A Rabid Pack of Wolf

The world ended last Thursday. Did you notice?

Did you hear anything about it?

Probably not.
There are a couple of reasons why you didn't hear about the world ending. The first, and best, reason is that it didn't really end. Sorry, but I was just resorting to hyperbole to make a point. And my point is this: The second reason why you didn't hear anything about the world ending is that even if it had, nobody would have known about it because CNN was too busy telling us that Anna Nicole Smith had died.

'This is Wolf Blitzer in the Situation Room, where we have Breaking News about a Developing Story at this hour: Several hours ago, Anna Nicole Smith died...

'That's pretty much the whole story, right now, and it's unlikely that we will know anything more until tomorrow, but we're not going to let that stop us from yammering away about it non-stop and commercial-free for at least the next two hours. There are probably other things of much greater importance happening in the world today, but this is real news: The largely innocuous death of a former Playmate...

'Anna Nicole Smith was a former model and actress who was probably best known for having once upon a time popped the cork of an 89-year-old billionaire, whom she met while working as a stripper-- which means I should probably amend her list of credentials. Anna Nicole Smith was a former model, actress and exotic dancer whose sudden death in a Florida hotel room today was the shocking, shocking end to more than a decade of binge drinking, drug use and erratic behavior...

'With me now in the studio is Dr. Sanjay Gupta, who used to be a real doctor but now just plays one on TV. Sanjay, can you speculate about what might have happened here?'

speculate (SPECK-you-late) [verb] a three-syllable word for guess... which, coincidentally enough, was the the jeans company for which Anna Nicole Smith was a model.

'Well, Wolf, there was a time in my career when I would have felt uncomfortable conjecturing so publicly about a case with which I was this unfamiliar... but those big, fat checks I've been getting from Turner have kinda changed my tune. So... yeah, I'll shoot my mouth off for a while, if it'll help you fill air time.'

'Thank you, Sanjay, for that insight. Joining us now via satellite is CNN talk show host Larry King, host of Larry King Live Weeknights At Nine Eastern Here On CNN. Larry, I understand you had Anna Nicole Smith as a guest on your program a number of times. What were your impressions of her, and what is your reaction to her suddenly sudden and shockingly shocking death earlier today?'

'Well, it certainly is shocking and sudden, Wolf-- there's no question about that. As for my impressions of Anna Nicole... she wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, and there were times when you felt uncomfortable and downright embarrassed for her because she was making such a complete fool of herself, but despite all that, she had blonde hair and a pretty face and a nice set of jugs, so you couldn't help but like her.'

'She certainly was, Larry, thank you for joining us. I know you'll be talking about this tonight on your show; we look forward to it. Right now we turn --as we do every day at this time-- to Jack Cafferty with (obligatory dramatic pause) The Cafferty File. Jack, what do you have for us?'

'Wolf, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is taking a lot of heat these days for using a military aircraft that she is fully authorized by the Air Force to use. She says the criticism is motivated by the fact that she's a woman. Republicans say her lack of balls isn't the issue-- it's that she's from California. They don't like it. They say it wouldn't be such a big deal if she were from Illinois like former Republican Speaker Dennis Hastert, but the fact that she's from California makes it wrong. So, our Totally Unscientific and Often Downright Silly CNN Poll-question of the Day probably goes something like this: Should the United States Air Force be authorized to authorize the use of its own aircraft? Log on to c-n-n-dot-com-slash-cafferty-file to demonstrate statistically that your very existence is, right at this moment, largely useless...

'And before I go, Wolf, I have a question for you,' Cafferty said, with a knowing look...

"Is Anna Nicole Smith still dead?"

'Ah-ha... yes, Jack, yes, she is,' Wolf answered in slow motion, wearing a bang-you-got-me smile. Then he turned to the camera and said, 'And for those of you who may have forgotten in the past 60 seconds that Anna Nicole Smith is, indeed, still dead: Don't worry. We're going to beat you over the head with it non-stop for the next 35 minutes...'

At 6 p.m. eastern time, Blitzer passed the baton to Lou Dobbs. I wasn't listening by then, but I can well imagine how Dobbs led off his show...

'On tonight's edition of Precisely How You're Getting Screwed: Tragedy, today, in Florida. Former model, actress and exotic dancer Anna Nicole Smith collapses in her hotel room outside of Fort Lauderdale; she is later pronounced dead at a local hospital...

'Smith came from humble beginnings, pulling herself up by her own g-string and mammalian attributes to make something of herself by popping the cork of an 89-year-old oil tycoon. Her mysterious death at the age of 39 is just one more example of the ongoing War on the Middle Class. Between this and whatever horse manure Bud Selig is up to today, it's pretty clear that the End is nigh...'