Jan 31, 2009

Jan 30, 2009

Listen to This

Happy Friday, kids!

It's the Fratellis, with Flathead. Be sure to hit the "HQ" button.

End of Print

Ever wonder why print is going bye-bye? Here's where it started.
Gotta wait until the end comment to get a chuckle...

Unless, you think dial up with a red rotary phone is as hilarious as I do.

Facebook Time Breakdown

Jan 29, 2009

Blago gets Peached [part 15]

In part 15 of ABC's hit TV show Illinois: A Dra-ma Over By Dere, battered and beleaguered Governor Rod Blagojevich plans to speak at the final moments of his Senate trial, as the Lt Gov warms up his Bible. (11:00 AM CST)

Now, if you've been following this excellent new drama, Rod had just gotten off the plane from his trip to New York to meet the girls on The View. Rod was on The View because it is now America's premium forum for geo-political round table discussion and debate. Rod was pleading his case that he's being treated unfairly and that the fix is in. He's also been secretly developing a strategy to create one juror who believes he's either innocent, or criminally insane. It only takes one juror to blow up the criminal complaint against him. My guess is that this will be resolved in Season Two - it ought to be quite a good cliffhanger!

Meanwhile, crafty backhanded Lt. Gov Patrick Quinn has gotten his Bible is ready. The oath has been prepared. The lieutenant governor and his family are on their way down to Springfield. This scene is interposed while Rod's belongings are boxed up and waiting to be picked up at the Executive Mansion. Man, it'd be quite a twist if a trucker who bought his license from Convicted Former Governor George Ryan crashed into the Quinn family on their way! No spoilers - just a suggestion to the writers.

In the preview yesterday, Lt. Gov. Patrick Quinn said, 'I definitely plan to be in Springfield and I will be ready.' Quinn said he has been careful not to be 'presumptuous' over the last seven weeks as the Legislature has marched toward today's expected impeachment and removal from office of Gov. Blagojevich."

A spoiler warning - Mr. Quinn's contract hasn't been picked up for next season, so don't get too attached to him being the new Gov. Be looking for Attorney General Lisa Madigan to be filling the role by Season Three. (Lisa, daughter of Speaker of the House, Mike Madigan - natch)

And I wouldn't be too eager, Mr. Quinn. Old Rod still has some tricks up his sleeves, and might try to pull down you and Mr. Obama and all the other highly connected folks with him. The Senate is offering him 90 minutes. One can imagine the open sewer that will open on that nice clean carpet in the Senate chamber. One can imagine. Looking forward to the Season Finale today!

The Fix is in!

Jan 27, 2009

NO Converter Box Reprieve

President Obama says and the Senate does: They postponed the analog switch four more months. The new date for the analog TV shutdown:
June 12. UPDATE: The House Said NO.

Previously, the analog shutdown was going to happen in February 17. The deadline was set up so that the government could free up "wasted" spectrum so that it could be used to build more robust emergency wireless networks, as well as provide the private sector with more spectrum that could be used to develop new wireless broadband services. The government has already auctioned off most of the unused spectrum. And after February, service providers who won licenses in those auctions will be able to get to work building their next-generation wireless networks... are now going to have to wait a little longer.

Nielsen estimates 6.5 million U.S. homes still with analog TV only, politicians have thought twice about taking the circus from the people, after their inability to give them bread.
[ABC News]

And one other note, the digital box top still requires your dusty, bent RABBIT ears. Really. This box is not the magic bean that makes your wood paneled 27 inch tube into a flat screen HDTV. You still need rabbit ears. In the case of some folks who have been writing in, some of their favorite channels aren't strong enough to get into the new digital box, even with their rabbit ears. You can imagine how pissed these old people are.

Another writer tells me he's in the middle of a couple markets - so he gets the news from two different towns. But now, with the box, they now don't get the other town's signal. He's kind of pissed about that.

The whole gag is that this $40 subsidy for lazy Americans to watch more television has never made any sense, unless you follow what they're going to do with the spectrum that opens up when UHF and VHF open up. In fact, does anyone know why they need to open up all those frequencies for emergency services? Is there something we oughta know? Is this all for AT$T to make WiMax over UHF? Me? I think it's just Comcast and DirecTV trying to connect the last 10% of people who aren't stuck with their products. The best lobbying job I've seen in a while.

Then you've got granny going ape-nuts about not being able to watch her stories. The coupon was lost, then she couldn't get another one, then it snowed, her cat died, then she missed the deadline of using the new coupon... now they've moved the date, so she's all confused...

All I know is that someone is giving old granny and her bent rabbit ears a good punch in the gut with all this converter box nonsense.

What do you think America?

UPDATE: "In my opinion, we could do nothing worse than to delay this transition date," said Joe Barton of Texas, the top Republican on the House Commerce Committee. "The bill is a solution looking for a problem that exists mostly in the mind of the Obama administration."

No, Joe, the problem is this whole thing from the get-go.

Jan 26, 2009

Birth Control = Jobs?

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi defended her move to add birth control funding to the new economic "stimulus" package, claiming "contraception will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government."

The revelation came during an exchange Sunday morning on ABC's THIS WEEK.
STEPHANOPOULOS: Hundreds of millions of dollars to expand family planning services. How is that stimulus?

PELOSI: Well, the family planning services reduce cost. They reduce cost. The states are in terrible fiscal budget crises now and part of what we do for children's health, education and some of those elements are to help the states meet their financial needs. One of those - one of the initiatives you mentioned, the contraception, will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government.

STEPHANOPOULOS: So no apologies for that?

PELOSI: No apologies. No. we have to deal with the consequences of the downturn in our economy.
Mrs. Pelosi, the mother of 5 children and 6 grandchildren, who once said, "Nothing in my life will ever, ever compare to being a mom," seemed to imply babies are somehow a burden on the treasury. Also, note, that the entire Ponzi scheme of Social Security DEPENDS on the birth of more babies, not less, to keep it running.

Forget the birth control - let's just print up pictures of the Speaker of the House and Scotch tape it over the bed frame of every cheep hotel room across the nation. That should take care of the problem.

...and let me offer some advice Mrs. P. if you want to try to keep the Conservatives away from the polling places in two years, don't use taxpayer money for condoms - and we all know she's really talking about abortions. She's going to our tax money (which a couple people might find offensive or against their moral and religious beliefs) to prevent the 'occurrence' of children - all while pretending to create jobs? That's not only silly, it also doesn't make a lick of sense.

And can we nip this hiding crap in the phrase "creating jobs" now? It has become the new "for the Children..." but obviously, in this case, it doesn't apply since it's very much "against the Children." Even Pelosi's not THAT bad of a politician to slip on that banana peel. Give her another week.

Gov Rod

Got this from a faithful reader today:
"Cap'n, This guy is a school teacher from Pontiac and he was on a field trip to Springfield a couple years ago when this picture was taken. His name is Paul Aplington. I don't care who you are, that's funny."

No, funny would have been Rod TAKING the money from Paul,
followed by Rod not stealing from the teacher's pension fund.
Nice try though.

No Earmarks on that Pork Barrel!

President Barack Obama's ban on earmarks in the $825 billion economic stimulus bill [AKA a giant barrel of pork] hasn't stopped interest groups, lobbyists and lawmakers who won't be able to funnel money to pet projects - they're just working around it, and being more secretive about it.

Some of those bacon-y projects? A Metrolink station that needs building in Placentia, Calif.; a stretch of beach in Sandy Hook, N.J., that could really use some more sand; a water park in Miami, a bridge to nowhere to no-wheres-ville... you know, pork.

Typically, thousands of useless tax-funneled projects would have been staple gunned upfront to get'er passed.... but now they have to try to get in on the back end of the process as "ready to go" jobs eligible for the stimulus plan.

The result, as The Associated Press learned in interviews with more than a dozen lawmakers, lobbyists and state and local officials, is a shadowy lobbying effort that may make it difficult to discern how hundreds of billions in federal money will be parceled out.

"'No earmarks' isn't a game-ender," said Peter Buffa, former mayor of Costa Mesa, Calif. "It just means there's a different way of going about making sure the funding is there."

So, to boil this ham down - they're just changing the name 'earmark' to 'job appropriations.' As long as that Miami water park employs someone, then it'll get Congressional money. Sorry, your money.

Jan 25, 2009

Early Rush Spills the Beans

In an interview with Rush Limbaugh (from, oh, 1988 maybe?) he brags exactly how he manipulates his listener's emotions for profit.

Rush Limbaugh - How Talk Radio Works
Rush gives away the magic beans. Like any form of entertainment, the primary goal is to capture the attention of the audience and compel them to keep listening. Rush is remarkably candid in describing his attitude toward his performance and the importance of caller screening.

I've said for years that Rush is nothing more than Howard Stern - but with only one boob. Thanks for proving my point, buddy.

Jan 23, 2009

Cubs for Sale... Lovely, Unwinning, Cubs for Sale

Hey, Hey. Someone bought the Cubs.

Ricketts picked to buy Cubs. Narrowly beats out Measles, Mumps and Mark Cuban


"My family and I are Cubs fans," said Tom Ricketts, the family's point person in the Cubs purchase. "We share the goal of Cubs fans everywhere to win a World Series and build the consistent championship tradition that the fans deserve."

Nice words. Neat, tidy. Just what the kids hooked on your
product want to hear.

I want actions, not words, Sir.

I'm still stung from drinking that laced Kool-Aid last season.
I'm thinking that I agree with Hitler's assessment of the Cubs...
I'm thinking that you and your family way over paid for the Cubs, given the current financial environment, and how Sam Zell took your check while wearing a barrel... (you might have wanted to, I don't know, haggle a little?)

Look, Mr. Ricketts, I am touched that you met your wife in the bleacher section. That's sweet. But soon you'll be taking the keys, and you better put your words into action, or I won't be buying your next PR statement or the product on your field.

Jan 22, 2009

No Lobbyists... except-

On the campaign trail, Obama proclaimed that lobbyists "wouldn't run" his White House. Yesterday, he re-affirmed this pledge announcing that there will be a "no lobbyist" sign on the White House HR Department's door.

Today they're already making exceptions to the rules.

William J. Lynn, III was tapped to fill the No. 2 position at the Defense Department under Defense Secretary William Gates. Lynn is a senior vice president for government relations at defense contractor Raytheon and was a registered federal lobbyist until at least June 30, 2008, according to lobbying disclosure documents filed with Congress. Mr. Wil Lynn was not listed as a lobbyist in Raytheon's third quarter lobbying disclosures.

Jan 21, 2009

City of Shinning Light

This photo sums up contemporary American society fairly well.

Call for Responsibility

Looks like that call for responsibility hasn't sunk in yet.
"What? You expect ME to pick up after MYSELF?"

Rahm: Stay Classy

Time to set aside childish things... (new window)

First Act: Freeze Cuba

President Obama ordered the nation to freeze Cuba.

No doubt he'll just fire up ole' Dick Cheney's Weather Dominator - last used to destroy the levies in New Orleans, to kill African Americans. The Weather Dominator uses three unique parts that -

What's that? President Obama has ordered the U.S. government to suspend prosecutions of prisoners at Guantanamo Bay for 120 days?

Obama had vowed to close the naval prison at the U.S. base. While Obama's order does not go that far, it will stop the prosecutions of 21 detainees currently facing war crimes charges.


And it's time to put away childish things. Yeah, good luck with that one.

Jan 19, 2009

Inauguration Inebriation

The Inauguration Day 2009 Drinking Game*

Drink Every Time Someone Says:

  • “Historic”
  • “Monumental”
  • “Kennedy”
  • “Lincoln”
  • “Change” (as a noun)
  • “Most anticipated inauguration in history”
  • The name of a celebrity who thinks their opinion matters.

Drink Every Time:

  • Joe Biden’s hairplugs are awkwardly noticeable.
  • You see Oprah crying.
  • W glances at his watch.
  • You see a mediocre looking chick with political aspirations in the crowd.
  • Chris Matthews appears to get a boner.
  • You see Obama’s face on a t-shirt.
  • A white guy pretends to know the words to a Black Eyed Peas song.
  • Keith Olbermann comes off as a smug, pretentious a-hole.
  • Someone in the crowd passes out.
  • You see a bearded hippie.
  • Jesse Jackson takes credit for Obama’s campaign.
  • Someone discusses the port-a-johns
  • A Fox News correspondent speaks in hushed tones with an air of faux patriotism.
*Please note, strictly following this list will kill you. You have been warned! Be safe. Don't drink and drive.

Obama, you're no Lincoln

The Obama-is-Lincoln Love Fest, sponsored by HBO[bama] aired yesterday. Maybe you saw it?

The Lincoln Memorial to be replaced with giant Obama head as soon as possible
I, for one, am a little tired of the commemorative plates and pre-inauguration concerts.

Why? Because he hasn't even been inaugurated yet. He has not accomplished anything of positive substance - even while holding office. And in holding - I really mean leaving - in search of a higher pay grade. Examples: In the Illinois legislature the largest accomplishment was learning the Chicago Way in order to earn friends and favors in order to be lifted into a largely uncontested Senate race. The Chicago Machine made sure to open Jack Ryan's sealed divorce papers, giving Obama a clear and easy shot at the chair. As Senator, having served a whole hundred and three days - ran for president, leaving his seat to be dusted off by Roland Burris, another Illinois piece of work by disgraced (because he had to ask) Governor Blagojevich.

Now there's the constant campaign to compare Obama to Lincoln (Republican, please note).

Let me be clear, there is absolutely nothing in common with 16th president, Illinoisan Abraham Lincoln.

Mr. Obama is no Abraham Lincoln. If you believe that he is, just go here and read a little more about the 16th, and possibly our greatest president. To be fair, let's all check back in 4 years and we'll compare Obama's legacy. I'll gladly eat crow... however, I respectfully remind you that THE MAN HASN'T BEEN SWORN IN YET!

If Obama's supporters are going to be allowed make silly comparisions to a man who hasn't finished any job that he's started - then I think that it's equally fair for me to compare him to Jimmy Carter. How about the 15th President of the US? James Buchanan? (Faithful readers will remember that article)

One more note - There was also a lot of talk of comparing Obama to JFK as well - which has kind of quieted down. Perhaps someone in the PR department cracked open a history book and figured out how both Lincoln and JFK's terms ended?

Jan 18, 2009

Red Ryder Moving Truck

Last week White House Press Secretary Dana Perino was asked how Bush would move out of the White House:

"So is there a point where moving vans pull in?"

Perino laughed, saying:

"I don’t anticipate that you’ll see a big Ryder truck coming up to the White House — probably the wrong brand to use."

Ryder was the truck that was used in the first World Trade Center bombing. So then this pulled up to the gate...

Burger King Fail Sign

That's a whole pile o' fail right there.
Now, it's possible that this image is part of Burger King's viral campaign... the other one was with Facebook - you had to dump some friends to get one free Whopper... and since there was no real way to show that you had dumped your friends, they dumped the promotion - however, it made national news and is being written about in this here Blasphemes....
but back to the picture...


Mr. Obama pls be fixin owr skools!

Jan 16, 2009

Free News Story Lands on NY

Thank God.

Thank God everyone on-board survived.

Thank God Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger, III was the last person to leave US Airways Flight 1549 — a true captain, he swept the center aisle twice to ensure no one else was still on board.

And Thank God this free story "landed" in NY, and not anywhere in Fly-over country.

It seems that the second all 155 survivors made it out of the plane they were whisked over to the set of NBC's Today Show to tell us of their harrowing 3 minute flight.

If it had landed anywhere else, it would have been given 20 seconds, a mere footnote before discussing how the bitter - killer - cold was headed to the East coast.

Star Wars 'Bits'

The Star Wars Trilogy, As Told By Someone Who's Never Seen It

First off, it's a bit remarkable to me that someone can claim they've never seen Star Wars...
That said, it is rather remarkable that someone who makes that claim is still able to get major portions of the plot right, though it's more humorous when she gets things wrong.

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it)

Why is it that no matter who describes Star Wars, Luke comes of as a whiny little bitch?

Jan 15, 2009

Warning Sign

Found this on a nasty restroom in Connecticut en route to Boston...

I immediately thought of you, my dear readers, whom (all two of you) would enjoy the blatant scatological humor implied by the signage.

Jan 14, 2009

Dead Celebs

Ricardo Montalban dies at 88.

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Ricardo Montalban, the Mexican-born actor who became a star in splashy MGM musicals and later the wish-fulfilling Mr. Roarke in TV's "Fantasy Island," who spent a couple years as a building contractor, died Wednesday morning after falling off Dodgers Stadium, being steamrolled, and trampled by a university marching band

Khan. Fantasy Island. That Spy Kids movie. Mr. Montalban will be buried in casket of rich Corinthian leather. He will be missed.

Prisoner' star Patrick McGoohan dies
Patrick McGoohan, the creator and star of the landmark TV series "The Prisoner," has passed away.

You should know that all 17 episodes of "The Prisoner" are now available for free at the AMC Web site. Why? Because the cable network is remaking the series with Jim Cavaziel and Ian McKellan for a 2009 release. More information about that version of "The Prisoner" is here.

I would normally scoff at the idea, but AMC makes Mad Men, and that's the best and smartest political commentary I've come across in decades. My only hope is that they don't screw this one up. Now it can be a tribute.

Happy Happy Hypocrisy

Hillary Clinton gets a cake walk coronation from the same US Senate that refused to allow Rod "Pay-for-Play" Blagojevich's Senator in the door.

There was hardly a hickup for Hillary in her confirmation. Almost nary a question was raised about the glaring National Security kind of questions of how the Clinton conflict of interests to their country, and how foreign favor may be bought from the new Obama Administration - or dare I say - just bypass the boss and straight into Clinton's personal interest [her purse].

How are the Clinton's shake-downs of foreign 'investors' ANY different than what Blagojevich was impeached for?

Last month, Bill disclosed the names of more than 200,000 donors to his foundation. It was supposed to be a positive step toward the transparency that Mr. Obama insisted on before selecting Mrs. Clinton. But it also reinforced concerns about potential conflicts of interest ahead.

The roster of donors to Mr. Clinton’s presidential library and global foundation enterprises include million-dollar-plus contributions from governments in the Middle East, tycoons from India, Nigeria, Ukraine and Canada, and international figures with interests in the policies Mrs. Clinton will be helping to write and carry out.

But dare me to ask again: How's that different than from what Blago just got impeached for?

In the same breath, Obama's choice to run the IRS 'accidentally' never paid any taxes and had an illegal alien working for him. The tax 'error' was a 'simple' mistake that he was audited for, told to pay, and then still didn't. I can understand the illegal housekeeper, ask Zoe Baird how that all worked out for her. But not paying taxes? And after getting caught, has been given the "aw shucks" treatment. A simple mistake! Right. If you dare not file every month or quarterly, you will be fined, drawn and quartered and sure as hell wouldn't be working as the Treasury Secretary, but Timothy Geithner gets a free pass. Hardly a second glance. Maybe the thinking is that since he's already good at finding the loopholes, he'll be able to catch all those nasty tax dodgers out there.

Change. It's what's for dinner.

Jan 13, 2009

Bush Legacy

The legacy of George W. Bush, in graphic form -- courtesy of The Atlantic (click pic to enlarge).

Jan 9, 2009

Blago gets some peaches

Blago got impeached.


Blagojevich impeached by cancer-loving House for healing sick, helping poor

Blago might not be clear on why he's in trouble. Link

In the meantime, here's the guy who voted NOT to Im-Peach-en the Gov of IL.

Meet the man who voted not to impeach Blago: Rep. Milton Patterson

The Illinois House of Representatives has voted to impeach that wonderful gift from the comedy gods, Gov. Rod Blagojevich, setting the stage for his trial in the state Senate. The naughty governor was cited for abuse of office, scheming to get personal gain out of making a Senate appointment, and wearing a ceramic hairpiece apparently styled in the 1970s.

The vote to impeach was a decisive one: 114-1. Yep. One lone dissenter chose to bravely stand up for his governor. One man who had the courage to stand up to his fellow representatives, make the unpopular choice, and defend the man who called Barack Obama the M-effer. A veritable Jimmy Stewart-as-Mr. Smith among the deluded sheep of the Illinois House. More ...

Jan 8, 2009

The Best Bushisms

Here are some of the best Bushisims, or his most memorable pronouncements.

ON HIMSELF----------------------

"They misunderestimated me."
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000

"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again."
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002

"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."
Washington DC, 11 May, 2001

"I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me."
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004

FOREIGN AFFAIRS----------------------

"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times."
Tokyo, 18 February, 2002

"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself."
Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 January, 2003

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Washington DC, 5 August, 2004

"I think war is a dangerous place."
Washington DC, 7 May, 2003

"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the - the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."
Washington DC, 27 October, 2003

"Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat."
Washington DC, 17 September, 2004

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror."
CBS News, Washington DC, 6 September, 2006


"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
Florence, South Carolina, 11 January, 2000

"Reading is the basics for all learning."
Reston, Virginia, 28 March, 2000

"As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards."
CNN, 30 August, 2000

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.''
Townsend, Tennessee, 21 February, 2001


"I understand small business growth. I was one."
New York Daily News, 19 February, 2000

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
Reuters, 5 May, 2000

"I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine Labour Secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified."
Austin, Texas, 8 January, 2001

"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."
Washington DC, 19 May, 2003


"I don't think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs."
Orlando, Florida, 12 September, 2000

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 September, 2004


"Will the highways on the internet become more few?"
Concord, New Hampshire, 29 January, 2000

"It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber."
Washington DC, 10 April, 2002

"Information is moving. You know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets."
Washington DC, 2 May, 2007

OUT OF LEFT FIELD----------------------

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
Saginaw, Michigan, 29 September, 2000

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
LaCrosse, Wisconsin, 18 October, 2000

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."
Tucson, Arizona, 28 November, 2005

"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three - three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?"
Speaking to reporter Kai Diekmann, Washington DC, 5 May, 2006

ON GOVERNING----------------------

"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together."
Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 August, 2000

"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best."
Washington DC, 18 April, 2006

"And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and [Tony Blair] read it."
On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7 December, 2006

"All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone."
San Diego, California, 25 October, 2007

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."
Washington DC, 12 May, 2008

On that last one: No, I think smart people everywhere know exactly what you were doing in there. You brought America crashing down so you and your family could make a couple more billion.

Please, let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

Money Shot

Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis have announced that they are going to Congress to request a $5 billion bailout of the adult entrainment industry.

Why the hell not, right? But will they call this a “money shot”?

Jan 6, 2009

Israeli Trama

A severely injured Israeli women who has been blown into a fugue state of being on her cellphone. The attendant has obviously suffered from the blast as well because he's carrying her away from the emergency vehicle and towards a row of people with cameras. What a sad state he's in. Tragic.

New Mac

Just in time for the final Mac Show...

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

I want one!

Jan 5, 2009


There is so much win in this picture... I'm almost speechless.

Stupid Racist Illigitimatacy

Remember when George Bush stole the election?
Remember how unqualified Sarah Palin was?
Remember how racist all the Republicans are?
Remember how stupid those idiot Republicans were?

Stolen Election

In Minnesotta - It looks as though unfunny, failed sitcom star, failed talk radio, carpetbagger Al Franken has sued his way into getting his Senate seat. Here's the story link. From what I understand he's had absentee ballots thrown out? I don't care, but it looks like exactly like Florida to me.

Then there's Unqualified Caroline Kennedy....

The unelected Gov of NY is going to place someone with less experience than a PTA mom into the Senate. A PTA mom actually has a voting record. Caroline is qualified because her maiden name was Kennedy.... and she has a purse. Let's back up a second review the timeline.

Ted Kennedy endorsed Obama - to defeat Hillary.
Obama has already made it clear that he thinks Caroline Kennedy would be a great choice for Hillary's Senate seat.
Caroline hits the campaign trail with Obama, and even worked on the Vice-Presidential search that eventually settled on Joe Biden.

Obama floats the idea of Hillary as Secretary of State.
Ted Kennedy helps her to decide by warning that staying in the Senate won't be too much fun when she'll be squeezed off center stage on her beloved issue of health reform.

Hillary gets off her seat and who better to fill it than Ted's beloved niece, who'd already been co-chairwoman of the Obama transition committee?!

Who cares if she's qualified or not? Certainly not those people who were screaming about Sarah Palin three months ago.
(Thanks for the help on the Caroline stuff, DD2 )

Who's Racist?

In Illinois, Gov. Blag-o-stuff went and appointed a Senator - an appointment that is being blocked by Harry Reid because of "his qualifications."
Roland Burris, the man picked by Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich to represent the state in the Senate. Harry Reid is also on record for telling Blago that two white women were okay, but the three black candidates were not acceptable. Well let me ask you, you racist - what makes you qualified to be in the Senate? How about Chris Dodd?

But since Blagojevich has not been indicted [yet], has not been impeached [yet], and has not stepped down [yet], he is still [as of this writing] the Governor. All legal precedents show his appointment is legal, even though it is distasteful. Burris does meet the Age, Citizenship, and Residency requirements as laid out in the State and Federal Constitutions. Unless there is anything illegal in his past, or it is shown that Burris "Paid to Play," for the chair, the only option the Democrats have, is to seat him, and then try to expel him from the Senate, which - come on - won't be easy.

They don't have to let him on any Committees. Which is about the only thing Harry Reid can actually do... except keep opening his stupid racist mouth.

Remember when Franken stole the election?
Remember how unqualified Caroline Kennedy was?
Remember how racist the Democrats are?

You know how stupid WE ARE for letting this cycle continue without a hickup?

Jan 4, 2009

"Pay-to-Play" Pt II, and Obama's HR Department Sucks

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson announced that he's out as Obama's commerce secretary amid a grand jury investigation into how some of his political donors won a lucrative state contract.

Richardson's withdrawal was the first real disruption of Obama's Cabinet process but the second "pay-to-play" investigation that has touched Obama. The president-elect has remained above the sludge in both the case of arrested Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich and the New Mexico case, so far...

But what does this say about Obama's HR Department? Everyone laughed at McCain's vetting of Palin...

Note that this came out on a Sunday, hoping no one would notice.

Jan 2, 2009

2009 Preview - Movies

Gi Joe - The Rise of Cobra (Aug)
Directed by Stephen Sommers [Mummy, Scorpion King, Mummy II, Like, all of those Mummy movies.]

Cap'n Says: Based on the stuff I've read and posted here... it looks like it's going to be Gi Toe. With extra stinky boot rot. Also, Smell that opening month. That's not a good place to put a Tent Pole Summer Movie...

Transformers 2 - Revenge of the Fallen. (June 26)
Directed by Michael "Kaboom" Bay, A.K.A. Awesome! [Pearl Harbor]

Cap'n Says: Since the first one was an ad for the US military, and GMC, iPod and eBay - and seeing as how I go to such lengths to TiVo all my commercials - I'm going to skip this rerun.

Watchmen (March, 4th)
Directed by Zach Snyder
View the trailer

Plot summary : The "un-film-able" (which means a complex sprawling 12 part allegory to Nixon's Watergate and the Regan/Thacher era) , multi-layered mystery, “Watchmen” is set in an alternate 1985 America. When one of his former teammates (a rapist version of Captain America) somehow gets murdered, composite-Batman-character Rorschach sets out to uncover a plot to kill and discredit all past and present superheroes. As he reconnects with his former crime-fighting legion - a ragtag group of retired superheroes, only one of whom has true powers - Rorschach uncovers a conspiracy with links to their shared past and catastrophic consequences for the future. Their mission is to watch over humanity…but who is watching the Watchmen?

Cap'n Says: Who Watches the Watchmen? Maybe no one! The legal battle over the rights might make this release date never happen, and frankly, it's beginning to remind me of the battle over Brazil.

Terminator 4 (May 22)
Directed by McG [Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle]
Staring Christian Bale
Cap'n Says: McG? Jebus. Christian Bale - very good casting on the surface... but Bale has got a pile of stinkers on his belt too. Such as Equilibrium? Never heard of it, right? And how the hell is this going to keep the other three movies and the TV show continuity? The Terminator continuity is beginning to make LOST's complex time shifting story line look pedestrian. This better be big on explosions and light on the talking. So far I saw a Terminator that was as big as a three story house and shot some kind of plasma weapon - uh, that's Transformers... not Terminator McG...

Inglorious Basterds (Aug)
Directed by Quentin Tarantino
Starring Brad Pitt, Diane Kruger, Melanie Laurent, Christoph Waltz, Daniel Bruhl, Eli Roth

Plot summary : In Nazi-occupied France during World War II, a group of Jewish-American soldiers known as “The Basterds” are chosen specifically to spread fear throughout the Third Reich by scalping and brutally killing Nazis. The Basterds soon cross paths with a French-Jewish teenage girl who runs a movie theater in Paris which is targeted by the soldiers.

Cap'n Says: This is Tarantino's World War II epic. Is this the war movie that Vincent Vega watches, or is this it's own thing? Anyone want to wager over/under on a Nazi getting his ear chopped off? I understand Basterds is the project that he was stuck on after Pulp Fiction. It was volumes long - and I'm still not sure if it's still planned as a trilogy or this would be heavily edited... oh, wait, it's Tarantino - he's never heard of editing.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (May 1)
Plot & Cap'n Says: This could be good if you've never heard of Wolverine or his origin story... which then you've probably never read an X-men comic, or seen some of the X-men movies. Which then leads the question - why would you be interested in this movie?

Public Enemies (October, complete date TBA)
Directed by Michael Mann
Starring Christian Bale, Johnny Depp, Channing Tatum, Billy Crudup,

Plot summary : The incredible and true story of legendary Depression-era bank robber John Dillinger (Depp), the charismatic bank robber whose lightning raids made him the number one target of J. Edgar Hoover’s fledgling FBI and its top agent, Melvin Purvis (Bale), and a folk hero to much of the downtrodden public. No one could stop Dillinger. No jail could hold him. His charm and audacious jailbreaks endeared him to almost everyone from his girlfriend Billie Frechette (Cotillard) to an American public who had no sympathy for the banks that had
plunged the country into the Depression.

Cap'n Says: How timely.

Shutter Island (October, 7th)
Directed by Martin Scorsese
Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Ruffalo, Ben Kingsley, Emily Mortimer, Michelle Williams, Max von Sydow

Plot summary : Shutter Island is the story of two U.S. marshals, Teddy Daniels (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo), who are summoned to a remote and barren island off the cost of Massachusetts to investigate the mysterious disappearance of a murderess from the island’s fortress-like hospital for the criminally insane.

Cap'n Says: Scorsese has too much a man crush on Leo.

Green Zone (full date TBA)
Directed by Paul Greengrass
Starring Matt Damon, Jason Isaacs, Greg Kinnear, Brendan Gleeson, Amy Ryan

Plot summary : A thriller about a pair of CIA agents on the trail of certain Weapons of Mass Destruction and a foreign correspondent following their mission. Inspired by Imperial Life in the Emerald City, by Rajiv Chandrasekaran.

Cap'n Says: Hold on, isn't this Jason Borne 4?

Where the Wild Things Are (Oct 16)
Director Spike Jonze

Cap'n Says:
It's HR Puff N Stuff for 2009. It was supposed to come out a while ago (like years ago...) but the kid was "too bratty" and it sucked. Can't imagine shelf time helped fix those two problems.

Year One (June 19)
Directed by Harold Ramis
Staring Jack Black, David Cross

Background: Ramis (Caddyshack, Groundhog Day) liked the idea of setting a comedy in the ancient world back in, well, pretty much the Stone Age. ''I did an improv a long time ago with Bill Murray and John Belushi, where Bill was a Cro-Magnon man and Belushi was a Neanderthal,'' Ramis says. ''Putting a modern sensibility in an ancient context always seemed very funny to me.'' Flash forward approximately one eon and the Judd Apatow-produced Year One pairs Jack Black and Michael Cera as Zed and Oh, hunter-gatherers who are banished from their village and wander through scenes from the Old Testament, encountering the likes of Cain and Abel (David Cross and Paul Rudd) and Abraham (Hank Azaria). Asked if he expects the film's religious satire to offend, Ramis laughs: ''I hope so!''

Cap'n Says: I hope he wrote the script in the cocaine filled 80's. Jack Black is no Bill Murrary or even a JIM Belushi. And correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't someone else already make a History of the World (Part I)?

Avatar - (Dec)
Directed by James Cameron

Plot: In a distant future, humanity discovers the planet 'Alpha Centauri B-4', and for those scientists and astronauts who've traversed the gulf between neighboring suns and arrived on its alien soil... uh, I'll just stop right there.

Cap'n says: He waited 17-20 years to make this - or has been working on it for 17-20 years. To say there are some expectations from this 3D feature is an understatement. I'm looking forward to it - however, I have reservations since he may be thinking that he has to tack on a love story to recapture his Titanic glory. I hope not. I hope it's way awesome!

Land of the Lost - Wil Farrel

This could be terrible bad, or just plain terrible.
Which is what they're going for.

The Road:
Director: John Hillcoat
Cast:Viggo Mortensen, Charlize Theron, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Guy Pearce, Robert Duvall
The post-apocalyptic nightmarish road trip of a man who tries to transport his son to safety while fending off starving stragglers and marauding packs of cannibals.

How is this going to be screwed up? A soundtrack, that's how.

Also to note:
Goonies 2 - Corri Hames and his kids have to save the neighborhood, Astro Boy, Akira - (live action with Leo DeCaprio I sh*t you not), Hack/Slash - Based on the comic, Greatest American Hero... update, and there is more than one suit.
Ronin - the Frank Miller fiasco of 2009. Also Harry Potter 19... and one Untitled James L. Brooks Movie

Nightmare on Elm Street and Red Dawn reboots, along with the Star Trek and Rocky Horror Picture show reboots. I read there are three (3) Friday the 13th movies next year?

Pixar's Up, Monsters vs Aliens, Ice Age 3 and Opus - The Last Christmas - (Opus the Penguin) will be grubbing for the toddler movie dollars.

Video Games:
There's a big pile of video game flicks - which aren't even worth mentioning because 9 out of the 10 will be so terrible... so vile, they deserve no mention.

That's all I've got for now... feel free to place your bets on which one of these will be the Batman and the Speed Racer of 2009. Even money on the Pixar.