My Fantasy Team

Something has been on my mind, quite a bit lately, and I haven't really shared it too much.

You see, my fantasy team has been doing really well this year. I got stuck with Jay Cutler and, what seemed to be terrible receivers and also a noodle strainer for an offensive line. And, apparently no run game to speak of.

My defense was always good, and luckily very healthy - oh, and I had Devin Hester on my special teams.

The first four times I took the team out in a simulated situation, they got their asses handed to them, and I figured I'd be looking forward to my fantasy hockey league. I was fairly sure my choice of fantasy coach was going to be joining me on the unemployment line before the end of the season.

But, somehow, my fantasy team worked on their offensive line problem. They decided not to continue the issues that plagued them so much the previous year. Special teams were back to 2005 levels. My defense stayed healthy. I was also blessed with some games against third string quarterbacks and some interesting situations that just happened to fall into my favor.

Next thing I knew, it was my team against a team comprised only of Green Bay Packers. Incredible, I know! What were the odds? Unfortunately, my fantasy team thought it'd be a good idea to throw the run game out and only concentrate on an air based offensive. I mean, who did we think we were? Green Bay? It didn't work out - well, at all, it seems. Our loss, despite keeping the starters in, elevated the Green Bay team into the playoffs.

And, again, lucky break for me, another guy lost - which gave me and my team an automatic bye and the second seed in the playoffs. Surly, the Green Bay team had no chance to advance in the post-season fantasy league. Especially since that QB Rogers never got past one game.

Then the Saints lost. Then the Colts. The two defending champions. It was as if the current 'down with the incumbent' attitude in politics was wafting over to my fantasy league? Then, wouldn't you know it, the Packers beat the Atlanta Falcon team. What nonsense is this?

And if that weren't enough, the Jets beat the Patriots?! Wha???

Suddenly, it looked as if my goofy team of all Bears could really get back into the Big Game... and play the Jets? Not the Patriots -- which is what I feared, as the 30th anniversary of that game was coming up -- and it seemed as if NO ONE could have matched up against the Patriots. Especially not the Bears, who did, and got their cleats handed back to them. It was not a match up that I wanted to see. Again.

So this weekend, it's my all Bears fantasy team against the all Packers fantasy team. I figure, as long as the running game is established and not left on the bench, the guys have a chance at getting back into the Big One again. Sunday is coming. My mind and gut are focused on that event.

Yogi, Help!

I wish this was the remake of Yogi Bear... instead the world got Dan Akroid and a CGI nightmare.

I may have watched this already. Yeah, it was called Grizzly Man.

Playoff Discussion

NFL Payoff Discussion

NFC

1. Between Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy and Philadelphia coach Andy Reid, is either coach willing to run in a pressure situation?

Not this year.

If the Packers still had Grant and Lynch, maybe there might be a running game? Since they don't, the Pack have only one weapon - air power. Same with the Eagles.

2. What is the biggest obstacle the Eagles face in getting to the Super Bowl?

Philadelphia’s defense kind of sucks. If you drop that last game against the Cowboys, the Eagles have allowed about 17 points in 12 consecutive games, and have allowed at least 20 points in nine of those games. If the Eagles don’t an early lead - they have problems.

3. Could the Saints could lose in the first round?

Sure! Yes, it's football. Crazy junk happens all the time. That's one of the reasons folks watch it. Ask Tony Romo.When the Saints played Seattle earlier this season, and whooped the Seahawks 34-19. Note: "earlier this season."

4. Should the NFL change it so that the NFC West-qualifying-didn’t have a winning season- Seahawks can't get into the playoffs?

Okay, you can break up the divisions from 8 to 4 - but that sucks.

Or, better, any division winner must have a winning record in order to host a playoff game. That means that a 7-9 or 8-8 team could still make the playoffs, but wouldn’t be rewarded with a home game, thus maintaining some kind of integrity to the regular season.

5. Of the top two seeds (Atlanta and Chicago), which one is more vulnerable?

The Falcons play a lot of close games. They were 6-2 this season in games decided by less than a touchdown - so a lot of games that could easily have switched on a play or two. As for the Bears, they have a better defense, but they have a quarterback Jay-Wait we're not wearing Green Uniforms?-Cutler.

Let's just say this Bears fan is delighted to have his team going to the playoffs, but is not expecting to go deep into said playoffs.

AFC

1. Is Manning back?

From Nov. 7 to Dec. 5, Manning had 13 interceptions – the most for him over any such period – and the Colts went 1-4 to drop to 6-6. They came out of the ditch and Manning has come back to the top of his game. All those endorsement deals were probably threatening to give him the boot.

2. Did Baltimore catch a break when Indianapolis won and forced the Ravens to travel to Kansas City?

Sure, but you could also be realistic and say that Baltimore could have beaten the Colts.

3. Who can knock out New England?

The Patriots own Pittsburgh. Only one team has won a playoff game at New England -- Baltimore, last season. And everyone was injured. But, earlier this year, the Ravens held Brady to a season-low passer rating of 69.3 and intercepted him twice. But you may want to note that's before Brady and Deion Branch worked it out? Baltimore is our only hope.

That's my two half eaten brats worth of insight.

How To Make New Friends in Wisconsin

When they're honking at you, it's how they say 'hi'!

..and yet Greenbay is receiving money from this purchase. That's really sticking it to 'em, SuperFans!~

Marvel Villians To Nuke Soldier Field

First Soldier Field lost its landmark status. Then a space ship landed on it.
I won't even mention how the Chicago Bears continue to defile the 100 yards of grass there.

But now, there's going to be a masacre on the field that has less to do with the lack of a wide out... Marvel comics are going to nuke it.

A comic book miniseries called Siege starts off as a group of villains levels the structure in hopes of framing a few heroes.

Brian Michael Bendis, writer of the four-issue Marvel series, calls Chicago the “most American city” and knew he wanted to center the horrific events there. Soldier Field wasn’t the first Chicago landmark he had his eye on, though.

“My first choice was to blow up Wrigley Field,” he says. “[Marvel Comics Editor in Chief] Joe Quesada is so in love with baseball, he couldn’t imagine blowing it up.” (I can, but, I guess the team is doing a good enough job on it's own.)

After years of superhero infighting and even a civil war that pitted Captain America and Spider-Man against Iron Man and others, Bendis says Siege is set to lay the groundwork of a reunion of sorts.

“I’m not the biggest sports guy (NO!) and I meant no disrespect to sports fans, but we needed something so horrendous to happen for them to be united again,” he says. “Hopefully, this will ring in a new day for Marvel readers.”

The explosion actually happens during a Bears game with a handful of players on the field; the fate of the coaching staff is unknown.

“I heard from numerous Chicago fans who told me they were glad I put the team out of its misery,” he says.

Bendis is currently consulting on the big-budget superhero team film “Avengers,” due in either 2012 or 2013. While he was tight-lipped on future Siege storylines, he did say that some of Marvel’s most recognizable heroes will make a Windy City appearance during the four-issue run.

“We’ve blown up a stadium,” he said. “Respect will be paid.”

Apparently, he also doesn't know that it's a war memorial - so much so that a statue of Walter Payton cannot be allowed to be placed on it or near it. Waiting for someone to bitch about that, oh wait, I just did!

Chicago Jay

Done and done. Bears got Farv'd. The purple Jebus eliminated the Bears from the playoffs after the first quarter yesterday.

Go Hawks.

Go Colts.

Dud Bears

As most regular Blasphemes readers know, I've been cursed with the idea that I'm a Bears Fan. This year was supposed to be different. This year, we had a QB. Never mind, all along, I knew we had no one to throw to, an offensive line that looked like an old and worn out sieve. And an aging Defense that was one key injury away from being completely ineffectual.

I hate being right.

Even if the expectations hadn't been put on top of the Sears Tower, and even if Urlacker hand't been hurted... and maybe if they hadn't played on Sunday night three times... (jebus) it was an impossible task to be put on anyone's shoulders. Just ask Kyle Orton - oooh, that stings.

Now there's a scramble to find the scapegoat for the 2009 season. Ron Turner, everyone's looking at you right now. And Mike Martz shoot down he's going to the Bears rumor , so that means it's probably happening, right?

Bears have the Vikings this weekend. And if you're still watching or following this 'rebuilding year,' you probably won't be after this game.

Go Hawks!

Welcome to Chicago - the Next Detroit

First the Cubs fall apart in April. Then Jay Cutler and the Bears fail to show up to their expectations, then Chicago loses the Olympics, and now all of its trade shows.

As for the last on that list, it's too easy and lazy to accuse union price gouging at exhibit halls as the only reason... ah that's been goin' on for decades. However, those shows heading for the exits has become a stampede.

The International Plastics Showcase, which has been exhibiting in Chicago since the 1970s, and the Healthcare Information and Management Systems Society waved a giant single finger McCormick Place. And now the National Restaurant Show, a Chicago convention fixture for more than 50 years, is thinking about 86'ing the town as well.

When the food people come to town, they eat out - they spend a lot, and tip a lot. Bye bye.

From the Chicago Tribune:

Derrek Hull, a spokesman for the restaurant show, said, "I'm not aware of any discussion about moving the show as of right now."

"However, what I can tell you," said Hull, "is that we've been through this before ... and the association and all our exhibitors continue to be very vocal. They continue to be concerned about the costs of doing business in Chicago and at McCormick Place."

The association seriously contemplated a move in 2006, but chose to stay after the city wrested labor work-rule changes from unions that work at McCormick Place.

That was chump change. Meanwhile, a task force designed to turn things around for struggling Chicago's convention industry met today. The group is made of staff from several politicians, trade show leaders, hospitality executives, and unions. I love task forces and blue ribbon panels. They're the nice tablecloth that politicians drape over the broken, bloodstained wobbly tables.

Chicago is a loser. It's not just her sports - although Chicago sports are the gangrene of the a dying limb.

Chicago is expensive. Not having a show in Chicago might save you 20 million dollars... which is a number I heard floated around. 20 Million in savings by having a show in Orlando. And in Orlando, you can take the kids to DisneyWorld! But that's not all. How about the nickle-n-dimes that add up in every purchase? How about that damned 10.25% sales tax on all those nice folks coming to the windy city?

10.25% - still. And even after the Mighty Quinn changed the rules for the Cook County veto over the President "Toddler" Todd Stroger... they still can't roll it back, and that's less than 70 days before the Cook County Board Election - as if we won't notice.

Look, even if the Cook County rolled back the tax - it's too late. The damage is done and the collateral damage is everyone who depends on tourists coming into this stupid town to pay our bills, debts, truck scandals, lawsuits against the police, and overpriced parking meters.

Welcome to Chicago - the Next Detroit! Be sure to pull all the copper out of the walls before you leave.

UPDATE: And the toilet keeps flushing - Oprah might be leaving Chicago as well. I know for sure that she's ending her talk show.

The media mogul Oprah Winfrey will end her daytime talk show, "The Oprah Winfrey Show," in 2011 as she prepares to start a cable channel of her own. Read More on Oprah. Okay, I'm only guessing that she'll leave -- but I can't

Monday Morning Quarterback

Bears came back and defeated a team they were supposed to wipe off the bottom of their foot. I felt really good about the win, until I realized that Seattle was missing half their regular starters.

Washington bailed out Detroit, again.

Favre out Favred Favre - thanks to a little help from his friends

Colts and Cardinals on Sunday Night. Looks like Kurt is back to his old crappy self again.

Steelers are looking a little rusty.

Saints and Jets are 3-0. Wha?

And the long drawn out failure that is the 2009 Cubs season is finally over, while the Yankee's $201.4 million gamble has (finally) netted them an AL East Division title.

Urlacher

Uh, remember that 'unknown injuries' crack I made yesterday?

Sorry Bears Fans.

Brian Urlacher of Chicago Bears out for season with wrist injury - NFL - SI.com

Sunday Night Football

The fever pitch and expectation for a successful Chicago Bears season is the highest its been since Ditka paced the sidelines of the Monsters of the Midway.

When Jay Cutler takes the Bears' snap on Sunday night at Green Bay, he will be the 56th quarterback to do so since Hall of Famer Sid Luckman retired in 1950. Of those QBs, 47 of them were starters. 56. Jebus Christmas. That's a lot of QB's. The fever around Neckbeard's replacement is so nuts - you would have thought that the Bears had Tom Brady on the team tonight (or something better). The expectations are a 'little' high.

The Bears were the dominant NFL team in the 1940s, however since 1950, they've won just two championships. Two.

Injury-prone Jim McMahon, who led the Bears to their only Super Bowl championship, was the only star of the bunch, but to be a nitpicker George Blanda was voted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame based on his years as a placekicker for the Oakland Raiders. Back to the Bears, since 1985, no team has come close to beating the dead horse of one Super Bowl win like the Bears have. It's kind of like the 72's Dolphins... and I'm sick to high heaven about that pile of old turds too.

Look, I like the Bears on paper - but like the Cubs - they look great on paper. I would like to think that this talented team can get a wild card spot this year, even with a couple unknown injuries. But it's a rebuilding year - and it's going to be an interesting NFC Central this year, it might even be competitive. Let's just make sure we put on a couple extra burnt offerings on the BBQ and see what happens.

PS - bring back the Honeybears!

Illinois Recap

We finally found out what happened when Former Chicago Ald. Edward "Fast Eddy" Vrdolyak was sentenced. He got resurrected today to only 5 years of probation for his role in a $1.5 million kickback scheme. It was a far cry from the 3 ½ years in prison sought by federal prosecutors...

Meanwhile Sen. Roland Burris's son showed up to help the man in the wheelchair. It was revealed that he's a tax deadbeat who got a $75,000 job from ex-Governor Rod Blagojevich a few months ago...

And while facing a $50M budget gap & having taxed its residents to death, the city of Chicago decides to tax anyone renting a car in any of northeastern Illinois' 6 counties. They've developed a scheme to tax without even having to go there...

Chicago banned foie gras, then smoking, and now metal baseball bats. They're going to paint the Sears Tower silver in order for it to be seen better.

And Rex Grossman has been set free from the Chicago Bears. So there is some good news there.

(let me know if you want links to all that or not)

Bears and Couches

So I watched, fell asleep, then woke up in time to watch the Chicago Bears FAIL in spectacular fashion.

Like Wanstach before him, Louvie and the boys in the booth are showing spectacular fail just within inches and more importantly SECONDS before victory.

The Bears didn't fall asleep - as Louvie has repeated again and again to the Chicago Sports Media - Louvie is terrible at clock management. End of discussion.

This one event has pissed me off all day yesterday, and into today.
Maybe it's because we're shopping for couches too. Yeah, that probably has something to do with it.

My wife found a great one yesterday. Part of the John Elway collection...
Old No. 7 used to have a cannon for a right arm, but can he inspire me to buy a cushy recliner? The Elway Home Collection is the kind of couch where you just melt into the damn thing. I have learned that these couches are in the ESPN Zone, in each restaurant's screening room.

The funny part is - she fell in love with it. I was a little hesitant. It's leather - which is awesome, looks and smells like a football, but the price tag is -- hell, I think I could buy a couple houses with that down payment!

Also, and this is the part that hurts so much, the ottoman - foot rest part - is not part of the ginormous price tag. Those are sold separately. That pisses me off. Same with those pillows in the picture. Plus, this thing is so freaking huge, I do not think it will fit through my door. Really, it's super huge and bends at the center. Not likely that's getting in any of my doorways.

So, now I have more couch shopping to do. Which does not thrill me at all.

Hester Holdout? Hands-out Handsomely!

The deal that Devin Hester showed up Friday to work out was finally hammered out Sunday, with the Bears agreeing to a four-year contract extension with the wide receiver/return man that could be worth as much as $40 million.

The contract, which locks up Hester with the Bears through 2013, includes $15 million in guarantees—the type of reward he was looking for after holding for two days in protest of a scheduled $445,000 salary. Incentives bump him another 10 million if he turns out to become a receiver in the last year of the contract.

Wonder if that hamstring issue clears up Monday morning?

Bears Update

Chicago Bears are going to have QB's Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton compete for starting job through the preseason. Let the battle of mediocrity begin.

Grossman=high risk/potential high reward
Orton=3 yard slant

Before the lovefest for Orton begins, lest me remind you in 18 games he's got 12 TD, 15 INTs, a completion percentage of 52%, with 32 sacks and 15 fumbles.

And they're both drunks... so at least they're even there.

And yes, I am aware that the Cub$ have the best record in baseball. Thank you for asking. I am also aware of the 4 months left in the season - the Rockies are the 9 men who weren't there (check their DL) - and that the Redbirds and Astros are nipping at the Cub$'s heels - unexpectedly.

Sports Bits

• Bane of my Dusty Baker's Cub tenure was a feisty little shortstop named Neifi Perez. He could always get you that solo shot when your team was down ten or that crucial strikeout with the bases loaded to end a game. Well, it seems like you don't get stats like his (career .276) through hard work. You earn them the Balco way. Yep, Neifi was suspended for 25 games for testing positive to a "stimulant." I foresee a team that may need a Jaque Jones.
  
  
• Tank Johnson's blood alcohol level was .072, under the legal limit of .08. The Bears had released him after his arrest because they did not release him when he was involved with shootings, drugs, and babies. See, the Bears wanted this thing called money. The best way for an NFL team to get this money thing is to go to and win the Superbowl. They needed him for that. But then they were angry because they lost the Superbowl and did not want to pay him because their stud lineman is coming back and is looking good. So they pulled the old "Duke LaCrosser" and fire his dumb ass for being sober.
  
  
• President Bush was at the Cubs-Nationals game last night. When ask he about the Commisioner he was said, "He's going a heckuva job, that Sealy!"
  

Around the web in 60 clicks

I know you are all very, very busy so let me recap some news events for you to save you all the trouble of formulating your own opinions.

• Lovie Smith the first black coach to lose a Superbowl. Undercovered story after the overcovered first to make it to the Superbowl.
  
  
• G-Dub mocks Democrats for taking Easter vacation days before going to Crawford. Our fearless leader has taken 405 days of vacation before this one. Lying can really take it out of a man.
  
  
• More Fox Poll fun. I am telling you, if you are not watching Fox you are missing the greatest comedy since early Carlin. By the way, they claimed Britney won.
  
  
  

• Jenna Jameson's newest movie on hold due to botched vaginoplasty. And to think that I thought a whole lifetime might pass me by without typing the words "botched vaginoplasty."
  

  "She underwent a vaginoplasty at a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, and she is very unhappy," said the source, who added, in perhaps an unfortunate choice of words, "she has decided to hole up and not speak to anybody. The producers are about to pull the plug on the movie," which would be a mainstream production.

• There is something in my Bush! Republican compares Bush's job approval ratings to gonorrhea. He couldn't get applause so he went with the clap.
  
  
• The Windy City Flyer breaks a record. Devin Hester, known around these parts as the Windy City Flyer will be the first player to receive a 100 rating for speed in a Madden football game. This makes him Madden-faster than Deion Sanders or Randy Moss ever were. So next it will be easy to virtually win the Superbowl.
  
  
• 'Weird Al' is still funny. I can't believe this guy is more up on popular music than I am.

The View Below

I had a friend who once told me a very amusing story. Whether or not it is true is irrelevant.

My friend was an outstanding writer. Specifically, a poet. he submitted some pieces to the New Yorker as some sort of amateur contest. He was one of the four finalists that gets published. He wound up an honorable mention. I thought it was awesome. He was heartbroken. He decided to go on a little bit of a binge to "get it out of his system."

During his binge he met a very flirtatious and attractive woman. So attractive, in fact, that he actually danced for the better part of the two or so hours that they were on the dance floor. The rest of the time they spent kissing and rubbing against each other in non-dancing way. They retired to the bar for some drinks and barstool "snuggling". Leaving the bar hand in hand he was pretty sure that he would get the sadness of the poetry loss out of his system and possibly even some new inspiration.

The next morning he left her apartment very concerned. During the course of the evening he had developed some red markings on his shmengy. He went to friend who worked at a pharmacy and therefore was a medical expert to take a gander at his friend and let him know if he thought there should be concern. The pharmacist friend told him he did not have to look at his genitals to tell him that any strange markings were always a sign of concern. At least to him. But sometimes people get things in their heads and are unwilling to let them go. Later that night there was a pantaloon-drop and peek.

The pharmacist, who was already uncomfortable with the whole shebang, took a good hard look. At least that's the phrasing that makes us laugh hardest at the bar when we recount this story. Then he asked a question that is normally reserved for strangers in dark alleys after the Pride Parade.

"Uh, could you rub it for a sec."
"What?"
"With some, oh God, uh, something wet."
"Like what?"
"Um, spit or a sponge or something."

The order was followed and the answer to the ailment was found.

I'll get back to this story in a minute. Before the "punch line" I would like to discuss the non-resigning of Ron Rivera as the defensive coordinator fro the Bears. I won't say that it was a mistake because that will be determined by play on the field in the next year or so. I will say that it was unnecessary. A little like making your way to the top of the Sears tower and then spending money to look back down to where you were with giant, immobile binoculars. Or a doctor leaving th room while you get naked.

There are one of two things that this could relate to. The first, as in all sports discussions, is money. By not resigning Rivera there is more money for Lovie. That's alright I suppose but it begs the question of who then becomes the cheapest owner in the Windy City, McCaskey or Wirtz? This man put together one of the best defenses in the league and despite there inability to change a gameplan at halftime they have been top ten for three straight years now with Rivera as their coordinator.

The second option is that the Bears (or Lovie who has built some considerable clout) are sick and tired of hearing about the '85 Bears. Rivera was known for having former '85 Bears players "bless" the team before each season. He would often invite them to give the defense a pep-talk before games and during practices. Enough so that it seemed to loose some of it's specialness. During the weeks leading up to the Superbowl, we heard more about the '85 Bears in this town than the '06 Bears. That may have been too much for the organization.

Either way, he is now in San Diego as a linebacker coach after interviewing for four head coaching jobs. Our new coordinator is Bob Babich, longtime friend to Lovie Smith and the world has continued to turn. Time will tell if this was a good move but I believe that this was just a move. Sometimes, like my binocular analogy above, you just need to know. But sometimes you are missing a spectacular view by not looking around with your own eyes. On the other hand, maybe the doctor doesn't inadvertently laugh at the patient's Scooby-Doo boxer shorts at the wrong time.

The ailment, by the way, was lipstick. Curable with a shower and some scrubbing.