Feb 11, 2012

My Star Wars Prequels : The Clone Wars

Ah, Star Wars...

With all this talk about Star Wars 3D coming out - yet another grab at my wallet by Lucas - The failure of Jar Jar, the Greedo 'always' shot first comment in the Hollywood Reporter today... ugh... Just got me thinking of 'my' version of Star Wars - that I came up with when I was 6.

Opening crawl: There's a Clone War on, and it's the Mandilorians in their armor vs the remains of the Old Republic... That's a billion Boba Fetts vs. The Jedi. Light Sabers vs. Blasters. That's all you gotta' know.

It starts with old man Anakin (no less than 40 years old) flying his large garbage hauler with some other dudes, and accidentally his hyperdrive pops off in the middle of a giant space battle. Obi Wan crashes into the garbage ship - and recruits the crew to be his men. That's right, he makes them Jedi. On the spot. (Recruit, transcript, Mind Trick... whatever works) Anakin shines above the rest, seeing his chance to get out of his crummy job and become a war hero.

In their first adventure, it's a spectacular battle to save a Princess of a doomed world, Obi Wan and Anakin both fall in love with her (the Luke + Leia parallel) in the rescue.

Anakin becomes a spectacular pilot and uses the Force in unique and dangerous ways. He can push enemy Slave 1 ships into each other, pull off Mandilorian jet packs, and throw loose items into the advancing armor clad enemies.

Eventually Obi Wan singles out Anakin and gives him 'extra' training - something the other recruits don't learn in their Force training... and Anakin dives right in... but soon decides it isn't enough. He wants, craves, more power. He learns about the Dark Side, and with the war on, Obi Wan doesn't have time to send Anakin for proper Yoda training on Dagobah.

Princess Amadala and the Jedi love triangle ends with Anakin going to the Dark Side to defeat Obi Wan and win his girl's heart. Ooops! It doesn't work out as planned - she likes Ben- decides to marry him. Anakin tricks her to thinking that he's Obi Wan on the honeymoon (not too far fetched, since King Arthur's Dad did this) and ta-da you get the two twins!

Obi Wan burns Anakin up for this treachery, but he survives the battle. The Princess and Ben hide on Dagobah. Yoda knows what's going on, even though he's never left. He's got the Force, you know? Amadala gives birth in Yoda's hut (Luke remembers it when he lands there!) and Obi Wan sends her away (with the Droids) to live safely on Alderan... she eventually dies there (we don't need to see that since it's resolved in conversation on Endor).

Meanwhile, Obi Wan is so pissed off (in a Zen non-angry Jedi way) so he decides to hide out and protect Luke from Vader - hoping to one day use Luke as the ultimate weapon against him. ... which is exactly what worked out. And it's a double bonus - he get's his payback by saving the galaxy because remember, Jedi don't get revenge, they get even.

And why not hide on a dust ball of a planet that Vader would have zero reason to go to? How about Ben's brother Owen's house? Tatooine! Sure 3P-O said it was his first job, but he was also trying to get off that Jawa Transport.

If you HAVE to see any other characters - you could have Jedi Wookies, and there's the lesser roll with Yoda. C3-PO would have been Amadala's protocol droid, and R2 would have been Anakin's on that garbage ship.... Remember in the original three stories the two Droids are the storytellers -- it's all from their perspective, something completely lost in the prequels.

There's no robot armies, no Trade Group nonsense, no air breathing talking fish people, no galactic C-SPAN. Just a bunch of Jedi and Boba Fetts blasting the hell out of each other as the love triangle story plays out.

The Emperor and all other storylines happen off screen... just like the original three. The Clone Wars are the backdrop while the first two movies happen. The Jedi are decimated, and by the time Vader rises at the beginning of episode 3, he's in his full black armor searching for Obi Wan and his wife and taking down the remaining Jedi. He's searching for Obi Wan just like he's looking for Luke in Empire. And he's pissed. The Jedi try to protect Obi Wan, and die doing it. The Emperor rises because, well, he's enjoying all this, and can even be playing both sides of the Clone War the way Lucas has him doing it. He wins either way... but my version makes him rise because of the power vacuum that Vader created -- there aren't any more Jedi Knights to protect the fragments of the Republic. The Emperor then creates the Stormtrooper army to fill the void - with the spoils of war, the Cloning tanks. And this story makes the Death Star(s) an absolute necessity to keep control, not a luxury public works project.

We know nothing of the Rebellion until we see Leia's ship when it's introduced in Episode 4.

Maybe I'll put that on Kickstarter and do what JJ Abrams called his reboot of Star Trek... an "Alternate Timeline."

PS - Boba Fett would be the last of the Clones, and he's an old man reduced to being a bails bondsman, so his being tossed into the sarlac pit in Jedi becomes an appropriate death, not a limp death to an iconic character.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This version is so much better than the nonsense that was presented in Episodes 1-3!

By the way, I enjoy this blog, discovered it early December, read it daily! Keep it up. Usually agree with the opinions, not 100%, but it makes me think about things in a different way. Thanks!