Sit down, it's comedy

One of the most frequent comments that gets slung my way while I am yapping away semi-coherently on the weekends is something along the lines of "you should be a comedian." This happened again over this weekend and I would like to publicly and finally announce that this is a bad idea. Why? I tried it once. {funky flashback music}

In 1987 or so my friends thought it would be a great idea for me to hit the stage with a little humor. Some comedy for unsuspecting Connecticutians. See, they thought I had been especially funny over the past few weeks because they had just discovered marijuana. Sometimes when one is high, not being funny is hysterical.

At the time I had this monster doll-type thing that my friend had left in my Oldsmobile. When you squeezed the belly it made a fart noise. I think it was supposed to growl or something but nope, to the delight of the passengers of my car it farted. I was riffing on the fact that this was supposed to be a gift for my friend's niece on her first birthday. Granted kids love fart noises. In fact, most adults love fart noises. But to really enjoy a fart noise one should be sentient. Y'know be able to understand that this was a fart noise. This child probably would think it just shat itself whenever it heard the noise. And would it be able to even squeeze it? Maybe the parents could potty train the child with the doll. Not funny now but you are not high in an Oldsmobile.

Anyway, they stroked my ego to the point that when they signed me up for open mic night I didn't resist. In fact, I told way too many people about it. When the time came and I was announced, I panicked. I realized that I had not actually prepared anything or had anything particularly witty to say. My friend told me that I should just ask the audience if they've done something or gone somewhere and "riff." Below is my best recollection of my first and only stand-up routine:

Hey, everybody, how are you? {crowds awkwardly shifts in there seats} Uh-huh, I assume that's not too good . . . {One friend chuckles slightly} So, uh, how many of you have ever been to the dentist? {silence} Round of applause, been to the dentist? {Four guys clap, friend starts giggling like a school girl} Yea, I have been to the dentist. {Silence except for my friend who is now slapping his hand against the table and yelling, "Oh no, oh no."} Uh, how many of you have ever been on an airplane? Airplanes anyone? {Two members of the audience clap while my friend falls to the floor} Yea, airplanes . . . {My friend is now coughing up a lung and rolling around on the beer-stained floor} Uh, so anyone go to the beach? {Friend completely loses it everyone else stares} Beach? Sand? Sun? No one, huh? Uh . . . {Friend knock over the round of Shirley Temples I had order for the table} So what sound does a one year old love? . . . {I pick up the doll and squeeze making the fart noise. My friend twitches on the ground. Everyone else cocks their heads like a dog who hears a whistle} Uh, OK, then, goodnight. {My friend clap politely, everyone else discusses my suckiness}

That was my only stand-up time. Feel free to use any material that you may want from it. I don't have the doll but I do have one really stoned friend you could have.