Best Treats

Remember that one year? That one awesome year?

We all know that most Halloween candy is made up of small versions of traditional candy bars—the 2 1/2-inch ones—or the minis, which are just an inch. This is called a "fun size" by the candy companies. An adequate taste, but nothing more. But that one time, when you were out walking on Halloween night, you saw a few kids run past you to a house up ahead. Then a few more. And then you ran, because you knew—you knew—that there is great sh*t being given out at that house. Some old upper-middle-class couple with no kids and no real concept of Halloween... They were handing out full-sized candy bars.

This was like winning the Halloween lottery. You grabed one, and ran off to a few more houses, then ran back. You tried to figure out a way to make your costume look different—maybe you switched masks with your buddy. The couple looked confused, but didn't ask why Dracula was wearing a Batman mask, because they weren't sure if it was a new show they haven't heard of, and you grabbed another whole candy bar. Ten minutes later, and you were back, waiting in line with countless other kids who figured out the gold rush was here. The couple told you that this is the last one, and you mumbled agreement as you grabbed it.

It is indeed was the last one, because these people ran out of all of their candy in 30 minutes. They never repeated their mistake ever again. and you probably disturbed them greatly, by revealing that greed is endemic to humanity, even at its most innocent.

But you had three whole candy bars!