The Killre Method

A few measly days before the Cubs were to begin the post season I was having a chat with Killre. Killre has a history of abandoning the Cubs for a winning team if they make a move that he does not like. In his defense, he picks the team before the season starts. For example, he felt (and is correct) that the Cubs treated Mark Grace poorly in letting him go. He became a Diamondbacks fan for a year and they won it all. Last year, disappointed at the hiring of Lou (he wanted Girardi), he hopped on the Dodgers bandwagon. Having bought a hat, he kept that team for 2 years.

After the latest Cubs Collapse(TM) I have decided to hop the holy heck off of the bandwagon. My reason: I can't take it anymore. I have spent the last few days deciding whose bandwagon to hop onto. After all, I do (or did) love the sport. I am undecided on how to handle this so I would like some help. Below are a list of 5 teams that I am considering switching my allegiance to and the reasons why. Please help me decide.

Florida Marlins:
The Florida Marlins are the type of team that one could enjoy rooting for. First of all, the average ticket price is only $17. Compare that to Wrigley. Cheap. Also, the logo consists of a big god damned 'F' and I, for one, am a big fan of the F. In fact, if I look hard enough I think I have a Marlins hat. I wore it until 2003 made it impossible to do so as a Cub fan. Having taken care of that issue . . .

The Marlins are also fans of a farm system. The process goes like this: Develop talent in the minors while your MLB team sucks. Bring them up when ready, let them get good, win a World Series every 6 years or so and then sell everyone to restock your farm team. This is a good system for me. I get to watch players get better (novel), win (more novel) and then move on to do great things elsewhere. This makes the Sunday Night Baseball better when you could care less about the teams playing. "Hey, remember when he was good for us?" is a quote I could hear myself saying on the occasional Sunday.

Tampa bay Devil Rays:
Maybe too late for this one but here is my logic. No one goes to the freakin' park! The average ticket price is $16.82. A bargain. In fact they would probably give you free tickets if you promise to site where the cameras can make it look like they can fill a stadium. Fans would never be left out in the cold. How could they? All the players know them by name!

Also, they are not the wisest fans in the world so I can sing Go Rays Go! after each home win and no one would be any the wiser except for the rest of the country. And the only reason they would know is because of the elite liberal media. And if you yell fairly loud, you can hear yourself on the broadcast. Shit, they may make you the broadcaster. Another bonus: Anyone who yells, "Whoo! Whoo!" is shot. It is legal in Florida to shoot annoying people. Hell, it's legal to shoot anyone.

Iowa Cubs: This is a good one because it will only cost you about $2 for a Sharpie and just write, in cursive, Iowa on the upper left of all your Chicago Cubs shwag and viola! you are an Iowa Cubs fan. And forget average ticket prices, for $25 you can sit front row behind home plate. You can still yell out all of your favorite Cubbie sayings and no one will think anything of it.

I also like that you get to see players play real well that will suck balls in the MLB. I draw your attention to Corey Patterson. I rest my case. Also, unlike the C-Cubs, the I-Cubs have won it all as recently as 1993 and that is really, really recent for me. Another bonus: the cool-ass outfield seats. I would sit there and it would only cost me $7. One beer at Wrigley. A super extra bonus: if Rod Beck wasn't dead I could go to his trailer drink a Coors Light and use his bathroom. It was an open invite.

Washington Nationals: Look, if your team is going to suck, suck. Don't kick ass then suck, just flat out suck. Which brings me to the Nationals. This is a team that has already announced their ticket prices for next year with the following headline, "reductions on 7,500 ballpark seats and no price increases." Ever see that out of Wrigley? Hell, no. Also, you get to see Presidents throw the first pitch for many games.

Also, with the winning ways of the Rays, it may be harder to be "the man" at that ballpark. No such issue with the Nationals. In fact, you may very well be the only man at the ballpark. With the exception of the managers and players, quite literally.

They have the best audio and visual presentation of any team in baseball just nothing to use it on. Until I show up in a Speedo with a cryptic "I am National" tattooed across my chest. Think about it. I could be that guy. It is important to be that guy because if the team ever does well, everyone interviews you and let's you throw first pitches in your Speedo and sit in the booth with Slowes and Jageler. It could be fun. And face it, I really don't care what happens to the Nationals so I won;t ever be heart broken.

Seibu Lions: This team can win. And no one will ever talk to shit to me about my team because they are miles away. I have no idea how much it would cost to go to a game except that a ticket to Japan is not cheap. Possibly more than a bleacher seat at Wrigley. Outside of the Chicago Bulls of the 1990's I do not think I have ever rooted for a team that was a consistent winner. This is my chance.

A bonus of rooting for the Lions is that I could bring signs in English that make no sense. For example, "Tangerine Baby" would be a sign that I would hold up proudly. Or perchance a "Goosebump Pedicure" sign. I could turn a day at the ballpark into a David Lynch movie.

Other benefits include a shorter season (140 games) and games during the regular season end in a tie. No need for the heart break of losing in extra innings. Smaller baseballs, strike zones and players. I could grow to like it.

So please, help me decide my next team. I will stand by that team until May-ish when I will once again be convinced that now that the Cubs have shored up the middle infield and added an arm, we are shoo-ins for a title. And I do not want to miss it.

P.S. Mr. Daley, next year we do not need to cut off beer sales if the Cubs win. We need to cut that shit off when things o horribly wrong.