St. Patricks Rules

Dear Faithful Readers,

Today is amature hour in the realm of professional alcoholism. Please allow me to lay down some ground rules for you so that you don't come off as a complete tosser if, in fact, you plan on spending your day throwing Guinness down your throat until it comes back up in a city gutter.

1. Don't put all that promotional "Irish" shiat all over yourself.
This isn't Halloween, so leave the ridiculous costumes at home. Showing up at a bar in a plastic green bowler hat, six pounds of green beads and a "F*ckme I'm Irish" shirt - not only does this scream, I'm a tool - it does not make you look more 'authentic'. If you must, add a subtle touch of green to your regular wardrobe and hit the bar. Or go the distance and dress up like Bono.

2. Stop saying "I'm actually Irish"
Just because your great-great-great Grandmother's second cousin was from Donegal does not make you Irish. You are an American. This is not "your holiday." You've never even been to Ireland.

3. Don't Get As Drunk As You Possibly Can
I know this is difficult to grasp, but it's important. While today is about drinking, it's not a free pass to get shiat-your-pants-wasted. No one wants to see you puke 13 green beers all over the sidewalk. And if you're not a professional alcoholic, why pick today to try to go beer-for-beer with your mates who are? Instead, have 1.5 beers/drinks every hour, and a green water chaser. I know it sounds like a pain in the ass to keep track, but by midnight you will be at peak drunkenness and thanking me for it. Don't want to look like a pussy? Have a Shamrock Shake and don't go out.

Another Pro Tip: Paddy's Day is a great opportunity to hook up. Girls might pass a bloke that's puking or just crapped their pants. (Usually. I'm just going on statistical averages here.)

2. Only Drink Irish Booze.
Don't have one Guinness and then go back to drinking Amstel Light all evening. Show some respect! Jameson, Guinness and Harp. And just because you dyed the Bud Light Green does not make it Irish all the sudden.

1. Stop Speaking In The World's Worst Fake Irish Accent
It wasn't funny the first time you said, "Let go of me Lucky Charms!" It also wasn't funny when you yelled, "Erin Go Bra-less!" or "Aye, you weee lass!" 50 times in a row. Your Irish accent sounds more like Corky from Life Goes On than Colin Farrell. So just stop that right now.

One last pro tip... don't drive tonight. If there's ever a night where cops are looking to fill the city's 'budget crisis' coffers it's going to tonight and your DUI driving ass.