Liquidation Sale

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Perfect gifts for the little ones

When you pull the tap it plays, "Where Everybody Knows Your Name." And when you sit on the barstool it yells, "Norm!" 

And after you're done at the bar you jump into your Lit'l Tyke's Coupe - 

And then you can practice saying your ABC's backwards! This is fun!

Oops R comes after S when you're going backwards, Timmy! But now we can play a new game!

And if you don't win you get to play in Jail!

What a great Christmas!

Action Figure

The website Herobuilders.com offers an assortment of action figures, including politically themed figures. In addition to featuring a disproportionate amount of Sarah Palin figures, the site also has a talking Jimmy McMillan doll, otherwise known as "the rent is too damn high" guy.

What does Jimmy McMillan the action figure say? We'll give you one guess.

If you're thinking of Christmas gifts early, or know someone who really gets into the spirit of midterms, the talking McMillan will run you $49.95. Or you could save and get the non-talking McMillan figure ($39.95) but then you'd really be missing out on the best part of the action figure. (via Herobuilders.com)

Of course, we know that Sam Jackson is already growing his facial hair to star in the movie version of the New York Debate.

There is no contest

Just in time for the High Holidays

Hello Kthulhu

Huggable elder god. she has sweet red eyes, 4 face tentacles, arms and legs as well as wings.

Intoxicatingly Kawaii!

So cute you don't mind going insane or having your soul ripped out for devouring.

3.5 in tall when standing.
bamboo-merino blend.
bamboo-cotton blend bow and dress.

This photo has been blogged halfway across the Multiverse and back...
If you see it in a commercial setting PLEASE let me know right away.

thanks.

GI Joe and Transformers CHANNEL

Discovery Kids Network to be Eaten by Unicron to create the 24 Hour Kid's Toys Cartoon CHANNEL!

Wow. As a parent and a free thinker that knows that kids under 10 years old cannot distinguish between programming and advertisements....[citation? JAMA, Child Psychology Today, Common Sense! Oh fine, here's a link to science...]

On the flip side - as a regular readers of Blasphemes know, I am a child stuck in 1979, and this absolutely appeals to my interests.

So here's the press release...[translations in brackets, because I can speak press release]

Hasbro and Discovery Communications Announce Joint Venture to Create Television Network Dedicated to High-Quality Children's and Family Entertainment and Educational Content [Hasbro Cartoon Channel]

In Late 2010; TV Network to Reach Approximately 60 Million Nielsen Households in the U.S. Served by Discovery Kids Channel -- [Allow me to translate - The dismal underperforming Discovery Kids, which has the ability to reach 60 Million brain caps - but is only watched by .009% of that audience... because those little bastards prefer Spongebob and Dorra instead of our crap - so our crap will be 'Transformed' into the Hasbro Channel. Pun intended.]

Both the network and the venture’s online component will feature content from Hasbro’s rich portfolio of entertainment and educational properties [Reruns of Transformers, and "educational" means the 30 second Gi Joe PSA's] built over the past 90 years, including original programming for animation, game shows, and live-action series and specials. New programming will be based on brands such as ROMPER ROOM, TRIVIAL PURSUIT, SCRABBLE, CRANIUM, MY LITTLE PONY, G.I. JOE, GAME OF LIFE, TONKA and TRANSFORMERS, among many others. [Everything Hasbro makes, and we'll air any old VHS tapes of toys - that we're still making or still have the license to.]

The TV network and online presence also will include content from Discovery’s extensive library of award-winning children’s educational programming, such as BINDI THE JUNGLE GIRL, ENDURANCE, TUTENSTEIN, HI-5, FLIGHT 29 DOWN and PEEP AND THE BIG WIDE WORLD, as well as programming from third-party producers. [These other things you've never heard of will be coming soon to a Toys R Us near you! Or will be canceled in favor of a second hour of Transformers Beast Wars re-runs. Whatever works.]

“This joint venture reinforces Discovery’s strategy to develop strong brands, maximize the potential of our extensive distribution in the U.S. and work with the highest quality content partners to create long-term value,” [This is nothing but hot air about 60 million kids that 'could' tune in. Hello, McDonald's, we'd like your money.] said David Zaslav, President and CEO of Discovery Communications. “Brian Goldner and the dynamic management team at Hasbro have a long track record of developing well-respected quality brands that entertain and encourage creative play. [We're making 30 minute ads for kids that we're pretending is content.]

The combined assets of both partners provide a compelling platform for building a trusted children’s destination that engages and enlightens a thirsty and growing audience. [Heh, I'm bullsh*tting you, it's the Hasbro Toy Channel]."

Tauntaun Joke Gets Real

Sensing yet another chance to get a bundle of my cash, the folks at ThinkGeek are going to take a shot at actually producing their April Fool's Star Wars Tauntaun Sleeping bag. Lucasfilm is the only thing standing in their way.

"ATTN Tauntaun Fanatics! Due to an overwhelming tsunami of requests from YOU THE PEOPLE, we have decided to TRY and bring this to life. We have no clue if the suits at Lucasfilms will grant little ThinkGeek a license, nor do we know how much it would ultimately retail for. But if you are interested in ever owning one of these, click the link below and we'll try!"

One thing is for sure, Lucasfilm never passes cashing in. NEVER!!!

And yes, it will smell just like you think it will smell.

Awesome

Here's Conan riding My Little Pony, while chopping off Destro's head. That is all.

GI Toe is [probably] Going to Stink

Folks, the GI Joe movie has been showing signs of total and complete suck for months now. Pretty much ever since they decided that it's going to be an international task force....

A video from the Toy Fair shows a robotic GI Joe suit that does 'awesome' stuff. It's got cords and running, it talks, and looks more like RoboCop and Buzz Lightyear's illegitimate son. That outfit reveals "the Accelerator sequence" in the movie. It's an Iron Man-ish power suit. It is not the simple GI Joe with a Kung Fu grip. Oh, and suggested retail is $70.

Meanwhile, all research on the subject - because for some reason Blasphemes readers really enjoy GI Joe movie updates - everyone involved, from the Director, to the writer, to the art director have zero knowledge of the property before they were hired. Look, that's probably okay. Most Star Wars kids grew out of their toys before GI Joe really got big. But no one involved seems to know what this is about. GI Joe has been around since the 60's. There was a comic, a fairly rich toy history, and a half hour ad/cartoon that ran most of the 80's. Zero knowledge?

Plus - they're under an extreme time crunch to get the principle photography (read green screen) finished so that they can cram in the 1,400 FX in before August. All this because some people went to see the transforming trucks... So don't expect Oscar caliber dialogue on this steamer.

Second, they're screwing around with Cobra Commander. Here's the first look. Granted, it's for the kiddies - but it's a fairly good guess what the final will end up looking like.

Guys, this isn't hard - he's supposed to look like this or this:


I'm not even suggesting that you make him a used car salesman (Marvel Comics) or a complete idiot that spent no time in training his people. Cobra troops couldn't shoot straight. Hell, even his pilots in mini-helicopters had to have standard issue parachutes because they got shot down so often.

At least NO ONE ever got hurt.

Let's face it - Cobra Commander was a meglo-maniac with an inexhaustible trust fund for MASS Devices, a weather dominators, and flying aircraft carrier bases (even at 1985's prices, I can't imagine what it would have cost just to fuel that thing) and a retirement pension fund for henchmen that must rival the UAW especially since no one ever died - but say what you will about the guy - his style was pretty awesome. So why mess with that?

I should also mention that Snake Eyes has a mouth in his face mask - and it kind of moves when he's not speaking.

On the bright side, there's no mention of Sgt. Slaughter being on the cast.

Potty Training

Pants man! (Probably not safe for work?)

Is there nothing the Japanese can't make cute super excellent exciting? All the US has is Elmo. I also noticed that their reward system is electronic, where all I ever remember getting was boring old sticker stars... if only I would have had an electronic Tiger, maybe I wouldn't be incontinent?

Also note the birth of a super cute little Japanese Mr. Hankey!

Steampunk StarWars

Have you ever heard of "Steam Punk?" Steampunk is a subgenre of geekdom fantasy and which keeps a particular breed of virgins to prevent actually seeing a vagina. It's from the fiction works that were set in a world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century. Think H. G. Wells and Jules Verne, or if someone had built a computer after the Civil War. You know, Wild Wild West kind of stuff.
It's not enough anymore to dress up and be a cos-player (dressing up in Underoos of your favorite super hero). Now the "cool new trend" amongst the geeks and nerds at the Comic Con is to dress as a Steampunk version of your favorite character.

Now, the concept of the Steampunk Star Wars figures is actually kind of interesting - it takes the original ideas of the movie - which borrowed HEAVILY from early Flash Gordon and Buck Rodgers - and kind of places it back even a tad further. The artistry of the action figures this guy has created is really kind of pretty.

That's why I'm sharing it with you. Here's the larger article - and where the pictures are from. The Darth Vader looks like a tool - but the Leia in a corset and no Cinnamon buns in her hair is interesting. I'd like to see what the ships would look like in this concept. Imagine how cool the prequels could have been if they would have just adapted this kind of look. I might even have looked past Jar Jar if it had looked like this.... But why do they all have to have goggles?

LEGO Army

Brick Arms (direct link)

Do you have a little cousin, or perhaps, you have a whole bunch of LEGO people in a large bin, and you've always been a little disappointed that the Dutch, [Danes - oops] while exporting Western culture since the 1500's, never bothered arming those little yellow devils with the tools that created Western culture? Well be disappointed no longer! Now you can arm up those little hands with all SORTS of cool weaponry, making sure that your LEGO guys can finally stand up to the little green army men.

Hell, BrickArms can help you build your own private LEGO army with everything you need, from the superadvanced Colonial Marines' Xeno Pulse Rifles to NATO's G36 Assault Rifles to vintage German Rocket Propeller Grenade launchers, PPK pistols with Brausch silencers and Magnum revolvers. If your private army is a bunch of LEGO minifigs, that is. Gizmodo talked with the arms dealer himself, Will Chapman. Interview and amazing full gallery on the jump.

Hey, be sure to tell 'em Cappy from Blasphemes sent you. Brick Arms (direct link)

Evolution Dance

Optimus Prime's Evolution of Dance... No wonder Megatron wants to kill this guy.

Poison Toys Kill Children, Buzz Teens

Let's take a quick review of TODAY's recalls - Curious George Discovers Lead Paint, and Bindeez - the toy that puts little kids in comas...

...but the first part I want to discuss this evening is where the media couldn't wait to tell you that if you - er, that is, your kid - if your kid swallows the beads, it releases a chemical reaction that mimics the Date Rape drug.

Tests have shown chemicals in the beads turn into a substance similar to liquid ecstasy or GHB if swallowed.

Two children in North America became seriously ill after ingesting the toy.

Now, I'm not pretending that I understand this crazy group of people we call a society, but I'm PRETTY sure if you go around telling everyone on the planet that there's a 10 dollar ecstasy just waiting for them at the Toys R Us - you might not be doing your job right. This evening there are multiple stories from English speaking news agencies that are shocked, shocked by the black market that Bindeez has created. Between the creepy guys and the teenage raver kids, it should be an interesting week on eBay.

But what about the children?
As far as the kids go, here's the story on that...

Early in October, a 2-year-old boy was admitted to a Sydney hospital after he fell into a coma and began suffering seizurelike spasms. Kevin Carpenter, a biochemical geneticist in Sydney, discovered traces of Gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid, or GHB, in the boy's urine. GHB has been used as a rave drug -- at low doses, it causes a sense of euphoria -- and in the commission of date rape.

Carpenter learned that the boy had ingested Bindeez beads. When he tested the beads in a mass spectrometer, he found they contained traces of an industrial chemical that keeps glue inactive -- the chemical dissolves in water, which is why the beads stick together when you wet them.

Either way, if you take the blue Bindeez, or the red one, you're going down the slide.
Let's step back a moment. Okay, the toy is basically a really cheep raver fun toy. But for kids, this thing's basic component is still motherf*kin' small beads!

You're kidding? Your 2 year old toddler ate these things? Really? Small little beads that look like food? I'm surprised - Why the f*ck did you have this in your house you stupid somavabiach?!

The GR8 ART Bindeez Starter Pack includes 500 beads, a 4 Colour Bindeez Pen, six Template Designs, two Trays, 2 display stands, a Bindeez Water Sprayer and an instruction booklet.

Ages 4 and up

FOUR and UP. I can't do math and I STILL got that one right!

There are five dead kids on the planet now, and an instant new street drug that cost about ten bucks. Yeah, I looked it up. What of it?

Oh, and all that Curious George movie crap you bought just got recalled too. They kind of snuck that one in between the Fisher-Price and the Bindeez Buzz.

And after all that, Bindeez (The American Toy Association's Toy of the Year) sounds more like a binding drug to fight diarrhea by creating constipation.

More Toys Recalled

Millions more toys have been recalled.(link)

These toys will be smelted down and turned into toothpaste, as there's another recall on 'fancy' toothpaste that has anti-freese in it.

Now, let's get a hold of this thing - the toys aren't just lead laced this time - it's more about the magnets in the kid's gut and if there are two of them in the gut it can be fatal. And, I for one, don't eat my toothpaste. I haven't since I was a kid.

And I think that's where we have to start manning up on this topic - teach your kids not to eat or lick their friggin' toys! And don't swallow the toothpaste!

Okay, so the toothpaste was going to fancy high end hotels (which, begs the question, if they're so 5 star, how come they're using the cheepest toothpaste?) and I know that little kids just can't help eating anf licking their toys.

Regulation won't end this - in China or the States. Petitions do nothing but waste paper. It's up to parents to quit buying this crap - or at the very least - try to keep Johnny ADD from eating his lead toys.

Oh, and a bridge collapsed in China - I'm sure there's a joke about how we need to raise taxes to rebuild China's bridges - or something... but no matter what, it's Bush's fault.