Christmas 2018

Weeping Santa Jesus

I just found this:
“Remembering” by Fran Lagana-Brooks. From the “Weeping Santa” collection.

All I can think of when I see Super giant Jesus comforts weeping Santa, damn it - we haven't even had Halloween yet, people! Also, notice Jesus didn't leave any foot prints - walks on water, whether frozen or liquid.

Alternate Christ

If Christ had been executed in an electric chair, and not on a cross.

PopeMobile Implications

I just saw Cars 2 - which really should have been called Larry the Cable Guy As a Tow Truck has James Bond-ish Globetrotting Adventures, but hey, even I realize that's a little too big to fit on the marquee at the Multi-plex. Besides, the target audience for this merchandizing bonanza is having a hard time recognizing the letters, in that order, and that giant number after those letters in the first place.

I went in expecting the 'worst' Pixar movie - and realized what it was, and why it existed, and that was to sell more bed sheets at Target this summer. I mean, it's been a few years since the last one, and there's a whole new batch of four year olds who might not have a Lightning McQueen bookbag for pre-K this year. I can imagine the Disney executives at a board meeting applying pressure on the Pixar team to ramp up Cars 2 in order to beat out the competitor car-people-robot Transformers 3 heart-and-mind smash fest in the playground. I mean, really, there isn't room for two sets of car-cartoons in the prepubescent male pop culture war, is there?

So, other than the graphic violence of boat people, and spy cars - it was still a fun and exciting story that complemented Doc Hollywood Re-told by Anthromorphic Computer Modeled Vehicles For Sale. Er, sorry, the first Cars.

The one thing that stuck out like a sore thumb though, were a couple references to religion. There's a Pope Car and a Pope Mobile. We even see him... and Larry the Tow Truck even asks, "Is the Pope Mobile Catholic?" Funny stuff. Right?

But what does that imply?

It implies that there was a Christ Car.

Now you have to ask, "What would Christ drive?" The only thing I can think of is a donkey. And he really only rode a donkey twice - once as a child fleeing his homeland to avoid Herod's wrath (Depending on which Gospel's timeline you're reading/believing at the moment) and when he entered Jerusalem on Palm Sunday. And since there's no motorcycles in Cars land -- and the first non-animal drawn single passenger vehicle would have been Italian designed and wind driven. The first was Guido da Vigevano in 1335. It was a windmill type drive to gears and thus to wheels. Vaturio designed a similar vehicle which was also never built. Later Leonardo da Vinci designed a clockwork driven tricycle with tiller steering and a differential mechanism between the rear wheels. But that's still 1330's...

So, what was the Christ Car? Do we have to assume that we have to wait until the development of the internal combustion engine to name the Christ Car?

I wonder if there's a Passion of the Christ Car - and he's either impaled on a Spindel in Berwyn Illinois or was thrown into a trash compactor? Do Car Catholics worship a spike or a cube? I'm going with the Spindel since it was located on Route 66 and ties in with the previous film.

So now there's another problem - there's a Car God. Is it the Battlestar Galactica 'God' or is it the robots that built the Cars in the first place, or does it go deeper? Maybe they're all Deists, as it would fit the story better -- but they're not. Maybe there are a few of them that believe that the hairless monkeys are actually running everything? Maybe those are the angels and demons?

Huge honk and nod to Cyroaque Lamar's Sweet Edsel Jesus, the implications that the Pope Car in Cars 2 suggests... as my inspiration to see the film and expand on the humor you originally started with.

Too Harsh?

Be Prepared

Burger King James

The Burger King James Version of the Bible is by far the least literal translation.

[sirmitchell.]

Blasphemer Dies

Pakistani Christian Sentenced for ‘Blasphemy’ Dies in Prison

A Christian serving a life sentence in Karachi Central Jail on accusations that he had sent text messages blaspheming the prophet of Islam died today amid suspicions that he was murdered. Qamar David’s life had been threatened since he and a Muslim, Munawar Ahmad, were accused of sending derogatory text messages about Muhammad in June 2006, said David’s former lawyer, Pervaiz Chaudhry.

Read More...

It saddens me that a fellow Blasphemer has died. In this case, for what he believed in - in my case, what I don't.

Texting is a bad idea, folks. Bad idea.

Ash Wednesday

It's Ash Wednesday everyone! Where we celebrate all things Ash.

Just look at all those asholes.

She hanged the dog from a tree and burned it to death for Chewing on the Bible

Authorities have charged a South Carolina woman with felony animal cruelty, saying she hanged her nephew's pit bull from a tree with an electrical cord and burned its body because the dog chewed on her Bible.

Animal control officers said Monday that 65-year-old Miriam Smith told them she killed a female dog named Diamond because it was a "devil dog" and she worried it could harm neighborhood children. Authorities said bond wasn't immediately set for Smith, who remains jailed in Spartanburg County after her weekend arrest.

Officials said she didn't have an attorney yet.

She faces 180 days to five years in prison if convicted.

Authorities say the remains of the dog were found under a pile of grass with part of an electrical cord around its neck.

Which leads me to believe this really was a Demon Dog!

Atheist Murderer Billboard

Bizarre Christian Billboard Compares Atheism To Murder?

A group calling themselves "Answers in Genesis" recently took out a billboard in Texas depicting a young boy holding a gun.

Here’s how Answers in Genesis describes themselves:

An apologetics (i.e., Christianity-defending) ministry, dedicated to enabling Christians to defend their faith and to proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ effectively…we also desire to train others to develop a biblical worldview, and seek to expose the bankruptcy of evolutionary ideas, and its bedfellow, a “millions of years old” earth (and even older universe).

[..]Personally, I can’t believe they are implying that non-believers, or to whom God “doesn’t matter,” are going to take a gun and shoot someone in the face.

Striking yes; thoughtful, absolutely not.

Although supposedly their beef is with evolution, I don’t see how that point is conveyed with this picture. So, according to them, believing what Darwin had to say means a person is lawless and will go on a killing rampage?

Amazingly I have a problem with this. First, on a long list - is the name of this group of rabble rousers. "Answers in Genesis?" Really? That's your name? There are more questions than answers in this book of the bible... let's start with why chapter two directly and completely contradicts the first chapter!? They're obviously written by a different set of Rabbi's and about 100 years apart. If god created Adam and Eve together, but then in chapter 2 has to take a rib out of Adam to make Eve... hold on I'm confused. And what about Lilith? Fan fiction? And if Cain and Able are the only children of Adam and Eve, and one gets murdered --- WHA? Wait a second! It seems human life didn't mean much to the THIRD human... and he was LIVING during Genesis! He even TALKS to god!

I'm going out on a limb here - but God didn't mean much to Cain.

⁹Then the Lord said to Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?"
"I know not," he replied. "Am I my brother's keeper?"

He even smarts off to the all mighty after committing the first homicide. Pretty ballsy.

So, idiots can put up a billboard and not be called hypocrites? Fine. Luckily, there are some other people on the internet who don't care for insane billboards. Here's one that I hope we can all raise money for and put up right next to the other one.

One Nation, Indivisible - Except Alabama

Robert Bentley, the new Republican governor of Alabama, delivered an oddly exclusionary message on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, the Birmingham News (via Political Wire) reports:

''I was elected as a Republican candidate. But once I became governor ... I became the governor of all the people. I intend to live up to that. I am color blind."

...

''But if you have been adopted in God's family like I have, and like you have if you're a Christian and if you're saved, and the Holy Spirit lives within you just like the Holy Spirit lives within me, then you know what that makes? It makes you and me brothers. And it makes you and me brother and sister."

Bentley added, ''Now I will have to say that, if we don't have the same daddy, we're not brothers and sisters. So anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I'm telling you, you're not my brother and you're not my sister, and I want to be your brother."

His press secretary later told the News, "He is the governor of all the people, Christians, non-Christians alike."

This is hardly the first time a Southern governor has gotten in trouble for making statements that offend non-Christians. At a 1992 Republican governors conference, Mississippi Gov. Kirk Fordice famously said:

"The United States of America is a Christian nation, which does not mean in any way to infer any kind of religious intolerance or any kind of particular dogma that that is being forced on anyone," Fordice said. "It is just a simple fact of life in the United States of America. ... And the less we emphasize the Christian religion, the further we fall into the abyss of poor character and chaos in the United States of America."

At that point, South Carolina's Carroll Campbell stepped up to the lectern and hastily extended that point to include America's Judeo-Christian heritage. The Washington Post reported what happened next:

Campbell then stood back, put his arm on Fordic's shoulder and said quietly: "I just wanted to add the Judeo part." Fordice, appearing to glare at Campbell, said: "If I wanted to do that, I would have done it."

Justin Elliott is a Salon reporter. Reach him by email at jelliott@salon.com and follow him on Twitter @ElliottJustin More: Justin Elliott

True Meaning of Christmas?

[Via]

An Atheist Grand Plan

I had planned on writing a massive manifesto of how I'm planning to allow the children in my life to be completely indoctrinated into the mythology of Santa Claus. Hook. Line. Sinker. The magic of spying on them at all hours -- I even plan on using this in July just to keep them on their toes... and to eliminate some of that low pitched whine in their engines.

I figure that once they turn about 7 or 8, they'll question the physics of a fat man in a red suit stopping time and the aerodynamics of flying reindeer. At the very least, the economics of how he somehow manufactures toys and delivers them for nothing more than a handful of stale cookies. How, exactly, does he compete with the Chinese? They've got to be killing him with labor expenses.

I have decided that when a child asks me if Santa is real - I won't just leap out of my chair and tell them. No, it'll be much more nuanced. I'll make the child make his or her case. I'll even toss out the, "Faith" and "Belief" and "I can't prove it, but I believe it..." arguments. In fact, I should probably look up some classic debates to debunk evolution to prepare. Maybe I'll even bust out a picture of Santa on a dinosaur? Nah, that's just cruel.

After a test of faiths - I'll mention the number of people keeping up the lie. Frank Sinatra, pop stars, even Bruce Springsteen are in on the conspiracy. How many businesses are making fist loads of money in Santa's name? How many versions of Santa are there - what are the variances from culture to culture -- or hell, even the different ABC Family cartoon specials?

With just a tiny bit of skill, the lad asking the tough questions may also make the connection to organized religion.

That's my goal, anyway. Ought to save those kids countless hours sitting in church and thousands of dollars.

Oh Jesus!

Cincinnati Right to Life has posted five billboards showing an ultrasound image of a fetus representing Jesus with the slogan, "He Came As a Baby ... Christmas Starts with Christ."

The fetus in the billboard has a halo.

"This simple illustration emphasizes that Jesus Christ came to the world both human and divine, and in so doing, sanctified the birth process for every person.

Christmas is the message of Christ’s Love for all, no matter our age, race, ability, poverty or wealth, or place or residence," the group said in a news release.

The signs are produced by ChurchAds.net, a coalition of Christian churches, including Church of England, Baptist Union, United Reformed Church, Anglican and Methodist churches. The group and a private donor paid for the Cincinnati billboards.

So, question - who paid for the ultrasound? That's like 3K a pop and since the Carpenter Union hasn't approved the ObamaCare waivers - was it paid for by public money? Would that be a violation of Church and State?

I also didn't know that Roman HealthCare was that sophisticated.

Krampus

Nate Bellegarde adds some seasonal flair to
George Pérez’s classic Crisis cover.

Digital Jesus

The Nativity Story, re-imagined for the digital age.

Please also take the time to discover all our deep historical questioning and research on Christmas with Blasphemes' 25 Days of Christmas.

• Mary & Immaculate Conception
• Joseph the Carpenter
• No Vacancy at the Inn
• King Herod
• Three Wise Men pt I
• Three Wise Men pt II
• Three Wise Men pt III
• A Shepherds Tale
• Colors of Christmas
• Fankincense
• Myrrh
• Misletoe
• Candy Canes
• Holly
• Caroling
• Roman Census
• Yule Log
• Stockings
• Christmas Cards
• The Creche
• Oh Christmas Tree
• Gift Giving
• The Big Day
• Baby Jesus Wrap Up

Three Readings from the Hipster Bible

From http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1811170

Meativity Scene

I'm not sure, but I don't think that's Kosher.

Def Slam

While the "Ground Zero Mosque" site is two blocks away from Ground Zero, rap mogul Russell Simmons' apartment is across the street. This week he put various religious symbols in his windows to support religious freedom.

Now everyone near Ground Zero can see towering symbols of all the world's wonderful religions: Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and, what is that - Hippie? Either way, wouldn't it be nice if this just all went away?