Harry Potter Smashes Sarah Palin

Three people show up to premiere of the Sarah Palin documentary — a reporter and two people who didn’t know what they were seeing and walked out after 20 minutes.

"Why aren't you seeing Harry Potter?" an usher said to the reporter sitting alone in the audience."

Maybe they should have called it "The Quitter?"

Meanwhile, that Potter film smashed box office records. One would expect Warner Brothers executives to offer their first born children and burnt offerings to Mrs. J.K. Rowling?

"Please, can't we see what happens to Harry in college?!"

2001: A Different Score

Alex North's original score restored to 2001 A Space Odyssey. Included are a few minutes of the first scene "The Dawn of man." What's interesting, and Blasphemous about this - is that North was hired to score the film -- then fired, or Kubrick changed his mind. In an alternate universe, this is the opening. They fly to Jupiter on the Millennium Falcon, and name the computer R2... wait, no, that's the alternate universe after Marty accidentally bumped into Kubrick with the DeLorean on the way to warn him that Biff stole the Oscar Winning script for Napoleon.... Napoleon Dynamite.

Saturday Morning Cartoons - Bonus

35mm from Pascal Monaco on Vimeo.

Minimalist movie posters are brought to life in Pascal Monaco’s “35MM,” which strings together spartan graphical representations of 35 famous films.

What A Twist

M. Night Shyamalan's "The Last Airbender" has gotten the ever-so-rare F rating from The AV Club.

Roger Ebert said, "'The Last Airbender' is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented." And this is coming from a man who has cancer so bad, he has no face and cannot even eat anymore... this is a worse pain than that.

What a twist. A pile of summers ago, M. Night was being hailed as the next Hitchcock. Agents and studios were performing fellatio for him on the street. Now, after "Lady in the Water" threw him in the kid category of filmmaking, it would make one assume that after this one, if he can get another gig, it's going to have to be a Hitchcock remake. That's assuming he isn't doing kid's birthdays and bar mitzvahs.

Poor M. Night. Even "Furry Vengance" is out ranking him on rottentomatoes. 21% to Airbender's 5%. Ouuuch.

Save Our Sign! ('Cause We're Not Going To!)

Got this note in the ole' mail bag today. A reader is pretty pissed about the hypocrisy and tight purses of the Hollywood crowd. I'll paraphrase for him...

There's a new campaign to save the iconic Hollywood sign in LA. Now how disposable is the culture in LaLa land that the Hollywood sign --

Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg are among Hollywood heavyweights to contribute hard cash to save the famous Hollywood
sign.

A conservation group had so far collected $9.5 million - $4 million from public funds, and the remaining $5.5 million from private donors - such as the celeb pair, according to Los Angeles councilman Tom LaBonge.

But the 87-year-old sign faces razing in just three weeks unless $3 million more can be raised to save it from being razed by investors wanting to build luxury houses.

So the most tangible landmark of the entire industry -- might be imminently torn down to build some more luxury hillside homes. Homes, undoubtedly that will be threatened with either mudslide or wildfire in the next decade, I am sure. And using public money too. According to this article, they only need $12 million or so to buy the land and put it in public trust. Now, how much stupid money do the Hollywood types make from the industry? The successful ones make a hell of a lot. Charlie Sheen was reportedly asking for $1 million per episode to phone in a performance for 2.5 men? If these people can't be moved to save a symbol of their own industry -- almost the ONLY unifying symbol of their industry.

Only you can prevent our icon from falling down.

For Your Consideration

For Your Consideration: The Trailer For Every Oscar-Winning Movie Ever

My Oscar Pics

Tomorrow the Oscars will be held. I, frankly, could give a flying rip.

Oooh, Katherine Bigalow was married to James Cameron - it's Hurt Locker vs Avatar! Who will win?!

Someone is wearing a new dress! It looks great, no it looks terrible?

It took me a while, but I finally figured out what a prick waving sparkle fest the Oscars are. It's a showcase for what the industry that makes the films pretend which one was the most important. And with the addition of 5 more Best Picture nominations - what's important is Television ratings.

The Grammys figured out that television ratings were more important than musical excellence decades ago. If you disagree, please be sure to explain to me in the comments why Milli Vanilli won the Grammy Award for Best New Artist on 22 February 1990 for Girl You Know It's True? Feel free to also include your work. For bonus points please explain what, precisely, what tilted the voting for Taylor Swift to have the Album of Year, 2009. Was it her technique, the producing, the brilliance of her original songwriting? Again, please show your work. I'll show mine - the Nielson Ratings for the Grammy Awards program this year was up!

The 52nd Annual GRAMMY Awards posted the highest ratings for Music's Biggest Night since 2004 with an average audience of 25.8 million viewers, up 35 percent from last year's telecast, and marked increases across key demographics, according to preliminary ratings results from Nielsen. Compared to last year's telecast, the GRAMMYs posted a 36 percent increase in adults 25–54, and a 32 percent increase in both adults 18–34 and 18–49. (2/1)

My source? From the Grammy Website! What was it Taylor Swift brought the music industry? Oh, yeah, key demographic boosts and a raise in the advertising space price for CBS and the Grammy Telecast.

And that's just the Grammys. The Oscars have been marginalized and diluted with years of Best of Lists, and Golden Globes among a host of other red carpet - let's get a close up of Jack Nickelson wearing sunglasses - events. In the past, the Oscars was the premier exhibit for marketers to showcase the depressing films that wouldn't ordinarily get press, it has been a chance for jewlery makers and fabric slingers to dress their wears on famous faces -- rather than the usual coked out coat-rack shaped models of the Paris runways, and let's not forget the gambling.

Where else will you get to see a washed up hack tell jokes or tapdance for four hours in between professional actors failing to read a teleprompter with watered down jokes? The screaching of 'Up With People' to dance interpretations of Shindler's List, to the montage of dead writers and actors - highlighted with applause when the audience recognizes that the person -- or realizes that the individual has in fact slipped the mortal coil, and the project they were working on is probably now canceled? What was once special is now only the bookend of the gossip and politicking for the Industry. Immediately following, the next year starts up.

And then, if we really want to talk about excellence in filmmaking - why didn't Stanley Kubrick ever get one? How many does Hitchcock have? Well, technically 2, although Rebecca was the only one of his films to win the Academy Award for Best Picture, four others were nominated, but he never won an Academy Award for Best Director. He was awarded the Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award for lifetime achievement in 1967 -- which is the classic Oscar "Oh-oh, we better give an award to this guy before he a) dies b) blows our cover on this whole phony-baloney award show."

And to really highlight the fact that this award isn't about excellence - Peter O'Toole, Johnny Depp, Carry Grant, Ed Norton and Jeff Bridges don't have a gold statue on their mantles. Yes, Virginia, the Oscars are a sham!

So, I think I'll be sitting this one out. But Hurt Locker will win Best Picture because there was a 60 Minutes segment on it last week.

The Two Stories of Avatar 3D

It has taken a white man, an American white man, to tell the story of the Native American experience: in glorious Technicolor 3-D, no less. That was my first thought.

The complaints I’ve heard about Avatar is that the story is only, “okay”. “It’s derivative.” “We’ve seen it before.” While Dances with Wolves, Last Samurai and Fern Gully should be the first films that come to mind for the seasoned film critic, it is the historian who immediately senses a deeper meaning. Roger Ebert lazily shoots a tennis ball to his readers that they, “are free to find this an allegory about contemporary politics. Cameron obviously does.” But it is much more, and more metaphorical. Avatar isn’t simply damning the crossing of the Atlantic by Chris Columbus, Cortez’s ‘meeting’ the Aztecs and the passengers of the Mayflower debarking for a beer run: he’s damning all of it – and more. But, on the surface, the first story of Avatar that Cameron was re-telling, in my opinion, was that of Custer at Little Big Horn.

In late 1875, Sioux and Cheyenne Indians defiantly left their reservations, outraged over the continued intrusions of whites into their sacred lands in the Black Hills. The Black Hills that in July of 1874 an expeditionary force, which was led by General George Armstrong Custer, found something shinny.

When Horatio N. Ross, one of General Custer's practical miners of the expedition, found the glimmer of gold in the sparkling waters of French Creek, the die was cast.

The indigenous population regrouped, after a gentle government relocation effort, in Montana with the great warrior Sitting Bull. They had joined forces to stand and fight for their lands. The following spring, two victories over the US Cavalry emboldened them to fight on in the summer of 1876.

Ah, General George Armstrong Custer

To force the large Indian army back to their reservations, the Army dispatched three columns to attack in coordinated George Custer and the Seventh Cavalry spotted the Sioux village with a group of about forty warriors. Ignoring orders to wait for the other two, he decided to attack. He did not realize that the number of warriors in the village numbered three times his strength. Nor did he listen to his scouts.

He made this decision without knowing what kind of terrain he would have to cross before making his assault. He belatedly discovered that he would have to negotiate a maze of bluffs and ravines to attack. For those of you who saw the movie, does this sound familiar at all?

Major Marcus Reno’s squadron of 175 soldiers attacked the southern end. Quickly finding themselves in a desperate battle with little hope of any relief, Reno halted his charging men before they could be trapped, fought for ten minutes in dismounted formation, and then withdrew into the timber and brush along the river. When that position proved indefensible, they retreated uphill to the bluffs east of the river, pursued hotly by a mix of Cheyenne and Sioux.

Just as they finished driving the soldiers out, the Indians found roughly 210 of Custer's men coming towards the other end of the village, taking the pressure off of Reno's men. Cheyenne and Hunkpapa Sioux together crossed the river and slammed into the advancing soldiers, forcing them back to a long high ridge to the north. Meanwhile, another force, largely Oglala Sioux under Crazy Horse's command, swiftly moved downstream and then doubled back in a sweeping arc, enveloping Custer and his men in a pincer move. They began pouring in gunfire and arrows.

"Hurrah boys, we've got them! We'll finish them up and then go home to our station."
—Words reportedly said by General Custer shortly before being killed.

As the Indians closed in, Custer ordered his men to shoot their horses and stack the carcasses to form a wall, but they provided little protection against bullets. In less than an hour, Custer and his men were killed in the worst American military disaster ever.

One would think that the ‘Natives’ of Pandora won the day by killing Col. Miles Quaritch (Stephen Lang) and sending The Company’s Parker Selfridge (Giovanni Ribisi) home. Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) has gone native and has won the day. But if killing off Quatrch had even one half the effect of Sitting Bull killing Custer, well, to quote another Space Marine from another popular James Cameron movie, "Nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."

Sitting Bull and Avatar II

Little Bighorn was the pinnacle of the Indians' power. They had achieved their greatest victory yet, but soon their tenuous union fell apart in the face of the white onslaught. Outraged over the death of a popular Civil War hero on the eve of the Centennial, the nation demanded and received harsh retribution. The Black Hills dispute was quickly settled by redrawing the boundary lines, placing the Black Hills outside the reservation and open to white settlement. Within a year, the Sioux nation was defeated and broken. Ironically, "Custer's Last Stand" was their last stand too.

And lest ye forget why the white man wanted the Black Hills in the first place? There’s gold in them thar hills. Custer’s expedition to the Black Hills spurred what is considered the last great gold rush in the continental United States. The first arrivals found nuggets the size of pinecones. Soon afterward Seth Bullock and Al Swearengen would be dueling it out on the muddy streets of Deadwood.

So that’s the surface story. Now here's what Avatar is really about...

The second story of Avatar is a debate of the future of the human race. No, not how we’re the bad guys and invading another planet for their precious rocks. I’m sure we’ll be doing that, and probably will be less caring and nice as ole’ Col. Quaritch.

What I see in Avatar is the final human civil war, the ultimate decision of our technological or biological evolution.

We’ve been fighting this battle for more than 4000 years. It’s the battle of the progress at all costs, or natural preservation. The tree on the hill is where I had my first kiss – but imminent domain says that land will make a quicker trip to the Wal Mart. Bye bye tree. It’s Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson screaming in George Washington’s cabinet meetings over the value of a mechanized modern economy over an agrarian one. That one involved the enslavement of other men and led to real blood. Avatar is the final battle of complete engineering of the biosphere to the point where all of the living organisms act as fiber optic cable and one giant nerve center, or to be encased in oxygen rich stainless steel cockpits, not too far removed from the Borg or RoboCop.

Both of these worlds are not too far off the horizon of current human development. Even today, these two debates come to a roaring boil in medical laboratories and at MIT. Will the future re-grow that lost limb, or slap on a superior mechanical appendage? The biological debate is winning in the advancement of human food production. We have cows, chickens, potatoes and even marijuana plants that have been crossbred to meet our ever-increasing demands of nature. The Na'vi of Pandora evolved their surroundings and the creatures to do their bidding. They come across as extremely alien to us, but they represent a possible ‘us.’ They are the end product of genetic engineering, animal husbandry and self-sufficient living. Sure, it looks like they simply grew up around in perfect harmony – but their beasts of burden don’t have HDMI cables by accident. Even the Native Americans heavily worked and molded the landscapes to their bidding. White folks just didn’t see much evidence of this since the European germs thinned out the tribes. Feel free to read Jared Diamond’s Guns Germs and Steel for more on why.

Meanwhile, the humans – or the ‘aliens’ of Avatar are dependent on their technology. They cannot leave their cocoons of conditioned air capsules. They require machines and energy to power their very lives. We learn from Jake that their whole reason for being there is that their world “has no green.” Their machines consume energy and belch out toxic by-products, and they need more. The romantic view of these same aliens play out in Gene Rodenberry’s Star Trek. The less romantic are Robert Heinlein's Starship Troopers. They are locusts from earth and they only lay waste while they consume. They don’t recycle. Hell, they don’t even re-use – as it seems it would be fairly simple to recreate Jake’s legs with two simple robot legs or to re-grow them in the same chamber that they were able to grow a full sized adult Avatar. Instead, they use this as a carrot to dangle in the hero’s face. Maybe that’s why he goes native so easily? And quickly?

But don’t fear, because as [hypocritically] James Cameron touts the highest level of Hollywood special effects and specially created 3-D cameras in his movie, his technology loving Space Marines are getting their asses handed to them: by no less than two aliens in two alien movies. The first is 1986’s Aliens – where the aliens there are even more parasitic than the humans, and act more like viruses. Again, the underlining theme of biology based evolution vs. technological based evolution. Plus, the aliens on LV-426 have acidic blood and kind of look phallic. In this one, the natives are trying to protect their homes, their graveyards, and their way of life – and, yeah, pretty much their entire planet. But it’s the metaphorical super battle in the end that has the ironic twist of Ellen Ripley’s weaponized air conditioned heavy lifter duking it out with the turn coat biological Avatar who is himself lying in his own air conditioned electrical box.

Cameron has a history of hating technology, but at the same time embracing it. The Terminator is a cautionary tale of the over reliance of technology and computers, and how quickly it can spin out of our control. An added twister of dripping irony is that Skynet recognizes humanity as a threat [which is correct] and uses man’s own weapons against him. Aliens shows our arrogance of our superiority over bugs because we have better technology. Then Cameron turns it up to 11 with Titanic, which is the largest metaphor for human arrogance and dependence on technology since the story of Icarus. And it had Céline Dion. Avatar suggests the nice blue people ought to win. It's so nice.

Our history says that the hairless apes will be coming back to Avatar, and this time they’ll be all out of bubble gum.

Geeky Nativity Scenes

In my exhaustive search on the Advent, I happened to come across some very interesting stuff. Some of the best had to be the geeky nativity scenes. I've been storing them up as my Christmas present to all my Blasphemes readers. I think you'll enjoy these almost as much as I have.

Nativity on Tatooine
Come celebrate the virgin birth of Anakin Skywalker on the desert planet of Tatooine. The Jedi are standing in as the three kings, it seems. And Obi Wan is Joseph?

Nativity on Endor
This one is a little less thought out, as it seems that Leia has given birth to Han's child - and Darth Vader is there, for some reason? And two Luke Skywalkers, one in Hoth gear - and the African Cloud City guard. It is pretty though.

Nativity on Yancy Street [Marvel Comics]
I love the mutant Angel and Electro sitting on the roof, but don't quite understand the gigantic Spider man there's probably a three issue story leading up to this cross-over.
Jean Gray Phoenix and Scott Summers are the virgin and Joseph.

Ultimate Nativity on Yancy Street
More in line with Fantastic Four only. Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman as Mary and Joseph, the Thing as a shepherd doing one-handed curls with a sheep, the Human Torch and Silver Surfer as Wise Men, and Franklin Richards as everyone's personal savior.

Pirate Nativity
Pirates of the Caribbean witness to the birth of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Doctor Who Nativity
No less than two doctors and two companions witness the holy birth of K-9.
I suggest the Doctor think twice before he opens the gifts from the Wise Men though.

Steven Spielberg Nativity
There's a lot going on in this one. Looks like Indiana Jones, and Donald Duck, and Iron Man and an Iron Giant are in attendance. I think there's a Homer and a Bone in there too. I see no less than three Velociraptors. Okay, well, the cartoons we can chalk up to Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Dr. Strange - maybe Dreamworks has the rights? The Homer Simpson - a little harder to explain... and the Klingon cha'DIch hanging over the manger... (yeah, I had to look up the spelling) um... maybe this is just a bunch of geek stuff this guy owned and threw it in a manger?

Lost Nativity
Baby Arron born in a hatch. Polar bear is a nice touch.

Saviors of the Lost Ark
Much better use of the property.

Creationist Christmas

More Vacations

New Line Working On Vacation Remake/Sequel

The Hollywood Reporter's "Heat Vision Blog" has new info about a (yet another) sequel to the 1983 National Lampoon's Vacation being developed with David Dobkin (Wedding Crashers) attached to produce and direct the film.

The original road comedy starring Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo was the tragic adventure of the Griswold family taking a grueling cross-country road trip. The original movie grossed $61 million theatrically, leading to a couple of sequels. Okay, three. National Lampoon's European Vacation in 1985, Christmas Vacation in 1989 and Vegas Vacation in 1997.

The idea for this sequel, it sounds more like a reboot, is that it would catch up with the now grown-up son of Chase's Clark Griswold, Rusty, originally played by Anthony Michael Hall (but he did not reprise the role in any of the three sequels), as he takes his own family on a similar road trip as the one he took as a young teenager. Even though the new movie will reference the original, there are no guarantees any of the cast from the original movies might return--and humor magazine "National Lampoon" will no longer be involved--but it's thought that Chase and D'Angelo could make appearances as the grandparents, although neither is signed.

Continue reading article!

Source/Text: ComingSoon.net

Holy Grail Trivia

Seven facts about the astonishing afterlife of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," the troupe's indispensable 1975 film send-up of Arthurian legend, leftist politics and the futility of persevering against all odds, especially while limbless. Co-director and original Python Terry Jones will make his first-ever ticketed stateside appearance, presenting and discussing the film in two shows at the Lakeshore Theater, 3175 N. Broadway, at 6 and 9 p.m. Saturday.

"Holy Grail" proves test marketing isn't all bad. The initial screening, for a group of investors in the film, "was just the most awful evening," says Jones. "After about five minutes it was just dead silence. The entire film played to absolutely no reaction at all." So he and co-director Terry Gilliam toned down the "grisly" sound effects and changed to a mock-heroic adventure music. They didn't know the fixes worked until months later, in Los Angeles, when the first paying audience saw it.

Not much about shooting or shaping "Holy Grail" was fun. Editing and redoing the soundtrack "was a long, slow process, always very fraught," Jones says. "We didn't know it was going to be a funny film. We just thought we were trying to rescue something. Our future ability to make films was on the line." As for the filming, he says, "Every time I watch it, I keep remembering how miserable it was. We were so wet and cold."

"Holy Grail" left at least one great joke on the pages. The original script was set half in modern, half in medieval times. "And they eventually found the Holy Grail in [ London department store] Harrods, because it's the store that has everything," Jones says.

"Holy Grail" is only No. 2 in England, No. 2 in the eyes of the Pythons. Although "Grail" does better stateside, in England, "Life of Brian," the Pythons' 1979 satire of the origins of Christianity, is seen as the true comic classic. "The general feeling of the group is that 'Life of Brian' is their best work," says John Goldstone, the films' producer. "America seems to be a lot more sensitive about examining religion."

"Holy Grail" outperforms the stock market. Half the 229,000 pounds (the equivalent of about $2 million in 2009) to make the film came from theater impresario Michael White, Goldstone says, the other half from music-industry folk including Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Jethro Tull, and Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber. When Goldstone last checked, a few years ago, the investors had seen a 6,000 percent return on their money.

"Holy Grail" by the (some) numbers. On Netflix, 2.1 million people have given the film an average of 4.1 out of 5 stars. DVD wholesale grosses dating from 2001, the first proper packaging, according to Goldstone, were at $120 million as of last September. " Spamalot," the musical based on "Holy Grail," did more than $170 million on Broadway and continues to tour the country, he adds; it will make its Los Angeles premiere in July.

The staying power of "Holy Grail." Neither Goldstone nor Jones can recall a period when it ever truly felt as though the film might fade away. It was a steady presence in college cinemas for decades, they say, the DVD era kicked things into another gear, then "Spamalot" came along and hit the overdrive button. Original Python Eric Idle, who wrote the musical, "is wonderful at retreading material," says Jones, "and thank God he is."

Copyright © 2009, Chicago Tribune

2009 Preview - Movies

Gi Joe - The Rise of Cobra (Aug)
Directed by Stephen Sommers [Mummy, Scorpion King, Mummy II, Like, all of those Mummy movies.]

Cap'n Says: Based on the stuff I've read and posted here... it looks like it's going to be Gi Toe. With extra stinky boot rot. Also, Smell that opening month. That's not a good place to put a Tent Pole Summer Movie...

Transformers 2 - Revenge of the Fallen. (June 26)
Directed by Michael "Kaboom" Bay, A.K.A. Awesome! [Pearl Harbor]

Cap'n Says: Since the first one was an ad for the US military, and GMC, iPod and eBay - and seeing as how I go to such lengths to TiVo all my commercials - I'm going to skip this rerun.


Watchmen (March, 4th)
Directed by Zach Snyder

View the trailer

Plot summary : The "un-film-able" (which means a complex sprawling 12 part allegory to Nixon's Watergate and the Regan/Thacher era) , multi-layered mystery, “Watchmen” is set in an alternate 1985 America. When one of his former teammates (a rapist version of Captain America) somehow gets murdered, composite-Batman-character Rorschach sets out to uncover a plot to kill and discredit all past and present superheroes. As he reconnects with his former crime-fighting legion - a ragtag group of retired superheroes, only one of whom has true powers - Rorschach uncovers a conspiracy with links to their shared past and catastrophic consequences for the future. Their mission is to watch over humanity…but who is watching the Watchmen?

Cap'n Says: Who Watches the Watchmen? Maybe no one! The legal battle over the rights might make this release date never happen, and frankly, it's beginning to remind me of the battle over Brazil.

Terminator 4 (May 22)
Directed by McG [Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle]
Staring Christian Bale
Cap'n Says: McG? Jebus. Christian Bale - very good casting on the surface... but Bale has got a pile of stinkers on his belt too. Such as Equilibrium? Never heard of it, right? And how the hell is this going to keep the other three movies and the TV show continuity? The Terminator continuity is beginning to make LOST's complex time shifting story line look pedestrian. This better be big on explosions and light on the talking. So far I saw a Terminator that was as big as a three story house and shot some kind of plasma weapon - uh, that's Transformers... not Terminator McG...

Inglorious Basterds (Aug)
Directed by Quentin Tarantino

Starring Brad Pitt, Diane Kruger, Melanie Laurent, Christoph Waltz, Daniel Bruhl, Eli Roth

Plot summary : In Nazi-occupied France during World War II, a group of Jewish-American soldiers known as “The Basterds” are chosen specifically to spread fear throughout the Third Reich by scalping and brutally killing Nazis. The Basterds soon cross paths with a French-Jewish teenage girl who runs a movie theater in Paris which is targeted by the soldiers.

Cap'n Says: This is Tarantino's World War II epic. Is this the war movie that Vincent Vega watches, or is this it's own thing? Anyone want to wager over/under on a Nazi getting his ear chopped off? I understand Basterds is the project that he was stuck on after Pulp Fiction. It was volumes long - and I'm still not sure if it's still planned as a trilogy or this would be heavily edited... oh, wait, it's Tarantino - he's never heard of editing.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (May 1)
Plot & Cap'n Says: This could be good if you've never heard of Wolverine or his origin story... which then you've probably never read an X-men comic, or seen some of the X-men movies. Which then leads the question - why would you be interested in this movie?

Public Enemies (October, complete date TBA)
Directed by Michael Mann

Starring Christian Bale, Johnny Depp, Channing Tatum, Billy Crudup,

Plot summary : The incredible and true story of legendary Depression-era bank robber John Dillinger (Depp), the charismatic bank robber whose lightning raids made him the number one target of J. Edgar Hoover’s fledgling FBI and its top agent, Melvin Purvis (Bale), and a folk hero to much of the downtrodden public. No one could stop Dillinger. No jail could hold him. His charm and audacious jailbreaks endeared him to almost everyone from his girlfriend Billie Frechette (Cotillard) to an American public who had no sympathy for the banks that had
plunged the country into the Depression.

Cap'n Says: How timely.

Shutter Island (October, 7th)
Directed by Martin Scorsese

Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Ruffalo, Ben Kingsley, Emily Mortimer, Michelle Williams, Max von Sydow

Plot summary : Shutter Island is the story of two U.S. marshals, Teddy Daniels (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo), who are summoned to a remote and barren island off the cost of Massachusetts to investigate the mysterious disappearance of a murderess from the island’s fortress-like hospital for the criminally insane.

Cap'n Says: Scorsese has too much a man crush on Leo.

Green Zone (full date TBA)
Directed by Paul Greengrass

Starring Matt Damon, Jason Isaacs, Greg Kinnear, Brendan Gleeson, Amy Ryan

Plot summary : A thriller about a pair of CIA agents on the trail of certain Weapons of Mass Destruction and a foreign correspondent following their mission. Inspired by Imperial Life in the Emerald City, by Rajiv Chandrasekaran.

Cap'n Says: Hold on, isn't this Jason Borne 4?

Where the Wild Things Are (Oct 16)
Director Spike Jonze

Cap'n Says: It's HR Puff N Stuff for 2009. It was supposed to come out a while ago (like years ago...) but the kid was "too bratty" and it sucked. Can't imagine shelf time helped fix those two problems.

Year One (June 19)
Directed by Harold Ramis
Staring Jack Black, David Cross

Background: Ramis (Caddyshack, Groundhog Day) liked the idea of setting a comedy in the ancient world back in, well, pretty much the Stone Age. ''I did an improv a long time ago with Bill Murray and John Belushi, where Bill was a Cro-Magnon man and Belushi was a Neanderthal,'' Ramis says. ''Putting a modern sensibility in an ancient context always seemed very funny to me.'' Flash forward approximately one eon and the Judd Apatow-produced Year One pairs Jack Black and Michael Cera as Zed and Oh, hunter-gatherers who are banished from their village and wander through scenes from the Old Testament, encountering the likes of Cain and Abel (David Cross and Paul Rudd) and Abraham (Hank Azaria). Asked if he expects the film's religious satire to offend, Ramis laughs: ''I hope so!''

Cap'n Says: I hope he wrote the script in the cocaine filled 80's. Jack Black is no Bill Murrary or even a JIM Belushi. And correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't someone else already make a History of the World (Part I)?

Avatar - (Dec)
Directed by James Cameron

Plot: In a distant future, humanity discovers the planet 'Alpha Centauri B-4', and for those scientists and astronauts who've traversed the gulf between neighboring suns and arrived on its alien soil... uh, I'll just stop right there.

Cap'n says: He waited 17-20 years to make this - or has been working on it for 17-20 years. To say there are some expectations from this 3D feature is an understatement. I'm looking forward to it - however, I have reservations since he may be thinking that he has to tack on a love story to recapture his Titanic glory. I hope not. I hope it's way awesome!

Land of the Lost - Wil Farrel

This could be terrible bad, or just plain terrible.
Which is what they're going for.


The Road:
Director: John Hillcoat
Cast:Viggo Mortensen, Charlize Theron, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Guy Pearce, Robert Duvall
The post-apocalyptic nightmarish road trip of a man who tries to transport his son to safety while fending off starving stragglers and marauding packs of cannibals.

How is this going to be screwed up? A soundtrack, that's how.

Also to note:
Goonies 2 - Corri Hames and his kids have to save the neighborhood, Astro Boy, Akira - (live action with Leo DeCaprio I sh*t you not), Hack/Slash - Based on the comic, Greatest American Hero... update, and there is more than one suit.
Ronin - the Frank Miller fiasco of 2009. Also Harry Potter 19... and one Untitled James L. Brooks Movie

Reboots:
Nightmare on Elm Street and Red Dawn reboots, along with the Star Trek and Rocky Horror Picture show reboots. I read there are three (3) Friday the 13th movies next year?

Cartoons:
Pixar's Up, Monsters vs Aliens, Ice Age 3 and Opus - The Last Christmas - (Opus the Penguin) will be grubbing for the toddler movie dollars.

Video Games:
There's a big pile of video game flicks - which aren't even worth mentioning because 9 out of the 10 will be so terrible... so vile, they deserve no mention.

That's all I've got for now... feel free to place your bets on which one of these will be the Batman and the Speed Racer of 2009. Even money on the Pixar.

The Best All Time Movie Villains

The Best all time Movie Villains
Villain [Vil-uh n] – noun
1. A cruelly malicious person who is involved in or devoted to wickedness or crime; scoundrel.
2. A wicked or evil person; a scoundrel.

10. Hans Gruber, by Alan Rickman, Die Hard (1988)
“I’m about to teach the Nacatomi Corporation a lesson in the ‘real’ use of power."

Ah, remember the summer of 1988? Remember when terrorists came in and seized the Nacatomi Plaza and all but ruined Officer John McClain’s wife’s office Christmas party?

Who is he? Hans was an exceptional bank robber who was an allegory to 1988’s business climate. He assembled a gang of well-trained international terrorists. Hans was also very forward thinking as well. Hans was open to the idea of diversity way before it was popular. His crew even included a wise-cracking IT guy Theo… and this was in 1988! You might say he was the CEO of Robber Barons. Hans played a perfect allegory to the end of the Reagan Administration. It probably shouldn’t be a coincidence that Hans chose a big Japanese company to rob.

Evil? Hans was pretty evil – he ruined Joe Takagi’s suit and was going to blow up all the hostages, and by the time they had figured it all out, he’d be sitting on a beach, earning 20%.

The Plan: His crew would masquerade as a terrorist group while he was really just playing the pirate to the Nacatomi corporation’s bearer bonds. Hans was a late 80’s corporate raider, if you will. Buy playing up the terrorist image, he would force the LA Police Department to respond with overwhelming force – and, after he blew the roof when the FBI would obviously double cross him. He would simply slip away in the chaos. Hans was big into the planning and financing of the operation. Trucks, missiles, C4, and an ambulance aren’t procured the night before.
His downfall? Not counting on one brazen barefooted NY Cop crazy enough to take them on. Bonus – his death wasn’t an impalement – which is the leading cause of villain death (outside the Star Wars Universe anyway)– but his downfall was literal. He was thrown/fell off the Nacatomi penthouse suite. Shoulda’ brought his golden parachute, eh Hans?


9. Anton Chigurh, by Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men (2007)
“What's the most you ever lost on a coin toss?”

Who is he? Adapted from the Cormac McCarthy novel of the same name, he’s a contract assassin assigned to get some money back. He’s an allegory of death. A force so evil, so absolute, pretty much everyone who comes across him will die.

Evil? He’s so bad ass – he’ll even kill your wife after you’re long dead… just because he said he would. His preferred weapon tells you a lot about how evil he is: a captive bolt pistol.

The Plan? Anton and Death are walking together. Every choice you make leads you closer to him – not the other way around. However, there is the element of chance, which is noted by the nervous scene in a filling station… the idea of fate and circumstances add drama.

His downfall? Chance. And stop signs. But he’s still out there.


8. Nazis

Who? As long as there’s been a Nationalist Socialist movement in Germany, there’s been movie Nazis. They tangled with Rick Blaine in Casablanca, they’ve given something for Patton to shoot at, and then there are those damn Illinois Nazis.

But then there was Steven Spielberg. Spilebergo’s Nazi’s seem to have a little extra step in their jackboots. Well, more than the typical fanatical film Germans soldiers anyhow.

Spielberg uses Nazis the way Picasso uses blue. Nazi’s are in a wide range of his films including the Indiana Jones storyline, Saving Private Ryan, the Shoah Visual History Foundation and I’m fairly sure I heard that JAWS was a Nazi sympathizer. But for all-out Spielberg Nazi I point you to Ralph Fiennes as he received a Best Supporting Actor nomination for his portrayal of Amon Goeth, a commandant of a concentration camp who kills indiscriminately.

Evil? You betcha’. Just look at their plan…

Their Plan? World domination and the eradication of everyone on the planet who doesn’t look just like them. Using gas, the blitzkrieg, V2 missiles, the Holy Grail and the Ark of the Covenant.

Downfall? Arrogance and bad use of supply line management– oh fine, let's just say Indiana Jones kicked their ass. For more on the Downfall of the Third Reich I seriously suggest that you check your non-reading ass into a library.


7. Computers – specifically Skynet – Terminator Franchise (1984 +)

Oh, not Hal 9000? Not the Matrix? V_Ger? How about the WOPR from War Games? No. HAL was given bad orders. He was simply completing a mission. People got in the way. Same with V_Ger. The WOPR was too easy to hack. The Matrix wasn’t powerful enough to control it’s own Spyware: Agent Smith. No, Skynet, on the other hand, achieved clairvoyance and immediately “chose” to eradicate its maker.

Who? Skynet, on the surface is just another story about man vs. Machine. As you noticed from the list, it is a fairly recurring theme in literature. The Terminator turns into yet another cautionary tale about nuclear war designed to scare the beeJesus out of people. But Skynet is special. Why? It has unlimited UNDOs. It owns a time machine.

On top of that, here’s a machine, an Artificial Intelligence that has been given the gift of thought. It is life. And what is the FIRST thing this new life form does? It fires off nuclear missiles igniting Judgment Day.

The Plan? 1) Keep using the time machine until it gets everything just right 2) find Sara Connor. To accomplish these two tasks, it first manufactured the 600 series with rubber skin. It kept trying new versions until the remaining humans couldn’t distinguish a real human over the endoskeleton. Once it got the version update correct, Skynet's showed it's obvious sense of humor by manufacturing a Terminator with the exterior that mimics Action Star and Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Neat plan.

Oh, and the “I’ll be Back” line? That’s another Skynet in-joke. If this model fails its mission, oh well. I’ll just shoot another version to 1990 and kill off the resistance leader when he’s just a dorky teenager. And if that doesn’t work? Uh... Wait, you said I’ve got unlimited undo’s, right?

Evil? That terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead. And have I mentioned that one second after it came online it nuked the planet?
You still don't get it, do you? He'll find her. That's what he does. That's all he does! You can't stop him. He'll wade through you, reach down her throat, and pull her fugging heart out!

It's Downfall? Not understanding game theory. If the AI goes first, John Connor can just send another dude or a re-programmed Terminator after it. It’s a turn-based game. It's as if you're playing rock-paper-scissors and you have to go first. This is the insanity that caused the Terminator: The Sara Connor Chronicles to happen.


6 Aliens – Specifically – Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978.)
“Aaaahhhhhhhuu-
uuuggggggg-
hhhhhh!”

Who? Evoking a style of paranoia reflective of the general mistrust in post-Watergate America, these aliens are remorseless space plants. They’re quick and efficient.

Evil? They just want to co-exist with us… it’s okay. Get some sleep. Sleep . . . Sleep . . . and be born again into a world without fear and hate!

Their Plan? Float along space until they find a great place like Earth. Wait until someone falls asleep – and win.

Downfall? Uh… they – I mean WE won.

Runners up? The War of the World’s Martians (only the Orson Wells and the 1953 versions for consideration) were awesome– but they died of a cold. Sorry, if you can master long distance space travel, maglev heat ray tanks and didn’t plan on the common cold, you are bad at planning.

Also Ridley Scott’s Alien is really spooky and virus-like. It also looks like a dude’s wang. However, no one has ever explained how this virus like the Alien is maintained. What does it eat? It needs hosts to replicate, and it kills with that damn spooky second mouth… but I’ve never seen it eat. And if you lay a billion eggs, it doesn’t matter. Then what? That’s a pretty stupid life cycle. Not a good planners either.

And the aliens from Independence Day? They got hacked by a Mac laptop - in 1996! That's without Wi-Fi or an AirPort card... Lame! Epic Fail.


5. Michael Corleone by Al Pacino Godfather Part I & Part II (there might have been another one...? I'll get back to you on that.)
“Fredo, I know it was you.” [kiss of death]

Who? Veto’s youngest son, the one who was supposed to not get involved with the “family business.” He was supposed to have the American life. He even earned a Navy Cross. But, after an unfortunate toll incident, Michael was forced into a leadership position. He promises to make the family legitimate in five years. No, really. The character of Michael is said to be loosely based on real life mob boss Lucky Luciano.

Evil? While he was standing as godfather to his nephew, Michael had his brother-in-law Carlo killed… while simultaneously killing off Emilio Barzini, Philip Tattaglia, Carmine Cuneo and Victor Stracci. He also has Greene, Tessio, Fabrizio, and Rizzi popped too. Oh, and later he has his brother Fredo offed too.

The Plan? To make the family legit. But first, let's put a hit on...

Downfall? Pretending he was something he wasn't. He was his father's son, and he always was trying to escape that shadow.

4. Dracula – Bela Lugosi (1931)
“I never drink... wine."

Who? We all know Count Dracula. A centuries old vampire inspired by the 15th century Romanian Prince, Vlad III the Impaler. There have been thousands upon thousands of Dracula and vampire movies. Dracula has special powers – supernatural powers. He’s the anti-Superman. Plus he can make more vampires, and more vampire movies. Hell, while they were filming the Bela Lugosi version, at night they used the sets to film the Mexican version. I kid you not. Some circles believe that the Mexican one is even better!

Let’s concentrate on Bela’s version though. Dracula 1931 was not the original Dracula film. That honor goes to Count Orlock, played by Max Shreck, in Nosferatu. But Nosferatu was filmed without permission of Bram Stoker’s widow. She who had all the copies of the film destroyed. Bela owned the Hollywood Dracula. He played the part on Broadway, and gave the delivery like a walking corpse – which to this day is awesomely creepy.

Evil? Yeah. Dracula is a warrior at heart looking for love and killing everything that gets in his way.

The Plan? He’s got a plan. He's got a whole scheme going to set off to England to get John Harker's girl. He's a bat-turning, blood sucking bird dogger.

Downfall? He is much less powerful in daylight, though the sun is not fatal to him, as in later adaptations. He is repulsed by garlic, crucifixes, and sacramental bread or holy water. He can only cross running water at low or high tide. He is also unable to enter a place unless invited to do so; once invited, however, he can approach and leave the premises at will. And there's that whole wooden stick in his chest...


3. Doctor Hannibal Lecter
"A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."

Who? Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs, 1991)
Before there was Dr. Hannibal Lecter, the gold standard of smart and evil movie villains were tied into the Bond franchise. Even serial killers were regulated to Halloween horror pictures and hockey masks. No Dr. "Hannibal the Cannibal" Lecter single-handedly changed the game. He's the Michael Jordon of movie villains.

And that similarity or comparison to MJ will come up again.

Evil?. The character is intelligent, a manipulator, a long term planner, and he's an absolute sadist! He's a damn cannibal. Do I have to explain how disgusting it is to eat another human being?

Here's another thing. He's a doctor, a psychiatrist. He has a nice soothing voice. He sets you up to feel comfortable. You can trust him. Then BLAM he's wearing your damn face!

The Plan? Other than to eat your brain while you're alive... I'd have to say longevity. He was voted the all-time movie villain in an American Film Institute poll, Thomas Harris' epicurean madman has been played by three actors: Brian Cox in the 1986 Manhunter (based on the novel Red Dragon), Gaspard Ulliel as the teen Lecter in this year's Hannibal Rising and Hopkins in The Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal and the 2002 remake of Red Dragon. He's starting to approach Dracula levels of books and movies... What's next? Son of Hannibal? Rise, Hannibal, Rise? Bride of Hannibal? Those are all plausible when you read them, aren't they?

Downfall? Longevity. Kind of a Catch 22, eh? He's fallen into the horror genre's trap of punch-lines and recurring frequency, he's lost his punch. And here's the MJ anollogy again. Top of the game - he's out to play baseball. Comes back, wins. Retires. Buys a team. Comes back. Then retires, again. Threatens to come back again. Doesn't. Tarnished. Hannibal, you just gotta chill for a bit, dude. That's why he's not on top of this silly little list.


2. The Joker – Heath Ledger, Dark Knight (2008)
“Why so serious?”

Who? The Joker, the Clown Prince of Crime, the Harlequin of Hate, and the Ace of Knaves. He’s the ying in Batman’s yang.

His origin? Well, actually, that’s a good question. With the exception of the Tim Burton Batman (1988) there really isn’t an origin story for the Joker. …and it’s been designed that way, by the Joker.

But here’s what the original comic book creator had to say about who came up with the Joker,

“Bill Finger and I [Bob Kane] created the Joker. Bill was the writer. Jerry Robinson came to me with a playing card of the Joker. That's the way I sum it up. [The Joker] looks like Conrad Veidt — you know, the actor in The Man Who Laughs, [the 1928 movie based on the novel] by Victor Hugo. [...] Bill Finger had a book with a photograph of Conrad Veidt and showed it to me and said, 'Here's the Joker'."

Evil? Heath Ledger said that he viewed that film's version of the Joker as a "psychopathic, mass murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy.” So in a word, yes.

The Plan? Seemingly completely insane and even suicidal, and quick to tell you so, he plays the game a chaos personified. However, on the other side of the card, the Joker is meticulous at planning. Some of his schemes would take months if not years to fully flesh out and plan. His long-term planning and logistical functionality alone shows he’s not as nuts as he has you to believe on that caked on facial surface. But although he has laid fingerprints for the World’s Greatest Detective to reconstruct (which leads that Bat into an obvious trap) the Joker also shows malleability to change those long thought out plans in mid-stream. Effectively, he can turn his battleship on a dime. And that’s usually when a whole lot of people die. As he said himself, “You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs.”

But what’s his long term goal? Who knows!? Not even the goddman Batman can figure him out – that’s what makes him so complex, so evil, and so damn interesting. It seems the only thing the Joker cares about is vindictive malice. You can't reason with or buy off a character like that. He's a real noodle-scratcher. Hell, even Iron Man doesn’t understand the Joker’s plot!

“My whole thing is that that I saw 'The Dark Knight'. I feel like I'm dumb because I feel like I don't get how many things that are so smart. It's like a Ferrari engine of storytelling and script writing and I'm like, 'That's not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.' I loved 'The Prestige' but didn't understand 'The Dark Knight'. Didn't get it, still can't tell you what happened in the movie… this is so high brow and so f--king smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.' You know what? F-ck DC comics. That's all I have to say and that's where I'm really coming from." - Robert Downey Jr.

Wow!

And the best part is, that spanning from Cesar Romero, to Nicholson, to Ledger, the character is consistently a nutjob with some kind of plan that takes a lot of work, but doesn't make a whole lot of sense... but it sure pisses off Batman though. And maybe that's all he's looking for? To piss off the Batman.

Downfall? Frankly, I’m not sure if he has one! Really. First off, he’s cheated death a lot. I mean a whole lot. Since he’s so closely tied to the mythos of the Batman, Joker has the benefit of getting a reboot every couple years. In the comics he’s always getting into some seemingly inescapable and lethal situation. Though he has been seen caught in explosions, been shot repeatedly, dropped from lethal heights, electrocuted, the Joker always returns. And if he’s not cheating death, the Batman just throws him in jail or Arkham Asylum. He escapes so often they might as well install a revolving door to his cell.

Some would say that the Batman NEEDS the Joker, and vice versa. Heath Ledger’s Joker even says something to this effect while he’s hanging upside-down waiting for some hostages to blow up.

Now I'm almost thinking this guy ought to rate him higher...



1. The Emperor – Star Wars Saga (1974 – Present) Ian McDiarmid as Palpatine
"In order to ensure the security and continuing stability, the Republic will be reorganized into the First Galactic Empire! For a safe, and secure, society.”

Who? The mere fact that most stupid top 10 lists of the most evil villains place Darth Vader somewhere in their top three emphasizes exactly why Senator turned Emperor Palpatine gets the top spot here. He’s the ultimate behind the scenes guy! Palpatine’s plans and schemes represent the utmost political and martial power absolute, absolutely. Not just a world… his designs are the entire Star Wars galaxy as his puppet stage.

Ian McDiarmid was in four of the six Star Wars films; his first was Return of the Jedi when, 22 years before Sith was shot, he played Palpatine as 23 years older. Now that’s planning ahead. (Yes, yes. He also made a digital cameo in the re-imagined The Empire Strikes Back Super Extra Crazy Re-Release. Get off your chair.)

A major British stage actor of the past few decades, McDiarmid has a non-threatening disposition that possesses a magnificent vocal talent. Unlike a few of his English contemporaries, he actually understands how microphones work - and therefore doesn’t scream all his lines. Patrick Stewart, I’m looking right at you. He uses this voice talent to manipulate and pull the strings of both sides of galactic power – and does it so well that he eliminates the no-win scenario. He wins no matter what happens.

McDiarmid himself stated,

"Palpatine's an interesting character; he's conventional on the outside, but demonic on the inside — he's on the edge, trying to go beyond what's possible." McDiarmid added, "[Palpatine] is a supreme actor. He has to be even more convincing than somebody who isn't behaving in a schizophrenic fashion, so he's extra charming, or extra professional — and for those who are looking for clues, that's almost where you can see them."

He’s the ultimate politician.

The Plan? As much as you may hate and spit upon the Phantom Menace (1999) – the story is about Palpatine. The Emperor-to-be IS the Phantom Menace. If you break down the political spectrum of Episode One, you realize that Darth Sidious/Senator Palpatine of Naboo wins either outcome. Here’s how it plays out: If the ten Naboo palace guards, a whinny little kid and bunch of talking fish that breathe oxygen but live under water… (sigh) are able to beat the robots? The Senator wins, and a bonus, he is ‘elected’ as the Chancellor of the Republic. If the stupid robots somehow take Naboo while killing off everyone on the planet? Darth Sidious wins, and there’s a bonus of no more talking fish people. Neat.

In the course of his chessboard of Win, lots of people and materials get blown to bits. Awesome. That’s all win-win!

And in the process, he meets the most powerful wizard in the galaxy… Sorry, I mean Detective Monk Cop with a Lasersword. And double bonus, he’s just a little whinny ten year old kid without a moral compass.

By the second Episode, he’s got the entire Galaxy engulfed in a Civil War. Why? I’m not really sure. I mean if you break down the two sides of the argument, the Trade Federation wants to secede from the Republic. Again, why? It isn’t as if the Trade Federation wants to keep human slavery or are against Chancellor Palpatine’s insane 10.25% Republic Sales Tax… maybe they just don’t want to be around the talking fish people anymore? Racists.

Palpatine plays both sides. Chancellor Palpatine gets emergency Patriot Act-like powers to build up his protagonist public image (Lucas said he was going more for Hitler than George Bush, get off your chair again please.) in the Republic. But he’s also quarterbacking the other team. To put this in historical terms, he’s playing Lincoln and Jefferson Davis. I wonder if he ever messed up and wore the wrong hat when he was talking to one set of generals instead of the other. Maybe he’d have to put one on hold, put on the cloak, run back into the other room, there’s an awkward pause like, “hey, what’s going on in that other room that you keep running back to?” – It’d be kind of like a screwball comedy from the 30’s? Wouldn’t that have been funny? Seth Green, make it happen.

By the Third Episode, the war is winding down. Palpatine has manipulated that whinny little kid into a whinny young adult. He’s now a warrior who still has zero ability to make decisions about morality. Excellent.

That’s when things really start to go his way – the whinny kid offs his number two with a clean severance package.

Not long afterwards, we find out that Palpatine’s got superpowers! He’s a space wizard too! He shoots lightning out of his hands! Apparently he also cast a spell of stupidity over the super-smart detectives in cloaks with laser swords so that they couldn’t figure out that Palpatine was the bad guy. (And he lives next door to these guys!)

They finally figured him out, and he gets his face all messed up. That’s okay because he uses that to his advantage too. In the process he recruits the whinny kid, and sends him over to downsize some children.

He lays-off the Monk Cops and throws the Senate at a Muppet. By the time the dust settles he’s declared the Emperor and his third intern –er- Apprentice has been turned into a charcoal briquette.

No matter, he remakes him into the most iconic bad guy movie audiences have ever seen. The ultimate enforcer. Dick Cheney… er, Darth Vader. Sorry.

Everything is going well for Palpatine for about 18 years. He’s even eliminated the Senate. How? A public work project called the “Death Star”. In fact, just to show off how much power he has, he builds two of them.

But like all government projects, there are cost overruns, and the damn contractors left a two-foot exhaust port uncovered so that some rebel teenagers could toss photon torpedoes at it.

And of course, guess who finally knocks one in? It’s the whinny son of his Apprentice!

So Darth, Palpatine’s second in command, spends a fortune looking for his whinny kid. I mean if anything, it should have been the other way around, right? The whinny kid should have been looking for his deadbeat dad for back child support payments! In fact, the whinny kid didn’t even know Darth was his dad until he went and told him. What an idiot!

Palpatine realizes that his Number 2 isn’t working out, so now he has to make an appearance to get the second Death Star back on track. On top of that, he’s got a plan up his cloak to fix everything and wipe the floor with those damn meddling kids. He personally leaks the plans to this Death Star to the teenage rebels– and then pretends to leave the gate open.

Everything is going exactly to plan. His interview with the whinny kid isn’t working out – so he’s shooting lightning bolts at him– when out of NO WHERE, Darth suddenly develops a moral compass! To wit, Darth tosses Palpatine into a reactor shaft to his death. What a Bummer.

His Downfall? The Imperial Human Resources Department. Look, Palpatine has a terrible track record of hiring ineffective number 2’s and underlings. Palpatine went through two apprentices, and almost lost a third one due to complete incompetence. The only one that ever worked out for him he had cloned about a billion times to fill the ranks of his army.

Also, the Star Wars Universe is FULL of funny looking people and aliens from thousands of populated planets. You’ve got people who are walking carpets to teddy bears. Yet the military and government appointees are all aging white dudes with British accents. There’s little to zero diversification in his government’s hiring practices. What about all those bounty hunters, you ask? Contractors.

Although, there isn’t a whole lot of diversity in the Rebel Alliance either, which makes me wonder if they’re really just fighting a bunch of old white guys to replace them with their own white dudes? That sounds a lot like western government in action to me…
But by the sixth picture they at least added a slug and a squid to join in the battle.

Palpatine’s reign lasted longer than Ming the Merciless and Xenu, but not as long as Fidel Castro's.

That list, again:

1. The Emperor – Star Wars Saga (1976-present)
2. Joker – Heath Ledger, Dark Knight (2008)
3. Dr. Hannibal Lecter – Silence of the Lambs (1999)
4. Dracula – Specifically Bela Lugosi (1931)
5. The Aliens – Specifically – Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
6. Michael Corleone – Godfather I and II
7. Computers – Skynet (1984 - present)
8. Nazis - Specifically Steven Spielberg’s Nazi’s
9. Anton Chigurh - No Country For Old Men (2007)
10. Hans Gruber - Die Hard (1988)

*Also considered: Lord Voldemort, Nurse Ratched, Norman Bates, Norman Bates dead mother, Khan Noonien Singh, Mr. Potter, Zombies (nothing specific, just Zombies), Roy Batty, Frank Booth. These fine villains didn't make my list because they either died - fought little kids - or just weren't nearly as good at planning or not as spectacularly evil as the other ten.