This is the Cap'n...

... those are some of the WORST thunderstorms I've EVER seen down there..."

Hmm... what? I was sleeping. Thunderstorms. Bumpy. Okay. Worst you've seen? Not exactly the reassurance I expect from a seasoned air bus pilot. I ponder the statement a second. I've seen a lot of thunderstorms. I've seen a lot of thunderstorms in planes. I'm not even a professional. Hell, I hardly fly. I've been in some really nasty thunderstorms while flying. A couple where I really wondered if I should have bought that life insurance. This is the worst our pilot has ever seen? Is this guy right out of flight school?

"That sucker's about 100 miles long and is producing all kinds of funnel clouds..."

Yet we're still going to fly right over 'em? I'm sure that's a good idea. Another non-reassurance. I start to wake up. Can't we, I don't know, go around or above them? We're in a modern air sealed airliner, right? We're 30,000 feet in the air. Can't we, I don't know, go around this? And on top of that, why didn't the pilot plot a new course? It's not like he got up in the air and just "discovered" this air mass, right? Hell, my cell phone has Doppler radar and this genius didn't know about it? He just discovered it in the air?

"...you're sure to hear about that on the news today..."

and here you go with that. Today, tomorrow semantics... well, I'll give this one to him. They do kind of bend time on those red eyes...

"...there's going to be all kinds of... (SQUELCH)"

Hmmm, maybe there's a co-pilot wrestling with our pilot, trying to grab the little white microphone and telling him to shut the Eff up? I peel open my encrusted eyelid to spy the family, the elderly couple, the hell -pretty much everyone else's faces as they each have deduced the same revelations that the pilot is a public relations nightmare. Half are fixated at the pilot's inability to think before speaking. The others, I figure, have deduced that this little nugget has experienced fewer storms than I have while flying? Jebus. It's hard to make out who's got both figured out - probably the guy pulling at the panel that releases the air masks. No. He's trying to tear off the movie screens showing "27 Dresses" off of the ceiling. Or was it "More Money"? It's paused, I can't quite make it out.

"There's going to be quite a lot of lightning... so we're in for some pretty bad turbulence for a while."

Nice work jackass. Not only have you woken me up from my pills and very expensive airport bar tab - but you've now officially scared the living shiznit out of everyone on the plane. As a bonus, now I'm awake to enjoy the turbulence too... for the rest of the flight. For three hours.

Well, I guess I'm just going to have to sit here. The left side of my brain takes a mental over-under on the bag of lard that has farted from the second she sat down to scream three times. The right takes the under.

I start to think of other ways our young pup pilot COULD have brought a little turbulence to our attention...

How about the calm demeanor of a Bill Curtis? The words would have danced out of his nuanced cadence. The speaker calmly but deliberately releases its words so as to not wake up all of the passengers. He's a professional and knows that it is a red eye that he so brilliantly pilots this evening. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you care to look our your window, you'll see there's quite a light show going on down below us. It might give us a couple of bumps - but nothing to worry about. Sit back, relax, and we'll be at your destination right on time. I'm Bill Curtis."

Or, perhaps the best thing to do would be to simply turn on the fasten seat belt sign and shut the eff up?

I felt bad for the people who might be dying below, while I was flying over them.

Thanks for waking me up to tell me that, dick.