Beware of 'Sconsinites!

Wisconsin is a very different place than the rest of the world. Some of the world's friendliest people cruise the tree lined streets in monster trucks carrying firearms and cases Pabst Blue Ribbons. With such notable exceptions as Jeffrey Dahmer, these well armed people are extremely generous and willing to help out their fellow man.

It is understandable understanding the natives that the first circus took place in Wisconsin. As did the invention of the ice cream sundae. Lots of sight and sound - signifying nothing. This great state contains the bratwurst capital of the world (Sheboygan), the Morel Mushroom capital (Muscoda), the U.S. seed-spitting and speed eating championships (Pardeeville), the world's largest outdoor fish fry (Port Washington), the Cow Chip Throw (Sauk Prarie), and plenty more unusual, yet entertaining, activities. Including on of the best festivals ever - Summerfest.

When there are no exciting activities happening in the Cheese State, people seem to hang out and drink a bit. This leads to many fun times. Among them shooting folks out of your hunting tower, tipping dairy cows (the state domestic animal), and escaping from self made devices (Harry Houdini is from Appleton). Sometimes people just stay home alone and, like the gentleman whose name was not released in the police report, watch porno.

James Van Iveren was sitting around his mother's house where he lived listening to music on the night of February 12th when he heard shrieks from a woman apparently being raped in the apartment upstairs. At first our hero did nothing hoping the screams would go away. When they did not he flew into action.

Grabbing a family heirloom, a cavalry sword and bounded up the stairs to save this poor woman. He pounded on the door until the frame and lock busted and the door flew open.

"Where is she?" James yelled at a very surprised man on his couch.

The unnamed man had no idea what this crazed neighbor, thrusting a 39 inch sword, was talking about. This made James angrier. James held the sword at the neighbor and made him walk around the apartment opening closet doors to prove that there was no woman present. Frightened, the man obliged.

After a full search of the house, James was convinced that there was no wrong doing in the apartment and headed back downstairs. A few moments later he saw a police cruiser outside the apartments. Knowing that they were there for him, he walked outside to talk to the police about the "rape" sounds that he had heard.

The police discovered after what had to be an entertaining moment that the lady was on a DVD. A pornographic DVD. They had the neighbor replay the section that Mr. Van Iveren apparently heard.

James Van Iveren is charged with criminal trespass while using a dangerous weapon, criminal damage to property while using a dangerous weapon and disorderly conduct while using a dangerous weapon. He faces up to 33 months in prison if found guilty.

Now my advice.

• When watching pornography in your home, keep the volume at a reasonable level. This is especially true if you are into rape porn.
• If you bust into someone's apartment for any reason, do not take any heirlooms that you may want to keep.
• If you are 39 and live with your parents, try as hard as possible not to make the news. Steve Bartman will verify that one for me.
• If you are an ear witness to a rape, do something or don't do something. Do not admit to not doing anything until it became unbearable to you.
• If an incident happens at your house involving pornography, do everything in your power to keep your name out of the papers.