Florida

We once had our chance. I am no history buff nor do I pretend to understand the zeitgeist of my own countries history. I am especially lacking in Civil War history. I even took some time to mock the lovers of the Civil War in my very first post. I do understand that the war was more about secession than any other issue of the day (Slavery, I am looking at you). That said, I would like to take a very unpopular (or maybe not) stance, we should have allowed the secession of Florida.

I bring this up because today on my "This day in history" pop-up thing on my computer has today's item as, "1861 Florida secedes - Florida becomes the third state to secede from the Union when a state convention votes 62 to 7 in favor of the measure." Imagine this, I say quietly to myself before I start blogging about it, we could have been rid of Florida, the state that has been the biggest liability to democracy, 145 years ago?

Florida was the third state to secede the Union. After South Carolina and Mississippi and before Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas. After some apparent arm-twisting Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North Carolina also jumped ship to form the 11 states of the Confederacy. If you think about it, what would have lost? I understand that the precedence was bad. That if a state could simply secede everytime they disagreed with policy there would be a bad situation. I am not the historical buff here, however, just a guy trying to say we should have not worried about precedents in this case and let Florida go. Lincoln probably just went with the odds, he wanted 10 of the states.

Besides the voting issues and the Kathleen Harris issue, Florida has many other strikes against it. I feel it my blogging duty to point some of them out. There is a large, pink, swampy, touristy, penis-shaped, cheap-flights-on-Southwest elephant in our room and I feel a need to point it out.

Strike One: In 1970 the state of Florida made the moonstone the official state gem. The moonstone is not naturally found in Florida (or on the moon for that matter).

Strike Two: Lack of originality. They have two rivers named Withlacoochee (not named by the current Florida residents, they are not that original) one in Madison county and one in central Florida. They have nothing in common. Except the name.

Strike three: this. An actual museum BTW.

Strike four(we are doing a whole inning): the need to have a law that specifically prohibits its citizens from having "relations" with a porcupine. What backwater, nerve-less redneck caused this law to be enacted? How was it taken seriously by the state lawmakers? Did they debate it on the floor? Was it an issue of the day? "My opponent is for porking porcupines! I am anti-rodent banging." As a side note but also related, in Florida it is also illegal to have sex in any position but missionary, illegal to have oral sex, and illegal to kiss your own wife's breasts. Probably accounts for them being 42 state in divorce rate.

Strike five: The damn Marlins that beat my beloved Cubbies in the 2003 NLCS. Now instead of only being negative, I will say if Florida were part of a different country there would be three countries contending for the World Series. That said, the Marlins do have the best logo in baseball. A giant, singular F.

Strike six: Jeb! Besides his rigging of elections, which I promised not to mention, Jeb in a mystical warrior named Chang. After a ceremony naming Marco Rubio (R-West Miami) as house speaker, Jeb released the Chang. From gainsville.com here are the words "spoken before hundreds of lawmakers and politicians" by Bush.

"Chang is a mystical warrior. Chang is somebody who believes in conservative principles, believes in entrepreneurial capitalism, believes in moral values that underpin a free society.

I rely on Chang with great regularity in my public life. He has been by my side and sometimes I let him down. But Chang, this mystical warrior, has never let me down."

Bush then unsheathed a golden sword and gave it to Rubio as a gift.

This is the great white hope of the republican party in 2008? And they call Democrats out of touch? One of the most powerful men in Florida sometimes disappoints his sword? And he calls it Chang? That's the coolest name he could think of for his mystical warrior sword? Damn, if I had a mystical warrior sword I would call it something much cooler like Snarksque. Hell, he is rich, call up Peter Jackson and get some help. Or just read some crappy fantasy novels. Hey, here is a link to a name generator. Whatever you do get some damn help.

Strike seven: It is illegal to fart in public after 6PM. Sort of the anti-Claudius law. Make sure that all your flatulence is done pre-dinnertime when visiting Disney.

Strike Eight: They 'X' out their own seal on the state flag.

Strike Nine: Delta Burke ~ Miss Florida 1974. If there were more outs in an inning I would give this web site a strike, too.

Inning over.