Primary Report : New Hampsire

Dateline : New Hampshire
Reporting by Cap'n

Yeah, that's right! I went there to report to you with my own eyes instead of on my massive cellular posterior on the top of my boat.

First thing, is that the minute you get into New Hampshire you're immediately inundated... No, not with campaign buttons - but by Dunkin' Donuts. My God. I've never seen so many Dunkin' Donuts in my life! I think there was a Dunkin' Donuts IN the Dunkin' Donuts I was ordering in. Seriously. Imagine all the McDonald's and Starbucks in your hometown (or if you're rural, all the grain silos) were turned into Dunkin' Donuts - in addition to the Dunkin' Donuts you already have - you'd still not even come close to how many Dunkin' Donuts there are in New Hampshire.

There are a lot of campaign signs in New Hampshire. All but ten of them were for Ron Paul. No, maybe there were a couple for the other candidates - but not many. When I was there, the thaw had begun - and all the signs and massive amounts of snow were floating away. I was impressed by how many Kucinich signs there were. There were really big signs too. Some as big as garage doors.
Every single ad on the radio and TV and every single spot of open ground was an ad for a Presidential candidate. If they could have beamed it straight into your head they would have.

Republican signage & ad proportion: McCain, Romney, Ron Paul. Three Thompsons. I think I might have seen a Rudy. I didn't see any Huckabee signs.
Democrat signage - Obama, Hillary. I think I saw more Kucinich than Edwards... maybe? Edwards sign is dark blue and it's really hard to read in a melting snow bank.

What about New Hampshire?
Apparently New Hampshire is a skiing resort for Boston - much the way that Wisconsin plays tourist trap for Illinois and how Vegas plays to California. I'm not sure, but I'll tell you this - there aren't many people in New Hampshire. And it looks like the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I guess not many people know what the U.P. of Michigan looks like. If it weren't for the events of last Tuesday, I don't think too many people would know what New Hampshire looks like either.

Now do not misquote me here, or leave me a bad comment - all the people of New Hampshire were great! They were friendly and helpful and amazed at the bumper crop of media cicadas that had come to their state this year.

So here's what I've observed...
Going into it, Obama was a ten point leader of the pack. This was unquestionable by everyone. McCain was beating Romney - and nothing else mattered. More on that later...

Hillary was about to fire her entire team from the top down and reorganize her message.
Then she hiccuped a staged cry. Where? At Effin' Dunkin' Donuts!

Clinton was forced to get out of her comfort zone and into a Dunkin Donuts to catch the front-runner, Sen. Barack Obama -- a man she had dismissed as being beneath her political league.

When women asked her how she was doing, Clinton -- whom many have described as being as "tough as nails" -- teared up with emotion.

A moment like that can come out of nowhere. But most women, particularly professional women, know that being unable to control such emotional breakdowns can knock them off a career track.

"Flee if you must," we're told. "But don't ever, ever let the men see you cry."

What they DON'T TELL YOU is that she then turned her head to the next question like nothing happened. It was reminiscent of a gag Nixon used once.... or so I was told by the older folks. The lady that asked Clinton the question in that Dunkin' Donuts was interviewed on the radio - she voted Obama because she witnessed first hand how staged that "moment" was.

So then on the day of the actual primary: Record turn out. There were stories of the Democrats running out of ballots. Well, it was a rumors first, then when it was on CNN. Then it became a fact.

On to the Republicans, oh look, another Dunkin' Donuts!
While I was there I learned that the people of Massachusetts don't like Mitt Romney. My guess is that this sentiment carries over the border to New Hampshire. When Romney was trying to relate to the 'locals', he told them that he owned a summer home in their state. Way to relate. I don't think the townies liked that too much... For some reason? Can't understand why...

Mitt was causing some serious issues with the people I spoke to. See, when Mitt had just been sworn in as the fresh new Governor of Massachusetts he quickly flew off to swoop in to "save the Winter Games!" This has been one of his big platform issues of to illustrate that he has great management skills. (Along with his ninja skills to?) I was told that the Winter Games was already on the mend when Mitt showed up. Mitt stole some thunder to create a plank on his Presidential campaign platform. The other story circulating the local Dunkin' was that he's a real S.O.B. as a manager - with few to zero person skills. Like a Type-A kind of boss. You know? An *sshole. I gather that's kind of a bad rep if you're a politician? The folks of New Hampshire are also keenly aware of his successes and failures, because Massachusetts is so close they not only get their TV stations, but some times the mailman accidentally gives them the wrong mail.

With these two anecdotal stories, the theory going was that the Independents or, rather, the conservatives who have always lived in the "Live Free or Die" state (Isn't it cool? They have that on their license plates!) hate Romney so much that they voted for McCain just to knock that haircut down a peg.

Back to the Dems... Another Dunkin' Donuts. Don' mind if I do!
There have been rumors of voter fraud - unsubstantiated - but rumors nonetheless. Basically, the allegations stem from witnesses of people bussed in from out of State. Again, this has not been verified. Only anecdotal evidence from people in small N.H. towns reporting strangers showing up to vote. But think about that. It's an open voting state. I understand that all you have to do is tell them that you plan to live there someday. "Okay, here's a ballot. Go pick a President."

If I had known this - I would have voted...
But you all know that I live on a boat in International Waters off the coast of ########. (Redacted for my safety)
And, besides, that wouldn't have been fair.

Now the rumors of not enough ballots were starting to make sense. It's not unexpected turnout from the college kids. It's not more people participating in the process - it's blatant voter fraud! Well, at least the Democrats are consistent. How come they don't yell and scream and finger point when they do it though? Too tacky?

Well anyway, the Obama loss - and let's look at those numbers -

Hillary Clinton	Dem	112,251	39%	9
Barack Obama	Dem	104,772	36%	9
John Edwards	Dem	48,681	17%	4
Bill Richardson	Dem	13,249	5%	0
Dennis Kucinich	Dem	3,919	1%	0

Obama barely lost! Another way to look at it, is that Hillary was rejected by over 61% of the voters on Tuesday. Fake tears, fake voters? Real victory?

She sure looks happy though!

Look, whether there was fraud or not, I don't know. I didn't make it too far North where the people know who their neighbors are. It's still really early in the season of "change" and there's plenty of time to commit massive voter fraud.

Learn anything other than the Dunkin' Donuts menu board?
I learned not to trust whatever polling company the Democrats have been using - they're useless. The Republican one was spot on. I guess Republicans don't lie when they answer polls? Who knows? I know that I know more than all the pundits in one room. They may know everyone's name, but they sure don't know what the hell they're talking about.

And now after posting this picture, I don't think Hillary's people are going to let me in at their event in Nevada. I'll let you know. Well, I mean, they let those "Iron My Shirt" guys in... oh, yeah, they work there. Yeah, if that wasn't sanctioned the Clinton Machine, they would have sent them to Gitmo.

Well, I have to go so I can get to another Dunkin' Donuts. You think they have one at Gitmo?