Pre Lit Trees

Pre-lit trees?

How lazy am I?

How lazy are you?

So last night - as the Thanksgiving period ended, and the inevitable comment...
"Hey, let's get the tree out - looks like the Johnsons have all their crap up already..."

Damn it.

I don't know about you, but we've got our Winter Solstice Holiday trinkets pretty well
hidden in nooks and crannies of the abode. This means crawling through asbestos clouds in the attic to pull out a box which may or may not contain any actual chauchkies.

Then comes the dance of the furniture. As I don't have a large place to live - things and items are fairly well in their place. Any additional items require the movement of other things. For instance - placing a large fake evergreen pine in the corner of the house requires two couches to move, along with heavy wood items that hold drinks for when I'm sitting in one of the two couches.

And, wouldn't you know, there's a layer of dust under these items that are now visible so therefore must be eliminated henceforth.

Now I gotta get the fuggin' vacuum cleaner out too.

After much huffing and puffing and moving the house around - now we're ready to assemble the plastic pipe cleaner item for hanging smaller plastic or glass novelties.

Follow the common sense. Work your way up. One must now "fluff" the various "branches" to make it look "realistic."

Now the lights must be hung. Luckily I'm out - as I've never accomplished this task to satisfaction. Now I sit back and untangle the strings of lights. I plug them in - inspect for burnouts... much like the local mall HR department weeding through prospective candidates for Santa.

Oh sh*t. I have half a line on the last string not responding. Must be one bad apple - can't be caught with this much fail... Dang. Too late.

Now I am faced with a dilemma. I realize it's not Sophie's Choice - but it's a dilemma that has been brewing for the past three Christmases. "We should just get the pre-lit tree!"

I disagree.

It's only two months a year that this stupid contraption is placed in our front window to disprove to our neighbors that we're not the Pagan Atheist Jewish Muslim Satan worshipers that they think we are. I'm not going to spend any more dollars on the green ornament rack than the dollars that have already been expended.

I suggest that I try to "fix" the string of lights that have failed. As that argument didn't fly - I suggest that we simply purchase another string of lights. This suggestion is tempered by glaring apprehension. I question why this solution is not reasonable to the other parties.

"Won't match"

I ponder this argument, as I desperately attempt to prevent any gray matter to liquefy and simply pour out of my ear. I ask for clarification.

"I bought these years ago. What are the chances of the new ones matching the old ones? It just won't. It'll look stupid!"

White lights on a green cable. I can no longer prevent brain damage. I have to continue the queries into the realm that no man should venture into - the Mists of No Logic. Why can't I simply purchase another string?

"No, we'll have to buy three more - just to make sure. And, if we're going to spend that much - we should just get the pre-lit tree then."

First, I believe that the trouble lies in a fuse in the $2.50 string of lights. Possibly even a single bulb that has caused the short in the existing line. A replacement of the bulb should be .02 cents. Second, an attempt at purchasing a new $2.99 string of lights would be a significant savings of $ 183.99 for the cheapest of pre-lit trees at the local Box-Hardware store, right?

"I guess we need to buy all new lights."

No, I'm going to go fix these that we have.

I march into the basement workshop. I grab some pliers and a string of lights that I have in reserve for just this exact sort of thing. If any of you know me, this is why I keep everything.

And this is the excuse I've been looking for to get back to the Bears game.

Almost the end of the first half. Perfect. 4th down on the goal line. Perfect time to pretend to fix some stupid lights.

Grab the pliers - Bears stopped. SMACK. Opps. Pulled a little too hard. Light enclosure shards everywhere. Pretty sure it isn't glass, right?

Okay, grab another one - Ex-Bear Bernard Berrian catches a 99-yard pass - POP. I don't even look up. If I don't see it, maybe it won't exist? Hmmm... somehow I've cut myself. Perhaps I should pick up these glass and plastic shards all over?

Get the fuggin' vacuum cleaner again.

I should concentrate on pulling out all the bulbs from my unused string and replace them into the one I'm trying to fix.

Halftime plus a few plays later. Hmmm... Must be the fuse?

An hour later I return to the decision to purchase new lights. Three all new sets. Success is sweet as I have avoided the pre-lit tree purchase -- however, it has been tabled for next year.