Black Cloud

A former neighbor of mine, Chris, has bad luck. Not some bad luck, CONSTANT bad luck. He was a really nice guy who would doggysit Cassius (four-toed dog) all the time. But make no mistake. The dude was cursed.

For example, he was a huge Red Sox fan. Grew up in Boston and therefore . . . He recently got a new puppy, a Boston Terrier. After Boston won the World Series he named his dog "Johnny Damon". Two weeks later he had to rename the dog "Johnny."

Another time he got a roommate that saved him from eviction. It turns out the roommate would have big, loud, and very gay orgies. My favorite quote during this era was, "I am sick and tired to waking up and my living room smelling like man-ass."

Anyway, this article was discovered by my wife. It is about Chris. It has the Johnny Damon autographed Red Sox jersey story, the getting attacked at Comisky story, and a brand new one I had never heard of.

He drove from Maine to see Boston play some baseball. It was rained out. Here is another choice Chris quote before you run off to read the article.

Then he added, ``It's not really a game is it? It's more like sitting here eating Fenway Franks and talking to you.`

`I guess there's nothing wrong with that. I'd rather talk to you than White Sox fans."

Summer of Music

Posts have been scant recently. It is my summer of music. So far I have witnessed Joe Jackson (excellent), Ray Davies (one of three and out-f'in-standing), English Beat (alright), among others. I should probably start typing up some reviews so y'all can decide if you would like to see some of these musicians for your own self. But I have not.

Thursday I leave for Summerfest. On the agenda, Elvis Costello with Allen Troussaint and the Imposters, Keane, Tom Petty, David Lee Roth, Ray Davies (again), Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, Lewis Black (OK< so he's not music), Alice Cooper, and many more. August I am off to Lollapalooza. That will be a whole separate post. So let's discuss some of these acts that I am about to see before they happen and then I will let you know if they lived up to expectation.

Elvis Costello:He is with Allen Troussaint, the New Orleans blues / jazz / pop guy who was one of the folks stuck in the Superdome after the flood. There new album is good but not really new. They do a lot of there old solo stuff together new. The Imposters back them up. They are the Attractions without bassist Bruce Thomas who wrote an autobiography bad-mouthing Elvis. Not a good way to keep a job. I am sure that Steve Nieve will be in heaven as this concert should feature a lot of his piano playing. One of the shows I most look forward to.

Keane: Not tremendously excited to see them but have heard that they have a very good live show. Hey, it's included and free. And there's always the chance that I may need to be reawakened after Elvis.

Tom Petty: Classic rock idol. Probably going to die soon. Should see him before that happens. Hopefully we will hear more old Refugee era than Freefallin' era but beggars cannot be choosers.
David Lee Roth: This son of a bitch puts on a show! Last time I saw him was at Summerfest and it was great. He knows what side of the bread to put the jam on. Last time there was one new song and about twelve VanHalen songs. Now that he is older he looks like Phyllis Dyller and there are a variety of things that are not the same about him. He still jumps around but only about two inches in the air. He still screams and wails but he gets winded. He still chats up the ladies in the crowd but the reaction is more of shock than awe. But you go home satisfied. He sounds more like VanHalen than Halen does. Apparently, there is a whole generation of kids that can imitate Eddie VanHalen but not many that can imitate David.

Ray Davies: The highlight of the show for me. He is awesome. Has a little bit of the Brian Wilson syndrome where he doesn't like people but tolerates them once a decade. This is it. I saw him at the Vic and Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, he still has it. Bring paper plates, too. If you write a song and toss it up there, he will play it. Seriously, there are songs that he has not thought about in forty years that he whips out effortlessly. If you have a chance he will be in Grant Park on the fourth. Check him out.

Alice Cooper: Some guy on the SmussyOlay site claims that he lipsynchs. I pray to God that this is not true. I don't expect many theatrics and I hope to hear as few songs as possible after 1982.

Well, I will try to update but no promises. If anyone is interested in guest posting (Steve?) let me know and I will hook you up.

You're killing me

Jerome Irving Rodale was best known at one time for championing the cause of organic food. He was a strong advocate of an active and healthy lifestyle. He went on the Dick Cavett show to promote one of his books. At one point in the interview he claimed that he would live to 100 unless a "sugar-crazed taxi driver" ran him over. During the interview he appeared to fall asleep. Dick asked him, "Are we boring you?" He had died of a heart attack. The show never aired. Of course not, it would have been funny.

Jim Fixx was a famous runner. Really. He wrote The Complete Book of Running and because he is a liar he also wrote Jim Fixx's Second Book of Running. Apparently, the first book forgot to tell you what kind of cool, red, too tight, short shorts to wear. He used to point out how unhealthy Yul Brynner was. Yul died at 70 years of age. Jim Fixx died at 52 just after his morning jog.

It would take 2.5 minutes to fall from the top of Mount Everest. That is a long time to think about why you should have tied your shoe laces.

Utah and Ohio are the two remaining states that allow execution by firing squad. See, there is "so much to discover."

Steve Goodman was from Chicago and a Cubs fan. He wrote two songs about the team. The Go, Cubs, Go song is endured by masochists around the country listening to Pat and Ron run out of things to say year after painful year. I don't think the "on radio 7-2-0" was in the original but I could be wrong. Anyway, Steve died of leukemia (he called himself "Cool Hand Leuk") 11 days before the Cubs were to play in their first playoff game since 1945. (As an aside, they were up 2-0 in a best of five series to the Padres and lost). His ashes are located under home plate at Wrigley and yet no one discusses the Goodman Curse. Next time they parade the goddamned goat around the park they should have Bartman dig up Goodman's ashes and take the whole lot of them to Ohio.

Finally, Thomas Grasso was sentenced to death for murder. For his last meal he ordered Spaghetti-O's. Instead, he received spaghetti to go. His final words were "Please tell the media, I did not get my Spaghetti-O's." That week Newsweek and People mostly ignored his death and focused on the tasty child's meal. Uh, oh, no SpaghettiO's.

The first bloody fingerprint.

The year is 1892. The place Necochea, Argentina. Francesca Rojas' two young children (ages 4 and 6) are found beaten with their throats cut in their home. Rojas claims that she saw a man named Velasquez leaving her house as she returned from a store. She had earlier in the day been threatened by Mr. Velasquez after rejecting his sexual advances. (Some sources claim that she had an injury to her own neck. No one knows if it was earlier in the day or if she were somehow present at the house.)

Velasquez is picked up by the Argentinean police and "questioned." Questioning in Argentina in the 1800's consisted mainly of beating, cutting, and general torture techniques that would make Rumsfield blush. One method used for Mr. Velasquez was tying him to the corpses of the children for an evening. When that did not work the torture resumed as planned. After two weeks and no confession the police were, uh, stymied. Usually, anyone would confess to just about anything under these circumstances.

At about the same time Juan Vucetich (picture right - click to enlarge) of the provincial police in Buenos Aires was tasked with setting up a "Bertillonage System" which involves photographing a suspect in over 200 locations of his body for identification. This was very expensive in 1892. He was looking for a cheaper way to do it.

Inspector Vucetich was sent to the house to look into the grisly murders. He discovered a bloody fingerprint on a door frame. With a saw he cut the print out of the frame and brought it back to the police station. Somehow during his "interrogation" Velasquez was no longer able to give an "accurate" thumbprint to the inspectors. Vucetich, being a wise detective, opted to remove the other "suspects" from the scene of the crime. He first fingerprinted Ms. Rojas with ink (first time this was done for forensic purposes) and the story ends.

Shortly after matching the fingerprints Ms. Rojas admitted to killing her two children to improve her chances of marrying her boyfriend who disliked children. She was sentenced to life imprisonment. Nothing else is known about poor Velasquez. Argentina became the first country to replace anthropometry with fingerprinting. So if you are involved with arms dealing, money laundering, narcotics trafficking, or attempting to forcibly reclaim the Falkland Islands, do so with gloves on.

What happened to my country?

I never thought the day would come. According to this article, it seems that iPods are now more popular than beer on the college campus. Holy crap, can you believe it? Without beer I would have graduated college in four years. Without beer I would have remained my svelte 178 lbs. Without beer I would not have gone to the Rev. Horton Heat show. Beer being second is bad enough but ready for this? Poon-nanny-nanny ain't EVEN ON THE LIST!!! Sex is not "in" amongst 18-22 year olds anymore.

This is an ongoing problem that we have going on in this country. The pussification, as Wil calls it, of the US. Probably brought on by the cry-baby Republicans. That's right, you heard me. If you can't handle licking the Charms' Blow Pop you are not going chew the bubble gum. And smashing the candy with a hammer to get to the gum is cheating.

Had to get that off my chest. In other important news, Screech (Saved by the Bell) might lose his house. Could you give a brother a hand? He was, after all, with Principal Belding the only original cast member in SBTB: The New Class.

Speaking of pussification, I ran into Joe ("Is She Really Going Out with Him") Jackson last night before his show at the Vic. I panicked and made some gurgling sounds but my friend said "Hi, Joe." He did not respond. Good show though. Very good show.

Finally, Bill S., what's the wager for US - Italy? Wine? Art? The corpse of St. Francis? Name it.

Update: Maybe there is hope.