The Right Spin

Frankly, I don't think they do it because it's really all that much more effective at knocking down pins. I just think they do it because it looks cool.

Like a mediocre bowler determined to develop that nifty little hook on the end of his roll, George W. Bush and his administration --a.k.a. "Spanky and Our Gang"-- keep re-re-redefining their rationale for invading Iraq. They are looking, you see, for juuust... the rigghht... spin.

Originally, "we" invaded Iraq because Saddam Hussein had Weapons of Mass Destruction. Specifically, "nukuler" ones.

Mmmmm... gutter-ball.

...Time to meet the other players in the match. In addition to Spanky, we have North Korea, Iran and Iraq-- the so-called Axis of Evil. "Axis" is a word that Our Gang borrowed from World War II, because polls show that it is still America's most popular war-- more than sixty years and still toppin' the charts. "Evil," on the other hand, is a word tailored to this President's sensibilities and world-view: It's short, it's easy to pronounce, and it paints an overly simplistic picture with a nice, big brush-- right up Spanky's alley. It also has religious overtones, which is a major plus, and it connotes a certain absolutism: "We" are totally "good"; "They" are totally "bad." No gray area, no middle ground, no complications.

So, let's take a look at the scorecard: Pyongyang has the Bomb, Tehran is trying to get the Bomb, "we" invaded Baghdad, and Washington is spinning in his grave.

North Korea's Kim Jong-il is talkin' some smack:
"Economic sanctions are an outright attack!
So, put up your dukes--
I got me some nukes
and your troops are bogged down in Iraq."

Heh, *smirk*, Maybe we oughta try that ag'in...
Okay, the real reason "we" invaded Iraq was because Saddam Hussein was an all-around Bad Guy and "we" were going to liberate the Iraqi people from his oppressive rule and bringeth unto them the Great Gift of Democracy.

Never mind that it's really none of our [fornicating] business to run around knocking over Bad Guys without provocation. A foreign sovereignty, being sovereign, has a right conferred upon it by fate and circumstance to at least some degree of self-determination, whether we like their chosen form of government or not. Had the Iraqi people risen up against their particular Bad Guy, and asked us for help, then perhaps this rationale would have some merit. But they didn't.

And never mind that toppling Saddam Hussein created a big ol' suckin' power vacuum right smack-dab in the middle of (arguably) the world's most unstable region.

And never mind that "liberating" the Iraqi people from the frying pan of Hussein-ism sent them plunging into the raging gas fire of civil war.

And never mind that we don't even have a true democracy, here. Whether you call our form of government a democratic republic or a republican democracy or a vast, ever-merging corporation in which we are all minority stockholders with a periodic opportunity to unseat a handful of board members... No matter what you call our form of government, it works --ostensibly-- with the consent of those it governs. Or, all too often, with their tacitly approving apathy. It does not work when you shove it down a people's throat like a cold helping of Brussels sprouts and tell them that they have to like it because it's good for them. It especially does not work when you throw the framework of the new government together like an assembly-required toy in the last few hours before daybreak on Christmas morning... without having bothered to read the instructions.

Mmmmm... gutter-ball.

Wait. Did I say we had no "business" invading Iraq? Hmmm... I guess the old boys at Halliburton would disagree. They like to think of all this as a "hostile takeover."

Bowlin', bowlin', bowlin',
let's keep those tanks a-rollin',
tollin', tollin', tollin'... ji-HAAD!

Heh. Lemme, lemme spin that puppy ag'in... *smirk* ...I, heh, I-I think I'm gettin' the hang of it...

Okay, the real, real reason "we" invaded Iraq was because it is the Central Front in the War on Terror.

First of all, Mr. President, it is syntactically impossible to wage a war on terror. "Terror" is an emotion: Intense fear, horror, panic. As such, it occurs almost exclusively within a person's mind and/or soul. Not coincidentally, that is how and where it must be dealt with: By each individual who experiences it, and within their own mind and/or soul. You cannot squelch terror from without. You certainly can't do it with bombs and bullets. Bombs and bullets used in abundance and in anger have a tendency to inspire terror, not stop it. See below.

What you really mean, Mr. President, is "War on Terrorism." I realize that the word "terrorism" doesn't roll off the tongue (especially yours) quite as easily as does the word "terror," but that bald fact of marketing doesn't make my point any less true. Terrorism is a strategy, a set of tactics-- ones that are geared toward inspiring terror. You can wage war on the strategy; you can wage war on the tactics; more to the point, you can wage war on the people who engage in those tactics; but you cannot wage war on the emotion itself... so stop using sloppy rhetoric.

Besides...
About half the time, Mr. President, that mush-mouth Texas accent of yours makes it sound like you're saying "War on Terra." Now, I know you don't like facts, Spanky, but hear me out: "Terra" is the Latin (Roman) word for "Earth," as in Mercury, Venus, Terra, Mars, Jupiter, et cetera, insert your favorite Pluto joke here. So, when you say "War on Terra," I might know that you mean "War on Terror" and you might know that you mean "War on Terror," but there are some people who might think you mean "War on the Whole Wide World" ...especially since you're juuust idiotic enough to really say it.

Secondly, you cannot have invaded Iraq because it is the Central Front in the War on Terror(ism). True, Iraq is the central front in the War on Terror(ism) ...now. It is the central front because "we" invaded. So, while the effect has become the cause (in one sense), it can never have been the cause (different sense). Stop using sloppy logic (my two cents).

Mmmmm... gutter-ball.

As of Monday at noon, Eastern Daylight Time, there will be 820 days left in George W. Bush's second term as President of the United States. If the conflict in Iraq continues as it has so far, the number of American Service-men (and -women) killed in those 820 days will approach 1,750... bringing the total number of U.S. troops killed in Iraq to more than 4,500.

Juuust... the riighht... spin.
Okay, okay, okay: So, the real, real, real reason "we" invaded Iraq is because "it's a struggle between good and evil."

Ahem. Hmm. Uh, I've already commented on Spanky's use of the word "evil." A discussion of his use of the word "good" --at least in this context-- would be pretty much the same. For those of you who have already forgotten and are too lazy to scroll up the page, I'll quickly recap: Short, easy to pronounce, overly simplistic, religious overtones, absolutic undertones. Ready? Break!

As part of the whole Good v. Evil campaign, Vice President Dick...

Wait a minute. You know what? I'm not going to give Dick Cheney an "Our Gang" nickname. Instead, in a patently transparent ploy to generate written responses, I'm going to let you, dear reader, post your nickname-of-the-week for the Veep. You see, sometimes --not often, but sometimes-- One F laments the scarcity of comments here on our little whine and cheez party. So, for his sake: Tell us which of the Lil' Rascals most reminds you of Dick Cheney.

Now, then, where was I? Oh, yeah: As part of their Good v. Evil campaign, Vice President Dick Cheney says, "The hopes of the civilized world ride with us."

Just as I thought: We're doomed.

Whenever you see or hear or read a quotation, clip, or sound bite, be it on television, on the radio, in a newspaper or magazine or even right here on this, uh, blog... thingy, you should always ask yourself questions regarding context. What was the sentence before the one quoted? What was the sentence after? Was anything ... edited [out] of the middle? Because virtually always, somebody, somewhere, has done some editing. See below.

Personally, I can't help but wonder if Cheney's full quote wasn't this: "The hopes of the civilized world ride with us... and I'm calling 'shotgun'."

Mmmmm... gutter-ball.
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This past week, Spanky signed into law the Military Commissions Act.

"...and the suspension of habeas corpus for all." --Killre 6/14/06.
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P.S...

Bud "Hey, Now, Imagine That: A Whirled Series,
Sponsored By Chevrolet And Budweiser,
Featuring Teams From Detroit And Saint Loo...
Now, What Are The Odds Of That?" Selig must go.