Mitt's Problems

Yesterday, John McCain stood on stage and endorsed his rival from 4 years ago. There was very little love on that stage, but Mitt got his endorsement. In public. Read More

2% of Americans Thought Mitt Romney’s
First Name is “Mittens” Photo: Ethan Miller

Meanwhile, Mr. Obama's campaign advisers plan to paint Mitt Romney as a protector of Wall Street who is out of touch with the middle class and as a flip-flopper. Read More Which, once I read the article I thought, well isn't that going to be Mitt's campaign plan against Mr. Obama?

Which got me thinking - why did Mitt only get 8 votes more than the Candidate De Jour Rick "Please don't google image search me" Santorum? There's a definite backlash and anti-Mitt feeling out there with the GOP faithful. It's easy enough to just chalk the "anyone but Mitt" sentiment to the wrong brand of Jesus - he's a Mormon. But that's lazy.

So, in a move that's pointedly not lazy, I played the Day-After-Post-Caucus film in my head a couple times - and decided to try to figure it out.

First, and foremost, Mitt is the GOP's Al Gore. He's kind of flip-floppy. He has a record, that he doesn't really want to talk about. And he can't convince folks that he's not genetically engineered for the job -- and, like Al Gore, and George W. Bush -- he won't be able to. He was.

But other than the legacy and tired rants about the oligarchy, let's look past the haircut. Actually, that's kind of hard. Why? Because it was selected by a committee of his political handlers that surround the candidate. Hell, they probably had a market research group come in to compare hair cuts. "Which one of these says, 'vote for me, I'm trustworthy?'" "C - the Reed Richards with the white on the sides." But it's not just the haircut, it's only part of the overlying problem. Then I figured it out:

Voting for Mitt Romney is like voting for your boss.

Imagine your boss, maybe not your current employer, but a boss you may have had. He comes to you and your co-worker crew late one shift. Probably on a Friday, just before quitting time. Before the paychecks are handed out. Suddenly you hear the Owner is here, with his wife and family - whom you've never seen. Suddenly he hands out a pamphlet and asks for your support for something. Maybe it's a United Way campaign, maybe he wants you to buy his daughter's cookies? Either way, you certainly don't have the cash - you hate the politics of the United Way - and you're indignent that your millionaire boss is waiting for his wage slaves to pass the hat. You reluctantly decide that you'll probably get fired if you don't put something in, but you're choking back bile every step of the way. Especially since the Assistant Manager Mrs. Brownose whips her checkbook out first and stares down everyone else while writing the check.

That's what it feels like to vote for Mitt Romney.

That's why EVERYONE else running has been surging to the top for a good examination under the microscope. Even the Newt Gingrich surge makes sense in this context. Because, believe me, that didn't make sense - not even for a minute.

Romney's real first name, for the official record, is Willard — Mitt is his middle name.