Steak House 550 Rosemary Ave

DC: Bailey's 2010-A Crystal Drive (Arlington, VA)

St. Louis: Ozzie's Restaurant and Sports Bar 645 Westport Plaza

New York: PROOF 239 3rd Ave

Indianapolis: Champps Downtown at Circle Center Mall 49 W Maryland Street

Centennial, CO: Indigo JoeÂ’s 6631 South Peoria Street Suite 100

Colorado wins for best address. Good Luck and enjoy!

Mar 22, 2006

S.O.A.P. Collector's Edition

this is an audio post - click to play

What is that fancy little icon above? Version One of Snakes On A Plane the soundtrack. It is not ready for entry yet but it is on it's way. The long drum intro is to accommodate the creepy string section going in the front. The middle higher pitched part needs the rappish lyrics recorded. I printed the first draft of the lyrics below. You will notice that the quality is not very good. The only way to get audio into this blog is through a thing called audioblogger. It is done on a phone. I had to hold my headphones up to the phone and record that way. In fact, you will hear me get new mail half way through the song. None-the-less, version one of Jef's magical audio tour of Snakes On The Plane. For the final I will find a way to get a high quality in.

Where you gonna go?
You're on a fucking plane!
No where to run
On this goddamn plane!
There in the seat front
It's all I can take
Get me off this plane
filled with snakes!

One item does not a collector's edition make. You can order a T-Shirt by clicking on the picture below. New T-Shirt next update of the song.

Finally may I give you the trailer. Y'know, in case you were too lazy to follow the link last time. I understand; it's just snakes on the plane. Enjoy! Next up: Bradley Braves and the three-toed dog.

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Get your copy of the player here

Mar 21, 2006

Best. Movie. Ever.

I suppose I should prelude this post with the following warnings. There will be what many of the on-line community call spoilers. However, I can't imagine how this movie could possibly be spoiled. Secondly, profanity will be posted. After all, Samuel L. Jackson will be quoted. I apologize in advance for my indiscretion but this is fucking awesome! Considered yourself warned as we find out about the Best. Movie. Ever.

I am sure that any of you who frequent other blogs are aware of the existence of this movie but it is my duty to share knowledge whenever and wherever I can. On August 18th of this year (2006) New Line Cinema will release a Samuel L. Jackson film titled, Snakes On A Plane. Hell's yea!

You ask, "What is so awesome about this movie?" I reply, "What isn't?" Here are the top 6 bullet points to prove to you that Snakes On A Plane will be the Best. Movie. Ever.

  • The title: You got snakes. You got a plane. You got big fucking trouble. According to Wikepedia they tried to change the title to "Pacific Air Flight 121." But luckily my main man Sammy put his foot down, "We're totally changing that back. That's the only reason I took the job: I read the title." Goddamned right.
  • The trailer: From the opening line ("Enough is enough. I've had it with these snakes.") delivered with grace and artistry that only Samuel L. Jackson can muster to the quick cuts of rubber critters dangling from luggage bins and car alarm commercial CGI's showing giant white fangs, this could be the single greatest trailer ever. They don't give up the best moments or the best jokes or even a plot. They do give you snakes. On a plane. And a lot to look forward to in the theatre.
  • Greatest blog entry ever. Check this out. This motherfucker was going to work on the film until they tried to change the title. And he enters a new phrase into the English lexicon. One I have adopted. I quote him.
Somewhere in between "Cest la vie", "Whattya gonna do?" and "Shit happens" falls my new zen koan "Snakes on a Plane".

WIFE: "Honey you stepped in dog poop again. "
ME: "Snakes on a Plane..."
  • Samuel L. Jackson yelling, “IÂ’m tired of these motherfuckinÂ’ snakes on a plane." Not me. In fact, I want more snakes on the plane. Red snakes. You got red ones?
  • Many snake deaths: Makes sense, right? In the trailer we see Sammy using a snake as a whip. Fire hatchet cutting the snake in half. Shooting of a fucking snake WHILE ON AN AIRPLANE! Punching the snake in his motherfucking reptilian head. Goddamn! That's in 20 short seconds. Imagine how many snakes there must be on this plane.
  • Write the theme song contest: Yep, you can write the theme song. Submit it here. In fact, I am so inspired I am writing one tonight. If I figure out how to upload it we will all have a very snakey Christmas. If you write and produce one i will happily put it up here. Seriously. I would be happy to do it. Not kidding.
The only downer to this whole Snakes On A Plane thing is that we have to wait until August to see this must-see-in-a-theatre blockbuster. Until then we are stuck with The Shaggy Dog. Oh well, snakes on a plane.

Mar 20, 2006

Hell's yea!! (pt. 2)

Sure I got excited about the Bears. And yes, I get that "is it this year?" Cubs syndrome after they win one freakin' game. I even thought the Fire got jobbed out of the finals last year. But Bradley could be the real deal.

Last time we made it this far we had an offensive little caricature leading the way. Let's party like it is 1952!

For you non-Peoriaites ~ We are now the Braves y'know like an adjective, a descriptor and not the noun Braves ala Atlanta. If there is a fire in Peoria, O'Bryant and Sommerville will be the first to run in to save your cuddly cats. How can you not root for that?

Update: Bradley alumnus welcomed to Harry Caray's downtown for the game. They have a special room and alcoholic beverages. I was asked by someone to throw it up here. I am sure the university appreciates it on the same page as good ol' Brad.

Mar 17, 2006

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Q: How does Chicago turn its river green for St. Patty's Day?

A: They clean it.

Many years ago a friend of mine (commenter Bruno) dipped his hand into the river during St. Patty's Day. His hand turned a yellowish-blue. He comments here and will probably leave a better description. All I'm saying is don't swim in the river.

Mar 13, 2006

Is Nirvana here?

There are signs that heaven is right here on earth. Shall we?

1) Norwegian lady turns on faucet to clean some dishes and BEER comes out!!

2) Rough day of bouncing? We have a solution. NSFW.

3) Paper plane championships to start.

4) Man creates Reservoir Dogs poster out of the script. Be sure to zoom in and find you favorite parts.

5) Bradley University makes the "Big Dance." Game at 8:30 PM CT on Friday. Where will we be drinking?

Coming soon pictures of a three-toed dog.

Mar 10, 2006

Color Coding Terror

Congratulations to the Department of Homeland Securities fourth anniversary of the color coded terror alert system. On March 12, 2006 the system will officially be 4 years old. Only time they elevated the threat level is pre-election when Bush's poll numbers dipped. Here is a link to a graph correlating poll numbers to terror alerts.

We have been in yellow for all but a week or two of the system being in place. Does it do anyone any good? I have a solution. Let's change this to a picture of Jessica Alba. When the system is Green, she is nude. When the system is Blue she has a bikini on. Yellow = Jeans and slacks, Orange = Rain parka, and Red = Snow suit with a gas mask.

I think the men of the world (cause of most of the trouble) would try a little harder to move us into a low or guarded position. If we can't do that can we get rid of this political tool?

Mar 8, 2006

What happens in Eilat stays in Eilat

OK, this ain't right. I read this article today under most unfortunate circumstances. I was eating my Lean Cuisine. After I spent the next three hours cleaning spaghetti sauce off my monitor, mouse, and keyboard I opted to share it with you, the Blasphemes faithful readers.
"British tourist Sharon Tendler has finally made her dream match - by "marrying" a dolphin she has been visiting for 15 years in the Israeli resort of Eilat, the mass-circulation Yediot Ahronot daily reported today."
For fifteen years, Ms. Tendler (I am assuming that she is a Ms.) has been cruising down to Tel Aviv a few times a year to enjoy the resort of Eilat. Once there she enjoyed the calm waters of the Gulf of Aqaba, wonderful beverages on the beach (read:desert), and visits with her concubine. After a long relationship, she fulfilled her porpoise in life and last Wednesday the two were declared husphin and wife.
"The wedding took place Wednesday, with the bride, wearing a white dress and watched by amazed spectators, walking down the dock to where the groom was waiting in the water.

She kissed him, to the cheers of the spectators and then, after the ceremony was sealed with some mackerels, was tossed into the water so she could swim away with her new husband."
I can only imagine how amazed the spectators must have been. I must admit that I am amazed to even be reading this. I am amazed that the crowd had the forethought to bring mackerals. I wonder where the two swam off to. How fast of a swimmer is she? Are they going to have little mermaids together? Is George Bush aware of this?

Women seem to have this thing for dolphins. On a trip to Isla Mujeres my wife swam with dolphins. At the time I thought little of it. Except for the price. On her return (I was drinking on the beach) she had a picture of her and the dolphin. She had an ear to ear grin that I had not seen on her before. I should look into that a little more now.

On the same trip my sister-in-law went swam with the dolphins as well and wound up dating the dolphin trainer. The language barrier turned out to be too much of a challenge for the relationship to last. Imagine the language barrier with a dolphin. I digress.
"I'm the happiest girl on earth," the bride was quoted as saying. "I made a dream come true. And I am not a pervert."
Uh-huh. Listen, pervert, in a year when your relationship is floundering I don't want to hear it from your blowhole.

Mar 3, 2006

Windy City Tragedies

The Chicago sports scene has been having it's issues the past couple of years. I, being a Chicago sports have had more ups and downs the last few years than the American Eagle. With the Bullies being in a constant growth state and the Hawks, well they just suck I have turned my attention to pre-season baseball which started yesterday with a 8-7 Cubs win over the Oakland A's. I know that nothing is decided in pre-season (although Pie had a 1-2 game and looked sharp out there) but it allows me to enjoy baseball before the annual Cubs collapse.

I looked up the starters and lineups for today's game against the Mariners and guess who is the starting pitcher today for Seattle? Jamie "freakin'" Moyer! Why would that surprise me you ask? Well, Mr. Moyer started his career as a Cub. In 1986. Teammates at the time included Chris Speiers (now a coach for the Cubs), Shawon Dunston, Rhino, Davey Lopes (now 61), Sutcliffe, and the youngest member of the team, Greg Maddux. I thought the dude was dead. Or announcing for some team like the Devil rays that I would not come in contact with.

Just something I noticed. As for the Tragedies, here is the state of all of our sports teams according to Uno Efe, prognosticator.

Cubs: I do not disagree with anything that Hendry has done in this off-season. I would have liked to have another starting pitcher in there but apparently I am the only one that thinks our starting rotation may be a little injury prone. I am sure that Kerry, Mark, and Greg will all pitch complete seasons but in case I would have grabbed lefty Barry Zito in a trade. Just me.

I also would have ignored the calls for Dusty's head. I know that he is not the greatest manager but to change him is to change the staff around him and some players that each coach feels he wants. This team is getting older and is in a win now mode. I like the addition of the relievers and Juan Pierre and if we had them last year we would have really had our hearts broken with the extra wins bringing us merely a game out of the wild card. This year will be just that, me thinks. Just short. Hence, I wanted one more starter.

Bulls: Excellent young team no matter what the record says. We are two years and a few moves from a Detroit type dynasty. I am not kidding. After this year we will get the Knicks first round pick, another of our own and many millions of cap room. No where but up from here. I would like them to make up the 3 games that we are behind and sneak into that 8th spot to get our asses kicked by Detroit in round one. That would help, I think.

Blackhawks: So sad. We were once a team to be envied. Most post seasons in a row. The best jersey in all of sports. Now, we are terrible. I mean terrible. I thought the cap would help "Dollar" Bill play with everyone else but 'twas not be. For the first time I am glad they don;t broadcast the games, it would make me kick the dog.

Bears: Oh boy, give them a year or two and we will RULE THE NFL!!! Best D. in the league. Most excitable team in the league. If Grossman can play we are gold. If he can't, we will buy someone. Repeat after me, Drew Brees.

Fire: They got robbed in the semi-finals last year. They should have been in the championship game and they are not very good on paper. Now, with a new stadium and a few good signs they should be right back in it. I will admit sadness that they no longer play at Soldier. I loved going to the games and sitting in the Cadillac club for $20. I went there for my birthday. My name was on the scoreboard. That was cool. I pretended it was a Bears game.

Machine: Yes, it's true. This year we have a Major League LaCrosse team. I know nothing about them but I do love the sport. I will be at some games and will report after.

Rush: Not a bad team but it is only Arena-ball.

Sky: Goddamn WNBA. What a waste of summer. I have had an idea that would make the WNBA very, very profitable. Outdoor games. Look if you are going to watch the WNBA you might as well be outside and enjoying the summer. Maybe have different court types like tennis. In Chicago, asphalt. In LA, clay. You get the drift.

Anyway, that is my quick breakdown of the scene here. And remember Cubbie fans, next year is here! Did I forget someone? ;)