An Open Letter To One-F

My darling little Doodlebug,

Greetings, oh great and grand wizard of the cult Blaspheme. I come seeking council. Advice. A ruling or two, if you will. I have a few questions rattling around in this slow-witted, rancid piece of meat that I call a brain...

[1] Would I be in the clear, copyright-wise, if I were to call Iran's Ayatollah Khamenei "The Holy Shiite," or does somebody like Steve Colbert already have dibs on that?

[2] Tell me, which do you think is a better nickname for Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki: "The Mayor of the Green Zone," or "the Large Kurd Cottage Cheese"?

[3] What do you think is the best way to describe our foreign policy? Should I call it the "How Dare You Believe Your Own Superstitions Instead of Ours Now You Must Die" Doctrine? Or should I simply characterize it thus: "Look, you're either going to learn to love having western ideology shoved down your throat, dammit, or you're going to choke on it. Frankly, I don't care which one it is..."?

[4] If I were to give Georgia Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney the nickname "It's Time For Animaniacs and We're Zany To the Max," do you think our readers --victims of media conditioning that they are-- would stop reading right then and there and just start singing to themselves (all the while noting which lyrics apply best)?

[5] Umm... Do you, uh, do you think it would be okay if I called our readers "victims of media conditioning"?

[6] How long do you think it'll be before Jose "The Mad Hatter" Canseco decides to run for governor of Florida?

[7] How many people do you suppose have already skipped down to #13?

[8] A few weeks ago, I asked Howard what the Iraqi prime minister's name was, and he gave me the wrong answer. I know I'm really going out on a limb, here, but do you think it's possible that Howard is a double agent?

[9] Our government wouldn't engage in disinformation like that, would it?

[10] Is life really like a box of chocolates?

[11] Does the fact that I didn't already know the Iraqi prime minister's name say more about me... or him?

[12] Well, well. I hear that the United Nations is trying to call "time out" in the Israel-Hezbollah game. Moving with their usual lightening speed, they are seriously considering thinking about mulling over the possibility of cogitating upon (*yawn*) yet another resolution. This one would call for the deployment of a German-led peace-keeping force. Um, excuse me, but isn't this scenario already listed in the Israeli dictionary, under the entry "worst nightmare"-- thousands of uniformed Germans with guns, telling the Israelis that they can't use their guns?

[13] Why do you suppose it is that Bud "Must Go" Selig has to read the Hall of Fame inscriptions directly from the plaques themselves... when everybody else has a separate, printed copy of the texts that they carry around with them?
Do I smell a metaphor?