Here's the most viral ad so far. It shows people are thinking. And how
dangerous is that to the old skool? Watch this, and realize the fear this brings the establishment.
Enjoy. Anyone got a hammer?
Impious since 2006
Mar 21, 2007
Big Sister Ad
Mar 12, 2007
Feb 22, 2007
Beware of 'Sconsinites!
Wisconsin is a very different place than the rest of the world. Some of the world's friendliest people cruise the tree lined streets in monster trucks carrying firearms and cases Pabst Blue Ribbons. With such notable exceptions as Jeffrey Dahmer, these well armed people are extremely generous and willing to help out their fellow man.
It is understandable understanding the natives that the first circus took place in Wisconsin. As did the invention of the ice cream sundae. Lots of sight and sound - signifying nothing. This great state contains the bratwurst capital of the world (Sheboygan), the Morel Mushroom capital (Muscoda), the U.S. seed-spitting and speed eating championships (Pardeeville), the world's largest outdoor fish fry (Port Washington), the Cow Chip Throw (Sauk Prarie), and plenty more unusual, yet entertaining, activities. Including on of the best festivals ever - Summerfest.
When there are no exciting activities happening in the Cheese State, people seem to hang out and drink a bit. This leads to many fun times. Among them shooting folks out of your hunting tower, tipping dairy cows (the state domestic animal), and escaping from self made devices (Harry Houdini is from Appleton). Sometimes people just stay home alone and, like the gentleman whose name was not released in the police report, watch porno.
James Van Iveren was sitting around his mother's house where he lived listening to music on the night of February 12th when he heard shrieks from a woman apparently being raped in the apartment upstairs. At first our hero did nothing hoping the screams would go away. When they did not he flew into action.
Grabbing a family heirloom, a cavalry sword and bounded up the stairs to save this poor woman. He pounded on the door until the frame and lock busted and the door flew open.
"Where is she?" James yelled at a very surprised man on his couch.
The unnamed man had no idea what this crazed neighbor, thrusting a 39 inch sword, was talking about. This made James angrier. James held the sword at the neighbor and made him walk around the apartment opening closet doors to prove that there was no woman present. Frightened, the man obliged.
After a full search of the house, James was convinced that there was no wrong doing in the apartment and headed back downstairs. A few moments later he saw a police cruiser outside the apartments. Knowing that they were there for him, he walked outside to talk to the police about the "rape" sounds that he had heard.
The police discovered after what had to be an entertaining moment that the lady was on a DVD. A pornographic DVD. They had the neighbor replay the section that Mr. Van Iveren apparently heard.
James Van Iveren is charged with criminal trespass while using a dangerous weapon, criminal damage to property while using a dangerous weapon and disorderly conduct while using a dangerous weapon. He faces up to 33 months in prison if found guilty.
Now my advice.
It is understandable understanding the natives that the first circus took place in Wisconsin. As did the invention of the ice cream sundae. Lots of sight and sound - signifying nothing. This great state contains the bratwurst capital of the world (Sheboygan), the Morel Mushroom capital (Muscoda), the U.S. seed-spitting and speed eating championships (Pardeeville), the world's largest outdoor fish fry (Port Washington), the Cow Chip Throw (Sauk Prarie), and plenty more unusual, yet entertaining, activities. Including on of the best festivals ever - Summerfest.
When there are no exciting activities happening in the Cheese State, people seem to hang out and drink a bit. This leads to many fun times. Among them shooting folks out of your hunting tower, tipping dairy cows (the state domestic animal), and escaping from self made devices (Harry Houdini is from Appleton). Sometimes people just stay home alone and, like the gentleman whose name was not released in the police report, watch porno.
James Van Iveren was sitting around his mother's house where he lived listening to music on the night of February 12th when he heard shrieks from a woman apparently being raped in the apartment upstairs. At first our hero did nothing hoping the screams would go away. When they did not he flew into action.
Grabbing a family heirloom, a cavalry sword and bounded up the stairs to save this poor woman. He pounded on the door until the frame and lock busted and the door flew open.
"Where is she?" James yelled at a very surprised man on his couch.
The unnamed man had no idea what this crazed neighbor, thrusting a 39 inch sword, was talking about. This made James angrier. James held the sword at the neighbor and made him walk around the apartment opening closet doors to prove that there was no woman present. Frightened, the man obliged.
After a full search of the house, James was convinced that there was no wrong doing in the apartment and headed back downstairs. A few moments later he saw a police cruiser outside the apartments. Knowing that they were there for him, he walked outside to talk to the police about the "rape" sounds that he had heard.
The police discovered after what had to be an entertaining moment that the lady was on a DVD. A pornographic DVD. They had the neighbor replay the section that Mr. Van Iveren apparently heard.
James Van Iveren is charged with criminal trespass while using a dangerous weapon, criminal damage to property while using a dangerous weapon and disorderly conduct while using a dangerous weapon. He faces up to 33 months in prison if found guilty.
Now my advice.
- When watching pornography in your home, keep the volume at a reasonable level. This is especially true if you are into rape porn.
- If you bust into someone's apartment for any reason, do not take any heirlooms that you may want to keep.
- If you are 39 and live with your parents, try as hard as possible not to make the news. Steve Bartman will verify that one for me.
- If you are an ear witness to a rape, do something or don't do something. Do not admit to not doing anything until it became unbearable to you.
- If an incident happens at your house involving pornography, do everything in your power to keep your name out of the papers.
Feb 21, 2007
The View Below
I had a friend who once told me a very amusing story. Whether or not it is true is irrelevant.
My friend was an outstanding writer. Specifically, a poet. he submitted some pieces to the New Yorker as some sort of amateur contest. He was one of the four finalists that gets published. He wound up an honorable mention. I thought it was awesome. He was heartbroken. He decided to go on a little bit of a binge to "get it out of his system."
During his binge he met a very flirtatious and attractive woman. So attractive, in fact, that he actually danced for the better part of the two or so hours that they were on the dance floor. The rest of the time they spent kissing and rubbing against each other in non-dancing way. They retired to the bar for some drinks and barstool "snuggling". Leaving the bar hand in hand he was pretty sure that he would get the sadness of the poetry loss out of his system and possibly even some new inspiration.
The next morning he left her apartment very concerned. During the course of the evening he had developed some red markings on his shmengy. He went to friend who worked at a pharmacy and therefore was a medical expert to take a gander at his friend and let him know if he thought there should be concern. The pharmacist friend told him he did not have to look at his genitals to tell him that any strange markings were always a sign of concern. At least to him. But sometimes people get things in their heads and are unwilling to let them go. Later that night there was a pantaloon-drop and peek.
The pharmacist, who was already uncomfortable with the whole shebang, took a good hard look. At least that's the phrasing that makes us laugh hardest at the bar when we recount this story. Then he asked a question that is normally reserved for strangers in dark alleys after the Pride Parade.
"Uh, could you rub it for a sec."
"What?"
"With some, oh God, uh, something wet."
"Like what?"
"Um, spit or a sponge or something."
The order was followed and the answer to the ailment was found.
I'll get back to this story in a minute. Before the "punch line" I would like to discuss the non-resigning of Ron Rivera as the defensive coordinator fro the Bears. I won't say that it was a mistake because that will be determined by play on the field in the next year or so. I will say that it was unnecessary. A little like making your way to the top of the Sears tower and then spending money to look back down to where you were with giant, immobile binoculars. Or a doctor leaving th room while you get naked.
There are one of two things that this could relate to. The first, as in all sports discussions, is money. By not resigning Rivera there is more money for Lovie. That's alright I suppose but it begs the question of who then becomes the cheapest owner in the Windy City, McCaskey or Wirtz? This man put together one of the best defenses in the league and despite there inability to change a gameplan at halftime they have been top ten for three straight years now with Rivera as their coordinator.
The second option is that the Bears (or Lovie who has built some considerable clout) are sick and tired of hearing about the '85 Bears. Rivera was known for having former '85 Bears players "bless" the team before each season. He would often invite them to give the defense a pep-talk before games and during practices. Enough so that it seemed to loose some of it's specialness. During the weeks leading up to the Superbowl, we heard more about the '85 Bears in this town than the '06 Bears. That may have been too much for the organization.
Either way, he is now in San Diego as a linebacker coach after interviewing for four head coaching jobs. Our new coordinator is Bob Babich, longtime friend to Lovie Smith and the world has continued to turn. Time will tell if this was a good move but I believe that this was just a move. Sometimes, like my binocular analogy above, you just need to know. But sometimes you are missing a spectacular view by not looking around with your own eyes. On the other hand, maybe the doctor doesn't inadvertently laugh at the patient's Scooby-Doo boxer shorts at the wrong time.
The ailment, by the way, was lipstick. Curable with a shower and some scrubbing.
My friend was an outstanding writer. Specifically, a poet. he submitted some pieces to the New Yorker as some sort of amateur contest. He was one of the four finalists that gets published. He wound up an honorable mention. I thought it was awesome. He was heartbroken. He decided to go on a little bit of a binge to "get it out of his system."
During his binge he met a very flirtatious and attractive woman. So attractive, in fact, that he actually danced for the better part of the two or so hours that they were on the dance floor. The rest of the time they spent kissing and rubbing against each other in non-dancing way. They retired to the bar for some drinks and barstool "snuggling". Leaving the bar hand in hand he was pretty sure that he would get the sadness of the poetry loss out of his system and possibly even some new inspiration.
The next morning he left her apartment very concerned. During the course of the evening he had developed some red markings on his shmengy. He went to friend who worked at a pharmacy and therefore was a medical expert to take a gander at his friend and let him know if he thought there should be concern. The pharmacist friend told him he did not have to look at his genitals to tell him that any strange markings were always a sign of concern. At least to him. But sometimes people get things in their heads and are unwilling to let them go. Later that night there was a pantaloon-drop and peek.
The pharmacist, who was already uncomfortable with the whole shebang, took a good hard look. At least that's the phrasing that makes us laugh hardest at the bar when we recount this story. Then he asked a question that is normally reserved for strangers in dark alleys after the Pride Parade.
"Uh, could you rub it for a sec."
"What?"
"With some, oh God, uh, something wet."
"Like what?"
"Um, spit or a sponge or something."
The order was followed and the answer to the ailment was found.
I'll get back to this story in a minute. Before the "punch line" I would like to discuss the non-resigning of Ron Rivera as the defensive coordinator fro the Bears. I won't say that it was a mistake because that will be determined by play on the field in the next year or so. I will say that it was unnecessary. A little like making your way to the top of the Sears tower and then spending money to look back down to where you were with giant, immobile binoculars. Or a doctor leaving th room while you get naked.
There are one of two things that this could relate to. The first, as in all sports discussions, is money. By not resigning Rivera there is more money for Lovie. That's alright I suppose but it begs the question of who then becomes the cheapest owner in the Windy City, McCaskey or Wirtz? This man put together one of the best defenses in the league and despite there inability to change a gameplan at halftime they have been top ten for three straight years now with Rivera as their coordinator.
The second option is that the Bears (or Lovie who has built some considerable clout) are sick and tired of hearing about the '85 Bears. Rivera was known for having former '85 Bears players "bless" the team before each season. He would often invite them to give the defense a pep-talk before games and during practices. Enough so that it seemed to loose some of it's specialness. During the weeks leading up to the Superbowl, we heard more about the '85 Bears in this town than the '06 Bears. That may have been too much for the organization.
Either way, he is now in San Diego as a linebacker coach after interviewing for four head coaching jobs. Our new coordinator is Bob Babich, longtime friend to Lovie Smith and the world has continued to turn. Time will tell if this was a good move but I believe that this was just a move. Sometimes, like my binocular analogy above, you just need to know. But sometimes you are missing a spectacular view by not looking around with your own eyes. On the other hand, maybe the doctor doesn't inadvertently laugh at the patient's Scooby-Doo boxer shorts at the wrong time.
The ailment, by the way, was lipstick. Curable with a shower and some scrubbing.
Feb 19, 2007
Baseball news
The five words that let you know baseball season is right around the corner... No, it's not "Pitchers and catchers report tomorrow".
It's "Ken Griffey injures himself again".
Insert the words Kerry Wood as well, and you've got yourself a baseball season!
Meanwhile, rules changes for the first time in about a decade. Most are kind of silly, for instance, you can't scuff a baseball anymore. There's also some kind of shot clock now for pitchers. 12 seconds. So what's the penality to say, a Steve Traxel, who will be violating this new rule on every pitch? Automatic walk? Traxel, so long, buddy.
Under another change, a player may no longer step into a dugout to catch a foul ball. He still will be allowed to reach into a dugout. But can't go in it. Why? Dumb new rule. There's advertising there - why wouldn't we want to see that?
Or how about this one: You must run the bases out in a game ending home run if there are two outs, and a man on base. Because the man who doesn't run is considered a third out - or something - and the home run does not count. Imagine what's going to happen in Detroit when on a late night game at the end of the 17th inning - this happens when Neifi doesn't advance, and instead dogs it to the duggout to hug his teammates, creating the third out. Then the ump will call him out, and point out the new rule. How much blood will spill before this rule is taken out again?
Wrong! Neifi will never be on second, because that assumes that he somehow got a double with two outs!
Also - No mention or advancement of the strike zone enforcement. This is probably the biggest problem facing the game - and nothing even mentioned! But if there's a rain out, when a game is tied in the bottom of the fifth inning or later and is called because of weather, it will be suspended and resumed before the next scheduled game between the teams at the same ballpark.
Question posed? Do any of these changes make the game better? Are they at all needed?
Apparently there are also some scoring changes, but since the article I was reading to GET this information kind of ended there, I have no idea what these scoring changes actually are.
http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/sports/16718419.htm
So I looked it up and it's mostly how to score the A.J. Pierzynski third strike, steal home stuff that decided the Sox winning the World Series a couple years back. Maybe you heard about it from some South Side Chicago folks?
Well it oughta be an interesting pile of garbage until Mid August when a couple teams start ramping up and winning some games. Looking forward to making my picks, and then licking my wounds in October.
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