Pull!

AND A MASTERS DEGREE IN COMMUNICATION!!! Update

Just when you couldn't get enough of this guy... someone made it better.


*pssst* the joke is that it's the song the wrestler Rick Flair used to walk out to...

Schools

Got this one in an email from "Judy." First, I'm impressed we really do have women reading Blasphemes, second, I'm impressed by your sense of humor.

Let me offer my call and response to Judy. Here's Larry's Math homework, with a big fat F on it. His teacher also stapled a McDonald's application to the homework. Ouch. Harsh. However, Mr. Math teacher, if you can't teach Larry to count, he'll never ever be able to work the counter.

You might be Taliban if...

This one just came in the mail bag. I post (almost) anything you people send me.

The following should be read in your best Jeff Foxworthy 'redneck' voice:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States

I like jokes.

Got a better one? Mail it in.

The iMaxiPad

The iPad--is probably the worst named product since HeadOn. On my best day, I cannot get past the obvious feminine hygiene product image.

"Did Apple really check whether women would like the idea of a maxi-pad?" writes blogger Ann Althouse, who suggests that Steve Jobs' marketing gurus should've consulted women a bit more. "Anyway, for our light days, we have iPhones. For our heavy days, we have the iPad? The iMaxiPad? Come on, guys!

Seattle Post-Intelligencer writer Mónica Guzmán also wonders what Apple was thinking: "Whether we make this part of the conversation surrounding Apple's highly anticipated tablet device or ignore it for the sake of decency, the word 'pad' has a meaning that is about as far removed from computing as a Band-Aid is from a television set.

"But how many times do you say 'Hand me that pad' and not, you know, blush a little?" Guzmán asks rhetorically.

Interestingly, the "iPad" jokes began before today's product launch. "Am I the only one who thinks the iPad sounds like a new feminine hygiene tech product?" asked one reader last week on Neowin.net, a tech news site.

iTampon on Twitter

A mere two hours after Jobs wrapped up his iPad demo, the term "iTampon" was trending higher than "Apple's iPad," on Twitter. The jokes were flowing. Pun intended.

User "britpixie" tweeted: "gotta love that iTampon is trending higher than iPad on twitter right now. Something tells me, they picked the wrong name?"

"MaestroMasadeJr" added: "iPad will forever be known as the iTampon ...oh dear I wonder which unfortunate ad agency advised Apple on the 'iPad' name..."

Will the name "iPad" ruin the tablet's success? It's too soon to tell. Once the jokes die down, consumers will focus on the tablet's capabilities [and limitations] and that price tag.

What's interesting to me is that Apple, usually a master of marketing, seems to have stumbled so incredibly terribly down the stairs with the product name.

Oscar Dittohead

Sing Along with Oscar:
This f*cking country's lost its grip
Subconscious hold begins to slip
The scales of justice tend to tip

The legal system has no spine
It's corroding from inside
Slap your hand you'll do no time

Reality on vacation
All across a blinded nation
Mentality under sedation

Anyone can be set free
On a technicality
Explain the law again to me

Here in 1994
Things are different than before
Violence is what we adore

Invitation to the game
Guns and blades and media fame
Every day more of the same

Murder, mayhem, anarchy
Now are all done legally
Mastermind your killing spree

Unafraid of punishment
With a passive government
There's nothing for you to regret

Nothing to regret

Unimposing policy
No enforcing ministry
Gaping with judicial flaws
Watching a fading nation crawl

Clashing with the public's frame
I'm the one that's place in fame
Legislature sets the stage
Social slaves caught in my rage

Administrative anarchy there's nothing
You can do to me
The world around you drifting to a
Continental tomb you see
Violence is my passion
I will never be contained
Living with aggression and its
Everlasting reign

PS: I always knew Oscar was Metal.

Wish Granted

When Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter pulled her aside.
"You know, Farrah. That poster... yeah, that brought a lot of joy to the world. (Especially to young men...) Look, we know you'll never be given Sainthood or recognized for all your hard work *ahem* but, as a reward, the Big Guy, also a fan by the way, has decided to grant you a wish before you enter the gates."

"Wow, thank you, well, I can't be selfish after the life I have lived." Farrah replied, "I simply wish that all the children in the world would be safe."

And, well, you know what happened next...

Breaking: Lead Story

Cap'n Missing Sandwich!

Wait, oh, there it is. Crisis over - everybody chill out!

A Nun Hails a Cab

I got this from a reader... and I'll post anything.

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to
offend you.'

She answers,

'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old
as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a
chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure
that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would
find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single
and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.?

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a
hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab
driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'