Unsolicited Advise: Fred and Dick

Have any of you heard of the Fred Phelps guy? He is the reverend that cruises around to funerals with a gaggle of overweight, close-minded, sun-burnt, uneducated white trash from mainly Kansas. They all have signs that read "God Hates Fags" or "AIDS Cures Fags." They chant and walk and mock and do what they can to make the 5 o'clock news. It's their thing.

They believe that homosexuality has God so angry that he is just killing everyone around the world. For example, 9/11 was God letting us know he likes his porn simple - one man, one woman. The Indian Earthquake was God saying only a woman should suck that. When he came to a church near my house (yes, I attended the rally, I had to see these clowns first hand) they had a sign that read, "Thank God for 9/11." That, they felt, accurately conveyed the message that they did not want the Pastor at that church to openly welcome gays to attend mass.

I could write for days on this numb nut. He is insanely insane. I will save you the pain and just direct you to his Wikipedia page. Make sure you read the disbarment section. That is my favorite.

Anyway, the hateful reverend and his church lost a law suit yesterday. They will owe $2.9 million to Albert Snyder. It seems Fred picketed Albert's sons funeral. His son was not gay. His son was a soldier that had died in Iraq. Fred believes that the war in Iraq is a result of, you guessed it, an angry homophobic God. I blame Ant myself.

I bring this up to offer Fred some unsolicited advise. Do not bring signs that say "Thank God for Dead Soldiers" to a military funeral. Even your buddy Bush did the math and figured out it was him and not the fags that started this terrible war. When you picketed Matthew Sheppard Bush kept his mouths shut and went about killing people in Texas. But when you mess with his G.I Joes he goes apeshit. I would also advise that you do not protest a Chicago policeman's funeral. They will just beat your ass silly.

Richard Curtis (R-LA) I have some unsolicited advise for you as well. First, let me tell the story to our reader. Richard, like God, loves porn. Unlike God, he likes gay porn.

Last Tuesday, Dick was "wearing long red women's stockings and black sequined lingerie" and browsing through gay porn at a Spokane area adult book shop. Suddenly, gay oral sex broke out. The newspaper did not get into how the oral sex started only that it was going on. (An aside: I would like to know how a blowjob can land in your lap like that.) They oraler and oralee decided to take this hotness back to a hotel room for "another sexual encounter." It was agreed that Richard would pay this man, Cody Castagna, $200 for unprotected sex.

After the tryst, according to Dick, Cody demanded a grand or he was going to tell Dick's wife. Dick was not going to pay it. This was extortion! He called the cops. The cop filed the report.

Now with the back story filled allow me to offer some unsolicited advise. If you would like to keep your gay lifestyle out of the papers and away from your wife DO NOT file police reports about your gay lover extorting you. Especially when you are a public figure. If you would like to "keep the toothpaste in the tube" then keep your tube in your pants. Oh, and do not tell Phelps about this.

Update: Rep. Curtis has resigned today (Thursday) to "spare his family." he also claims he does not feel as frisky today as he did on Tuesday. Key 'graphs.

Elected to the state House of Representatives in 2004, Curtis has voted against bills that would grant civil rights protections to gays and lesbians, and against a bill that created domestic partnerships for same-sex couples. Both measures are now part of state law.

House Minority Leader Richard DeBolt said that as more details began to emerge, it was clear that Curtis "can no longer effectively represent the constituents who elected him."

A successor will be chosen by county Republican leaders, and will serve until the 2008 election.

Update II: Here is video of the Phelps protest and an interview with the father.