Tempest in a Teapot Dome Scandal

Here I sit, in the wee small hours of a chill Sunday morning-- a Sunday which will see, according to that babbling, brooking, rabbling, rookering, artificially musk-scented, jock-sniffing super-hype machine known as the sports media, The Biggest Game in the Whole Entire History of Football in the Last Ten Years.*

I am referring, of course, to the Colts - Patriots game.

It is times like this when Real Men (of genus homo) fancy that someone, somewhere, must be interested as all get-out in their opinion of whose offense over-matches whose defense and whose special teams is just a telltale shade better and which team will --by dint of the quirky, fateful bounce of an oblong spheroid-- win the Turnover Battle and therefore Carry the Day on which History Itself pivots.

Phooey.

Personally, my question is not, "Who will win the game?" My question is, "What will be the nature of the controversial call?"

Oh, don't pretend you don't know what kind of call I mean: The kind of questionable ruling by the officiating crew in a nip and --ahem!-- tuck game that leaves the same kind of unsavory aftertaste as too much melted ice in a good highball; the kind of call that makes four out of five myopic proctologists say, "Somebody just got jobbed;" the kind of call that inspires a wistful, bittersweet longing for the Game-of-the-Century-that-Could-Have-Been were it not for a referee screwing the pooch against all the odds of six different angles of replay. That kind of call...

...the kind of call that makes me want to point out, even at this late date, that not only has Matt Holiday still not touched home plate at the end of this year's wild-card playoff game, but Michael Barrett still hasn't tagged him out, either.

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* It's a sad commentary on the state of the English language in America today --where you can't go more than forty-eight hours without hearing somebody insist that immigrants must learn to speak English "whether or not they want to or not"-- it is a sad commentary that I have to take the time to assure you, Dear Reader, that I already know the words "whole" and "entire" mean the same thing, and that their use in the same sentence is therefore redundant. I did it on purpose. Likewise, I already know the phrase "entire history of football in the last ten years" is at least faintly oxymoronic. Again, I did it on purpose.

And if you didn't need to be told any of that... then I sincerely apologize for bludgeoning your sharpness.

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P.S.... Bud "Hole In Tire" Selig must go-- whether or not he wants to or not.