Happy St. Patrick's Day

The Washington Post: Legalize It

The Washington Post ran an article today which read: Time to Legalize Drugs .

On the face, it almost seems like they're going out on a limb there, eh? The article opens by re-creating a drug deal straight out of Hill Street Blues or The Wire - and then say that drug dealers are disproportionately arrested on the South Side street corners, but not in college dormitories.

The article goes on to offer that States should decide their drug policy.

But hold on, it's not the actual opinion of the Washington Post, it's in fact an Op-Ed which means it's opposite of the editorial page. Bigger and better than a letter to the editor, but not a whole hellofalot more.

Anyway, we've all known for a long - long time that Prohibition does not work. Chris Rock said it best, "even if you got rid of all the drugs in the world - someone would still be trying to find a way to get high... check this out..."

But this is Blasphemes, so I feel that I should offer a new or unusual perspective to the debate. Let me offer a simple question. Do you own your own body and what goes into it? Or is the government in charge of your body and what goes into it?

Why do we allow our governments to regulate what substances can and cannot go into your body? Fluoride is great, but cocaine isn't. Twinkes are okay too, but not dope, according to our government. Our government subsidizes High Fructose Corn Syrup and nicotine production, but throws a teenager in jail for carrying too much weed. Seems kind of silly how it's all over the board like that.

But seeing as there are public health and public safety holes all over that Ad Hoc argument I just tossed up there -- let's look to history.

The temperance and abolition movement cultivated in the adding of the 18th Amendment to the Constitution. The movements realized that in order to curtail your freedoms, a change in the Constitution would be necessary. The government had to limit the freedom of the citizens. Note, up until then, the Constitution was meant to limit the reach and power of the government. Kind of a switch up there.

When it failed, and failed in such spectacular crimson blood spilled streets, the Constitution had to be fixed. Here comes the 21st amendment which repealed the 18th. Experiment failed.

What did we learn? Nothing. Not one thing. Nixon declared war on drugs, and for four decades his prohibition also been a complete failure. If the goal was to reduce overall illicit drug use, that's a fail. But if the goal of the war on drugs was to erode key civil liberties, well, that's a win for the government. Oh, and raising the prices. The government does a good job with that too.

Building prisons instead of schools, a militarization of the police and the streets, killing innocents... destroying neighborhoods, families, incarceration of generations of young men because of insane zero tolerance laws... the perpetual drug war that inevitably fuels the violent, underground market? Why would anyone embrace a philosophy of cruelty and insanity? There's just too much money to be made.

And, pound for pound, nicotine and alcohol are by far more hazardous to human tissue than most underground pharmaceuticals.

You Blew It - South Side Irish Parade is Over

You drunken idiots.

All 300,000 of you.

The party is over.

The organizers of the South Side Irish St. Patrick's Day Parade on Western Avenue, in Chicago IL, said they would no longer hold the event "in its present form."
Mary Beth Sheehan, a spokeswoman for the parade, said the decision was not the result of any specific incident. She said, "It's a cumulative thing. We have a small, wonderful neighborhood here. Mashing 300,000 people in here is a little too much for this neighborhood."

The parade is a "victim of its own success."

Okay look, I probably agree that this parade has gotten 'a wee bit' out of hand. Seeing 500 people run behind a building to pee on it at any one given moment was kind of surreal. Yeah, I was number 42 in that crowd.

Having your friends park a car on the parade route a couple days in advance, loaded to the gills with beer... yeah, but that's part of the experience.

Having to dry out for about ten hours after a twenty minute parade - yeah, that's awesome.

Now it's gone.

Makers of Oui Oui Port-a-potties and the nice folks who own pubs on Western are going to need city bail out money or something.

On the positive note, there's a little baby-kid's Irish parade on Northwest Highway...
(which, is already twenty times as large as when the South Side parade started in 1979. The original was seventeen kids and a red wagon with one of the kids dressed up as St. Pat.)

Feel free to share your favorite South Side Irish Parade memories -- however few of them you have.

St. Patricks Rules

Dear Faithful Readers,

Today is amature hour in the realm of professional alcoholism. Please allow me to lay down some ground rules for you so that you don't come off as a complete tosser if, in fact, you plan on spending your day throwing Guinness down your throat until it comes back up in a city gutter.

1. Don't put all that promotional "Irish" shiat all over yourself.
This isn't Halloween, so leave the ridiculous costumes at home. Showing up at a bar in a plastic green bowler hat, six pounds of green beads and a "F*ckme I'm Irish" shirt - not only does this scream, I'm a tool - it does not make you look more 'authentic'. If you must, add a subtle touch of green to your regular wardrobe and hit the bar. Or go the distance and dress up like Bono.

2. Stop saying "I'm actually Irish"
Just because your great-great-great Grandmother's second cousin was from Donegal does not make you Irish. You are an American. This is not "your holiday." You've never even been to Ireland.

3. Don't Get As Drunk As You Possibly Can
I know this is difficult to grasp, but it's important. While today is about drinking, it's not a free pass to get shiat-your-pants-wasted. No one wants to see you puke 13 green beers all over the sidewalk. And if you're not a professional alcoholic, why pick today to try to go beer-for-beer with your mates who are? Instead, have 1.5 beers/drinks every hour, and a green water chaser. I know it sounds like a pain in the ass to keep track, but by midnight you will be at peak drunkenness and thanking me for it. Don't want to look like a pussy? Have a Shamrock Shake and don't go out.

Another Pro Tip: Paddy's Day is a great opportunity to hook up. Girls might pass a bloke that's puking or just crapped their pants. (Usually. I'm just going on statistical averages here.)

2. Only Drink Irish Booze.
Don't have one Guinness and then go back to drinking Amstel Light all evening. Show some respect! Jameson, Guinness and Harp. And just because you dyed the Bud Light Green does not make it Irish all the sudden.

1. Stop Speaking In The World's Worst Fake Irish Accent
It wasn't funny the first time you said, "Let go of me Lucky Charms!" It also wasn't funny when you yelled, "Erin Go Bra-less!" or "Aye, you weee lass!" 50 times in a row. Your Irish accent sounds more like Corky from Life Goes On than Colin Farrell. So just stop that right now.

One last pro tip... don't drive tonight. If there's ever a night where cops are looking to fill the city's 'budget crisis' coffers it's going to tonight and your DUI driving ass.

Utah Dry No More

To explain exactly how bad it's getting out there - Utah, the driest of dry states is about to ratify the 21st Amendment.

Utah Legislators and Gov. Jon Huntsman Jr. announced a deal Monday that would make the most sweeping changes in decades to Utah's liquor laws, including an end to the state's one-of-a-kind private-club law.

Huntsman, who made doing away with the nettlesome club law a priority before the session, said it was a task that "many thought to be quite impossible early on." Why? Because of the LDS "Mormon" church - which about two-thirds of Utahns belong to (and more than 80 percent of legislators belong), which eschews evil nasty alcohol consumption.

The idea, is of course, to generate tax revenue on those blasphemous tourists who bring in about 6 Billion to Utah.

But there's a catch. There's always a catch thirsty Utah Blasphemes readers... The private clubs are going away, replacing them with a scanner to verify the validity of the identification presented by someone under age 35. Data would be stored on-site for a week. There would be no centralized law-enforcement database.[so they claim]

Second, the mixing of alcohol must be concealed from the children. For restaurants that serve alcohol, the bill would do away with the so-called "Zion Curtain," a glass barrier that servers must walk around to distribute drinks to patrons. Under the proposed changes, bartenders would now be able to pass a drink to a patron across the bar.

Also, don't get nutty and even THINK about getting a DUI in Utah. Repeat offenders could forfeit their vehicles; underage drunken drivers could lose their licenses; and bar owners could face more legal liability if drunken patrons are involved in accidents.

No word on how high that tax is going to be. Hope you like the hot drunk chicks added to make this article better.

Pepsi Throwback

Hey gang, PepsiCo is going to manufacture "throwback" Pepsi and Mountain Dew sodas made with real sugar instead of high-fructose corn syrup, beginning in mid-April!

Now, Question - why? Is that because 1) Blasphemes tireless campaign to expose that HFCS contains mercury and also is an un-natural product that can only be created in a centrifuge has finally made an impact on the bottom line? 2) it just happens to be coming out in time for Passover (April 9th) to counter their competitor Kosher Coke or 3) because the price of corn syrup has finally surpassed the price of refined sugar?

According to Trading Markets.com:

"In January 2008, a new market was opened to the U.S. sugar industry.

Tariffs on sugar transferred across the U.S./Mexican border were abolished, making it cheaper to import and export sugar.

It essentially "dropped all limits on how much sugar Mexico could sell in the U.S.," Roney said. "Mexico has no constraint on how much sugar they can produce and sell on the U.S. market.

"It's been a big factor in how low the sugar price has been."

Hey - I'd just like to pretend that I'm making a difference around here. And as excited I am about having a Mexican Coke just the other day, drinking a sugar Pepsi or a Kosher Coke - It pops into my head - it's still just fizzy sugar water. Should it have HFCS or cane sugar... if you drink too much of it, it's still not good for you.

I mean, come on. It's not beer!