Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

Steve Trachsel is once again a Cub.

The logic here, I am guessing, is to bore the other into submission. The man known as the "human rain delay" is coming back to where it all started. Steve was the Cubs wins leader in the 1990's although it took him a long time to do it. By time I mean minutes, not games.

His Cub career highlights include serving up McGwire's 62 home run in 1998 and allowing all of Brewer pitcher Jeff Suppan's home runs. Originally drafted to sell more beers before the cutoff in 1991, he has bored the East Coast for the better part of th 2000's. Having tossed more rosin bags around than baseball's the east could no longer take it and sent him back to a place where fans will largely not notice him.

So if your tired of watching the swing set rust come out to the tediously friendly confines and stare at the grass growing around the mound while Trachsel really tosses the rosin bag around.

Two of the best catches in the Preseason

Some amazing stuff.

Pre-season goodness... mostly because of that score.

BTW - since we're talkin' football here - the NFL changed it's logo.
I, for one am shocked, shocked by this.

Craig's Lisp

It's the hypocrisy that makes it a story.

As you have no doubt heard --due to the combination of sex, lies and audio tape-- Republican Senator Larry Craig of Idaho --a man who has taken a, um, firm stand against gay rights of any kind throughout his entire political career-- was arrested this past June in Minneapolis for soliciting sex from another man in an airport men's room. The other man turned out to be an undercover cop. Pollyanna that he is, Senator Craig quickly plead guilty to a lesser charge in the hopes that the whole sordid story would go unheard by the world at large.

Clearly, that didn't happen.

The editors of Craig's hometown newspaper, the Idaho Statesman, were already sitting on several rumors pertaining to the politician's private proclivities but, having no illusions about their place in the grand pantheon of media outlets, showed remarkable restraint for this day and age and chose not to "break" anything nor "scoop" anybody by going off half, uh, cocked and besmirching the reputation of a man whose blustering homophobia was, perhaps, an honestly held belief.

The concrete reality of both an arrest report and a guilty plea in Minnesota, however, was different. The Statesman did report that. They also asked the Senator to comment --to, uh, rebut, if you will-- just as they had with the previous rumors.

All this sudden, stark attention quite naturally drove Senator Craig to hold a press conference earlier this week in which he accused the Statesman of conducting a "witch hunt." Fortunately for all of us, the only body part Larry Craig seems to be sticking in his mouth these days is his own foot. As MSNBC's Keith Olbermann pointed out, Senator Craig's, uh, public statement consisted of some interesting choices of words. Here are a scant few...

Craig's opening line:
"First of all, thank you all very much, uh, for coming out today..."

Mm-hmm. You wish, Senator.

Later he said: "I never have been gay."

Now (*ahem*) far be it from me, a smart-[arsed] truck driver, to tell you, a United States Senator, what the proper grammatical structure of that sentence should have been, but I think you should have said, "I have never been gay," instead of, "I never have been gay." If nothing else, you'd have prevented one smart-[arsed], long-haul trucker from responding thus...

I never have Ben Gay, either-- I always forget to buy it when I'm at the store. Here's some free advice, though, Senator: You don't wanna use Ben Gay for that, anyway. It burns. Yes, I know it says "analgesic" on the side of the tube, but trust me-- that's one burn you don't wanna feel.

Now if you, Dear Reader, have heard the details of Senator "Lispin'" Larry Craig's arrest, then you have probably also heard that one of his excuses for sending solicitous signals is that he has a wide stance when using the bathroom. What follows is a list of rejoinders...

(1) Wide stance; narrow mind.

(2) Yeah... heh, (*shrug*) that's the scuttlebutt.

(3) Really? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

(4) And what, pray tell, is your stance on other illegal activities?

------------------------------
P.S.... Attention Dennis Kucinich: Your presence is
desperately required back at the Keebler Tree.

------------------------------
P.P.S.... Bud "The Anal Gesic" Selig must go.

Michael Jackson has died

In honor of this country's greatest (no longer living) beer critic, scholar, historian, and prolific writer - here is his top ten American beers:

Tupper's Hop Pocket Pils (Old Dominion, Ashburn, Virginia).
St. Victorious (Victory, Downingtown, Pennsylvania).
Black Chocolate Stout (Brooklyn, New York).
Dortmunder Gold (Great Lakes, Cleveland, Ohio).
Expedition Stout (Kalamazoo, Michigan).
Belgian-style Red, Cherry Beer (New Glarus, Wisconsin).
La Folie (New Belgium, Fort Collins, Colorado).
Anchor Steam Beer (San Francisco, California).
Sierra Nevada Pale Ale (Chico, California).
BridgePort India Pale Ale (Portland, Oregon).

I have poured a number 9 down my gullet in honor of Mr. Jackson this evening.

Here's a more indepth look at his top ten.

They're NOT F'in with it... anymore

Ladies and Gentlemen - I now present to you the link the Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem.

I just watched this. This is what I thought I was getting with the first pairing of these great movie monsters. Let's just say, there's a good reason this isn't called Part II.

This is R. You have to register your age just to watch the trailer. There's dirty, naughty words and head shots in the trailer. The TRAILER. Now, it's as if someone finally figured it out. The PG-13 is gone. It's chest has exploded. I for one am actually excited about this and applaud the filmmakers for 'getting' the material.

If the first two Alien pictures were adult fare, and Predator skinned people alive and had dripping, bloodied skulls - why on God's Earth would you make a PG-13 movie pairing the two? And, on top of it all, make a silly underground pyramid in Antarctica with some cockamamie story involving humanity and the earth? You work endless years securing the rights to two of the modern era's greatest movie monsters since Dracula and Frankenstein - Freddy and Jason - Dean and Martin. You have space, Space marines with James Cameron's pulse rifles, Predators, and Aliens without Rippley = all potential. And they put that first one out... and thud. What a disappointment.

My guess is that Requiem was the first script submitted, and what actually came out was one produced by 'notes' from some suit. A suit long since fired and replaced about three times.

Oh, another cool thing I want to point out, is that on the AvP:R homepage, the cursor is a Predator laser site for the cannon - that's rockin' nerdy cool.

Symphony in Slang

A Tex Avery Classic. Enjoy.

Neidermeyer!!!

The actor, Mark Metcalf , who played Neidermeyer in the movie Animal House, and the Father from the Twisted Sister video Come Out and Play (among a few other noted roles) owns a restaurant called 'Libby Montana' a bit North and West of Milwaukee, WI.

The full story is that a bunch of high school kids rented the place out, and then brought in bed sheets and their own booze. They, of course, trashed the place in a toga party. Metcalf's quote after 75 alcohol breathalizers 18 tickets for underage drinking?

" The guys who got cited will probably be running for senator someday. "

Classy.

By the way, when I first heard this story, it was "frat guys" and then it was a BUNCH of different stories. This ought to be nipped in the bud before it's turned into some dumb Urban Legend. And next time anyone's going to Wisconsin, you know of at least one restaurant to check out.

This Week's Blasphemous Post

This week, hold on, let me look into my hat here - It's the Mormons!
Here's the LINK (very groovy 1970's animation)
Apparently, a Christian group made this overly melodramatic short back in the 1970s to debunk the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. At least, that's what I've found on the interwebs. Can't seem to verify this information. However, this is a good 6 minutes, so don't say I didn't warn you about the length.

Bonus - after you watch this, Big Love on HBO will make a lot more sense.
And to learn more about Big Love and the LDS church - I recommend Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer.

And, as an added bonus:
Here's a link to an Australian guy making fun of the Mormon "Magic Underpants" - but there's a word that's NSFW (or not safe for work, you n00b) and it's more insulting than clever.

Well, that's it for this week - but remember, just because your religion was this week doesn't mean you're done - oh, far from it. You're back in the hat for next week's drawing too!

NFL Picks, by a Star Wars geek

Star Wars characters and predictions:

I'm digging this as good humor and mostly because I agree with most of this guy's picks!
(jump from here)

"Chicago: 12-4. Star Wars Character: Anakin. Brash and talented, but has no arm."

Just all around, this is brilliant!

Oh Crap - They've Already F'ed' wit it.

What Does G.I. Joe Stand For?
(CutandPasted from this place here)

GI Joe stands for - stealing one more childhood memory to make a quick buck? No, the letters don't quite add up, not even in a jumble -

But don't worry, they're going to jumble and screw around with with those childhood memories - pretty much in the same way Optimus Prime with lips freaked you out.

The studio's live-action feature film version of G.I. Joe will no longer revolve around a top-secret U.S. special forces team but rather an international operation... UNISEF? They're going to be handing bags of rice to the local tribal overlord, while starving kids look on? That sounds exciting.
Wasn't that already a movie? Operation Dumbo Drop?

In a follow-up to their confirmation that Stephen Sommers (the Mummy!?!) will direct G.I. Joe, Variety offers this new description of the team: "G.I. Joe is now a Brussels-based outfit that stands for Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity, an international co-ed force of operatives who use hi-tech equipment to battle Cobra, an evil organization headed by a double-crossing Scottish arms dealer. The property is closer in tone to X-Men and James Bond than a war film." Good, because I haven't ever heard of those two properties and would hate to have this messed up with something I've seen before.

Can we assume that the "double-crossing Scottish arms dealer" is Destro? And does that mean there will be no Cobra Commander in it? It just better be Sean Connery instead of Mike Myers, that's all I have to say on that. It can be a voice over for crying out loud.

So why the changes? Hasbro and Paramount execs recently spoke about the challenges of marketing a film about the U.S. military at a time when the current U.S. administration and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are at a low-point in global polls. When a studio makes a film as expensive as G.I. Joe will likely be, they want to know that as many people as possible around the world will want to see it. In other words, G.I. Joe -- specifically the tag line, "A Real American Hero" -- is a tough sell.

HA! I've Poisoned All the Joe's Milk! Ohahaha Ha!

And are these chaps out of their goddamned minds?! This isn't Snakes on a Plane, or some Lindsy Lohan movie, you morons! Check the Transformer's receipts again - no the ones that show the river of black gold. And the overseas reports. Now realize that the DVD hasn't even been put out yet.

GI Joe will revolve around the characters we all grew up with fighting Cobra, Destro, the Baroness and Storm Shadow. When do they expect to have this new script ready? Six to eight weeks. Pre-production is expected to start by October-November and production to start early '08." Oh come on! Just pull one of the half hour episodes. Better yet re-make one of the 5 parters where they have to go around the world and use every single new vehicle that came out for Christmas. You know, 3 parts of a machine that blew up in the first ten minutes of episode one. Then it fell in 3 parts in 3 different climates - all new characters designed (conveniently) for that exact climate where that portion of the weather dominator landed... Yeah, use that one.

"Our vision (for The Mummy) was clear the time the first trailer played during the Super Bowl, and by the time this one plays a Super Bowl, you'll see the coolest characters and visuals you can imagine, and beyond-state-of-the-art equipment," Sommers informed Variety. "I wouldn't have jumped into this just because of the Hasbro-Transformers tie. Remember, Pirates of the Caribbean was a big hit, but Haunted Mansion not so much." And that's pretty much because of Eddy Murphy and a badly CGI'd house has got nothing compared to pirates. Besides, Johnny Depp had NOTHING to do with those receipts. Not one ticket sold because of Johnny Depp...

Producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura added, "My experience with beloved properties is that characters, attitude and tone are even more important than plot. ... Paramount showed a great deal of confidence in Stephen's take, and our ability as producers to get this up and running for a February start. His passion for the characters and the world convinced the studio this was something they couldn't resist." So they're not even going to bother with the scriptwriting process then?

Hmmm. Well, hopefully Duke will be in a coma again and will miss this trainwreck.

And yes casting agents, that's Ditta Von Tease as the Baroness.

Updates: MSNBC gets PWND by parody blog, quotes fake Al Sharpton as ForRealz

"Michael Vick is innocent (like OJ)"

MSNBC's Alex Johnson (with the assistance of two NBC/MSNBC reporters) recently posted a story addressing whether the prosecution of Michael Vick was racist. Roughly a fourth of the MSNBC story was based on a quote from Al Sharpton's Blog. Or as Koshlan Mayer-Blackwell explains:

The quote was actually from the Newsgroper site's fake Al Sharpton Blog.

They thought Al really said this:

"If the police caught Brett Favre (a white quarterback for the Green Bay Packers) running a dolphin-fighting ring out of his pool, where dolphins with spears attached to their foreheads fought each other, would they bust him? Of course not," Sharpton wrote Tuesday on his personal blog.

They finally figured it out and made a correction, but instead of apologizing to their readers for reporting parody as fact, they called it a hoax. I wonder what finally tipped off their crack investigative journalism unit:

1. The words "fake parody blogs" in the titlebar of every page of our site;
2. Our logo;
3. Al Sharpton blogging on the same site as Lindsay Lohan, George Bush, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad;
4. Our about page; or
5. Al Sharpton referring to himself in his bio as a "Emancipation Proclamation enthusiast."

Gawker said it best:

"The next time someone trots out the adage about bloggers not being reporters, we're going to note that reporters aren't exactly reporters these days either."

Greg Pollowitz comments at NRO's Media Blog. "Al Sharpton" gets the last word on MSNBC's characterization of his comment as "a hoax" in "Alex Johnson of MSNBC is the hoax."

Yo Joe!

Hollywood has finally greenlit the GI JOE movie - which took about two months longer than I anticipated on this here page. The receipts from Transformers are in - and I'm sure they had to count all that money before allowing this to go forward.

Here's the story.

"The full name of the '80s toy line was G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero, but in a reflection of the global nature of tentpoles and current geopolitical climate, the Yankee nature of the strike force is being dropped, with the team now having an international flavor."

Meanwhile, I guess it's time for the younger generation to be indoctrinated in the ways of the Joes vs. Cobra - aka, Coalition of the Willing vs Al Queda.

Hell, the theme song was a primer alone for the battle that America fights now against the terrorists.

Yo Joe!

He'll fight for freedom where ever there's trouble.
GI Joe is there.
It's GI Joe against Cobra the enemy
Fighting to save the day.

He never gives up.
He's always there,
Fighting for freedom over land and air
GI Joe- A real American hero
GI Joe is there


GI Joe is the codename for American's daring, highly trained
special mission force.
It's purpose, to defend human freedom against Cobra-
a ruthless, terrorist organization determined to rule the world.

He never gives up.
He'll stay til the fight's won.
GI Joe will dare.

GI Joe- A real American hero
GI Joe

Even Cobra - sounds a little Queda-ish... alright, bull - but there's got to be a nut out there who's already made this comparison? Here's one...

"The fictional Cobra terrorist organization who would use ridiculously flawed plans like poisoning the world's supply of milk with hopes of taking over the world was still a better organized group than Al Qaeda."

The rest is pretty funny. Calling Osama Bin Laden a Scotty Pippen look-alike has to be the funniest thing I've read this week. Here's this guy's link.
Man, that's just mean!

BTW - no word on the cast, but I'm sure the guys they had in Transformers are calling their agents right now. Also nothing official (yet) on whether Sgt. Slaughter will be staring, guest star or make a cameo appearance. Camouflage appearance - get it!?

Now, I haven't been to Afghanistan or Iraq - but my brother's been there a LOT - in fact, he's going back for a THIRD time next week! Boy am I excited for him. Maybe he'll be able to pop one of those Cobra jerks in the head - and then the twin brother of that guy will fall down too! I keep telling him I want a Cobra bad guy helmet. I really would like a Crimson Guard helmet - but I'll settle for a Cobra Officer's blue one. If he could pop Destro - man - that'd be the BEST. Can't shoot him in the head though, that noggin's all bullet proof and stuff. Same thing with Cobra Commander - If you're going for a head shot, it better be when he's wearing his hood instead of the 'chrome dome' helmet.

Offending Opus Strip

Newspapers across the country refused to print Berke Breathed's August 26th's Opus comic to avoid offending Muslims. I however, don't have the same compunction.

If you can't read it - click on the picture and it'll pop. If it's not funny, that is not the fault of Blasphemes.

If you're going to do this because I cut-'n-pasted a fairly unfunny cartoon from the guy who created Bloom County...
then you can pretty much die in a fire.

More on this story to develop, I'm sure, throughout the day.

I don't need this... but it'd be cool!

Wouldn't that just be awesome in your kitchen? It reminds me of college, a bit.

Welcome to Costco, I love you.

Frito: Yah I know this place pretty good, I went to law school here.
Pvt. Joe Bowers: In Costco?
Frito: Yah I couldn't believe it myself, luckily my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings.

Your Urine Soaked Bus Runs on My Money

Daley says tax hike for transit essential

State must act fast to stave off cuts, higher fares, he says. (Story on the jump)

"I think the General Assembly has to understand -- what is the alternative?" Daley said of proposed legislation that would raise the sales tax in Cook County (AGAIN!) and the collar counties to bail out the region's public-transit system (AGAIN!). "There is no alternative in regards to mass transportation." (How about fair usage fees? You know, Fares?)

Daley said there would be no political repercussions if a House bill called for the 0.25 percent increase, along with a raise in the city's real estate transfer tax, to generate more money for the CTA, Pace and Metra and also provide funding for suburban road-improvement projects.

The mayor was asked what his message would be to Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who has vowed to veto the legislation because of the tax-increase provision. (Thank you, and thank you for that haircut! I know you didn't spend $400 bucks of my money on that.)
"The deal is there, and no one is going to blame anyone for increasing the sales tax," he said. "We are not going to blame the governor. We are not going to blame the General Assembly. ... This is good for the metropolitan area. It is good for the collar counties, the suburban area. It's good for the city. It's good for employers and employees."

Well, I'm going to blame you and that goofy Council you run. I can't believe that you can't figure out how to run a couple busses and broken down rail lines. Maybe if they hadn't blown up half the stations to make them purtier, you wouldn't have a shortfall of 400 million bucks? Or perhaps offered such sweet pensions for the bus drivers? And that's before talking about the administrators who do nothing but suck off the dole and can't balance a checkbook. They make something called Quickbooks - it's about 200 bucks and even prints checks. Might want to pick that up?

So now I'm going to pay even more to bail out the CTA, PACE and METRA, even though I hardly use it? That seems fair. I know I don't use the High School either, and it's for the better good of the neighborhood and all - but I'm already taxed more than just about any other urban dweller. I can see how educating people helps. I can't see why I have to pay (more, I know I already pay for it) increased real estate fees and MORE sales tax to pay for the bus and rail lines. Transit gets people to their jobs. If you're working, and use the bus, you should PAY for the bus. Not me.

I also don't work for the city, or the state of federal governments - which makes me an anomaly in the City, since apparently everyone else here does. Or is retired. Or a child. Basically since I'm the only one generating any income for the dole, they're taking more of MY money to pay for everyone else's bus ride? Yeah, that's about the size of it.


Oh, and I'm also personally paying for Todd Stroger's goddamned pension.

"Haha! Im razin yr taxz and eatin yr fud! Assh*ll!"


As a consumer, I will go out of my way to shop out of the County. I already do. When I can, I buy out-of-state. Someday, I will have an opportunity to move away - and I may have a choice of staying in Cook County, or going somewhere else - why, why would I stay here?

Reply

Dear Mr. Capn:

Deposits have not worked well before but it beats the tax proposal.

Brian G. Doherty
Alderman, 41st Ward

What. Is. Happening.

Al Sharpton is an ass. And he has a blog. We are kindred spirits. Two asses with blogs. But his latest entry makes me want to give him the name 'Blasphemes' for his fine work. But I won't. I am an ass.

The topic is Michael Vick. Three paragraphs. Of pure Sharpton gold. Enjoy this because I am pretty sure that they will send him away soon. As I like to do, let's dissect!

Sharpton starts out with a bang telling us that the media does not pay attention when Vick throws (he used present tense) a "a sweet, heaven-kissed touchdown pass to Algie Crumpler." Right off the bat, I am hooked. There are two things about this first sentence. 1) Most do not care because the Falcons are not very good. 2) Those that do care live in Atlanta, are the opposing teams fans or 3) They are among the tens of millions that play fantasy football and have Vick or Alge on their team.

Next sentence:

Only when he scrambles like a scared slave running to freedom or when he participates in traditional urban gaming activities does anyone raise a stink.

I remember during the Falcons/Bears game thinking, "Someone should raise a stink about this scrambling like a slave multi-millionaire." My wife just stared blankly at me. Michael Vick was a one of a kind scrambling quarterback. A unique talent in the NFL. He became the highest paid player of all time in the NFL because HE COULD FUCKING RUN FAST. When Mr. Sharpton can show me an example of a scared slave making over $22 million a year plus endorsements.

Secondly, a question. Is dog fighting a traditional urban gaming activity? Really? Whose tradition? Next graph:

Am I excusing Mr. Vick’s actions and recasting his horrific cruelty as an issue of race, poverty and crime endemic to marginalized black populations, thrust upon us by the dominant white discourse? Some questions are best left unanswered … but yes, there’s a strong likelihood I am doing that.

Woooo boy. What Al is saying is that I, the white man, do not like Vick because he is poor, black, and a criminal. At least he admits that he is a racist at the end. I don't think poverty had anything to do with this. Michael Vick is rich. Very rich. Richer than all of us reading this will ever be combined. There are many black artist and athelete that I, a white man, love to death. Race in the NFL has nothing to do with this either. If Al's third condition were not met (him being a criminal) he would be idolized by millions. He sold the thrid most jerseys last season.

And the coupe de grace:

Consider this: If the police caught Brett Favre running a dolphin-fighting ring out of his pool, where dolphins with spears attached to their foreheads fought each other, would they bust him? Of course not. They would get his autograph, commend him on his tightly-spiraled forward passes, then bet on one of his dolphins.

Dolphin fighting? No one would care? Well, we can't all cover ourselves in shit to make money, can we?

"If the Jews want to get it on, tell them to pin their yarmulkes back and come over to my house." - Al Sharpton 1991


Update: All right, so it wasn't real. Here is the article.

Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the f*ckin' Eagles, man!

LONDON (Reuters) - The Eagles will release "Long Road Out of Eden," their first full studio album for 28 years, in October, Universal Music Group said on Wednesday.

So the Eagles are going to cram nearly three decades of pent-up suck into a new studio album, then?

Murray Doesn't Blow

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - Bill Murray could face a drunken driving charge after cruising through downtown Stockholm in a golf cart and refusing to take a breath test, citing U.S. law.

This is the best story all month...

Holmlund (cop) said it wasn't clear where Murray picked up the vehicle, or to whom it belonged.

"It was a golf cart. How it ended up in this predicament I don't know," he said, adding that Murray wasn't facing any theft charges.

It isn't illegal to drive a golf cart in city traffic in Sweden, but Holmlund said it is very unusual.

Comment

Let us know how we're doing.

Feel free to comment on any given story, just keep the cussin' down to a minimum so that your mom can read what you posted today.

To comment: click on the 0 comments button - and a second window pops open. Leave your praise or complaints, that way the management will have a paper trail to fire your crappy server.

MC Rove

Rove continued attacking Hillary, and Hillary ate it up and played into his trap like a tiger in some kind of cage. Apparently, this is how John Kerry came out of the unknown corner and popped into the nomination. Let's review real quick though. Lieberman was the front runner up until before the people of Iowa actually went to the polls. And then after Howard Dean took Iowa it didn't exactly help his cause to show his imitation of Rick Flair to the nation. Weew! That kind of knocked him right out.

But apparently Rove was much more afraid of John Edwards as the Dem's nominee and pushed for Kerry. He did this by making comments about Kerry, which was interpreted as an attack, and brought Kerry much needed attention. Kerry 'the butt of the dirty Republican attacks' quickly rose to the top of the puddle of choices - which I never did quite understand - and Edwards was pushed to the second half of the ticket.

Wonder if he's 'nominating' Hillary to beat Edwards again, or if he's more afraid of Obama?

Dr. Seuss Bible Bable

I've been thinking... perhaps about once a week I should post something that truly is 'Blasphemous', methinks?

Evil Santa Still in Jail

An appeals court upheld the conviction of former Illinois Governor George Ryan on fraud and racketeering charges and rejected his request for a new trial Tuesday. (Story)

Incredible when the system works. Golf clap reserved, however, Illinois. He's still free and not in an orange jumpsuit. It'll probably take weeks or months before a proper perp walk from this somavabich.

Meanwhile, the children he killed are still dead. And his cronies continue to line their pockets, unabated.

It Could Still Sell

Bears

Chicago Bears QB Rex Grossman shows he's in midseason form as he fumbles three times and throws an interception. Imagine what he could do if he played the whole game.

(thanks to Banacek from fark)

Bueller? Bueller?

Ferris Bueller 2: Another Day Off

Who’s in it: Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck, Jeffery Jones, Jennifer Grey, Charlie Sheen, Ben Stein, Mia Sara

Who’s not in it: So far, it looks like that everyone from the first movie might be showing up in some fashion… maybe. Everything’s still in pre-pre-pre-production

What’s it about: Fast forward Ferris’ life 20 years, where he’s now a successful self-help businessman / guru with Cameron as his faithful assistant. All this hard work has taken a toll on him and he decides to of course, take a day off and this throws everyone in to some sort of frenzy and hilarity ensues. Ed Rooney, though no longer a school principal, still wants to make Ferris’ life hell for some reason, Ferris’ sister is married to the guy she meets in the police station (Charlie Sheen), Ben Stein is working at an airport and Ferris’ ex girlfriend (Mia Sara) is a Hollywood starlet in the middle of a rough divorce. Those who have read Rapier’s script call it exceptional and remarkably faithful to the original.

Rumors / fun facts: The script for Ferris Bueller 2 is still being shopped around Hollywood and screenwriter Rick Rapier is hoping to get John Hughes to direct, though at this point, he can say he wants the Pope to star in it and it’s just as likely. Nothing is even remotely final about getting this project off the ground, so if it happens, it would be years and years away.

Reality or not? If you read it on the internet - must be true!

Twin Peaks

While I'm very excited that my all time favorite television program has finally been released in the US, with the pilot. Twin Peaks - which season one came out in 2000, without the pilot, due to some rights issues. The second season was released earlier this year. A mere seven years later.

The new 'Definitive Gold Box Edition' boasts the following super features and whiz-bang add-ons:

• Available Audio Tracks: English (Dolby Digital 5.1), English (Dolby Digital 2.0)
• Commentary by: David Lynch, Kyle MacLachlan, Mädchen Amick - Dolby Digital 2.0
• All 29 Episodes plus the original pilot (both U.S. Network and International versions) on 10 discs
• Remastered picture from the original negative with 5.1 Sound, both personally approved by David Lynch
• Original broadcast 2.0 audio
• Deleted Scenes
• Exclusive feature length documentary: 'Secrets from Another Place'
• 'A Slice of Lynch' featurette
• 'Return to Twin Peaks' featurette
• Interactive Map of Twin Peaks
• The complete Log Lady introductions
• Saturday Night Live: Kyle MacLachlan’s monologue and the Twin Peaks comedy sketch
• The 'Falling' Music Video with Julee Cruise

The unprecedented commentary by director David Lynch - (Lynch NEVER does commentary, as he usually lets the work speak for itself) - plus all kinds of bonus features and extras really are neat.

I can't tell you what a a pain in the ass it's been to be a consumer of DVD's. I typically buy my DVD's, especially if I think I'll get two or more viewings, or if someone else would like to borrow it. Lately, I'll purchase a DVD and not more than a week or two later, I'll read some grand announcement proclaiming the all-time-greatest version with cleaned up audio, print, extra disk and whatever: compared to the disk I just bought. And I mean JUST bought.

Allow me to offer a perfect 'For instance' - Zodiac. Good movie, wanted to see it in the theatre - as you know - have an infant, can't go to the movies that often - specially not for a 3 hour film. Right? A good purchase over rental so I can watch it at my leisure.

Pop it in, about a three days of viewing to get through it due to many interruptions. The disk was lean with specials, but I popped into the special features area for a look: And what do you know? There's a goddamned ad for the special edition DVD on the DVD I just friggin' bought! The AD is a Special Feature!? And the new one will have two disks, a break down shot list with David Fincher, commentary from the caterer, the transportation captain has a documentary, and the Best Boy explains the title 'Best Boy.'

I am perplexed as to why I continue to buy DVD's, when the better, definitive edition will be coming out the moment I purchase the lame current edition? Star Wars - I have about 18 versions of Star Wars. Between my VHS - pan and scan, then VHS - THX remastered letterbox, DVD - bootleg of the originals from a laser disk, DVD - Lucasfilm new special edition, and then when they came out with another goddamned version with the uncut original AND the one where Greedo shoots first - the next Christmas that's when I threw my hands up in the air.

They did it to me again this week with RoboCop - and there was a Criterion version of it with Verhoeven- but I never saw it in the stores. I rented it from NetFlix. The commentary was amazing - mostly because of the stuff Verhoeven was going for, like the ED 209 was supposed to look like a Huey from Vietnam, which, it kind of does. It also looks like a bad ass robot that likes to kill accidentally. So there's another version of this one coming out.

And another Stanley Kubrick disk set with all kinds of extras - and the Blu Ray stuff.
The newest set includes are brand new versions of:
2001: A Space Odyssey - Special Edition (2-disc)
A Clockwork Orange: Special Edition (2-disc)
Eyes Wide Shut: Special Edition (2-disc)
Full Metal Jacket: Deluxe Edition
The Shining: Special Edition (2-disc)

I do wonder if Stanley really wanted that to ever happen? In fact, the Kubrick set has changed a couple of times - the addition of the Tom Cruise documentary and Eyes Wide Shut made my original box set lame and old. The new version makes mine even older and lamer?

Here's the thing though, I'm not running out and replacing what I already own. Don't do it, I'm not going to do it. I have replaced many of the VHS movies with DVD's, or have bought DVD's where the VHS wasn't available. But the argument that the fan boys are buying multiple copies for every version has to be wrong... okay, so I did it when they made a better print of Blue Velvet. And the original Trilogy (as noted earlier). Dazed and Confused... And probably Blade Runner... (which, there's another 5 disk set of THAT coming out too - the Final Cut by Riddley Scott. My god, Riddley fiddles with this movie more than some guys play with their junk. Lucas looks lazy next to this guy.) I should pick that up ... oh,

Sigh.

Best, most useful Case Mod ever

thanks Gizmodo for the snap and the story.

Called it here about a week ago...

Vick plea deal - gonna' be payin' back that signing bonus, methinks?

Open letter to Alderman Doherty

Dear Mr Brian G. Doherty,

Here's a shot for you to bring some
much needed common sense to the Chicago City Council and,
specifically, to rebuke Ald. George Cardenas's silly
idea to tax water bottles 10 cents.

10 CENT DEPOSITS

While I'm not a HUGE fan of deposits, I'm more open to
this idea than a 10 cent tax increase on anything.

It'll clean up the city, there will be less landfill
waste (George's idea claims this is his major
motivator?) and it can be applied to aluminum and also
plastic bottles - and doesn't single out one
particular group or product.

Just mentioning this idea might bring YOU national
attention, and show that you're the only voice with
any sense in your goddamned goofy ass Chicago City Council.

Retro Video Games in Stop Motion

Groovy

China Super Lead Fun!

The laughs just keep coming from China. This time it's really hitting home. It seems all the vinyl bibs that my baby uses are full of lead. Kind of like the one at the dentist. Here's the story (on the jump)

Sure, it has to be so worn out that the thing has to be flaking and your kid has to eat it... but at this rate this generation of kids will be able to withstand a nuclear war.

"Other than pacifiers," noted Cara Smith, deputy chief of staff for the Illinois attorney general’s office (from the article), "I can't name a product more closely tied to a baby's daily activity..."

If anyone is interested in cotton home-made bib from Grandma - let me know, fill out an order through Howard the Spy. I'm serious.

NASA Global Warming Data - 0, Blogger - 1

An amateur meteorologist, and angry blogger, uncovered a serious flaw in NASA's global warming data. Of course NASA acted like competent scientists and acknowledged the error... are you kidding? -- they tried to bury the mistake. Original story on the jump.

"As a result of Stephen McIntyre's calculations, climatologists at the Goddard Institute of Space Science in New York now accept that 1934 was historically the United States' hottest year since records began, not 1998 as they had claimed. It also turns out that five of the 10 warmest years on record in the US occurred before 1939, and only one is from the 21st century, raising questions over the statistics used in Al Gore's environmental film An Inconvenient Truth to highlight the faster pace of climate change."

Well isn't that interesting?

Here's another take on the Newsweek cover story from last week (on the jump)
Noel Sheppard responds to each paragraph in the article. Much better than I care to.

Zambrano's arm falls of in 3...2...

Pitcher Carlos Zambrano agrees to 5-year, $91.5 million contract

Good luck, old man.

I say it here... 13 hours later it's on AP?

It appears that Nedra Pickler's article (on the jump) has repeated my post from earlier in the day.

Is Nedra so lazy as to steal my bit? I mean, sure she added a bunch of facts and figures, and hell - probably interviewed the people involved and had fact checkers and such - but, it's pretty close, no?

Walk Hard

Pretty sure there won't be much left after this trailer - however - this looks like the greatest parody of the 18 rags-to-riches-to-too-much-blow pop star Oscar movie.

Thanks to J for pointing it out to me.

Vicktims

A man that once graced the February issue of Blasphemes is now in a wee bit trouble for being involved with dog-fighting. I have been silent on this because I believe in this little thing called due process. If you think I am crazy to wait before I pass my own judgment on him remember the Duke lacrosse players "scandal." They were demonized and run out of school. They had a chance to win the NCAA championship that year and it went away because of false allegations. I played lacrosse and the NCAA title is the big enchilada of lacrosse. Yes, there are some pro leagues but trust me when I say that they are just rice and beans. They were not afforded the change to compete for the meal. In fact, they were driven out of school. They had their pictures posted at the school that accused them of rape. OF RAPE!! That is some serious shit and imagine how they must have felt knowing that they did not do it and everyone accusing and ignoring.

I digress. Back to Vick.

Vick is accused of some atrocious things. Fighting dogs. Killing dogs. Being an asshole. Well, the last is not an official charge but . . .

The prosecutors have given Vick until 9AM tomorrow morning to accept the plea deal that they are offering him. The plea has at least one year of jail time in it. If he refuses the plea deal, superseding indictments will be pressed.

Interesting choice. I think we will find out tomorrow if he thinks he did it.

Summer TV - Another update

Update for you: I watched the first couple minutes of Flash Gordon. Yep. Sucks golf balls from 200 feet of garden hose alright.

With a budget of, oh, maybe 100 bucks - the opening sequence didn't even hold my attention for 5 minutes. Looks like a Canadian, perhaps New Zealand (Xena) super production? Whatever it is, it's very very bad - and it has been removed from the TiVo with great haste.

And Billy Crystal threatens to start late night talk show. In other news, Billy Crystal is still alive.

Karl Rove on waivers

It appears that Karl Rove's release from Major League Politics is yet another brilliant got-you-looking move by the master of disguise and deception. Truly a master. He's making pot shots at the Democrats outside the Alamo now, and the strategy has already stirred up the wasp nest that is the Clinton campaign.

Up until yesterday, when the Clinton Machine was merely focused on destroying the image and lives of Obama and Edwards - the first barrage from Rove hit their starboard side. Outside the White House compound, Rove has impunity from directly linking himself to Bush policy.

Never mind the fact that Rove will most likely still be a policy advisor to the President - but on a contract or consulting basis. Perhaps he'll make more money in this capacity?

What's the bottom line? Good for Rove, good for Clinton. Rove has basically named Hillary as the nominee to the Democratic Party. His endorsement will undoubtedly elevate Hillary to the martyr status she desperately seeks. This will put double digit distance from Obama and Edwards, and will probably choke their fundraising abilities. Not at first, but within the next couple months. Mostly because of these 'Republican attacks' from the deeply hated and feared 'Rove'. However, questions should be raised - why would Rove do this to help Hillary?

Obviously he realizes that she's the better candidate for a Republican to face in the general election. Which one? Does it matter?

Cub$ in mid Aug

It should be no surprise that the Cubs have lost 9 of their last 12. Only winner was their day off. The team ERA is 5.7 for the month - luckily for them, just a smidge better than the first place Brewers. Soriano's injury has created a massive gap, and screwing around with Dempster in the 7th and 8th innings have put a giant question mark on his head as the reigning closer.

And there's the recent skid by Carlos Zambrano is troubling, especially with the two kids in the rotation, Sean Marshall and Rich Hill. Sure it's just a couple games, but there are rumors of a sore shoulder - and in this organization - rumors tend to be terrible terrible facts that come out after the player's shoulder falls off requiring three years of DL.

Luckily for Cub$ fans, the Brewer's are falling apart at about the exact same time.

What does this mean? It means the Cardinals are quietly gaining on them both, and even though they're just about as banged up - the Cardinals have been closing in on both teams and taking advantage of the situation.

Cub$ finish the month out by play Milwaukee and also the Cardinals - and unfortunately for them - at home. They're not very good at home. 30-33? Ouch.

Well, it was a fine July. I actually listened to Pat and Ron, even watched a couple games - at home. But the last three times I tuned in on AM - I heard the score and flipped it right off.
Which is what the team seems to be doing.

Thank you, One F

I have been asked to temporarily move out of room 641A in San Fransisco. It seems some liberal judges think that the security of the United States is not of import to the American public. I warned them against placing the headquarters in the midst of the liberal insanity. But the Eagle would not listen. They listened when I told them what Kerry was up to in the summer of 2004 and when they could have some friends of mine raise some questions which he would not have the money to answer. But this Congress seems to love to drag out America's secrets into public view and discuss them. Hippies.

Anyway, the defeatists that write for this site have asked me to post my email so that they can be contacted. I guess they figured while I was reading it anyway they should just send it to me. Feel free to email. I will pass it on. These dudes are a batch of puss so I will take care of it. Come to think of it y'all don't comment very much either. What? Are you scared?

In my copious free time, since I can't protect America right now, I have been cleaning up the site a little so that it will look better. These clowns have a magazine on the shelves every month and don't even use their own logo in the header. Pathetic. So if you see some odd things they will go away shortly.

That's as much as you will find out about me. No we can talk some real, non-cut-and-run politics.

New Contributor

I know that you are all excited about having even more blasphemous material posted here. I would like it if you would all welcome to the Blaspheme team frequent poster and now contributor, Howard the Spy.

Welcome Howard.

Howard has been working in government intelligence for the better part of 40 years. With a tremendous track record of gathering intelligence for some of America's best wars including the Vietnam, Korean, and Iraqi Wars. Most recently he was referenced during the U.S. Attorney Purge and Voter Suppression hearings. Differing, blasphemous viewpoints are our rosy business. And Howard is our newest thorn.

Howard will also be allowing us to receive email. We, ourselves, are too frightened to let you contact us directly but Howard promises to forward the email on to us. The address is howardthespy@gmail.com. Enjoy!

Python Toys

Monty Python toys - linked here -
My God, it's a good thing I'm too busy buying dangerous lead based baby toys -

And it's also good these didn't exist in college.

All I needed was a Giant Rabbit with Big Pointy (plush) Teeth and the Black Knight Talking Bop Bag (to your Left), or a Knight of Ni Chibi Plush toy (to the Right) - one could imagine what a hit they would have been at the old House.

Of course, it could be debated with great success that the purchase of these items would have prolonged my virginity, and most likely those around me for the duration of my college experience...

But a Black Knight Talking Bop guy?! That's brilliant!

Maybe I'll get a job in a cubical and fill it with this stuff, just so no one will bother me while I contemplate suicide? Hmmmm....

Madden

New Madden 08 hits stores today. Improvements this year include greatly-expanded product placement. A review...

Now, if you can lose a player to injury, how about due to arrest?

I also wonder if there's a PacMan Jones 'Slap a Bitch' mini game?

Summer TV Update

John From Cincinnati Sit-canned (Link to Story)

Whew. Am I glad I didn't start watching that! Everyone I know who was watching it couldn't quite tell me what it was about or if it was worth their time.
Too bad HBO didn't pick up Mad Men - and too bad Mad Men isn't on HoBo - because there's already a fair amount of drinkin' and smokin' I'd love to hear more racial slurs and biggotry. I'll take what I can get. It's better in the background anyway.

I'm interested in checking out Californication (terrible name, yes) as I have a friend working on it. But, I don't have Showtime, and sorry buddy, I ain't buyin' it. So I'll have to wait til a free weekend or iTunes, or DVD.

I also hear that the new Flash Gordon sucks golf balls from 200 feet of garden hose. But I haven't seen it, and I'm only reporting what I overheard.

More Toys Recalled

Millions more toys have been recalled.(link)

These toys will be smelted down and turned into toothpaste, as there's another recall on 'fancy' toothpaste that has anti-freese in it.

Now, let's get a hold of this thing - the toys aren't just lead laced this time - it's more about the magnets in the kid's gut and if there are two of them in the gut it can be fatal. And, I for one, don't eat my toothpaste. I haven't since I was a kid.

And I think that's where we have to start manning up on this topic - teach your kids not to eat or lick their friggin' toys! And don't swallow the toothpaste!

Okay, so the toothpaste was going to fancy high end hotels (which, begs the question, if they're so 5 star, how come they're using the cheepest toothpaste?) and I know that little kids just can't help eating anf licking their toys.

Regulation won't end this - in China or the States. Petitions do nothing but waste paper. It's up to parents to quit buying this crap - or at the very least - try to keep Johnny ADD from eating his lead toys.

Oh, and a bridge collapsed in China - I'm sure there's a joke about how we need to raise taxes to rebuild China's bridges - or something... but no matter what, it's Bush's fault.

That's Hardball!!

Judging by the ratings, I am pretty sure I am the only one that still tunes into Chris Matthews' show with any sort of regularity. Last Friday could have been the oddest show in political history.

Chris was discussing China's exports with Erin Burnett, who although attractive (that comes into play in a moment), is no thinker. I normally half listen to the show because I do things around the house until Keith Olberman comes on but I heard this quote:

I think people should be careful what they wish for on China -- you know, if China were to revalue its currency, or China is to start making, say, toys that don't have lead in them, or food that isn't poisonous, their costs of production are going to go up. And that means prices at Walmart, here in the United States, are going to go up too. So, I would say China is our greatest friend right now.

This is not the odd part of the show but it is one that I would like to parse because I don't think I get it. Erin, I believe, is saying that we should stop our bitching (Cap'n, she's looking at you) about China's product quality. So, if whiney-pants like us got what we wanted - namely, food without poison and toys without lead - Walmart would be a more expensive place to shop. But since they are not doing that and there is still poison in the food and lead in children's toys they are now our greatest friend. And. She wasn't kidding.

Then Chris Matthews has the most awkward moment in TV history. Thanks to these helpful tubes that are the internets we can all take a look:



So if you are a good looking guest you are allowed to spout insanity as long as you give Chris a peek. Just a peek

Head of China Toy Co. Commits Suicide

(UPDATE)
BEIJING - The head of a Chinese toy manufacturing company at the center of a huge U.S. recall has committed suicide, a state-run newspaper said Monday.

Zhang Shuhong, who ran the Lee Der Industrial Co. Ltd, killed himself at a warehouse over the weekend, days after China said it had temporarily banned exports by the company, the Southern Metropolis Daily said.

No word yet on whether the family will be charged for the bullet.

Wormtounge Out

Karl Rove, President Bush's longtime political adviser, is resigning as White House deputy chief of staff effective Aug. 31, and returning to Texas, marking a turning point for the Bush presidency, and ending the focal point for millions upon millions of angry bloggers.

Rush Hour 3 is #1 at the BO, funny, it looked like #2 to me.

"'Rush Hour 3' debuts No. 1 at box office" Obviously when the credits ran, there were a lot of open ended threads and too many characters to keep track of at the end of the first Rush Hour. Rush Hour, the original masterpiece which melded American Comedy and Hong Kong Kung Fu Action put the unlikely pair of a soul town playa forced to work with a real fish out of water. The wisecracking style of the anti-authority guy who's unlikely alliance with the strict by-the-book with honor and strange Chinese customs ruffled a few feathers, tackled the villain and infused new and untapped brilliance to the never-old cop buddy picture.

And, of course, after the second Rush Hour, where Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan left us dangling - yet again - on multiple plot threads. Was the asthmatic man in the black mask really his father? Would they be able to destroy the One Ring in the fiery pit of Mt. Doom? Would they continue to be forced to live with the terrible lie and continue to hide their deepest love for one another? These answers- are hopefully - finally put to rest with the opening of this weekend's third installment.

Now I know that 67.8 million dollars worth of people went to see the answers displayed as the two mis-matched coppers brought their brand of action and comedy to Paris (of all places!) But please - DON'T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!

I was unable to make it to the theater this weekend - it's a long story - but please, please - don't tell me how they wrapped up the ending. Don't tell me if the Cooper doppelganger exited the Black Lodge, thus taking the real Cooper's place and what he does next. Don't even think about explaining how Jack and the rest of the passengers of flight 815 got off the island and how they were able to shift the time from flashbacks to flash forwards. And please please please do not tell me why 678,000 people (67.8 divided by 10 bucks) decided to leave their homes, and watch this movie - because this is the greatest mystery of all.

Coming Soon:

Michael Vick to be suspended for 2007-2008 season.

Put down that Cheeseburger!

In accordance with Sammich month - Here's a new trend. With rising health insurance premiums, companies are starting to charge fat workers extra if they don't put down the cheeseburgers. It's like smoking, but with fat. (the headline is the link to the story on ABC)

Perhaps your employer should take away the machines full of crap in the break room?

Just a thought.

And in Music News . . .

• Amy Winehouse, fresh off of her mediocre show at Lollapalooza, has been discharged from London's University Hospital after an apparent overdose. She received a shot of adrenaline and a stomach pumping before being released. I had a similar situation listening to her last weekend. And involuntary stomach pump and a strong need of some shots.
  
  
• Not to be outdone by the kids, Luciano Pavoratti was also admitted to a hospital on Thursday for undisclosed reasons. Those damn kids got nothing on the greatest generation.
  
  
• On the good news front, Porter Wagoner, a Blasphemes favorite, is making a comeback after leaving a psychiatric hospital. After his gig with the White Stripes he commented, "Dolly was a better bang than Meg." The jury is still out on who had the worse outfit.
  
  
• Not to be outdone by Angelina Jolie, Ricky Martin has started the process to adopt "a child from each continent." A child collection. Like dogs, but they mow the lawn and quit college.
  
  
• Keith Richards would like to clarify the snorting dad's ashes comment that he made in his book. He did NOT mix his dad with cocaine, he only snorted him.

"The cocaine bit was rubbish," he said. "I said I chopped him up like cocaine, not with.

"I pulled the lid off [my father's urn] and out comes a bit of dad on the dining room table," Richards continued. "I'm going, 'I can't use the brush and dustpan for this.

"What I found out is that ingesting your ancestors is a very respectable way of...y'know, he went down a treat."

Open Letter to at&t/Yahoo mail

For the amount of money I'm paying for my Professional DSL service - my Yahoo page and my email pages are now full of, not only ads - but flashing annoying ads - like the Wal Mart coupon ad that is generating this letter.

How much MORE do I have to pay to NOT see these annoying ads? I'd THINK that over $70.00 per month for high speed DSL and a phone I never use would insulate me from these horrible ads all over everything.

And, here's an opportunity that you (Att/Yahoo) are wasting -- you could have pinpoint accuracy of my profile, what I eat, what I wear, what car I'm looking for based just on the demographics you already have of me -- and instead you put these awful, terrible ads that annoy me, and for products I'll never, ever, ever use.

Shame on you all. You're no better than AOL.
Please forward to at&t CEO Randall Stephenson and also Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang.

Combining Posts is more efficent

Barack Obama is 0-3 this week, as he dodged a question about Barry Bonds.

A merging of two sports, politics and baseball. Lucky for me, writing a blog entry about both items saves time!

Here's what the Senator said when asked if he'd honor Bonds at an Obama White House:

"First of all, he’s still gotta hit one more, and it’s been taking a while. I had the opportunity to meet Hank Aaron just this past weekend. It reminded me of what sports should be, and that is something that young people can look up to.

"Now, Barry Bonds is a remarkable baseball player, and I honor his achievement. But I hope that all of us are focused on making sure that sports is something that kids can look up to, not something that they start feeling cynical about. We’ve got enough cynicism in politics without having cynicism in our sports teams as well.”

When Olbermann (the moderator) followed up and asked him if that was that a yes or no, Obama offered, “Like I said, he hasn’t done it yet, so we’ll answer the question when he does.”

If you think that was a base on balls, I'd disagree and say it was a strike-out.
Bonds, then hit his homerun, and Hank Aaron gave a little video address to Barry. Which was nice. I'd post it here, but if you care, you've seen it already.

Anyhow - I don't care that Obama is dodging questions. It's fascinating that he doesn't have an opinion on the issue. And he's getting his guts pulled out by Hillary right now, who's taking every word that comes out of the man and handing it back to him with spikes and pointy edges. Really, it's just an opportunity for me to put Bonds and Obama n the labels section.