Or Witness the Birth of Christ!

Was That Presence or Presents?

Christmas 2018

Santa 2017

Hipster Nativity 2016

Oh, that's real - and you can purchase here: https://modern-nativity.myshopify.com/products/modern-nativity-set

The War on Christmas

Poor Poor Rudolph. Wrong place, wrong time.
I do wonder why Rudolph was in Aleppo. Reconnaissance?

Auld and Knew

"Indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one--
 the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden
 turnings, without milestones, without signposts."
                                                                     --C.S. Lewis

"[It] is not a milestone ... that I intend to go unnoticed.
 I want to make some noise. I want to make a joyful noise.
 I want to make too much noise. I want the neighbors to complain."
                                                                     --Joss Whedon

commentary by michael j wright

Part One
Before I get to what is almost an obligatory topic of this day, I'd like to express a thought or two regarding Comedy Central's re-re-vamped The Daily Show..., which you already know is now hosted by Trevor Noah, but which form demands I spell out for you: ...with Trevor Noah.

I completely understand his and his producers' need and desire to differentiate Noah from the institution that was Jon Stewart.  Consequently, I was fine with the new set and the new graphics.  I was even okay with the decision to have Noah standing, out from behind the desk, while handing us our tag-riffic (if sometimes obtuse) Moment of Zen.  Such things were no big deal.

When the show returned to the air for this first full week of the new year, however, bigger deals were afoot.  I'd tell you I chose the word afoot with care, but the truth is words like that sometimes just pop into my head.  The reason afoot is particularly fitting here is that the first thing one notices about The Daily Show's most recent cosmetic tinkering is the decision to open "cold," in the parlance of the biz, with Noah standing in/walking from one of the sizeable set's seldom-seen crannies, trying valiantly to fit his South African accent around distinctly American words like "Ar-egon."

I don't yet know whose decision this was.  Perhaps Noah lobbied for it; perhaps the show's producers told him to give it a try.  Likewise, I don't yet know the thinking that went into the decision.  Maybe Noah is more comfortable standing than sitting.  Maybe the obvious fact that Noah's face and physique are more appealing than Stewart's led someone to the, um, epiphany that those assets should be more often showcased.  Whatever the cause, and however awkward it may seem in the short term, the results are nowhere near disagreeable enough for even a curmudgeonly nit-picker like me to raise a proverbial ruckus.

What happens after the cold open, on the other hand, is sacrilege of the first order: they changed the theme music.

Actually, to say they changed the opening theme doesn't do the dastardly deed justice.  It would be far more accurate to say they did away with it.  For years, the straight-outta-central-casting, big-voiced announcer's list of date, location, and title was followed by a stirring snare-drum roll and rousing guitar riff.  It got the blood pumping.  Now, that same litany is followed by a handful of fall-flat notes, probably (judging by the utter lack of soul, depth, warmth, et cetera) generated by a computer.  It is to its predecessor what erectile dysfunction is to arousal: I want to watch the show, but I don't think I can now.  It's depressing.  Instead of being pumped to see The Daily Show's clever take on the events of the past few days, I now involuntarily say, "Nope!" and wonder why I suddenly feel so blue.

{Addendum:  Having seen two additional episodes, I now realize The Daily Show did not "do away" with its theme, but merely substituted a different arrangement or mix.  Maybe yelling "Nope!" isn't the best way to listen for sonic subtleties.  With that acknowledgement, I stand by my characterizations of the new mix's aural impact.}

Daily Show, please take note...
When Disney bought LucasFilm, millions of fans were a little brought-down by the realization that the next installment of Star Wars would not be preceded by the trumpet-laden 20th Century Fox fanfare.  When they went to see The Force Awakens, however, John Williams' familiar opening measures still underscored the sudden STAR WARS logo and opening text on the screen-- and they cheered.  There is a lesson to be learned from that.

Part Two
An acquaintance of mine recently wondered openly if there was an official date when he could stop pretending to give a [negative term of your choosing] how every-damned-body-he-has-ever-known's holidays were.  (I'm paraphrasing.)  I suspect the question was prompted by the phenomenon of every-damned-body he has to passingly interact with asking how his holidays were.  You know the type.  People who can actually convince you they give a [see above] are said to have charisma; people who try very hard and don't quite pull it off are almost always in sales.

Fortunately, there is a firm date when the holidays are over.  It's today.

Centuries ago, the religious clerics who invented Christmas --and by invented I mean they stole it from some sun-worshippers and re-vamped it to differentiate the new host from the old; new set, new theme music, the whole schmeer-- decided the season should be twelve days long.  (Hence the song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas," which appeals mainly to choir directors and autistics.)  The basis for this time frame is the legend that the Magi, or Three Wise Men (who were up-jumped to kings in their theme song), did not arrive to pay homage to the newly born King of Kings for the better part of two weeks.  Because even wise men who are running late can learn something new, the event was called the Epiphany (which basically means realization), and because January 5th is the twelfth day of Christmas, January 6th was dubbed the Day of the Epiphany (or usually just Epiphany).

Of far greater relevance to most of us, with our modern, temporally
expanded, more secular notion of the holidays, is this...

By the church's own calendar, January 6th of every year is the first day of
It Officially Ain't Christmas Anymore, Jack, So Stop Asking.

Part Three
Today, we here at Blasphemes celebrate ten years of impiety.  For reasons loosely tied to the discussion in Part Two, it was on January 6th, 2006 that this here site was officially launched, or founded, or opened, or whatever.  Please honor this milestone, Dear Reader, by engaging in a vice of your own choosing.  At the very least, give a passerby a dirty look and let them wonder why.

-------------
Found on Mars this week... a fragment of star map,
                            and a mile post numbered 1138.

Instant Christmas

The drudgery of decorating for the holiday's got you down? Can't be bothered to dig out the heirloom decorations jammed into the farthest, dirtiest corner of the attic? Maybe you're just too busy?

But you still want to participate and show off your love of the deity to your nosy neighbors? We've got a solution for you!

Inflatable Christmas Decorations! That's right, friends, now for a limited time offer, you can show off your spirit by blowing up this tasteful Inflatable Wreath! As an added bonus, it can be used as a flotation device*!

But wait, there's more! There's an Inflatable Christmas Tree too!

Hang on, still not done! When you blow up the fruitcake, you will have achieved the coveted holiday euphoria (probably due to lack of oxygen).

Now you and your loved ones can sit by the VHS or DVD of the Yule Log and have yourselves a very little instant Christmas too!

Yes, this is real, and you can purchase here: Link

*cannot actually be used as a flotation device.

Weeping Santa Jesus

I just found this:
“Remembering” by Fran Lagana-Brooks. From the “Weeping Santa” collection.

All I can think of when I see Super giant Jesus comforts weeping Santa, damn it - we haven't even had Halloween yet, people! Also, notice Jesus didn't leave any foot prints - walks on water, whether frozen or liquid.

True Meaning of Christmas?

[Via]

Super Christmas Carol

A classic Christmas carol gets a Super upgrade.

Cthulhu Claus

“Cthulhu Santa” by Robin Levy. Your present is that you get to die first.

I want to believe

Threat Neutralized

Thank Jebus they're finally cracking down on the terrible terrible threat of snow globes. We can all sleep safer tonight knowing that a snowglobe will not be used to hijack and crash an airplane over our fair cities.

Threat Neutralized

An Atheist Grand Plan

I had planned on writing a massive manifesto of how I'm planning to allow the children in my life to be completely indoctrinated into the mythology of Santa Claus. Hook. Line. Sinker. The magic of spying on them at all hours -- I even plan on using this in July just to keep them on their toes... and to eliminate some of that low pitched whine in their engines.

I figure that once they turn about 7 or 8, they'll question the physics of a fat man in a red suit stopping time and the aerodynamics of flying reindeer. At the very least, the economics of how he somehow manufactures toys and delivers them for nothing more than a handful of stale cookies. How, exactly, does he compete with the Chinese? They've got to be killing him with labor expenses.

I have decided that when a child asks me if Santa is real - I won't just leap out of my chair and tell them. No, it'll be much more nuanced. I'll make the child make his or her case. I'll even toss out the, "Faith" and "Belief" and "I can't prove it, but I believe it..." arguments. In fact, I should probably look up some classic debates to debunk evolution to prepare. Maybe I'll even bust out a picture of Santa on a dinosaur? Nah, that's just cruel.

After a test of faiths - I'll mention the number of people keeping up the lie. Frank Sinatra, pop stars, even Bruce Springsteen are in on the conspiracy. How many businesses are making fist loads of money in Santa's name? How many versions of Santa are there - what are the variances from culture to culture -- or hell, even the different ABC Family cartoon specials?

With just a tiny bit of skill, the lad asking the tough questions may also make the connection to organized religion.

That's my goal, anyway. Ought to save those kids countless hours sitting in church and thousands of dollars.

Another Holiday

Happy Festivus! Air your grievances.

Frank Costanza: "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."

Cosmo Kramer: "What happened to the doll?"

Frank Costanza: "It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!"

Kramer: "That must have been some kind of doll."

Frank Costanza: "She was."

The Pole

Cosmo Kramer: "And is there a tree?"

Frank Costanza: "No, instead, there's a pole. It requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting."

Frank Costanza: "It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio."

When not being used, the pole is stored in the Costanzas' crawl space.

The Dinner

A celebratory dinner is shown on the evening of Festivus prior to the Feats of Strength and during the Airing of Grievances. The on-air meal was shown to be some sort of meatloaf. The original holiday dinner in the O'Keefe household featured turkey or ham followed by a Pepperidge Farm cake decorated with M&M's, as described in detail in O'Keefe's The Real Festivus. In the Seinfeld episode no alcohol is served at the dinner, but George Costanza's boss, Mr. Kruger, drinks from a hip flask.

Airing of Grievances

The celebration of Festivus begins with the "Airing of Grievances," which takes place immediately after the Festivus dinner has been served. It consists of lashing out at others and the world about how one has been disappointed in the past year.

Frank Costanza: "And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!"

Frank Costanza: "The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you're gonna hear about it. You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks! You couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe...I lost my train of thought."

Feats of Strength

The Feats of Strength is the final tradition observed in the celebration of Festivus, celebrated immediately following (or in the case of "The Strike," during) the Festivus dinner. The head of the household selects one person at the Festivus celebration and challenges that person to a wrestling match.^[7] The person may decline if they have something else to do, such as pull a double shift at work. Tradition states that Festivus is not over until the head of the household is pinned in a wrestling match. The Feats of Strength are mentioned twice in the episode before they actually take place. In both instances, no detail was given as to what had actually happened, but in both instances, George Costanza ran out of the coffee shop in a mad panic, implying he had bad experiences with the Feats of Strength in the past. What the Feats of Strength entailed was revealed at the very end of the episode, when it actually took place. Failing to pin the head of the household results in Festivus continuing until such requirement is met.

Jerry Seinfeld: "And wasn't there a Feats of Strength that always ended up with you crying?"

George Costanza: "I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! Are you happy now?!"

Frank Costanza: "I've brought one of the cassette tapes."

Frank Costanza (on a tape recorder): "Read that poem."

George Costanza (on a tape recorder): "I can't read it, I need my glasses."

Frank Costanza (on a tape recorder): "You don't need glasses! You're just weak, weak!"

Estelle Costanza (on a tape recorder): (shouts) "Leave him alone!"

Frank Costanza (on a tape recorder): "All right, George. It's time for the Festivus Feats of Strength!"

George Costanza: "No! No! Turn it off! No Feats of Strength! I hate Festivus!"

Frank Costanza: "We had some good times."

Festivus miracles

Another growing tradition, although not used by all celebrants of the holiday, is the phenomenon of the Festivus Miracle. Mentioned twice in the original episode, the miracles were declared by Cosmo Kramer during the Festivus celebration in the Costanza household.

Miracle #1;

Sleazy Guy: "Hello again, Miss Benes."

Elaine Benes: "What are you doing here?"

Sleazy Guy: "Damnedest thing. Me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and, uh, we got this bagel place."

Cosmo Kramer: "I told them I was just about to see you. It's a Festivus Miracle!"

Miracle #2;

Gwen: "Jerry!"

Jerry Seinfeld: "Gwen! How did you know I was here?"

Gwen: "Kramer told me!"

Cosmo Kramer: "Another Festivus Miracle!"

Jerry Seinfeld: (gives Kramer a murderous glare)

Oh Jesus!

Cincinnati Right to Life has posted five billboards showing an ultrasound image of a fetus representing Jesus with the slogan, "He Came As a Baby ... Christmas Starts with Christ."

The fetus in the billboard has a halo.

"This simple illustration emphasizes that Jesus Christ came to the world both human and divine, and in so doing, sanctified the birth process for every person.

Christmas is the message of Christ’s Love for all, no matter our age, race, ability, poverty or wealth, or place or residence," the group said in a news release.

The signs are produced by ChurchAds.net, a coalition of Christian churches, including Church of England, Baptist Union, United Reformed Church, Anglican and Methodist churches. The group and a private donor paid for the Cincinnati billboards.

So, question - who paid for the ultrasound? That's like 3K a pop and since the Carpenter Union hasn't approved the ObamaCare waivers - was it paid for by public money? Would that be a violation of Church and State?

I also didn't know that Roman HealthCare was that sophisticated.

Happy Solstice

Santa Goth

We're so goddamned ironic.

Krampus

Nate Bellegarde adds some seasonal flair to
George Pérez’s classic Crisis cover.