No Nukes On You

Obama has made limits on when and who the U.S. can bomb into a glass parking lot.

WASHINGTON -- President Obama said Monday that he was revamping American nuclear strategy to substantially narrow the conditions under which the United States would use nuclear weapons, even in self defense.

The strategy eliminates much of the ambiguity that has deliberately existed in American nuclear policy since the opening days of the Cold War... when we wanted to bomb everybody, mostly for lookin' at us strangely at the bar. So, for the first time, the United States is explicitly committing not to use nuclear weapons against non-nuclear states that are in compliance with the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, even if they attacked the United States with biological or chemical weapons, or launched a crippling cyberattack... so noted everyone who hates America.

Now, this goes against just about everything America has done in regards to our previous foreign policy. It's what I lovingly call the "Crazy Old Man" foreign policy. For example, Ronald Reagan, who has - rightfully- been given credit for ending the Cold War using this strategy. The Russians were so afraid of the 'Crazy Old Man' that they absolutely had no way of judging his act as genuine, insane, just an act, dementia (which would have been the correct wager) or all the above, on any given Sunday. I mean, here's a guy throwing money at the military, talking about orbiting lasers to shoot down missiles, and placing mid range missiles on the German boarder - while simultaneously yelling to tear down the Berlin Wall. Crazy. So the Russians threw up their hands and said, "I hate playing Risk with this guy!"

This is one of the main reasons I thought McCain was going to get it for a while. If anything, just for another rendition of the Crazy Old Man foreign policy act. You know, our leader's more nuts than your leader kind of chess.

It's also a sad day for American Rednecks, as they will no longer just be able to offer their delicate foreign policy advice which has been a steady chanting of, "I say, just nuke 'em!" for over 60 years.