Nov 27, 2009

Black Friday 2059

Another day after Thanksgiving - or in every retailer, Black Friday.

Folks went shopping yesterday, and at again at 3:00 AM to get... well, I don't know what they were getting, but it couldn't have been worth it.

Typically, a store offering a shinny trinket for $1.99 off retail will only have two of that particular item, and one of them is almost always broken.

It's not like they're giving it away? Are they? And their strategy is to get you into the store so that you only have time to shop at the one store.

And they still call it "door buster" even after those people died in a Wal Mart store last year.

By shopping on black Friday you are basically valuing money over your time.

If you value your time more than money it is a waste.

If you have more time than money it might make sense to shop then.

If you have more money than time it is a waste. - bg2500

Got me thinking... what will this be like in 50 years?

By November 27, 2059, Black Friday camping out had accidentally morphed into a type of adult Easter egg hunt - which had eventually been renamed 'The Turkey Hunt.' It became the last vestige or remnant of American capitalism. It was an easy transition, since African Americans were suing every retailer because of the offensive moniker given to the day. It did not matter that the original name meant that it was the first day a retailer made money that fiscal year... because logic was never the problem - since a persons feelings were hurt, and not hurting someone's feelings was infinitely more important than logic.

The holiday started on the 31st of October, with costumes and candy - and pumpkin decorations to prepare for the Day of the Turkey Hunt. The day before the hunt, a large meal was served, lots of carbs, to get ready for battle. It was the sport of the strong, the tough - the females. They were known as the Lions... since the Lions always played on Turkey Day. Rarely did a male participate. He would sit nervously watching the live feeds from the local stores to see how his wife or daughters fared.

On Turkey Hunt Day, customers would compete by having to scour the stores for the hidden trinket that was featured Pre-Turkey Hunt day announcement. Except that the advertisement was referred to as 'the map.' The CEO of every store dutifully announced the sale items and cryptic clues to the location of each of their store's Golden Pickle. Days, maybe weeks before, retailers would leak clues on their Facebook* and Twitter* (*or their 2059 equivalent) sites dropping hints on where the prized idols might be located. There will be social circles comparing and sharing, and even giving false information as to where the prizes are located. Think Beanie Babies, but in one-on-one, store-to-store basis.

It was a Golden Pickle - because, thirty years ago, and quite accidentally - The Home OfficeDepot offered a pickle to represent the last decoration placed on the old Christmas tree as their Turkey Hunt item. The Home OfficeDepot explained to their customer base that in old World Germany, it was carefully hidden deep into the tree. And adding to the lore, legend had it that the observant child who found it on the 25th was blessed an entire year of good fortune and a special gift. Because of the significance - and due to the war between Asia and Africa that created an extreme shortage of goods and wears - the HomeOffice Depot staff hid the few pickles it had in stock. They hid them in bags of concrete. It was the hardest Turkey Hunt item to find in the history of the 'sport.' The next year, every single store only offered a single Golden Pickle. No one questioned it after that. The Hunt was on.

When the prize of the box store was found, the bidding wars assembled around Mrs. Indiana Jones as she stood in line. This also became an intricate part of the game. Some of the folks even admitted that they never even looked for the prize; they only lie in wait for the winner to get in line to pay. The bidders offered outlandish compensation for the finder's wares. The second phase sometimes got out of hand, resulting in multiple stabbings until the stores finally had to offer private security for the 'winners.' Some times, the prize changed hands up to twenty times before the winner walked out the door - escorted by her security detail.

The prize, once purchased, elevated in value. It was considered the 'best present' ever, and children or loved ones who received that one gift were guaranteed happiness throughout the year - that is until next year's Winter Solstice Day Celebration...

Behind the curtain, the $1.99 golden pickle had no actual value or fuctionality, and since every store has one - slightly different, with their store logo prominently displayed - eventually only purchasing or achieving an entire collection of ALL the golden pickles from ALL the box stores could an individual achieve total happiness. Subsequently, the idea of giving these items away at the end of the solar cycle became Blasphemous. Which in 2059 meant a bad or poorly executed joke.

Entire industries were created to collect all the previous year's pickles, and from multiple stores. The Christmas trees and bowling trophies of a century ago will be set aside to prominently display the family's pickle collection. Great Grandma's Super Wal-Mart pickle of 2048 became the prize of the last will and testament and was expected to be handed down for generations.

There was also a vast black market for counterfeit pickles. In fact, it was the counterfeits that caused it all to end. When the CVSWalgreen's Pickle Scandal was the top blog story of 2063, it was revealed that there seemed to be more CVSWalgreen's Pickles registered than actual CVSWalgreen's stores... which will be an amazing claim since every other store will be CVSWalgreen's by then. There was an amazing crash that took down the entire financial system, because the entire economy revolved around Turkey Hunt Day and the three month period surrounding it. At once, consumers who flocked to the stores to compete and participate considered staying home... which was devastating! The house of cards were falling. As more people questioned the actual value of their Pickles, eBayWall St. suffered its greatest one-day loss, and with it, the bubble burst.

The three month Pumpkin Turkey Hunt Day for the Solstice Celebration finally hit its peak in America. It was all downhill from there.

1 comment:

Jason Woods said...

"Stupid Thanksgiving. I wish I could go to work."