Reflections from a GOP Mudpuddle

After realizing that I was watching an actual GOP debate, and not the longest SNL skit in the history of the program - I was surprised how little I really understood how these candidates stacked up against each other. I took the hit, I stayed with it, so that I could give you, my two readers, the opinions and conclusions I have come up with for the GOP hopefuls.

First off, the general theme, and the subtext of the entire Republican platform is "Taking America Back" the part that's only most of the banner. The part that was cut off is, "Taking America Back, not forward." And that's better explained by a look at the candidates...

Mitt Romney: He's Al Gore and George Bush rolled into one candidate. He's got the same daddy issues that Al and George had, and he's been genetically designed to win the Presidency - right down to the rehearsed stutter. He's very complex, without looking complex - how can you with that Reed Richard's haircut? He's kind of the Häagen-Dazs of the Republican Party. He looks great, but it's a phony made made up name and product. And there's some glaring issues that the red state voters can't seem to get over - socialized medicine passed while he was governor of Massachusetts and his religion isn't the right brand of Jesus. Republicans prefer Dairy Queen or Baskin Robins 31 Flavors. Oh, and he's still married to his wife - which is so 20th century.

Newt Gingrich: He's the Retro Candidate for a party that wants to go backwards. He wants to go so far back, he's a history professor. But his knowledge of the past seems a tad fuzzy, and leaves out important parts, like the day after Israel was created, and when he sat down with Nancy Pelosi in favor of cap-and-trade, and a few hundred other things that he hopes everyone else doesn't remember. And for people who can't remember, he's more than willing to open his mouth and say something to offend and piss folks off. That's fine, and even a requirement. if you're running for VICE President... not so much if you're the front runner. And in this race, that's had a shelf life of gallon of gas station milk.

Ron Paul: Is considered the "crazy" and "fringe" candidate because he's talking about REAL issues and solutions to actual problems that the other candidates are either a) not aware of or b) are completely ignoring on purpose. Ron Paul doesn't follow the narrative of "going backward" -- he's telling the truth and the other candidates are standing there with their fingers in their ears wondering why so many people are listening to him. They even wondered that on stage last night.

Rick Perry: Jesus's best friend, Rick Perry is George Bush, but with out the poise, nuance and intelligence. Friend in Jesus but not His message - apparently his brand of Christianity skips over Mathew 25.35 "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me." Rick Perry guts social programs, and executes retarded people... in fact, I don't think Rick's heard many of the quotes in Mathew. Golden rule, don't judge lest ye be judged...? 


Rick Santorum: If the GOP race was a game show, he would have been the first guy to get knocked out. He would have missed the first 'gimme' question, or would have failed the physical challenge.

Michelle Bachmann: "What they said, but I'm the girl." She fired a couple zingers at "Newt Romney" last night, but capped it by saying "WIN" too much. WIN - I kept remembering it was Gerald Ford's answer to stagflation.

Herman Cain: "Hey, if John Edwards could father children on the campaign trail, while cheating on his wife who was dying of cancer - I'll get along scott free. I mean, the media wouldn't dare attack a strong African Male.... would they?" I suppose he's finally figured out that only applies to Democrats. He's officially out now, and not on stage last night.

John Huntsman: John McCain of 2011 Republican Race. The GOP tried moderate last time. How'd that work out for them?  How's it working for John right now? The only people who like John Huntsman are Democrats. Let's repeat that, if Democrats are the only supporters you have - you're not going to be invited on stage.