Not Sitting Well

Okay, "Free Breakfast" at the hotel. Good deal, that ought to be worth about $20.00 off the tab by way of subtraction by way of repeated borrows or some kind of fancy conversion method. Right? Way too early to be thinking too hard.

Okay we've got a waffle maker over there - hmmmm... lot of work to get that going. Syrup looks a bit off. Hard boiled eggs? Not on a dare. Oatmeal and sugary muffins. Don't see a toaster anywhere... Hellllloooo what's this?

A Jimmy Dean Bacon Egg and Cheese Biscuit? Well, I love McDonald's Bacon Egg and Cheese biscuit! How much difference can there be, really? Wow, the packaging makes it look so big! This is going to be... oh, crap why did I look at the ingredients!? I don't want to know how many calories - ahgh! 21% Saturated fat?! Jebus Chrimmiss! Wait, maybe that means there's a LOT of bacon in there? I mean, it's Jimmy Dean. They're going to hoggify this little waffer of a biscuit so that you go out and buy more of their meat, right? Hell, they probably gave these away for free to the hotel so that you'll be so excited with how awesome and delicious with a pile of bacon on it, you'll be a customer for life for all Jimmy Dean breakfast products. How could a nice guy named Jimmy Dean mean no less than to help a feller out?

Okay, where's the instructions? Bake for 20 minutes -- nope.

Microwave.

Reservations.

Microwave bacon, egg and cheese -- and a biscuit. How 'good' or 'wholesome' can this thing I'm holding possibly be? There's a road trip that needs to be considered, along with the count of how many rest stops I'm potentially going to have to inspect on that route now. Okay, there were about 5 on the way down, one at Interstate 70 -

I think I can pull this off, even in a worse case scenario. The worst case is that Jimmy Dean is going to try to kill me.

Okay, here we go. Only one minute? That doesn't seem like a lot of time for a yummy breakfas-
*DING*
Done already! Peel off the package... Oh. My. Goo -

How come the cheese has smeared everywhere but on the sammich?

Well, it doesn't look like much, or like any food product that I've put in my mouth since caring about things like saturated fat and high fructose corn syrup... but, but, it's my old pal Jimmy Dean! There's bacon in there - somewhere. Right?

First bite. Shudder. Wha- what was that? That was a biscuit? There oughta be a law against calling that a biscuit. Okay I'm giving up on the counterfeit biscuit. There's still bacon to be had. I think.

Ugh. This is - why am I - oh, there's the bacon! And it's limp. But, uh - wow. I ate that. I can't believe I ate as much of that as I did... I really ought to throw the rest of that away - but I hate to waste it...

And it's over. Need to wash that down with hotel coffee. Oh, and orange juice! Maybe the vitamin C will counteract the terrible terrible price I've paid by eating this monstrosity described as comestible.

You know? I better have a second glass of that orange drink.

My co-worker lazily comes in. I see him eyeing the remaining Jimmy Dean thing in the cooler. I ought to wave him off. No point in us both fighting for the same defiled toilet seat while on the trip home.

"Oh yeah, I had one of those last time. Not pretty."

What?! I just ate one! What happened?!

"Oh, you'll see."

No, I don't want to see - should I seek medical attention now? Will I make it home, or am I a dead man walking?

*phew* that's just not sitting well.

You know, for all that fat and salt you'd think it would have been at least tasty. Jimmy Dean, you're dead to me. Now, excuse me while I find a men's room.

Tomatoes are good people

Hey everyone. Long time. Spending time in the new home with the new child has mellowed your old friend One F out. I used rant and rave about politics and my hatred of Florida but not anymore. Recently, however, your pal F has been getting a little worked up. I know 95% of Congress are useless slugs. Spineless, xenophobic, non-boat rocking, Freedom Fry loving slugs but they have finally gone too far.

In the midst of deciding that we should retroactively give immunity to the TeleCom companies in order to better protect us from our mothers and friends (read: evil-doers), Congress has decided that tomatoes need their privacy. I bet you thought that Congress was anti-fruit rights, eh? The answer: kind of. As long as they do not marry, all is well. Sanctity of Marriage is kept by not allowing certain people to marry but by allowing all people to divorce.

As I am sure you are aware, and to my personal delight, it is currently a bad idea to eat a tomato. A salmonella outbreak has sickened near a thousand people since April and there is no way to know where the infected fruit comes from. Why not? There is no way of tracking where fruits (and vegetables, which tomatoes are not) come from. This is done to ensure the privacy of the fruit while simultaneously allow the myth of food conglomerates being equal to properly grown food. If we all found out that all of the mad cow, salmonella, and other evil bad for you things came from the same two or three companies we would start supporting smaller, safer growers.

Am I a conspiracy theorist? Well, yes, but not this time. Remember when 100% testing of mad cow was made illegal because "the consumer is not entitled to that type of information?" Less than 1% of U.S. beef is tested and our own government wants to stop further testing. (I am aware that this case is being moved up the courts and is not done but something tells me the Supreme Court, if it gets to that, may side with Bush on this one.)

Anyway, I am in favor of rights of the fruit. I would just like the same rights is all I am saying.


Update: Look at this.