Oh, look what I just got in the mail bag... spam! Not just spam - delicious bacon smoked spam...
"It is your work that enhances your worth
Its me Mrs Rosemary King, i want to donate what I have to the needy. You could be surprised why i picked you. But someone has to do it.
Who? Capital, 'I' please. Did you pick me because I'm needy? I'm whinny, I don't know that I'm needy...
I am old and living with AIDS AND CANCER.
Wow, bummer. Aids and cancer? What kind of cancer? Sorry, I have to ask. It matters. Breast cancer is corporate funded, because it isn't your fault and those pink ribbons move product. Lung cancer? Oh, you're a dirty filthy smoker that deserves black death. See, there's a difference. Bummer about the Aids. Funny, why did you capitalize your diseases, but not the proper noun 'I'?
I have been touched to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to charity through you for the good work of humanity, rather than allow my relatives to use my husband's hardened funds inappropriately.
What'd he die of? Just wondering? And what, exactly, are hardened funds? Oh, look you capitalized the I now.
I hope to be forgiven for all my sins and I believe he has, because He is merciful. I have been living with HIV AIDS for years and i know that the disease has no cure therefore i will surely die.
Whom is this 'He' you are evoking? Your dead husband? Oh, and AIDS is totally treatable and manageable if you can afford it. Just ask Magic Johnson.
I have made up my mind to give out (Fifteen million united state dollars) towards the fight against HIV AIDS and CANCER, and other human related diseases. I want this to be done through you. Part of the money would also be used to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows. Presently, i can not answer calls due to the fact that my relatives are around me and I have been restricted by my doctor from taking telephone calls because I deserve all the rest I can get.
15 Million? You could totally get treated for the Aids, and maybe the cancer too, and still have a couple dollars left. What are related diseases to Cancer and Aids? Pneumonia? That's kind of difficult - do you have more than 15 million?
You doctor won't let you make a phone call, but you're able to write to me? That's a little strange, don't you think?
Presently, I have informed my lawyer about my decision in donating the funds. I wish you all the best and please use the money well and always extend the good work to others. If you are able to carry out this task, I will inform my legal adviser so that he can arrange the release of the funds to you. I know i have never met you but my mind tells me to do this, and I hope you act sincerely. I will pay you a handsome amount of this money if you will assist me because I am now weak to do things myself because of my HIV AIDS.
Presently - yes, everything is in the present, unless you intend to do it in the future, or you did it two days ago, which would then require the past tense of 'informed.' If you're presently doing something - it would be "I'm informing my lawyer..." or maybe, "As I'm dictating this to my lawyer..." You're kind of all over time in this paragraph... you will be doing it, or you have done it? I can't tell.
Wait, am I allowed to buy junk - or do I have to donate it all to AIDS/Cancer research? Can I give it to your deadbeat relatives? You're too weak to type? Perhaps you can dictate it to your lawyer? What happened to your CANCER? Might want to ask your doctor?
NB: I will appreciate your utmost secrecy in this matter until the task is carried out, as I don't want anything that will halter this my last wish Love.
Mrs Rosemary King.
Ooops... posted it on Blasphemes... hope those deadbeat kids don't read it.
PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR FULL NAME, ADDRESS, TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBER ON YOUR REPLY FOR EASY AND IMMEDIATE COMMUNICATION WITH MY CONSULTANT.
Is your consultant different than your lawyer? Sounds like you've got a whole staff over there... maybe you shouldn't worry about your deadbeat family, and worry more about that overbloated staff you've got. Remember the Michael Jackson story? Yeah, his entourage killed him. It could happen to you too, but since you're not treating your HIV or that CANCER - I guess the staff figures nature will just take it's course. Sorry.
Anyhow, please give me more information, like a picture - maybe I can come visit you? I have a feeling that He would want it that way, you know, before I get between charity, deadbeat families and a staff that's counting the seconds for you to pass away. Maybe my readers can come visit you too?