Eggs, Over Easy

[1] Psst. Hey. Don't tell anybody I told you this, but the letter "W" is a masonic symbol. It means: "The Smirking Marionette."

[2] To the best of my knowledge, there is no nationwide union for short order cooks. Despite this, breakfast cooks in restaurants everywhere seem to have collectively decided that when a customer asks for "eggs, over easy," what he or she really wants ...are under-cooked eggs.

[3] Don't be silly, those two movies are nothing alike. Hoosiers, which was released in the mid-80s, is the based on a true, Cinderella story of an all-white basketball team from a small town that defeats an all-black powerhouse to win the high school state championship, some 35 years prior. Glory Road, on the other hand, is the based on a true, Cinderella story of an all-black basketball team from a small town that defeats an all-white powerhouse to win the collegiate national championship, about 35 years ago. They couldn't be more different.

[4] I can't wait until that silly little Arena League baseball team on the south side of Chicago puts up a statue of Frank Thomas or Paul Konerko or some other franchise icon so that I can call it, "A pale hose in a hale pose."

[5] Did you know? Many reptiles never blink ...and neither does Dick Cheney. It's okay, though: The Smirking Marionette blinks twice as much as normal people. Poker players call that sort of thing a "tell." Republicans apparently call it a "balanced ticket."

[6] There are people who get lost in freeway rest areas. Oh, you think I'm kidding, but it's true. Dozens of people every week, all over the country, driving around in circles, unable to figure out how to get back onto the highway. Think about that.

[7] Trust me on this one: When in doubt, go with chocolate.

[8] Am I the only one who finds it ironic that baseball's so-called "dead-ball era" actually featured a much more lively style of play?

[9] I don't know who the hell Suzy from Santa Cruz is, but I wish she'd stop giving the guys that hit on her my cellphone number.

[10] Calm down, now. Don't get upset. You can handle this. Just tell him, "Son, in the only League that really matters, 'DH' stands for 'double-header.'" With luck, he will never learn the appalling truth.

[11] It's been more than seven months since Hurricane Katrina made landfall and I have to admit that for most of that time I thought New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin was stupid. I was wrong. It turns out he's crazy, too. Poker players would call that a "bad read."

[12] I saw a headline earlier this week, "Scientists Find Blue, Red Rings Around Uranus." How embarrassing... I didn't even know they were looking!

[13] Bud "Don't Know My [donkey] From The Hole In The Ground That I Bury My Head In" Selig must go.