Craig's Lisp

It's the hypocrisy that makes it a story.

As you have no doubt heard --due to the combination of sex, lies and audio tape-- Republican Senator Larry Craig of Idaho --a man who has taken a, um, firm stand against gay rights of any kind throughout his entire political career-- was arrested this past June in Minneapolis for soliciting sex from another man in an airport men's room. The other man turned out to be an undercover cop. Pollyanna that he is, Senator Craig quickly plead guilty to a lesser charge in the hopes that the whole sordid story would go unheard by the world at large.

Clearly, that didn't happen.

The editors of Craig's hometown newspaper, the Idaho Statesman, were already sitting on several rumors pertaining to the politician's private proclivities but, having no illusions about their place in the grand pantheon of media outlets, showed remarkable restraint for this day and age and chose not to "break" anything nor "scoop" anybody by going off half, uh, cocked and besmirching the reputation of a man whose blustering homophobia was, perhaps, an honestly held belief.

The concrete reality of both an arrest report and a guilty plea in Minnesota, however, was different. The Statesman did report that. They also asked the Senator to comment --to, uh, rebut, if you will-- just as they had with the previous rumors.

All this sudden, stark attention quite naturally drove Senator Craig to hold a press conference earlier this week in which he accused the Statesman of conducting a "witch hunt." Fortunately for all of us, the only body part Larry Craig seems to be sticking in his mouth these days is his own foot. As MSNBC's Keith Olbermann pointed out, Senator Craig's, uh, public statement consisted of some interesting choices of words. Here are a scant few...

Craig's opening line:
"First of all, thank you all very much, uh, for coming out today..."

Mm-hmm. You wish, Senator.

Later he said: "I never have been gay."

Now (*ahem*) far be it from me, a smart-[arsed] truck driver, to tell you, a United States Senator, what the proper grammatical structure of that sentence should have been, but I think you should have said, "I have never been gay," instead of, "I never have been gay." If nothing else, you'd have prevented one smart-[arsed], long-haul trucker from responding thus...

I never have Ben Gay, either-- I always forget to buy it when I'm at the store. Here's some free advice, though, Senator: You don't wanna use Ben Gay for that, anyway. It burns. Yes, I know it says "analgesic" on the side of the tube, but trust me-- that's one burn you don't wanna feel.

Now if you, Dear Reader, have heard the details of Senator "Lispin'" Larry Craig's arrest, then you have probably also heard that one of his excuses for sending solicitous signals is that he has a wide stance when using the bathroom. What follows is a list of rejoinders...

(1) Wide stance; narrow mind.

(2) Yeah... heh, (*shrug*) that's the scuttlebutt.

(3) Really? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

(4) And what, pray tell, is your stance on other illegal activities?

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P.S.... Attention Dennis Kucinich: Your presence is
desperately required back at the Keebler Tree.

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P.P.S.... Bud "The Anal Gesic" Selig must go.