Baseball in Jeopardy

MLB Commissioner Rob (I'm not Bud Selig) Manfred warned Baseball Player's Association union leader Tony Clark that if the league and players don't do a better job of following Covid-19 rules, Manfred could shut down the shortened season.

As of Friday, the league and the MLB Players Association had announced that 29 players and team staff have tested positive for Covid-19 over the week.

If baseball falls, I guess I won't have to worry about my NFL draft as much.

United Counties of Baseball

Happy Opening Day

Oh what the hell...?

Pirates manager John Russell plans to begin the season with his pitcher hitting eighth, a move that will shift Andrew McCutchen from leadoff to second in the batting order.

When the Pirates start the season April 5 against Los Angeles, Russell plans to hit shortstop Ronny Cedeno ninth, followed by second baseman and lead-off hitter Akinori Iwamura and McCutchen.

McCutchen will occasionally lead off, the spot where he batted .286 after being recalled from the minors in June. Iwamura has experience as a leadoff hitter, batting .275 with a .350 on-base percentage for AL champion Tampa Bay in 2008.

The Pirates had a 13-20 record in 2008 and a 2-4 mark last season when Russell batted his pitcher eighth.

And is it any wonder why the Pirates have been in the gutter for almost 20 years straight?
Second thought, maybe it's time to just call the Pirates AAA and let some other farm team get a shot to play in a nice stadium?

No surprises around here

Still the greatest.

Waaa - Told you so!

Manny

Damn it, Manny. Why do you continue to prove me right?

He's a dirty cheat and a liar.

Steroid suspension likely to cost him Hall of Fame as well as $8 million

But you know who I'm really crying for? The Dodgers. They were 54-54 before trading for Ramirez at the July 31 deadline. They have gone 55-36 since then, including a first-round sweep of the Cubs in the playoffs. In case you didn't remember that, Chicago readers.

Ramirez won't be back until July 3. It won't be enough time for the San Francisco Giants and the Arizona Diamondbacks to make a run up the National League West standings. Unless the Dodgers really feel bad and start really sucking until the All Star Break. Even if the Giants or someone else is capable of making a run at the Dodger's spot, having Ramirez in the second half of the season should be enough to allow the Dodgers to win the weak West again.

The lasting damage here will be to Ramirez's reputation, not the 2009 Dodgers.

You know, I can't even think that Manny even has a rep to tarnish at this point?
What'r your thoughts?

Baseball Predictions

In the grand tradition of Baseball season beginning, I reach out to our readers and contributors to give us predictions on how it will all turn out. Now we haven't heard from Killre or OneF on the subject, our loyal reader J from Chi has chimed in with his opinion.

The following is a direct transcript from his email to me:

"Cap'n, better late than never, right?

NL East-Maybe the best division in baseball this year...wouldn’t surprise me if the top 3 teams win 85 games or more.
New York-A strong lineup and they shored up the back of their bullpen. New stadium should give them some mojo.
Philly-I almost put Atlanta here…the Phillie lineup gives them the edge to snatch the Wild Card
Atlanta-This team is on back on track to their perennial playoff trip
Florida-Good young talent here, but their defense is weak
Washington-Should score more runs, but pitching is still lacking

NL Central-Should be competitive all year long
1. Chicago-Bradley’s health is the key and something tells me they will eventually snap up Peavy mid-season
2. St. Louis-As long as that drunk LaRussa is around, they will be solid
3. Cincinnati-Could contend for the Wild Card….don’t laugh
4. Milwaukee-Pitching is atrocious after Yovani Gallardo and Trevor Hoffman is 82 years old
5. Houston-Whiny babies. Should get wise and trade Oswalt while he still has value.
6. Pittsburgh-Different year, same crap. I’m looking forward to checking out PNC Park at the end of June.

NL West-Top heavy division
1. Los Angeles-Full year of Manny will help the whole lineup even if his numbers drop
2. Arizona-Most boring 2nd place team in the league
3. San Francisco-Should be better, but still light on power
4. Colorado-Clint Hurdle could be the 1st manager fired
5. San Diego-Trade Peavy! They need to start over.

AL East-As good as the NL East
1. Boston-They might have the best rotation in baseball and have Smoltz due back mid-season and Bucholz in AAA
2. New York-I wish them only the worst…
3. Tampa Bay-Too bad they play in this division
4. Baltimore-Pitching is maybe the worst in the league, but the lineup will score enough to keep them afloat
5. Toronto-Nothing to see here. When will they wise up and trade Roy Halladay, they could get a king’s ransom in return

AL Central-These teams will beat up on each other, just like the Ligue family
1. Cleveland-Offense back in a big way
2. Chicago-Sox fans will need lots of meth and Jager after falling short to the Tribe
3. Minnesota-Pitching will keep them in most games
4. Kansas City-Could finish as high as 2nd…don’t laugh. Lots of improvement in the offseason
5. Detroit-Trade any and all valuable pieces and start over.

AL West-Who cares
1. LA Angels-Pitching will get healthy in a month or so
2. Texas-Will crush the ball all year long, could contend if they get any pitching
3. Oakland-Holliday could be traded if they are out of it by July
4. Seattle-Evenflow…thoughts arrive like butterfliiiieees. Pearl Jam reference

Boston will beat Cleveland and NY will beat LA. Boston beats NY to advance to the World Series
LA will beat the Mets and the Cubs will beat the Phillies. Cubbies will beat the Dodgers and make their first WS trip since 1945
And the winner is…….Boston. I hope I’m wrong.

Cubs Questions

Why is it that Milton Bradley playing 120+ games in Right field is assumed and not questioned?

Only the most blindly optimistic Cubs fans with no concept of reality would expect that. Of course, I would guess about a third to half of the bleachers won't even know they have a new right fielder and will wonder what happened to that Japanese guy. Who am I kidding. What happened to that Sosa cat?

I know it's nearly impossible to guess how long Bradley will last out there. I have to think the Cubs will give him some days off when they play on old turf, but when he gets hurt, the key is whether it's for 3 weeks or 3 months, and there's just no way to know. If he can play 80 games or more AND be ready in late September and October, the Cubs will probably be happy. His production in those 80, 90 games will probably be better than what the Phils get out of Raul Ibanez even if he plays 162.

And another thing, don't tell me that Rich Harden is the key to the Cubs making the playoffs. Yes, he's a great pitcher. When he shows up. There's Harden plus relying on Dempster actually being as good as he was last year is an awful combination. Remember that Dempster from the previous 5 or 6 years? Yes, a decent reliever, but a fairly awful starter. Plus Zambrano has been breaking down - his K/9 has fallen each of the last two years and he still walks a ton of guys- and if he falls much further he's going to run into real trouble. Is anyone going to debate that their bullpen is better than last year?

Fortunately for the Cubs they can still have a whole lot go wrong and probably still win the division... unless a whole ton of things also go right for someone else. Brewers, maybe?

Predictions for 2009

J from Chi's Baseball (Fred too)

October is here. Time for the leaves to change colors and feast on Halloween candy. And it just happens to be the best sports month of the year. The NFL is in full swing...time to separate the contenders from the pretenders. And some teams just flat out suck balls, I'm looking at you Detroit. The college teams are starting to meet their conference foes and this is the time of year for some wild matchups and grind-it-out games in the Big Ten(for those of us in the Midwest). Maybe this is the year we actually have 2 unbeaten teams facing off in the BCS title game, or should I say BS game.

Oh I almost forgot...the MLB playoffs start today. Who will be this year's Kirk Gibson...or Bob Gibson for that matter? Who will be this year's Bill Buckner or Steve Bartman(I just threw up a bit in my mouth)? Time for J and Fred Schneider to sort it all out for you. But first, let me recap my predictions from March and pat myself on the back. I aced the NL, correctly picking all 4 playoff teams. The Dodgers were a ballsy pick by me, I win. And the Brewers almost let me down. Now for the AL...the Angels were an easy pick, so don't give me too much credit on that one, even a Sox fan could have predicted that one. As for the Sox...congrats. Most experts including myself, picked them to finish 3^rd or 4^th. And how about those Yellow Eyed Demons(Supernatural reference for ya). I mean the Rays, no longer Devils. No one saw that coming. So to recap, I got 4 of 6 division winners correct and 6 of 8 playoff teams correct. Not too shabby.

Phillies-Brewers: I'll take the Phillies in 4. The Brewers have been carried by Sabathia since mid-July and I think they are running out of gas. Welcome to the party...now leave. I could see them forcing a Game 5, but there's no way the Phillies blow this one.

Fred's take: It comes down to the silly mascots. Bernie Brewer has a fabulous moustache, is he a "bear". The Phillie Phanatic is just too weird. On a scale of 1 to 5, I give this series 4 assless chaps.

Cubs-Dodgers: Cubs in 4. My dad, a die-hard Dodgers fan, has vowed not to talk to me until the series is over. I have blue blood running in my veins, part Cubbie blue/part Dodger blue. Growing up it was all Dodgers, all the time. The White Sox were non-existent downstate and it was 70/30 Cubs/Cardinals. But my loyalties lie with the Cubs since moving to Chicago 12 years ago. The Cubs have been the most consistent team in the NL all year and I see no reason why they lose this series.

Fred's take: Boystown all the way. I give this series 4 assless chaps.

Rays-White Sox: Rays in 5. The Sox almost choked it away after losing Crede and Quentin. They are capable of winning this, but I like the Rays spunkiness(is that even a word?). They won a great division and any team visiting Tropicana Field is in for a treat...or maybe a trick.

Fred's take: Evan Longoria is so hot right now! I give this 3 assless chaps.

Angels-Red Sox: Angels in 5. This one was the toughest to figure out. Clash of the Titans. Francisco Rodriguez's antics after each save are annoying.

Fred's take: What's up with that Boston accent? I don't appreciate anyone pawking their caw in my yawd. 5 assless chaps.

Cubs-Phillies: Cubs in 7. Home field advantage will come in handy for this series. This one could be the Empire Strike Back of all the series, good from the opening until the very end. Plus I will be at Game 1 with my brother.

Fred's take: I want to boogie with John Cusack in the streets of Chicago! 5 assless chaps

Angels-Rays: Angels in 7. I wanted to pick the Rays, but I think the Angels pitching staff gets the edge in this one.

Fred's take: 4 assless chaps. Joe Maddon, I will comfort you.

Cubs-Angels: Well, well, well. Look who's in the World Series. I'm not going to bore you and rehash 100 years, goats, curse, Bartman...blah blah blah. 2 eerily similar teams. The Angels have the home field, but I think the Cubs will find a way to finally bring home the trophy. I'm guessing someone like Derrek Lee steps up, he's due. I'll be at Game 3 with my wife.

Fred's take: Bring your jukebox money to Boystown, the first round is on me. 5 assless chaps.

October Baseball

I'm still waiting to hear from J from Chi's take on who made it, who he predicted, and whatnot-
but I'd like to offer my take on Round One of October Baseball... oh, and Fred Snyder too. If we can find him.

National League

Based on the numbers, Cubs ought to take Dodger's lunch money. .602 PCT to Dodger's limp .519. Again the West is allowed to play due to ancient baseball treaty obligations. Consider that there were seven teams that out performed the Dodgers in the National League. Philly, NY Mets, Florida, Chicago, Milwaukee, Houston and St. Louis all had better numbers than the Dodgers. However, in the playoffs, things can get silly. The intangible for the Cubs point to Manny. He's either going to shut up, and help - or piss 'em off, just like so many other teams he's been on before. The guy is to team unity akin to pissing in the Gatoraid. Cubbies in five.

Milwaukee fought and limped into the Wild Card spot. I'll give them one win. They lose to Philly in a four game series.

Now on to that "other" League.

Last night the White Sox and Twins were forced to see who would win the AL Central. Somehow the White Sox scraped out a run between them, and now Chicago gets another team into the playoffs. First time that's happened in 102 years.
I am not expecting an 'El Series' based on the numbers and the pitching. Bats only get you into the playoffs. Pitching wins them. Tampon - er, Tampa will take the Sox in 4. Tampa ended .599 Sox .546. I know regular season numbers aren't a great indicator of win in the playoffs. However, I based my prediction of a 1-2-3 'yer out for the Bubs last year. It didn't disappoint me to be spot on. I remember OneF yelling at me for falling off the bandwagon when everyone else was climbing aboard. He had to apologize.

Red Sox and Angels are the better match-up in the ALDS. Ever since I read Moneyball I've been a fan of the Angels organization. This one will be a gem to watch, and harder to predict. It'll go for five for sure. I'm going to say Angels. Why? Again, just based on final numbers. Angels .617 to Boston's .586.

Disagree? Fine. Yell and scream at me in the comments bar- but you have to show your work. I did.

Once we see how these chips fall, I'll play again in round two.

Jinx, SI Owes the Cubs a Coke

The Cubs are on the cover of the latest Sports Illustrated.

Well, that's that then, ain't it?

There’s been a lot said about the SI Cover Jinx - it’s the kiss of death - athletes and teams who appear on it will inevitably fail. You might believe in it, you might not. Yeah, it's a lot like the Madden cover. But there’s definitely one team whose fortunes seem to crash after showing up on the cover...

Oh, you already guessed.

Since 1966, the Cubs have been featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated nearly twenty times. And if the Cubs have something at stake when they show up on the cover … bad things seem to happen.

Especially if that appearance happens late in the season or during the playoffs.

(Here's the whole backstory with pictures and fun)

Cubs Clinch something...

Link (pops new window)

Great Cubs tribute song by Eddie Vedder.

Don't get too excited, buckos. Yes, I drank the Cubbies Blue Kool-Aid this year...
Need three games of Win to take home field in the playoffs -- which will be absolutely critical since the Cubs will be playing spectacular teams that have actually WON games in the playoffs.

It's nice to show up, but you also have to win those, gang.

Jr to White Sox

Ken Griffey Jr. has accepted a trade to Chicago.

A source has told chicagowhitesox.com that the Reds will receive right-handed pitcher Nick Masset and second baseman Danny Richar.

Griffey expected to break his wrist while signing his new contract.

Cubby Kool Aid

Okay.

I think I'm ready.

Make sure it's got extra sugar.

And not the High Fructose Corn Syrup - I'm trying to cut that out.

Nope, not blue enough.

Okay. (Deep Breath)

I think I'm ready to drink the Kool Aid.

Why now? 14 wins at home. They out-played, out-smarted- hell they beat the snot out of the first place Sox. Pitching. Batting. Pitching. Fielding. Pitching. All capped off by Dempster's incredible outing... and ESPN coverage that made it look like some kind of - dare I say - playoff game.

"If you want to be the best, you've got to beat the best," Ozzy Guillen.

They have definitely made the case that they are the best, and unlike last year, the numbers aren't lying. And before you say that the Sox didn't have their "full strength team" on the field - neither did the Cubs... that's what's made me re-think my position of doubt and despair as a Cubs fan. (which is exactly the trap that everyone else falls into every stinkin' year!)

Pitching. The Pitching.... and without Z.

"Coming off the field, it's really special," Dempster said. "When you dream of coming to Wrigley Field and being a Cub, that's the kind of feeling you dream about.

"It's amazing, and we just want to keep it going."

Let me see that cup.

Cardinals

Seeing Albert Pujols on the ground in pain dampened the St. Louis Cardinals' spirits after their third straight win. The Cardinals watched their leading hitter be helped off the field with what was diagnosed as a strained left calf in the seventh inning of their 7-2 victory Tuesday night over the Cincinnati Reds.

Cub$ are Hot

"To predict a Cubs championship under any circumstance is like investing in the future of Amy Winehouse, who sings very well but could wander into a gutter in her underwear at any moment."

Link to the guy who said it

The picture is not of Mrs. Winehouse.

I do, however, question the caption on the photo.

The common scene around Sluggers was that of homeless men taking dumps and rat BBQs... so excuse my disbelief in the caption.

John McCarnac

"In this envelope..."

John McCain gave a speech today that made him sound optimistic - and psychic - and then just batshiat insane in Ohio today.

Highlights of the speech, which was told in past tense - as if from a stump speech 4 years in the future...

• Iraq and Afghanistan violence will be stable.
  
  
• Osama Bin Ladin - caught and captured.
  
  
• Government spending curbed by his veto (that one is funny since the Democrats will have won both houses of Congress and would overide his veto)
  
  
• He will institute a British-like question-and-answer sessions with lawmakers like in the House of Commons.
  
  
• He'll have weekly press conferences too.
  
  
• A "League of Democracies" has supplanted a failed United Nations to apply sanctions to the Sudanese government and halt genocide in Darfur. (which won't work since China is a big player in the Darfur situation and why so many people continue to die there)
  
  
• The United States has had "several years of robust growth," appropriations bills free of lawmakers' pet projects known as "earmarks," public education improved by charter schools, health care improved by expansion of the private market and an energy crisis stemmed through the start of construction on 20 new nuclear reactors.
  
  
• Democrats are asked to serve in his administration, he holds weekly news conferences and, like the British prime minister, answers questions publicly from lawmakers.
  
  
• And there won't be any more rancor or bipartisanship (which is the funniest one of all)

"I'm not interested in partisanship that serves no other purpose than to gain a temporary advantage over our opponents. This mindless, paralyzing rancor must come to an end. We belong to different parties, not different countries," McCain says in remarks prepared for delivery in the capital city of Ohio, a general election battleground. "There is a time to campaign, and a time to govern. If I'm elected president, the era of the permanent campaign will end; the era of problem solving will begin."

No word on Mr. Fusion, Hoverboards, or who will win the next couple World Series or American Idols - which, frankly, is disappointing.

Talkin' Baseball

Spring has sprung and it’s time for baseball season to begin. No word from Killre or OneF on their picks, so in the mean time we've asked J from Chi's his picks. As a special treat, and, in an effort to sell more albums - Fred Schneider of the B-52s has asked us to post his unique take on the upcoming season. Oh, and they picked some stuff in that other league too for some reason.

J from Chi ________Fred Schneider________________Cap'n

NL East
1. Philadelphia-They have the lumber and a decent pitching staff.
Fred’s Take: Talk about Philadelphia Freedom! I’ve got a bun for those Philly cheese steaks.
2. NY Mets-Yes they added Johan Santana, but he only pitches every 5 days. I see lots of injury-prone and/or old cats on this team. Delgado, Pee Hands Alou, Beltran. Pedro is one year older, same goes for Billy Wagner.
Fred’s Take: Ugh..New York City…last time I was there I woke up in assless chaps and my wallet was missing.
3. Atlanta-Not sure bringing back Tom Glavine will do the trick and Smoltz is already hurting.
Fred’s Take: I have to root for the team from my home state…silly!
4. Washington-New park, better results? I’m thinking they take a step forward if they get any help from the pitching staff.
Fred’s Take: Is that foot tapping I hear in our nation’s capital? Is that you Larry Craig??
5. Florida-Craptastic!
Fred’s Take: Miami…the weather is hot and the shirtless boys are hotter! Grrrrr!
Cap'n: Mets, Atlanta, Phillies, Washington, Florida.

NL Central
1. Chicago Cubs-Great pitching depth in case Wood gets hurt or Marquis struggles. Need to get off to a fast start
Fred’s Take: I heard they’re cursed by a big old smelly goat! I’ll lead the parade through Boystown if they finally win the Big One!
2. Milwaukee-Solid lineup and defense should improve moving Braun to left. Pitching is a concern.
Fred’ Take: I heard they have a sausage race…I’m rooting for the Spicy Italian!!
3. Cincinnati-Pinto: Why Cincinnati?.....Bluto(burp) Why not?
Fred’s Take: Adam Dunn’s hung like a donkey?!?...oh wait..his nickname is The Donkey
4. St. Louis-Pujols’ elbow could fall off any minute now or he could tough it out again. Either way the rest of the lineup is weak as is their pitching until Carpenter comes back.
Fred’s Take: I’m drowning in a sea of mullets and white trash…..Be Nice!
5. Houston-Not sure what to make of this team yet..could finish 5th or could finish 2nd. Will score runs in bunches, but do they have pitching issues. 2nd through 5th place is a mystery, I should have pulled names out of a hat.
Fred’s Take: Kaz Matsui has a roid problem, but it doesn’t involve a syringe. Yikes!!
6. Pittsburgh-All aboard the turd train!...nothing to see here.
Fred’s Take: Pirates!! Ahoy sailor!
Cap'n: Cubs, Milwaukee, St. Louis, Reds, Houston, Pitts.

NL West
1. LA Dodgers-I’ll drink that Dodger blue kool-aid. Solid pitching and a good mix of veterans and youngsters.
Fred’s Take: Is there room on that bandwagon Alyssa Milano….I’ll bring my jukebox money!!!
2. Arizona-Should be solid once again. Webb and Haren great 1-2 punch.
Fred’s Take: I’ve got a snake….in my pantsssss!!!
3. Colorado-Hard to believe they made it to the World Series last year, but sometimes the best teams don’t always make it.
Fred’s Take: Does John Elway still play for them?
4. San Diego-Are they going to score any runs with this offense? Mark Prior already scheduled his next surgery.
Fred’s Take: Sea World is a hoot!
5. San Francisco-Terrible….F
Fred’s Take: Hellllllooooo Frissssco!
Capn: Dodgers, Colorado, AZ, San Diego, San Fran

AL East
1. Boston-What’s not to like? Oh yeah…their fans.
Fred’s Take: Kevin Youkilis is the Greek God of Walks….What else are the Greeks famous for?
2. NY Yankees-13 straight years of playoffs end this year. Oh, so sad.
Fred’s Take: See NY Mets comments silly!
3. Toronto-Don’t know much aboot them and don’t really care. Rolen hurt again, what a shocker.
Fred’s Take: Canadians wear too many layers
4. Tampa-Wanted badly to put them in 3rd, but couldn’t do it. IF they would ever sign Barry Bonds, they could finish at .500
Fred’s Take: Never been there
5. Baltimore-They will suck as long as Peter Angelos keeps meddling with his team
Fred’s Take: Crab cakes….fabulous!!
Cap'n: BosSox, Toronto, Yanks, Tampa, Baltimore.

AL Central
1. Detroit-They’ll score more than Bret Michaels on his birthday. Bullpen help will arrive later in the season with the return of Rodney and Zumaya
Fred’s Take: 8 Mile scared the bejebus out of me!
2. Cleveland-Almost knocked off the Red Sox last year, should get another shot.
Fred’s Take: Any team with Wesley Snipes and Charlie Sheen is fine by me.
3. Chicago White Sox-Pitching?? Bueller???
Fred’s Take: Jager, meth and mullets….Oh my!!!
4. Minnesota-Rebuilding while new park is being built. Still not a bad team.
Fred’s Take: I once dated a set of twins. Hottt!
5. Kansas City-Lots of young talent, still a few pieces missing from sniffing the playoffs.
Fred’s Take: Alex Gordon is so hot right now!
Cap'n - Detroit, Cleveland, MN, BlackSox, KS

AL West
1. Anaheim(Not in LA) Angels-Scary lineup, but pitching scares me. Should find a way to win again
Fred’s Take: Did I mention we have a new album out, first one in 10 years.
2. Seattle-Pitching should be solid, not enough hitting to go around.
Fred’s Take: How many silly teams are there in this league?
3. Texas-Could surprise…like that Josh Hamilton story.
Fred’s Take: Beers, steers and queers…my kinda party!
4. Oakland- Rebuilding on the cheap, they will be back sooner than later
Fred’s Take: Those boys in Oakland are a bit rough! Play nice!!
Cap'n: Really, who cares? Fine, I'll just agree with J.

NL Playoff Teams
J's Picks:
1. Chicago
2. LA
3. Philly
4. Milwaukee
Chicago beats Philly and LA beats Milwaukee
Chicago advances to the World Series for the first time since 1945

Still J's Picks:
AL Playoff Teams
1. Detroit
2. Boston
3. Anaheim
4. Cleveland
Detroit beats Anaheim and Cleveland beats Boston
Detroit plays Chicago in the World Series.
Detroit takes home the World Series title. Cubs Woo Lose Woo!

Cap'n - Sure, I almost agree with all that, J.
It sounds well thought out.
Except that I don't think the Cubs will really advance that far.
I want to say, Dodgers in the Series?
Detroit still wins.

Upcoming in 08

Predictions of Things

Things to Look Forward to in 2008
or
Things that will probably SUCK in 2008.
PART ONE

Better go with Things that will probably Suck in 2008. It might be quite a list. Hence, why I've been thinking about this story so long. First, I was going to send out a lengthy look at all the stories in 07 - the good, the bad, and the Larry Craig. And I realized that Time Magazine has an entire issue devoted to top 10 lists. Guess they're taking advantage of Letterman's hiatus due to the Writer's strike? So I decided to do something different. To look forward, into the future - those things that I'm excited to be talking about, writing about and doing in the new year. Those things to which I look forward to. Which was - well, not a whole hell of a lot.

Instead, I thought about the stuff I'm supposed to be excited about - and it occurred to me that more than half of it will actually just suck. For instance:

1) The Election 2008

Part 1a) The Primaries - Unless there's a Howard Dean styled meltdown - how can primaries '08 galvanize the voting public? Sure, there's superdupermother primary on Tuesday, but if it isn't decided who the front runners will be by then, I'll be very surprised. Let's put it another way, if it's a surprise, I'll actually be surprised. Until that happens, Inevitability vs Inevitability will be the two boring ass choices brought up to the teleprompter to b.s. us out of our votes.

Part 1b) The Convention - before I was born, the Conventions ceased to matter. Why either party decides to pretend to decide their candidate and drop 8 million balloons on various delegates from around the 50 states still astounds me. Hell, even when the Conventions did matter, why the hell were the delegates forced to train in to whatever city happened to draw the short straw? It was all decided by ten men in a smoke filled room anyways, right? The Conventions will be nothing more than a ballroom full of idiots in stupid hats and bad hairdoos. Actually, the Republicans will have the edge on that picture - but not by a whole lot. And the media will be there 'reporting' as if any of this garbage will actually mean anything to anyone.

Part 1 c) The General Election. What a pain in my ass. It's already been pretty boring. I've been picking at a rotting carcass already in '07 - and the prospect of Rudy and Hillary re-hashing the NY Senate race on a national/world stage... well, I've been predicting was going to happen, when they were doing it in NY. When these two are the top of the garbage heap, try to act surprised that it happened that way. It's still going to smell like men's room at an airport.

Maybe we'll get lucky, maybe there will be a Huckabee/Obama race. There's some excitement for you. Two polarizing figures that will splinter the country right in half, again. But at least it'll be two new faces doing the polarising!

Tickets:
Republican Ticket ’08: Giuliani/ Gingrich
Second thought: Giuliani/Huckabee

Democratic Ticket ’08: Clinton/Wesley Clark
Second thought: Clinton/Bill Richardson

Part 1 d) The Undecided Voter - I am sick and tired of THIS guy. Give me a break. Get off the toilet and pick the color. Pepsi or Coke. There is no RC. There is no Sprite - well, there is, but you're just wasting your vote. If the Undecided Voter has no opinion, or is on the fence - do me a favor - don't answer the phone when the pollsters call. Okay? Can you do that?
This is the turkey who hasn't figured out how that Caller ID works, and probably has a VCR that still blinks 12:00 too. I know. A VCR!?!
Consider how much money, energy, newspaper and sweat is wasted on the Undecided Voter? This person is courted by both sides with on the fence by flowery rhetoric and bullsh*t from both sides to convince them that, if elected, they'll the right schmuck for the job, and the right schmuck for you. Give me a break - they're Undecided... There's no ideology, no thought, and more likely than not, they haven't decided if they're going bother to vote or not too. If this non-judgemental, non-committal person doesn't feel passionately enough that one side is evil, and the other is wrong - but I have to vote to make sure the Supreme Court is stacked in my ideological favor - what the hell is wrong with that person!?! Okay, maybe stacking the Supreme Court isn't good enough for most persons of reason.

Let me funnel it here - you'd think with all the issues out there - that are either right and wrong -- you'd be able to PICK ONE and vote on it? Abortion, taxes, Ira_ War, Terrorism, school lunches, burning the flag, oil dependence from hostile nations, NAFTA, Health Care, China, Social Security fixes, sugar embargo with Cuba, and most importantly - how that last name is going to sound every day when you turn on the news for the next four years "... the _blank__ Administration officials said that the cover up was executive privilege and not against the law as Congress said it was. Investigations are ongoing...."

Clinton losses to any Republican. Obama beats any Republican.
That's the election.

Things that will probably SUCK in 2008.
PART TWO
or
Blasphemes' 2008 Movie Preview!

You know, I'd really like some things to be excited about in the next year. So now I turn to the movies. There could be some real gems out there that I don't know about. But like the election, I know that my expectations will be high, and unrealistic and therefore unattainable. Which means, everything could very well suck.
My list of movies in '08 that I'm excited about, and will be ruined (some how) by suck.
IRON MAN - Morton Downey Jr.?- oh, sorry, that's Robert Downey Jr. - well, Tony Stark is the man he was born to play. I could also see him as Charlie Chaplin for some reason... Iron Man could be great. It's got John Favreau (Swingers, Elf) directing. The suit looks bad ass. The trailer was fantastic. ...but, all Marvel Entertainment film versions, with the exception of Spiderman 2, pretty much - well - they all suck. Daredevil, Fantastic 4, Punisher, Hulk. Yeah, they look pretty - but they're all kind of sucky too. Lets hope this one beats the trend, just for entertainment's sake. Oh, and Iron Man really doesn't have cool villains, but he is quite the boozer.

BATMAN - THE DARK KNIGHT - Here's the six minute trailer from someone's phone. It's a trailer that has been released like a type of "virus" (it was leaked on purpose, gang.) I really want this to be great. It looks great. The re-launch was great. I hope that no one was able to hand Chris Nolan notes to sell more action figures... and after watching the trailer, it doesn't look like the Joker Gang will be selling too well anyway. Heath Ledger as Joker, Brokeback jokes, all that aside... I just pray that it doesn't suck, or turn to suck.

Cloverfield - A monster attacks NY. Filmed in a YouTube - survivor's videos of the thing kind of deal. Produced by J.J. Abrams of Lost... and Felicity, and Mission Impossible 3... that's a mixed bag. J.J. is great at hyping a thing, not 100% with delivering a thing. If anything, the concept is interesting. There are rumors and speculation that the monster is a H.P. Lovecraft Call of Cthulhu inspired deal. Or not. So that could mean high concept art that needs explainin', or no explainin' just special effects? Or just shaky web cam crap on a giant big screen. Could suck real bad. I'll wait to see Ebert & Roper before I call Fandango on this one.

Semi-Pro - Another Will Ferrell sports thing. Basketball and sideburns this time. Same script as his other 3 sports movies.

Speed Racer - The Team Wachowski Brother and Sister make a CGI Speed Racer film with Emiel Hirsch (Into The Wild) as Speed, Christina Ricci (Black Snake Moan) as Trixie, and John Goodman (Big Liebowski) as Pops. I've had this feeling about a movie before - it's exactly like the time I found out that Tim Burton was remaking Planet of the Apes. Immediate feelings were: Why?! How come!? Does he really need the money? Why!? and Why?! Total suck factor expected to be in the 9's.

Get Smart - Steve Carell puts on Don Adam's shoe. It won't fit. I don't know why, it just won't. Okay, I do know why. Mel Brooks is handing out his old work for paychecks, and Buck Henry hasn't written anything funny since Catch 22. That is, if you count Catch 22 as 'funny'?

Hellboy II - Did you see Hellboy I? Kind of Meh, right? Are you going to see Hellboy II? Meh. Yeah, I like Ron Pearlman too. Still. Kind of Meh.

There's an Indiana Jones movie, another Harry Potter, James Bond 22, and probably a bunch of Merchant Ivory things that will be sold as 'important'. But those are franchise pictures that will be, or should be, identical to the others that were before them - Predictable. That's why they pay those guys so much, and why we keep going.

Be looking for part Three - TV - and Part IV - Olympics when I get around to it.

Things that will probably SUCK in 2008.
PART THREE
or
Blasphemes' 2008 TV Preview!

Why am I such a cynical *sshole? Because I'm constantly disappointed by things around me. And I'm a member of Gen X, which means I'm so jaded and cynical that my entire generation is just a vague description. So my Television expectations for the next year are hardly going to live up to what I have built them up to be in my head. I'm hardly watching TV now, and I have 18 billion channels, and they're in HD too. I even have the NFL Network - which apparently no one else has. To start this list off right, it should be mentioned that the WGA Strike is going on for a lot longer than anyone (except me) predicted. So anything that follows is my 'best guess' for shows I want to watch in the new year - which might actually air in 2009. With that caveat in place let's set sail for fail.

1) Lost - this show continues to hold my attention since I'm able to predict what's going to happen - but only for that ONE episode, and only when I'm actually watching it. It's just that good. And the season cliffhanger really threw me for a loop. Creatively, I can't wait to see what or how they're going to get out of that painted-corner writer thing they're doing. So OF COURSE it's going to be another year before ABC airs it. Of course it's going to take another year for them to get through the second 8 episodes, and then possibly longer for that because of the aforementioned strike. Which, here lies the suck. Waiting forever for your show to be on, and that taking so long, you forgot all the little details that makes the show good in the first place. And you really need to know ALL those hidden little mentions, visual cues, and bullsh*t to make the show good and watchable. I have often found myself trying to explain the show to someone who hasn't seen it, and I feel like a total jackass for watching the show. The other person tilts their head much like the way a dog looks at you when you do something stupid. Eh, the chicks are usually really hot and sweaty.

2) Battlestar Galactica - Yeah, geek show #2. I can't convince you this has been the best show on TV (other than Sunday Night Football in America) for the last couple years. But it is. So there. But they're probably going to eff this up and put it in the realm of suck. Last season kind of sucked, but not super suck OMG why am I watching this. It was more of a, hey you guys are really entertaining, but you were doing a better job of it last year. When/if this final season airs, there's a chance that they'll end the show in a real 'surprise' and have them meet up with the original 1979 Battlestar hovering over Galactica Earth 1980 -- which would be funny, but a real kick in the balls for watching all those hours of TV.

3) Heroes - There were only a couple episodes this 'season' and they were pretty bad. It was obvious they were either rushing to beat the strike - or their best writers already left the show to try making some other, even dorkier TV show that will be doomed to fail. This would be the Simpsons effect that I might have mentioned earlier in the year. So will this show continue to entice my one hour of down time at the end of the day? Hard to say, but it was better than last year's 24 - and that's why I was watching it in the first place.

4) 24 - This year Jack has to save Washington DC - and Genneane Geraphalo is in it, for some reason. I guess they need to hit that liberal audience this year? Well, 24 last year was so bad I stopped watching. Can it get worse. Oh, by a lot, I reckon.

5) Futurama - I refuse to buy the DVD that just came out. It was canceled for a reason folks. It wasn't really any good. Math jokes aren't funny to anyone. Even statisticians didn't watch the show. Bender never lived up to the Homer expectation, and Fry, well - Fry is... not... that... funny. So when they re-run the DVD into segments on Comedy Central - I might TiVo it, but I'm expecting suck and fail. If you have seen the DVD and would care to tell me why it's not full of suck and fail - please see the comments button.

6) The Olympics - Ugggh.... do not want. This is going to be part IV. Stay tuned.

7) Terminator Variety Hour - How is this going to be good? There was a Planet of the Apes and a Logan's Run TV show... they weren't good. Pretty much EVERY TV show adapted from a movie has sucked. Okay, get off the chair Killre - M*A*S*H is the only exception I can think of.
Is the Terminator show going to be of M*A*S*H quality? I think it'll be a lot like Babylon 5. Probably good - but I'll never know cause I never saw it.

Things to Look Forward to in 2008
or
Things that will probably SUCK in 2008.
PART FOUR

1) Olympics - I know I'm really supposed to be jazzed about the Olympics - but it always sucks and no one counter programs against it. It's usually just hour after hour of the personal struggle story of how athlete 'a' got to China to compete - and then they fail. Hour after hour.
When the hell are the actual events? I can't say I've ever seen a live event in the 18 hour Bob Costas snooze fest. But, I've never actually cared that much anyway. But I know that Bob talks and likes to talk - so NBC's got 18 hours covered with Bob. There's a sliver of time in there for a swimming and boxing event, maybe? I don't know. I don't care. Sure it's in China. That's a big deal. Not for me.

2) Baseball - Is there any possible way that the Mitchell Report won't be discussed? Not really. Or, or - it'll be pushed under the rug and life will go on. Perhaps the sale of the Cubs will change the dynamic of the NL. Maybe the Dodgers will remember how much fun the late 70's were and try to take on that other league? Who knows? Will it suck? Am I excited about it? No, not really. Maybe I should pick the Kansas City Royals and the DC Nationals to be in the Show - and then I can be excited?

Also, Dusty Baker will decimate the Reds in one season. That's not a prediction, folks. Sorry Cinci.

3) Technology Stuff

• Sony’s Blu-ray will consign HD-DVD to a footnote by triumphing in the battle of the next-generation high-definition disc formats. Expect a Blu-ray player for Microsoft’s Xbox 360 in time for Christmas 2008.
  
  
• Apple will introduce a new version of the iPhone, with 16GB and a 3G HSDPA antenna. Apple will ink deals to sell the iPhone in more countries in Europe and will also introduce the phone in China.
  
  
• Nintendo continues to be cute - and sells more accessories (ala Apple iPod) than actual Wii's. The lack of Wii's will hurt them on Wall Street, but be cooler than plentiful PS3's for the remainder of the year.

4) Celebs - Idiots with cash and little talent will do more stupid things to keep TMZ and Geraldo Rivera in business. Death watch on Lindsy Lohan and Amy Winehouse continues throughout '08.

5) Beer - The price of Hops has increased so much in 2007 that your favorite craft beer will be much more expensive in 2008. THAT SUCKS!

Got Juice? So What?

The Mitchell Report aims to exonerate baseball's past and move on. The idea, I gather, is that since you can't asterisk and retro-punish everyone, everyone gets a pass and the issue is now over.

It seems that many of the names on this list are little-known to the general population of casual baseball fans. Which in turn, means that juice doesn't automatically make you the best and therefore have a competitive advantage over anyone else on the field.

The stuff doesn't turn you superhuman, kids.

The biggest surprise, was for the exceptions. Sure Wood, Sosa and Prior were not mentioned in the report. Sosa was mentioned only in passing, with no allegations accompanying his name. Of the 12 former Cubs named, only Glenallen Hill is alleged to have used performance-enhancing drugs during a season in which he was a member of the club, and it could have been after he left the team. Yankee fans are furious at Clemens, Pettitte and other Yankees for using steroids. Just kidding... they're pissed at Mitchell for not naming enough Red Sox.

But the biggest disappointment, for me anyhow, was -and is - Todd Hundley. Todd Hundley. Ah, how I hated him and his unbuttoned jersey that one summer. 2002? Probably? That guy couldn't hit or field - period. I'm not going to sugar coat it. He was obviously expected to do more because of his father, and never ever came through - not when I was in attendance. So either a) the juice don't work or b) he couldn't even do THAT right!

Life goes on in baseball. Bud 'Now you REALLY gotta go' Selig will have some more press conferences and pretend to care. There will be 10 million more dollars of taxpayer money spent, and someone will sue. Maybe the whole Player's Union?

Who knows? But Bonds is no longer the sole bad guy out there, and the whole thing will be a giant shrug up in the air. It's close to being over now. Nothing is going to happen. There won't be any suspensions or subpoenas. Sure, a couple people will lose their endorsement contracts - but who's that, really?

It all goes back to the Simpsons with Mark McGwire - "

"Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to
see me sock a few dingers?" 

Everybody knows the answer to that question.