Happy Good Friday!

Easter Blasphemes

'Tis the season where Christians celebrate the holiest of the Christian holidays. The betrayal, sham trial, ritual beating and torture followed by a Crucifixion - oh and a Resurrection that was eyewitnessed by 12 of his best friends.

Slate put out an article explaining why Easter has been "hardly" commercialized of the Christian holidays. Have you been to a Target store lately? How about your local grocer? Sorry Slate. I beg to differ with your idea of 'commercialization'.

How did it get this way?

I mean, how did a friggin' rabbit laying eggs become a symbol for the death and Resurrection of the Lord?

First off, you have to look at the marketing plan of early Christians. They found out through rigorous market research that if you have your ceremonies on different days - you're more likely to be singled out and thrown to the lions. In light of these findings, the Christians decided to have their ceremonies on the same days as the locals - and then not to make their's too much noticeably different than their neighbors. It's a lot easier to get new converts when you're not required to change all that much. That strategy doesn't require new customs, calenders or special underwear.

Knowing this little tidbit - the Christian missionaries chose to celebrate Eastre - a centuries old ceremony for the Spring equinox and flowers, growing season, etc. Why didn't they just celebrate when the Jews observed Passover - since, like, that's when Jesus died and all?

Enter Emperor Constantine - the first Christian Emperor of Rome. He created the "Easter Rule" which dictated that "Easter should be celebrated on the First full moon on or after the vernal equinox." This places Easter anywhere between March 22 and April 25. Which is why it's always different. Note also that this is the same council that named the cross as the "Official Trademark of the Christian Religion." Bet you didn't know that one.

But - What About that Bunny?
Well, the hare is traced back to that Eastre spelled thing - which was a goddes. She was worshiped as her earthly form, the hare. The most important part is that the hare is born with it's eyes open, or something. You know let's just say has a lot to do with fertility and the moon, and if you want more - here's a link to read. Then this Pagan rabbit deity immigrated to America - and of course - got all warped and screwed up. Thank the Presbyterians for pushing the Resurrection/bunny thing on a post Civil War America. And as a follow up you can read Wackapedia that contradicts some of the things I've researched in books.

Chocolate Eggs?
That goes back further - since, a whole lot of life on Earth comes from an egg. Let's start there. You've got people putting eggs in trees for New Years all the way around the circle to a death thing - to put in Egyptian tombs and the Greeks putting eggs on graves. At the Jewish Passover Seder, a hard-boiled egg dipped in salt water symbolizes both new life and the Passover sacrifice offered at the Temple in Jerusalem. Then enters Simon of Cyrene - one of the cats who helped carry Christ's cross - was (this really should be no surprise to anyone) an EGG merchant! The Egg lobby has commercialized this Easter thing too far!

The story goes - that when Simon returned to his hen house, all of the eggs had changed into a rainbow of colors. Neat. Probably because they were all rotten because you were gone for a couple months? No matter the facts, the story caught on because of the easy use of an ancient symbol of life and the fun of dying your eggs - both traditions in one! Rich people started putting gold on theirs - which eventually evolved into the Fabergé eggs that were featured in Octopussy.

Eventually, as 2000 years passed, and as traditions are usually warped as they travel over timezones, we now have Cadbury's Creme eggs with white and yellow goo inside which, for some reason, is the body of Christ risen?

Early chocolate eggs were solid soon followed by cheaper hollow eggs. And with the age of abundance - soon all little Christian children had chocolate eggs and chocolate bunnies before heading off to Church for the first time since Christmas.

Hot Cross Buns?
Yeah, who knew that hot cross buns were a big Eater thing? Well, let's chalk that one up to our good Pagan neighbors who were busy celebrating something else for Eastre. Those wacky Saxon's! Twice scored biscuts, or "Buns" from "boun" which meant Sacred Ox. That's right, killin' some steaks for the big spring break.

The pesky Christians basically looked at their buns and saw a trademarked symbol in there, and forced the name change. Simple marketing, again.

Give 'em what they're used to. Just call it New and Improved!
Give 'em a treat.
Just cause it's kind of a cross, doesn't mean you're a Christian (to the other neighbors anyway)

Today there's so much frosting and goo on them, who would even know there's a cross under all that crap?