Fire And Fury Hits Bookstands

Michael Wolff calls Trump the, 'least credible person who has ever walked on earth' in his new book, ‘Fire and Fury.’ 

His new book that gives a behind-the-scenes account Trump's White House, said he spoke with The Donald on-record. 

Wolff, added on NBC's "Today," said that everyone he spoke to for the book, "Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House," described the president the same way. 

"I will tell you the one description that everyone gave, everyone has in common: They all say he is like a child, and what they mean by that is, he has a need for immediate gratification. It is all about him." 

Wolff added that "100 percent of the people around" Trump, "senior advisers, family members, every single one of them, questions his intelligence and fitness for office."

Don't know why they didn't stick with the original title.

This isn't going to end well

Speaking before parliament, UK PM David Cameron said he has ordered an inquiry into the possibility of banning users from social networks such as Twitter and Facebook if it is determined that they are planning to engage in criminal behavior.

“Free flow of information can be used for good. But it can also be used for ill,” Cameron said. “And when people are using social media for violence we need to stop them. So we are working with the police, the intelligence services and industry to look at whether it would be right to stop people communicating via these websites and services when we know they are plotting violence, disorder and criminality.”

Cameron added that he asked the police “if they need any other new powers.” No word if the Chief Constable fell out of his chair or immediately started scribbling some ideas. My guess would be that "firearms" would be pretty high on that list.
Home Secretary Theresa May will hold meetings with representatives from Facebbok, Twitter, and RIM to discuss their role in preventing future riots. “All of them should think about their responsibility and about taking down those images,” Cameron said in reference to Facebook and Twitter posts he believes could incite further unrest.

[The Guardian]

Well, you sodding pikers, I hope you're happy with that bottle you nicked out of the off-licence - you just took down the democracy, haven't you? Not even the bloody Nazis were able to pull that off. You did it in just three nights.

Death Metal Monday

Oh, and in case you didn't know where this came from - it's the most popular Worst Song in history.

A song by a 13-year-old American teenager has gone viral on the internet after being widely described as the worst one ever recorded.

Rebecca Black's pop song called Friday has been viewed on YouTube more than 29 million times.

It has trended on Twitter and been the subject of huge online comment and discussion.

That's mainly because it's been derided by millions of people for what they say are its awful lyrics.

Ones like "yesterday was Thursday Thursday, today it is Friday Friday", "gotta get down to the bus stop, gotta get my bus, i see my friends" and "we we we so excited, we so excited".

People have been quick to criticize the song for more than just its words.

The teenager's heavily auto tuned singing and video have also been labeled as terrible.

Don't piss off the Scientologists

Academy award-winning, screenwriter-director Paul Haggis says he has received all sorts of feedback since referring to Scientology as a “cult” in a recent New Yorker expose.

“I’ve been getting a lot of very supportive emails and I’ve been getting some really troubling ones,” he told THR Tuesday at Vanity Fair’s Campaign Hollywood 2011 event celebrating Artists for Peace and Justice presented by Brioni in West Hollywood. "Some break my heart and some are just really angry."

In the article, Haggis, who spent three decades with the Church, revealed for the first time why he quit the religion in 2009. Among the reasons: The Church refused to publicly denounce the anti-gay measure Proposition 8 (Haggis' daughter is gay). He also said he read reported allegations of physical violence among church senior executives and other Scientologists.

By speaking out, Haggis told THR he knew he would elicit reactions: "I went in with my eyes open.”

But leaving the Church “was a personal choice,” he added. “I don’t suggest that anyone else make that choice that I did. Mine was personal.”-Reporting by Lindsay Flans

Also, Paul Thomas Anderson's thinly veiled movie about the controversial Church's founder, L. Ron Hubbard? Conspiracy theories are swirling in Los Angeles following the revelation that Anderson's 1950s-based film The Master, starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, has been postponed indefinitely.

Anderson's film is not officially about Hubbard and the Church of Scientology. But the similarities could hardly be more striking and the Hollywood trade papers and websites describe it variously as a satire and a parable. Read More

Notes on the Budget

Here are some reviews of Mr. Obama's Budget... (ouch)

“He whiffed…” USA Today

“Gutless…Far worse than merely bad.” IBD

“Obama's budget shies away from tough choices… In a crucial way, it lacks honesty.” San Francisco Chronicle

“[Obama]Turned away on leading the nation back from an impending fiscal nightmare.” Dallas Morning News

“What Mr. Obama’s budget is most definitely not is a blueprint for dealing with the real long-term problems that feed the budget deficit…” New York Times

"The larger problem with the budget is the administration's refusal to confront the hard choices that Mr. Obama is so fond of saying must be faced." The Washington Post

“The American people also want a President to lead, and this budget is so transparently cynical it may help Republicans make their case that if they don't lead, no one will.” Wall Street Journal

Increases Taxes By $1.6 Trillion, More Spending, Debt:

“Obama budget resurrects rejected tax increases.” Associated Press

“[Obama] raises taxes by $1.6 trillion over the coming decade…” Associated Press

"The administration says it will reach $15.476 trillion by Sept. 30, the end of the fiscal year, to reach 102.6 percent of Gross Domestic Product (GDP) -- the first time since World War II that dubious figure has been reached." The Washington Times

“disappointed the Obama administration has decided to double down on the status quo… continues to act as if government spending is the way to prosperity.” Denver Post

Leading Democrats Say Budget Falls Far Short – “Focusing On the Politics of the Problem and Not the Problem:”

“[The budget goes] nowhere near where they will have to go to resolve our fiscal nightmare.” – Erskine Bowles, Former Clinton White House Chief of Staff and President Obama’s Fiscal Commission Co-Chair

“[Obama] is focusing on the politics of the problem and not the problem…If you address only the politics of the problem, the problem doesn't go away. There's a real world out there. There is a bond market out there. And there are people who vote, including a lot of people in the middle of the political spectrum, who care about the issue of long-term fiscal sustainability." – William Galston, Former Domestic Policy Advisor , Clinton White House

Wow! With EVERYONE so pissed - he must have nailed it! Right? Right guys? Hello?
Note: Super shout out to Marathon Pundit who compiled all the links - Go to him to follow the quotes.

While you're worried about Valentine's Day...

The entire Middle East is going up for grabs:

Algeria:

Riots broke out across the country in early January, triggered by an increase in basic food prices. Before too long, protesters were demanding the ouster of President Abdelaziz Bouteflika who has ruled Algeria for 11 years, and changed the country's constitution in 2008 so as to allow himself to remain in power until he dies. On Saturday, demonstrators chanting "change the power" clashed with security forces in Algiers. Today, the government announced the country's 19-year state of emergency would be revoked "within days."

Bahrain:

For the last year, Bahrain's marginalized Shiite majority has been protesting the rule of King Hamad Bin Isa al-Khalifa, a Sunni who succeeded his father in 2002. But in the wake of the dramatic events elsewhere in the region, the protests have gained momentum and turned violent. In an effort to quell the unrest, the king has announced that the regime will give every Bahraini family $2,700 in cash.

IRAN:

Tens of thousands of protesters, marching in solidarity with Egyptian protesters, clashed with police in central Tehran today. Police used tear gas and beat some protesters, who chanted "Death to the dictator," referring to Mock Mood Ahmadinerjacket. Iran's opposition has kept a low profile since a brutal June 2009 crackdown by the ruling Islamic regime, which has been in power since the 1979 revolution. And remember, any uprising would be a counter-revolution. Try to keep up. Ironically, as reported here... Mock Mood cheered on the Egyptians while cautioning the Green party activists that he would crack skulls if they tried it on him - again.

Please also note: Twitter and Facebook were an important part of the Iranian uprising following the stolen election against the Green Party -- but they were NOT able to bring down Mock Mood.

Tunisia:

In some ways, Tunisia started it all. On Dec. 17, a young man set himself on fire to protest unemployment after police confiscated the fruit and vegetables he was selling without a permit. That sparked violent nationwide protests against the autocratic regime of President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali, which had been in place since 1987, and was viewed by many Tunisians as corrupt and repressive. A day after dismissing his government on January 13, Ben Ali fled by plane to Saudi Arabia.

Yemen:

On Jan. 27, 16,000 Yemenis--inspired by events in Egypt--protested economic conditions, corruption and repression in the capital city of Sana'a. A week later, after continuing demonstrations, the country's authoritarian president, Ali Abdullah Saleh, who has ruled for 32 years, said he wouldn't run for re-election in 2013, and wouldn't pass power on to his son. But the protests have raged on. On Saturday, 5,000 police used clubs to beat hundreds of protesters, some of whom chanted: "A Yemeni revolution after the Egyptian revolution." Yesterday, Saleh canceled a planned trip to the United States, citing the climate of unrest in the Middle East.

So, did you get flowers for your significant other?

Huff Puff Exodus

The purchase of the Huffington Post by AOL left many of the progressive writers and readers that made the site into a powerhouse looking for a new home."Socialite Arianna Huffington built a blog-empire on the backs of thousands of citizen journalists," a post at Adbusters begins. "She exploited our idealism and let us labor under the illusion that the Huffington Post was different, independent and leftist. Now she’s cashed in and three thousand indie bloggers find themselves working for a megacorp."

They continue that the Huffington Post is not Arianna’s to sell. It is theirs: the lefty writers and readers, environmentalism activists and anti-corporate organizers who flooded the site with 25 million visits a month. So they’re going to take it back.

"We are the ones who built the Huffington Post. And now we will be the ones who will huff & puff it down," Adbusters concluded.

They claim they’ll stop going to her site. And stop blogging for her too. Then they shall birth an alternative to AOL’s HuffPo by using the #huffpuff hash tag and ironically tell the world about their NEW favorite counter-culture websites and indie blogs. Kind of a counter-to the counter-culture corporate left tilted AOL owned left tilted website?

Damn that must be exhausting.

Look, it's a crap site full of pseudoscience and a large percentage of horse droppings. She sold it because she can. It's got her name on it, and she's going to make a fortune. But it's also AOL - and they have the anti-Midas touch. Like the Moldy touch. It seems that just about every venture that AOL has tackled has been put into the history books as "the worst business decision in history." Time Warner? Sending out CD's every week to everyone on the planet? Not considering DSL or Cable Modems as a serious threat to their business plan?

Surly, the death of the Huff-Puff is a foregone conclusion - and losing their fan base will only slightly accelerate its demise.

Blood in Egypt

Bloodbath In Egypt: 300 Feared Dead And 500 Injured As Mubarak Mob Attack Peaceful Protesters

* Army turns water cannon on protesters in desperate bid to end violence
* Mubarak supports charge Liberation Square on horses and camels
* Rocks and concrete blocks hurled at pro-democracy demonstration
* World leaders call for calm as situation spirals out of control

Thousands of supporters of President Hosni Mubarak today attacked anti-government protesters as fresh turmoil gripped Egypt.

Backers of the president, who last night agreed to relinquish his grip on power, fought with the crowds in Cairo's Tahrir (Liberation) Square, at least 500 injured.

Some rode into the ranks on horses and camels and wielding whips. In chaotic scenes, they pelted each other with stones, large sticks and machetes.

The death toll since protests began is now believed to have hit 300.

Read more ....

I give you Pharaoh Mayor Rahmses!

Oh, look how surprised he's pretending to be!

The Illinois Supreme(ly Corrupted) Court ruled today that future Pharaoh Rahm Emanuel can stay on the ballot for mayor of Chicago. The decision comes without a moment to spare; early voting for the Feb. 22 city election begins Monday.Whew! That was a close one!

• Read the court's decision.pdf

For the Record

Trouble Ain't Over

$10.2 trillion: The amount of money advanced-nation governments will need to borrow in 2011

As the debts of advanced countries rise to levels not seen since the aftermath of World War II, it’s hard to know how much is too much. But it’s easy to see that the risk of serious financial trouble is growing.

Next year, fifteen major developed-country governments, including the U.S., Japan, the U.K., Spain and Greece, will have to raise some $10.2 trillion to repay maturing bonds and finance their budget deficits, according to estimates from the International Monetary Fund. That’s up 7% from this year, and equals 27% of their combined annual economic output.

Read more ....

CAP'N SAYS: Okay, here's your warning. Expect rough economic times and tight money that will impact everything -- Borrowing money at reasonable rates, to big government entitlement programs and defense budgets.

And if oil prices creep up - expect expensive food, expensive gasoline, heating oil and inflation or even hyper inflation. That's not good. Anger will continue to rise.

Thanks to War News Updates for the re-post

California Gurls

It's one of the worst summer songs ever, and now "California Gurls" being threatened by a lawsuit.

The New York Post is reporting that the Beach Boys' label might sue Katy Perry for using a lyric, "I wish they all could be California girls," in her hit song. The lyric first appeared in their band's 1965 classic, "California Girls," which NewsFeed dubbed one of the best summer songs. Technically Snoop Dogg says it near the end of the track, but Perry's label is receiving the threat.

Rondor Records, which backs the Beach Boys, reportedly sent a letter to Perry's label, Capitol Records, insisting that The Beach Boys' Mike Love and Brian Wilson receive a writing credit — and, of course, royalties — for use of the lyric.

Wilson and Love are distancing themselves from this suit, saying it's up to the record label, which owns the song. Perry has said her tune is a tribute to the classic song, and Love and Wilson have both praised the track in interviews. But still — if your legendary summer anthem gets made into a terrible hit, it can't hurt to make some money from it.

My Suggestions for Teabaggers

Okay guys, I understand your outrage. The economy is bust, you're frustrated, no one's getting any sleep, ...all while your government is overreaching and trying to take more of your money and give it to their cousins and cronies. But, like any group, you've got a couple folks in your ranks that are making the rest of you look like fringe weirdos. Not you, but the guy standing next to you. Yeah, that guy.

So here's some ideas I have that I'd like to share with you to help you on your way.

1. Change your name. It's early in the movement. You can get away with a brand shift now. But the name you've chosen or have been given means something that I don't think you realize what it means. That's why there are a lot of media types making fun of you - to your face - and you don't really 'get' the joke. Think Boston Tea Party or Revolution 2.0 or just the Tea Party rather than 'teabaggers.' Really. Ask a teenager or google it. You really have to change the name.

2. Learn your history. Figure out that Reagan and Bush ran huge massive Federal deficits too. And not that Bush, the other Bush. Also...

3. Learn your quotes. I'm guilty of this too - but you can't cherry pick Jefferson and Hamilton quotes - and put them on the same banner. Jefferson and Hamilton hated each other. And Jefferson was much more of a Democrat than a Republican - while Hamilton seems very Libertarian would have loved the Fed. So, if you follow step two you'll be more conscious of what exactly you're having your daughter march with.

4. Medicare and Medicaid are government socialized medicine. If you read a sign that says 'keep your hands off of my Medicare' - send the person home to read a book. You don't need this person in your group, they only slow down your movement and attract wolves.

5. Kick out the Klan. If there really are any racists in your group, ditch 'em. No one wants to listen to that crap - and if they really don't like the President because they can't get past his skin color, then they're in the wrong group. You're against the President's policies and his actions as the representative of you and your country... those who can only look at color already has a group. They wear white sheets and pointy hats. Send them back. Don't let anyone use the race card.

6. Leave the weapon at home. We're all big supporters of the 2nd Amendment (well, a couple of us anyway) at Blasphemes. Search our archives and you might find a couple gun related stories. I understand that you want to remind your employees that you are the boss, not them and that is a very nice reminder. But brining weapons to protests scares folks who don't get it, puts the police and Secret Service at edge, and makes for good cable news talking points - at your expense.

7. How about a dress code? You should all dress nicely, in your Sunday best. Or better, suits and ties for the men. You're the management of the politician pond scum that you elected, so show 'em who's boss. A well dressed crowd would scare the piss out of a politician - and it did at some of the Town Halls. So much that the pundits thought that you were all plants by the insurance industry. The LL Bean's. Keep going with that. Have a dress code... but avoid uniforms. Especially black or brown shirts. You really don't want to give the wrong impression. If you don't get the reference, please repeat step 2.

8. Protests and street marching? Really? Back to the '60's, huh? Is that the best you can do? You know what I see? Hippies with signs. Fine, if you're going to go all Mahatma Gandi then get creative with it. Consider sit ins at the DMV. Ah, but who would notice? How about sit ins at your Representative or Senator's office? That'd be interesting. Tell them that you want to talk to your employee. Not there? How about his house? You paid for it. Think of other interesting, and new ways to get your point across. May I suggest something along the lines of "What would John Galt do?" Again, if someone in the group is scratching their heads - point them to the library (yikes, public institution, er) - how about Borders?

9. Political Take-Over. The Republican party is weak and disorganized. If you can accomplish 1-6 and maybe 7, you'll be a political force. You can effectively create a hostile takeover of the Republicans and replace that old deck with new platforms. Hang a banner that says "Under New Management." Why grow grassroots when you can take over a tree? Sure it's rotten to the core, but there's an infrastructure for local elections and fundraising that can be used. And find a leader who isn't Sarah Palin. Or Glen Beck. And for the love of god - please leave out 'the love of god' when you rebuild the thing. If you really believe in the Constitution, you'll remember the separation of church and state is clearly stated in there.

10. Don't get drunk with power. It took the Democrats about 3 months before they were even worse than the Republicans they replaced with spending and arrogance and hypocrisy. IF you are able to keep your ideals and actually work toward implementing your Tea Party tenants... you'll be the only group in history to follow through with their promises. Even the Democrats, with all their posturing, are so busy bumping into each other they can't get anything done.

Good luck. Don't forget to vote.

20 Cents

Patrick Kane was arrested for allegedly beating his cab driver over 20 cents.

Will this affect his EA sports NHL cover appearance? I hope not.

Ever since the Blackhawks made Patrick Kane the No. 1 pick in the NHL draft two summers ago, the baby-faced winger has been the golden boy of the franchise, sparking a resurgence on and off the ice.

But with his arrest early Sunday in his hometown of Buffalo after an altercation with a male cab driver, allegedly over 20 cents, the high-scoring, quick-with-a-grin Kane has had his public image tarnished.

"They broke my glasses, they ripped my clothes ... all over 20 cents," cab driver Jan Radecki said Sunday when reached by the Tribune at his home, where he said he was recovering from a broken nose. (See video of the Radecki's television interview HERE.)

Get the full story: Blackhawks' Kane arrested in Buffalo.

Road Rage

Dear Cap'n:

I have a bad case of road rage.

It is pretty bad, I probably need help. I get very angered by people driving in front of me. I curse/yell when I drive alone and rant to people who drive with me. I pretty much think that most people on the roads today do not deserve to drive and are clinically retarded. I have actively tried to stop driving as much and I fear that this will be bad for my stress levels / heart in the future.

kgrad5

I have a similar problem - and I have figured out why - and it has helped me....

I realize that some moron who is not paying attention, following the rules, yacking on the phone, applying nail polish, reading a book, all at once - all have more power than I do. That's right. They can take everything I have away from me. Allow me to explain. At any given moment, when they swerve or ram into me they will have - in the best case scenario make me late. Worst case, end my day on a permanent basis. That's not such a good thing. I get upset thinking that this ding dong in curlers can kill me.

I guess what gets me so upset is the carelessness at 45-90 miles an hour. I know how quickly FUBAR happens, and these other idiots who DON'T understand that principle. I've seen death and brains on the concrete. It's not fun. I'd rather not see it again. Especially my loved ones or my own before the lights go out.

Knowing that those other drivers are the idiots, and to be defensive helps. I assume that Murphy (who was a safety engineer) was right - if it's going to go wrong, it will. If you keep yourself busy anticipating bad moves, that you won't have time to be angry. You'll come up with some good ones. You'll be happy when it doesn't go the way you thought, and you'll laugh that you were right. Example: There's no way that lady is going to light that cigarette while on the phone at this speed! Holy spit! She did it. Ah, but she only swerved two lanes instead three... well, there's always this guy passing me on the right. Maybe he'll hit her...

Hope that helped

[Hey, when did I become an advice guy?]

Google to Drink a Milkshake

Google Plans to Introduce a PC Operating System

In a direct challenge to Microsoft, Google is expected to announce that it is developing an operating system for a personal computer based on its Chrome browser,
according to two people briefed on Google's plans.

The move would sharpen the already intense competition between Google and Microsoft, whose Windows operating system controls the basic functions of the vast majority of personal computers.

My guess is that if it is FREE - Microsoft is going to be kind of angry about this.

Bail-Out Pie Graph... Whoa!

The graphic demonstrates how the 2008 bailout, so far, costs as much as several large and famous government projects added up together. Yes, these numbers are adjusted for inflation. Yeah, because that was the first thing I asked too.

Marshall Plan: Cost: $12.7 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $115.3 billion
Louisiana Purchase: Cost: $15 million, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $217 billion
Race to the Moon: Cost: $36.4 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $237 billion
S&L Crisis: Cost: $153 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $256 billion
Korean War: Cost: $54 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $454 billion
The New Deal: Cost: $32 billion (Est), Inflation Adjusted Cost: $500 billion (Est)
Invasion of Iraq: Cost: $551b, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $597 billion
Vietnam War: Cost: $111 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $698 billion
NASA: Cost: $416.7 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $851.2 billion (Wait, why is the moon shot separate? Was that a glitch or was that just the studio location fees?)

TOTAL: $3,920,000,000,000
2008 BAILOUT TOTAL AS OF NOV 2008: $4,616,000,000,000

Holy crap on a magic stick.

However, the Government didn't just buy all those companies - it's underwriting loans to keep the commercial paper that's being written afloat. It's backing 4 Trillion in bad loans. There's a difference.

Buuuuttt... The US Government doesn't have the best track record on its assumption of debt and allocation of credit. To rationally expect a to see a dividend on these expenditures is a cheap diagnosis for brain damage. They'll simply allow enough time to pass for taxpayers to forget how much they were fleeced for... or for three generations die off. Which ever comes first.

The bailout is a new definition of throwing good money after bad. The historical context only illustrates how much money is involved.

Pardon me. How much of YOUR money is involved. Thank you.

The Best Way to Kill a Maggot

Interesting situation. In the two days of deluge (it's been raining a tad.)
After two days, I finally went out to the trash can yesterday.

I lifted the lid, and probably, oh, 10,000 maggots on the lid. That's about as far as I got before being mildly nauseated. I got some bleach, and hoped that a little pouring of Clorox would solve the problem.

Today, went back. Assumed it would be 10,000 corpses of potential flies.

Bummer. Not so much.
The can smelled pretty clean though.

So up to the work station to Google "The Best Way to Kill a Maggot"
Lots of suggestions to chemical bomb the sh*t out of the area.
No thanks. It's not that I'd like to green up my garbage can - I just don't want to spend the 4 bucks to kill a bunch of garbage can maggots. I'd probably spend another 4 on the gas to the damn hardware store. Plus lose another half day in the black hole that is the hardware store. I also figure it could be a couple days until the garbage man would simply dump those suckers into the back of the truck... so I can't just wait it out. I'm already dealing with a mouse situation... (see earlier post) I'd rather not fight a two front war.

Now the best advice would be to eliminate the food.
Sure. If it's in your house or a drain. But this is a garbage can. I already compost. I recycle just about everything. I'm wondering if a neighbor stuck a soiled diaper or an ex wife in there. Who knows? I'm not going to root around to find out the 'why' other than it's a bleeding garbage can with garbage in it. One would assume there's some biological situation that they'd rather not investigate in the bottom of their trash receptacle. However, it's a little unnerving that they're all under the lid. Can't have the wife seeing that.

But if I'm not going to spend money on a can of poison to kill these pre-flies, and the bleach didn't seem to dent the problem... I was hoping the birds would dine on that shmorgasborg of maggots... but maybe even the birds view that dining experience the same way I look at a 24 hour Chinese Buffet off the strip?

There's no exoskeleton ... ahah! Boiling water!

So I boiled up some water in the tea kettle... more than once... and poured that on those little proto-flies. At the very least, now they're at the bottom of the can, in the rain/bleach water. Any of them in the tied off bags - hey, live and let live. I can't see you, and hopefully you'll keep eating whatever drew you to that spot in the first place. Just don't come into my yard, or I'll have to smack you.

Update to the War on Mice - haven't bothered with the mouse situation since I'm waiting to see if they all drowned or migrated into the house. No signs inside - meaning the glue traps haven't captured anything - and there are no signs of scat anywhere down there. How do I know that? I was scouting for water seepage all weekend.

Of Mice and Cap'n

The problem wasn't that I saw a mouse.
It's that my wife saw a mouse.

It's that time of the year.
It is getting cooler.
The trees are hinting to turn.
Perhaps a little bit early since there aren't any sunspots? (link to that)

But the wife saw a mouse.
That's bad.
Luckily it was near the garage.
That's good.
I quickly dispatched the broom to take care of that little sh*t.

I triumphantly came back into the home.
"That mouse will never bother you again."
"What did you do?"
Did I tell her that I smacked that sucker in the noggin and left him in the alley as a warning to the other mice that death is coming? That I left him to be picked apart by hungry birds or flattened by a passing car?
"That mouse will never bother you again," and I left the room.

A few days passed. Didn't think about it.
I always knew I had a mouse 'situation.'
The neighbor feeds the birds.
This is next to my garage.
If I were a mouse? Hell, I'd hang out in my garage too. Easy meal just outside.
Sneak out, eat my fill, run back inside. Get fat. Raise some kids, you know?
And once, I left some grass seed out in that garage.
Not long afterward I found out that grass seed in the garage was akin to opening a Denney's next to a 4am bar.
Very bad idea.

But then I saw one near the house.
In the back, by the back door.
Was I pissed.

Actually, I saw it run into a section of rain gutter that I had left under the house. I grabbed it, then I remembered how sharp it was.
...And realizing after I had picked it up, that he's going to shoot out of there
...and maybe he had a whole family in there?
Yuck.
I hadn't thought this out at all.
In retrospect, I should have flung that little fugger like a canon.
But I wasn't thinking, and he escaped when it evened out.

My first thought was, "That little, ungrateful sh*t! He's got the land of milk and honey - (alright it's just birdseed and old toast) - in my garage! Now they want MORE?"
This is WAR.

They're on the offensive. They're getting literally too close to home now. Action. Decisive, over the top over-reaction action must be made. An insane gesture must be witnessed. Not just a statement to the mice - but to my neighbors as well!
(Somehow there's an analogy to 9/11 - War on Terror in this, but I'll leave that to better, more intelligent folks who want to read into that. I'm not smart enough to pull that one out.)

A trip to the big box store... Home Cheap-o or Nards, which ever one my blind rage got me to first. The difference is which Asian country they buy their stuff from. Cheap-o is China, and Nards is Korea. They even make their American Flags over there. Oh, I guess one is Orange, the other is Green?

I got stuck in the hardware store for, well, the wife called to tell me I had been gone half the day. I looked into my cart and saw 82 projects, and not one single mouse trap.

Damn it.

I finally found the 'pest' control area. There's an isle of these devices. It seems the patent office is still busy with the 'better mouse trap'... and Nards/Home Cheap-o has a shipping route to their warehouse door. There were three other dudes investgating the WMD's as well. I'm guessing this mouse infestation isn't an isolated event then?

An Asian fellow was asking me about the electronic devices.
"Do this work?"
Rather than retorting back with some dumb ass snappy remark about me not wearing a jumpsuit - I realized he's in the same infestation as me.
We're Allies in this mess.
Best not piss him off too much.
I told him you'd only have high pitched electric bills, with mice in your house. Look, you'd have to prove to me that this worked. With mice in a cage, and turning it on, and them freaking out. And even then I'd be skeptical. What if they were just trained to do that?

He then said he had skunks.
Hell... I guess my war wasn't that bad after all. Good luck with that, man.

One gentleman seemed convinced that the 'live' route was the way to go. Must be a PETA non-penis American. I'm kind of against the 'live mouse' idea. I'm not collecting these disease and mite infested rodents for a science lab. I'm not going to keep it as a pet. And what if I do catch one? What am I going to do? Take a live mouse on a trip - a nice ride in my car - out to the country and let him free? Go frolic in nature, Mickey... and look out for the Hawks.
Hell no! I'm going to smack the living sh*t out of him! Besides, think of the gas money in that adventure! At that moment I realized I'm not a humanitarian, and never will be. One of the dudes pointed me over to look at the catch and kill options and the other, deadlier bait traps.
(FYI - I will not be renewing my WWF membership this year.)

Now, I'm a little conflicted with the food option. I feed them, and they die. Awesome. Where do they die? At least with a trap - they're right there. I am going to have to clean up, but at least I know where their corpses are. If they ARE in my house, and I bait them with the poison - and they go back into the house or the rafters or something -- jebus that's going to smell up the joint. But I don't really want to bait them next to the house, because if they AREN'T in the house, maybe now they'll think there's food there, and what a groovy place to hang out.

God I'm over thinking this.

Three hours later I shake hands with the fellows, and walk out with a bucket of the poison bricks, a little 'live' catcher that I'll put some peanut butter in, and some glue traps for 'in' the house.

I also bought some of that awesome 'fill-a-crack' can foam stuff. I'm going to put that all over the garage. The 60's are over, you hippie mouse assh*les!!

Yeah, that's the other thing. I've decided that all my mice are hippies. They're stinky, unwashed masses that multiply when you give them a hand out. They only want more. Oh, they'll return the favor with disease and excrement all over your house, and blame you for not solving all their problems... Goddamn Hippies!!!

Look, if you're a dirty hippie, I'm really sorry that you're a dirty hippie. Your revolution is over. Condolences. The bums lost. My advice is to do what your parents did; get a job, sir. The bums will always lose. Do you hear me, Lebowski?

I thought all this out while cleaning the hell out of the entire area around the back of the house.
Now it's all baited and - look at that - most of the bricks have been eaten. That's probably not good. There's probably 10 mice for every one that I've seen, right?

Sh*t. Mouse Sh*t.

McCain BarackRoll'd

Here's some advice - don't use a blue screen background for your candidate or this will happen to you too.