Open Letter-- Rush Delivery

(posted by killre)

I don't even really want to do it.
This is a small site, unlikely to move the needle all that much, but still...
When one rises to the bait and banters with that boastful and bombastic bale of bile, blubber and belligerence that is Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, one unwillingly infuses the bellicose blowhard with a thimbleful of credibility... which is about one fluid ounce more than I'd like.

So, you see, I don't even really want to do it.

And yet...
Mr. Limbaugh on Wednesday was suffering an existential crisis.  Not his existence, mind you.  In the solar system of American conservatism, he... well, if he isn't the sun, he's Jupiter, complete with an eerie, audible, theremin-esque magnetic field you can tune in on your AM radio.  If you don't understand that reference, ask your grandfather.  While you're at it, have him explain what UHF means.

No, Mr. Limbaugh is not worried about himself.  He's worried about all those chunks of rock and frozen gas that whirl around him, their every move predicated by the way his ratings warp space-time.  In other words, the Republican Party.

The operative word in Grand Old Party, you see, is Old.  The party's backbone --and indeed most of the rest of the skeleton, muscles, vital organs and skin-- is aging white men.  Aging white men are not just a collection of people dying a slow, painful, undignified death; they are, as a demographic group, sliding inexorably toward the endangered species list.

What Tuesday night's election results (and recent census data) showed is not only do blacks, Hispanics, young voters and women favor Barack Obama specifically and Democrats generally, but most of those demographic groups are on the rise and will continue to become more important with each passing electoral cycle.  If the meat and potatoes of the Republican Party continues to be aging white men, said party is doomed to become the Whigs of the 21st century.  If you don't understand that reference, don't worry: no one else does, either... and that's precisely the point.

Hence, Mr. Limbaugh's existential crisis.  On Wednesday's show, he bloviated:

"Clarence Thomas!  [pause]  Herman Cain!  None of it counts!  [pause]  Don't tell me the Republican Party doesn't have outreach; we do.  But what are we supposed to do, now, we s'posed to, in order to get the Hispanic or Latino vote, does that MEAN [pause] open the borders and EMBRACE [pause] the illegals, is that what?  I, I want you to think about this!"

(sigh)

To:  Mr. Rush Limbaugh

Dear Sir,
One reason why "none of it counts" with Hispanics might be that you just named two black guys.  I realize they are one shade of brown and many Hispanics are another shade of brown, but that doesn't make them the same.  Hispanics don't count Clarence Thomas or Herman Cain as Hispanic.  Probably because they aren't.

While we're on the topic of blacks, though... According to the 2010 census, there are more than forty-two million (42,000,000) people in this country who identify themselves as African-American, wholly or in part.  You just named two (2).  I understand the difficulty in naming black Republicans.  I can only name five myself, and you helped me with two of them: Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice; former Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele; Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas; former presidential candidate Herman Cain; and (outgoing) Florida Congressman Allen West.

I can literally count them on one hand.  One, two, three, four, five... and half of them are crazy.  Herman Cain: moderately crazy.  Allen West: certifiable; coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs(tm); absolutely bat-guano bonkers.  Clarence Thomas: probably nuts, but at least he has enough sense to keep his mouth shut.  (Seriously, the guy hasn't said a word since his confirmation hearings.  Not one.)

I don't know who you're arguing with over the Republican Party's "outreach," but I'll tell you what you say you don't want to be told: It doesn't have any.  The last member of your party who tried to get more blacks to vote Republican was Michael Steele, which is one big reason why one so often hears the word "former" in front of Steele's old job title.  You guys dislike the poor guy so much he couldn't even get a job at Fox News.  He had to go to MSNBC.  That's right, he went from being a token black in the Republican Party to being a token Republican on the Obama Network.  There, I said it so you didn't have to.

Oh, I just thought of one more black Republican: Ron Christie.  I'm convinced, though, that the only reason his skin is so brown is because once upon a time he had his nose so far up George W. Bush's [turd blossom] that Chris Mathews had to bring Pat Buchanan onto his show to argue with Christie from his left!

Now, on to Hispanics.  You say want to know, Mr. Limbaugh, whether or not the Republican Party, in an unthinkable and desperate gamble to survive, will have to open the border and embrace Latino immigrants.  My answer: Maybe, but let's start with baby steps.

Try not using the word "illegal," especially as a noun.  It's an adjective.  Feel free to look that up.  What's more, while it may be an accurate adjective, it's one the majority of Hispanics don't like, be they citizen or squatter.  (You already knew that, of course.  You and I both know you're just using it to be a prick, the same way you say "Democrat Party" instead of "Democratic Party," just to get on blue nerves.  Speaking personally, it works... but that doesn't make you any less petty and childish for doing it.)  You can afford to use the word "undocumented" instead of "illegal."  Everybody will still know who you mean, you'll just lose fewer votes.  That is what you wanted, wasn't it?

Besides, it's impossible to "open the border and embrace the illegals."  If you open the border, they're not illegal anymore.  If you can't wrap your head around that one, just ask Ronald Reagan.

Yours truly,
Fletcher Christian

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P.S.... Bud "Great, Now I Have To Google 'Fletcher Christian'" Selig must go.