Unsolicited Advise: Fred and Dick

Have any of you heard of the Fred Phelps guy? He is the reverend that cruises around to funerals with a gaggle of overweight, close-minded, sun-burnt, uneducated white trash from mainly Kansas. They all have signs that read "God Hates Fags" or "AIDS Cures Fags." They chant and walk and mock and do what they can to make the 5 o'clock news. It's their thing.

They believe that homosexuality has God so angry that he is just killing everyone around the world. For example, 9/11 was God letting us know he likes his porn simple - one man, one woman. The Indian Earthquake was God saying only a woman should suck that. When he came to a church near my house (yes, I attended the rally, I had to see these clowns first hand) they had a sign that read, "Thank God for 9/11." That, they felt, accurately conveyed the message that they did not want the Pastor at that church to openly welcome gays to attend mass.

I could write for days on this numb nut. He is insanely insane. I will save you the pain and just direct you to his Wikipedia page. Make sure you read the disbarment section. That is my favorite.

Anyway, the hateful reverend and his church lost a law suit yesterday. They will owe $2.9 million to Albert Snyder. It seems Fred picketed Albert's sons funeral. His son was not gay. His son was a soldier that had died in Iraq. Fred believes that the war in Iraq is a result of, you guessed it, an angry homophobic God. I blame Ant myself.

I bring this up to offer Fred some unsolicited advise. Do not bring signs that say "Thank God for Dead Soldiers" to a military funeral. Even your buddy Bush did the math and figured out it was him and not the fags that started this terrible war. When you picketed Matthew Sheppard Bush kept his mouths shut and went about killing people in Texas. But when you mess with his G.I Joes he goes apeshit. I would also advise that you do not protest a Chicago policeman's funeral. They will just beat your ass silly.

Richard Curtis (R-LA) I have some unsolicited advise for you as well. First, let me tell the story to our reader. Richard, like God, loves porn. Unlike God, he likes gay porn.

Last Tuesday, Dick was "wearing long red women's stockings and black sequined lingerie" and browsing through gay porn at a Spokane area adult book shop. Suddenly, gay oral sex broke out. The newspaper did not get into how the oral sex started only that it was going on. (An aside: I would like to know how a blowjob can land in your lap like that.) They oraler and oralee decided to take this hotness back to a hotel room for "another sexual encounter." It was agreed that Richard would pay this man, Cody Castagna, $200 for unprotected sex.

After the tryst, according to Dick, Cody demanded a grand or he was going to tell Dick's wife. Dick was not going to pay it. This was extortion! He called the cops. The cop filed the report.

Now with the back story filled allow me to offer some unsolicited advise. If you would like to keep your gay lifestyle out of the papers and away from your wife DO NOT file police reports about your gay lover extorting you. Especially when you are a public figure. If you would like to "keep the toothpaste in the tube" then keep your tube in your pants. Oh, and do not tell Phelps about this.

Update: Rep. Curtis has resigned today (Thursday) to "spare his family." he also claims he does not feel as frisky today as he did on Tuesday. Key 'graphs.

Elected to the state House of Representatives in 2004, Curtis has voted against bills that would grant civil rights protections to gays and lesbians, and against a bill that created domestic partnerships for same-sex couples. Both measures are now part of state law.

House Minority Leader Richard DeBolt said that as more details began to emerge, it was clear that Curtis "can no longer effectively represent the constituents who elected him."

A successor will be chosen by county Republican leaders, and will serve until the 2008 election.

Update II: Here is video of the Phelps protest and an interview with the father.

Tit for tit

Get your Halloween candy out, there's a mud slingin' goin' down! And it's hilarious!

Biden: Rudy's Sentences Consist Of "A Noun, A Verb, And 9/11"

Rudy: "Biden Has Never Run Anything But His Mouth"

I give you: Danny Donuts, and his dog

I really don't know whether to laugh or cry...

Halloweened

Happy Halloween, dear Blasphemes reader.
As a special treat, (ugh) lets look at some terrible costumes that I've seen around the interwebs.
Some of these are bad, some are well - ugh.

Let's start with Al Jolson C3-PO. First, why would you want to be C3-PO? There are plenty of other characters in the Star Wars Universe - and why would you want to be C3-PO? Was this the important second just before he was blasted off the stage of the Cloud City Apollo?

Get it? White Trash can? White Trash! Ahahaa.... you're not laughing. Neither am I. At worst it's racist. At best, it's just damn lazy.

YouTube/Facebook/iPhone guy. Nice to be so hip it hurts. Too bad only took you ten minutes with a magic marker to come up with that. At least he didn't violate the number one rule of costumes - which is to leave one hand free for drinking. And I like that he only rated himself a 1 and half star... which is what I'd like to rate his costume.
Oh, I'm such a hipster! Another Internet only gag. You get this, or you don't. Can't imagine that even if you did recognize that character, you'd acknowledge it in front of others. Or your friends... or hell, even total strangers... The costume violates the free hand for a beer rule, and also the thou shall not use garbage bags to make your costume rule.
Uh, so what the hell, dude? We know you're a computer nerd. Everyday. Halloween means you get the night off... and now you've blown it. Way to think outside the damn box. And I only say that, because lookin' at you I assume that you're the kind of guy who says that about three times a day.
Missing? I wish you were, dude. Don't come to my party, Mr. Mouth-breather.

If you've never seen the 'Tron guy' - well, you're just not reading the interwebs to the best of your ability. To see how this ensemble got it's genesis... (click here) I Effin dare you!

Hamburgler. Not bad! But if you're going to bother with getting dressed up and all that, at least don't drink out of a gooddamn BurgerKing cup, okay?

Again with the Star Wars. 18,498 characters and still counting. If you are going to go to the trouble to go out of your way to not getting laid again this Halloween.... why not pick a costume that only you and Ralph McQuarrie get?

This dude is the concept drawing of Lando Calrissian. Yep. Goin' back to mom's alone again.

And since we're on the subject of not getting laid - and Star Wars - here's the Death Star. No arms = not drinking. Too big to get through most doors, which violates rule number 3 - make sure you can get through a door. Bonus he probably ain't going to fit in the bathroom either.

There's being a fan of the Transformers... when you were in 4th grade... and there's this guy. He probably can't get through the door either. And I'd bet that this picture was taken last year... so that makes him extra hipster.

Well, either this guy (and I'm just guessing) is either the bad guy eyeball from the Lord of the Rings, or he's his mother's vagina - But I can assure you, either way that's the only vagina he's ever seen.

The dude in the center really shouldn't have worn that to the office. And the dude next to him is what? Maybe a gay Thing from Addam's Family? What the hell costume is a rainbow boa and a furry coat? Like, you know, rule number 4, if I have to ask, your costume sucks...

What the hell is this? Are we just making crap up now?

Actually, a Christopher Walken cut out face is kind of cool....

But a cut out of Larry Craig - that's even better! Topical too!

Dude, when you were building or purchasing this, were you thinkin' you were going to get laid in this thing? Really? Who are you trying to impress then? Luckily for you, dear reader, I didn't show you some of the, er, used variation of this costume. By the sheer volume of what I found out there- there's a lot of dudes who must really think this is funny, or will get them laid.

Remember these from when you were a kid? The costumes were so bad (and flammable) that they had to put the name and picture of what you were supposed to be on the vinyl bag-thing that came with the plastic mask? This one is Mr. Kotter of Welcome Back Kotter. There's more at RetroCrush. ...and they're all terrible. Can you remember how bad your Halloween was the year you wore this? Why not Vinnie or even Arnold Horsheck? Nope. You chose Mr. Kotter at the store.

Dumbass.

Never seen a dude with Camel toe before... wait, yes I have! Tron guy! Rule 5 - no male camel toe, okay? Really. Stay home and watch It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.

Udderly retarded.

Never underestimate the stupidity of Groupthink: Case in point

Dude! I can't believe you're a Smurf too! Uh, guys? Just stay home this year, okay? Thanks.

I do wonder if they carpooled though?
This one scares me more than Jason or Freddy or anything Steven King has ever written.

Uh, what? Evil Cow Clown Jedi? You two must be really smart, because it must be so ironic my two brain cells just can't grasp it. Or perhaps you're just such major assh*les you're making fun of Star Wars and Clowns, and Cows all at once? Maybe that's it, Tinkerbell? Jokes is on me, at least you suckered somebody else to go along with you.

And these two. Can you imagine being in the costume shop with these two perky assh*les? "Oh hon! Wouldn't this just be a Hoot at the Johnsons?" "Uh hon, there isn't supposed to be a hot dog with this costume..." "Oh, sorry honey..."

This one shows up so much it must be a fake. That or your mom's been going out without you knowing about it. And this one is just - well, if you're comin' to the party I know about, you won't be wearing that costume very long. Why not just leave that roll of TP in the cab, sparky? Hey - is that the Death Star running over here?

If you have some of your own pictures you'd like to share - mail 'em to Howard.

Have a safe one gang!

Sports news

Keep forgetting - White smoke has emerged from Yankee Stadium - and I was wrong! Joe Girardi is expected to take the job. Want to give him a full season or a half?

Joe Torre expected to be named manager of Los Angeles Dodgers, bring Don Mattingly with him as bench coach.

Mediocre Purchase

The Consumerist is reporting a story that a Best Buy (Mediocre Purchase) customer recently purchased a hard drive only to discover that the box contained six ceramic bathroom tiles instead of the Western Digital drive he had expected. The rub of it is Best Buy is refusing to grant a refund or exchange for the non-existent drive.

"The employee and assistant manager were more than willing to help, saying that it happens. So they set up the return and I repurchased the drive and while I was checking the contents to ensure it was a hard drive this time, the store manager came up, took the box from me and said to take it up with the manufacturer. Now to my surprise, I argued with the guy saying that they have already accepted the return and I have now purchased the new one. He said I was sh*t out of luck. I followed up with the manufacturer today and they said they would get the complaint to the Best Buy Purchasing department. Best Buy corporate said that they stand by their manager's decision."

I got the impression he bought the second drive from Best Buy. He should return that as well, and let American Express or his credit card deal with these issues.

The obvious thing I'm supposed to write for everyone:
When a store screws you, ensure they never see your dollar again. Don't keep shopping there! And when they do - go to the internets to tell others. This post brought to you by Circuit City.

Upon further review - Either Best Buy got a bum return from someone who had a shrink-wrapper and didn't double-check, or this guy's straight-up bullsh*tting them.
Either is believable.

Oddly enough, I bought a box of tiles a Home Depot and it contained a damn hard drive.

I'll tell you what happened...

I'll tell you what happened as long as you promise not to tell anyone else, and you won't get angry. Okay? Really? You promise you won't get angry... or prosecute?

Okay - Remember that one time that Blackwater said its Sept. 16 convoy was under attack before it opened fire in west Baghdad's Nisoor Square, killing 17 Iraqis? The follow-up investigation by the Iraqi government, found out from Suzie that Blackwater's men were unprovoked. No witnesses have been found to contradict that finding.

The State Department promised Blackwater USA bodyguards immunity from prosecution in its investigation of last month's deadly shooting of 17 Iraqi civilians, The Associated Press has learned.

The immunity deal has delayed a criminal inquiry into the Sept. 16 killings and could undermine any effort to prosecute security contractors for their role in the incident that has infuriated the Iraqi government.

"Once you give immunity, you can't take it away," said a senior law enforcement official familiar with the investigation.

For reals. Our 'leaders' and government are now using the vocabulary and mannerisms of a group of 3rd graders. "Nah Uh! That's totally not fair!" said an unnamed Iraqi official

Porter's Wagon has moved on

Sad News

Unique dresser and Blasphemes favorite Porter Wagoner has died.

Wagoner Facts:

• Wagoner helped launch the career of his duet partner Dolly Partner before she went on to become more famous than he. Porter sued her for $3 million. The case was settled out of court. Dolly claimed their split was over creative differences. "I am creative and Porter is different."
  
• Porter's syndicated TV show, "The Porter Wagoner Show" was on the air for 21 years. It was best known for not being very well produced. This was in a time when interesting things happened on TV.
• In his last tour (mentioned here on Blasphemes) Porter opened for the White Stripes to promote his Wagonmaster album. He had a fleeting opportunity to become late career Johnny Cash with the younger crowd. It was not to be. Porter was writing original songs. Kids like it when you cover their songs and make them funny and twangy sounding.
• Porter had over 60 handmade sequined jackets in his wardrobe. "I get more compliments on my outfits than any other entertainer — except for Liberace."
  
• Was one of the funniest Borat interviews in the second season of Da Ali G Show.

Now that Porter and Liberace are gone there is an opening for a sequined lunatic to sing for us.

Bostowned

Broomsday: Sox sweep Series

Sox are kings of diamond

Four-gone conclusion as Rockies swept away by Red Sox

How Sweep It Is

I always love the sports page banner headlines after the Series is over. Guess which ones are from Denver, and which are from Boston?

Wake of Fake FEMA

FEMA blasted for 'news' conference.

Agency employees, not reporters, asked questions at the event. Homeland Security calls the lapse 'offensive and inexcusable.' (link)

Ah, FEMA. They're right there, proving once again that if this were a real emergency - you'd probably already be dead.

Thank you for proving my point - again - that if you're waiting for your government to come and save you during a crisis - you will die.

I'm not even going to sugar coat this one, since no matter what, someone will chime in with a smartass rebuttal.

It reminds me of the storms that hit Arlington Heights and the outer suburbs late in August. As I had just ended my prayers that I didn't have water in MY basement, my In-Laws called my mobile phone. This, in of itself, In-laws calling my cell - not my wife on the house phone, or her mobile - me directly - was strange.

"We have a little water coming in the basement."

"How much is a little?"

"Well I'm not sure"

"How's that?"

"Since there's no power, and the sun is down... and it's in the basement..."

[pause, soak it in] "(sigh) You don't know, do you? Where are you calling from?"

"The neighbor's"

"Stay put. Guard your house."

"With what?"

"I'll be right there..."

Against all common sense or perhaps the lack of will, or just knowing that I'd have to hear about 'that time we called and he let us drown' every family gathering - I packed up the family and went straight into the disaster zone.

It really was a disaster zone, too - I'm not adding hyperbole for effect - the area I was taking my family into was issued "Disaster Zone" status by the State. With good reason too.
Trees were splintered, thrown about. Branches were on houses, in houses, on cars, through cars. Power was out everywhere. Water from the storm flooded the streets. The Des Plains river was overflowing threatening homes and bridges, and three of my most logical routes to where I needed to be going.

The police were out in full force.
Making sure the traffic flowed.
That was their number one job.

Not making sandbags.

Not bailing water.

Not pulling trees out of houses.

Not restoring electricity.

Those were and continue to be other people's jobs.

They were directing traffic.


And that was one of the primary reasons I was going in there. Bailing water was a distant second

I had some half cocked idea of running their sump pump by rigging my car battery to the socket... but the logistics of the plan were making my head spin. Realizing that my car running their sump pump would only be a temporary solution, (if it worked, and it wouldn't have) and after driving through the incredible devastation, I knew it could be DAYS until they had the power back up. They even had a power line down at the end of the block.

I finally got to the In-Law's place, I noticed that one side of the street had AC, the opposite, their side, did not. I said my fifth prayer in about a half an hour. This was one of thanksgiving.

I immediately went into full ass work mode. In other words, full power ass*hole mode.
I began directing traffic to the family and In-Laws as if they were employees.

I took my hat into hand and introduced myself to their across the street neighbors, who had every lamp on that they owned. As if they were taunting the other side of the street?

Luckily, they were good people, and understood that they were just a couple feet of pavement from being in the same boat. After promises of my mother-in-law's banana bread, I was granted an outlet to run their sump pump. I ran 300 feet of stingers (electrical cable) from their exterior X-mas outlet to the in-law's basement.

Success - and within a good half hour, that sucker was drained. And since this is Illinois, they had wisely had everything in plastic containers or up off the ground - and none of the appliances were wrecked, including the brand new furnace. I was going to de-plug, but the water kept refilling the reservoir at an alarming rate, forcing me to keep the pump plugged in. I informed the neighbor, they were happy to have helped.

A couple lucky breaks here and there make this a good story. But I often wonder how it could have turned the other way, and very quickly. I could have ended up bailing all night, or pulling all their nick-nacks out all night long. I helped put them there in the first place - so it would have been a weekend long, back breaking process; lots of books.

I cleaned up (running water!) and I spoke with a few of the neighbors, who had congregated outside. Some of them were elderly, or older folks looking after elderly parents. I asked each and every one of them if they had any type of 'protection.' Some understood and nodded, others mentioned their cell phone. I was not encouraged by some of their responses. But at least now they were all thinking about it.

I remember my wife remarking "How come the police aren't doing anything?"

"What, exactly? (pause) You mean, about the power? Not their job."

"And you've got me all scared thinking my parents aren't safe..."

"They're not - (swallow) But the neighbors are all standing together keeping watch now."

However, I do know people in other areas with similar stories. One in particular was when a truck was driving very slowly 'casing' his neighborhood.
He pointed his flashlight at the truck. They flashed back to him. They saw the Remington. They moved on, with a bit more pep.

His story took place less than 24 hours after the storm. He also mentioned that one of his neighbors is a State Senator, so not even the anointed ones were getting special treatment. Was his story real or imagined? I don't know - I wasn't there. But even at my In-Laws, there were a few slow cars driving up and down the street. There was even a couple handing out pamphlets for a plumbing company. However, when they were walking around knocking on doors - what was my first reaction? I shouldn't ask you that, I'll just tell you - I thought they were casing the neighborhood to see who was home.

Paranoid. Maybe? Better safe than sorry. You bet.

My In-Law's power was restored 4 days after the storm, my buddy with the 12 gauge a bit longer. His kids had to get ready for their first day of school by candlelight (which, I think, is kinda' cool).

Point of all this? My In-Laws had their kids to rely on. The elderly in their neighborhood had their kids. The families and neighbors pulled together.

There wasn't a cop, a fireman, an insurance agent, or a utility worker around for four full days. If you were waiting for someone else to save your ass, you were going to be very disappointed. No kidding FEMA faked their press conference.

No justice

Woman found guilty but mentally ill in crash that killed 3

SKOKIE, Ill. - A judge has found a former model guilty but mentally ill for causing a high-speed crash that killed three Chicago rock musicians during an alleged suicide attempt.

The judge found 25-year-old Jeannette Sliwinski guilty of three counts of reckless homicide and one count of aggravated battery in the July 2005 deaths of Michael Dahlquist, John Glick and Douglas Meis.

Sliwinski allegedly told investigators she was trying to take her own life. Police say she was driving at least 70 miles per hour.

Prosecutors say she'll go to a mental hospital after she's sentenced on November 26th. If she's deemed mentally fit, she'll later transfer to a prison. She faces a sentence of up to five years.

3 musicians silenced.

She gets up to 5.

Is this justice? She lives, three men die? She walks in 5.

In the video of this story, one of the prosecutors mentioned, "we've had a long history with Jeannette..." Which I immediately wondered, then why was she allowed to drive a car? I noticed this wasn't mentioned in the print version.

And another thought popped into my little two celled brain - when you want to take yourself off this rock, why do you have to take others out with you? Especially people you don't even know? Apparently this happened minutes after Jeannette had a fight with her mother. You fought with your mother Jeannette, why not take her out with you? Couldn't you find a nice bridge to jump off of? Well, she'd probably have decided to do that over the Peterson overpass - and kill a bus full of kids. Is it that hard to spend 300 bucks, hell put it on a credit card, and blow your head off? Nice, easy, over.

No, you have to ram a car stopped at a stop sign at 70+ miles an hour.

Just three guys, on their lunch break from Shure. Getting some tacos. Perhaps they were bitchin' about work, or the plot twist of the shared TV show they all watched. In front of them, a narcissistic Honda Civic revs up across the intersection.

Now they're gone.

Why did she have a license to drive? Why did the prosecution have a 'long history' with her, but yet she was still allowed to drive a car? Why is she getting out of jail in five years? How come no one could collaborate that she was actually nuts in the trial? Why is she guilty, but she wasn't forced to live her life contemplating what she did? I don't want her dead - mostly because that's what she wants.

Why is she going to go free in five years? She's getting less jail time than George "Evil Santa Claus" Ryan.

At least the kid who got a b.j. is being released. (link to that one.)

Republicans squeel with delight on tax plan

Republicans see House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Charles Rangel's (D) sweeping tax proposal as a chance to derail Democrats' momentum. (Story)

Touted as "the mother of all reforms,'' the proposal would raise taxes on higher-income families and some businesses, while cutting bills for the working poor and lowering the corporate rate. Republicans accused Rangel and his party of trying to raise taxes by more than $1 trillion.

Could you get a better gift? It's not even the holiday season yet (it really starts on Thursday) and to put a big bow on top he said:

"[We're] willing to work with any president in the next election, no matter who she is."

Wow.

Here's the nitty gritty of what he's planning:

*Repeal the alternative minimum tax (AMT), a levy originally aimed at the rich that now is hitting middle-income taxpayers... because they 'forgot' to add a provision to adjust for inflation. riggghhhttt....

*Pay for the repeal of the AMT by imposing a surcharge on higher-income taxpayers and limiting their tax deductions.

*Enact a "patch" for the AMT for the 2007 taxable year to keep 23 million people from paying it. I tried the 'patch' once. It just made me want to smoke more.

*Pay for the AMT patch with tax increases on hedge-fund executives and private-equity fund managers. Oh, you're serious? Well, good luck with that one.

*Raise the standard deduction for taxpayers who do not itemize their deductions. Increase the number of people eligible for the earned income tax credit.

*Cut the corporate tax rate from 35 percent to 30.5 percent. Close various corporate tax breaks, including one involving foreign income earned by U.S. corporations. No more money laundering through Caribbean banks?

*Extend expiring tax breaks, including the research and development tax credit, for another year. That's cool. Write off R&D and make a mint once you come up with a new Post It note, or Pet Rock.

And sit down OneF - I'm not even going to bitch about the taxes he's proposing.
What this article is about - and if you're even reading this far down into the article... - is the political stupidity of what and how Rangel is going about this. These proposals all sound absolutely science-fiction to me. I mean, I'm not a lawyer or an accountant, but I'm just going to guess that if Rangel thinks any of those top earners actually pay their taxes NOW, he might be an idiot.

Going up to a podium, talking about taxes AND endorsing Hillary at the same time, now you've proven you're an idiot. Especially in the arena of politicking. He's not even really proposing new taxes, just changes. It doesn't matter. Taxes were talked about. Watch the news shows Sunday morning. You'll see.

If I were a Republican strategist, I think I'd send Rangel and his entire office a gift basket.

Maps of War

In honor of the Turkish air strikes in Iraq, I thought now would be a good time to share 5000 years in 90 minutes.

Who has controlled the Middle East over the course of history? Pretty much everyone. Egyptians, Turks, Jews, Romans, Arabs, Persians, Europeans...the list goes on.


No time for popcorn. Maybe a 'fun' size candybar.

Baseball news

Joe Torre declined an offer to join Tim McCarver and Joe Buck calling the World Series on FOX. Says he couldn't bear the idea of being part of another losing team.
Meanwhile, the Yankees finish interviewing all potential managerial candidates. White smoke expected to come from Yankee Stadium any day now...
In related news, Joe Girardi will probably be a manager next year. It just might not be with the New York Yankees - It'll probably be with the Donkeys, er, Dodgers. Remind me how they lost the NL West again?

Colorado Rockies have now won 21 out of 24 games, are among the hottest postseason teams ever - but the problem seems to be that whole 'in a row' thing.

"You People are Animals!"
And in case you didn't get the memo, thanks to Jacoby Ellsbury stealing a base, everyone gets a free taco from Taco Bell on Oct. 30th from 2-5pm....

Here's how to obtain your free Taco from KrustyTaco: If an eligible base was stolen during the Games, Taco Bell will make an announcement through selected media channels, including a press release and its web site (www.tacobell.com), that eligible consumers can obtain their free Crunchy Seasoned Beef Taco on Tuesday, October 30, 2007 (if base is stolen in Games 1 or 2 on October 24 or October 25, 2007) OR November 6, 2007 (if base is stolen in Games 3-7, October 27, 28, 29, 31, November 1, 2007) ("Redemption Date") only.

Dusty Baker is talking about adding Kerry Wood and Mark Prior to the Cincinnati Reds' disabled list. Both pitchers could become free agents this offseason, and the Reds are starved for pitching, and have some spots on their DL. Sorry Cinci.

And you know who should go.

Flamewar continues, takes out San Diego

San Diego is about to lose their final electrical connection to the city, which mimics exactly what happened the last time I played SIM CITY 2000!

I remember that I dispatched all my fire crews to put out the fire, but it was too late, all my electrical wires burnt up and the whole damn city blanked.

Mass chaos, rioting in the streets. Dogs and Cats - you know the quotes, fan boy. Luckily the black clouds of burning asbestos kept the populous in check. Otherwise there would have been a run on the liquor and ammunition stores! The SimNationalGuard was on duty holding down SimSomalia at the time, so they were no help. And since they're not really trained for that kind of work, it wouldn't have mattered much anyway. All my environmentally conscious activists all ditched town too. You'd think they'd have volunteered to help save the trees, I mean, since they loved the forest so much?

Well, at least my levies held. I spent extra on those and had them built by my local cronies rather than opting for SimFederal money and the SimArmyCorps of Engineers.

The refugees were put into my stadium that I had JUST built. Man, that really burnt me up. There was even a game scheduled that weekend.

The part I remember after the fires were contained was how the advisers and populace complained, no matter what I did. If I built a hospital - they wanted a school. If I repaired a road, they wanted more rail lines. It was like it was rigged or something for me to fail?

Anyhow, it seems that if you comment on Blasphemes, you get a whole article now. So be sure to hit that comments button folks - before you know it you'll get your own blog!

The Ryan Chronicles

1994: A truck crash kills six children in Wisconsin. Police discover that the driver of the truck has a valid driver's license and speaks only Spanish. This seems odd as the truck driver's license test is given only in English. The state decides to see what's up. Folks in the government say, "Uh, nothing."

2000: Current Secretary of State Jesse White makes a statement saying that at least 175 truckers driving around this country that seem to have bought their licenses between 1990 and 1998. Former Secretary of State George Ryan (1991-1999) claims, "Would I have tolerated it? Hell no, I wouldn't have tolerated it, not in a second." U.S. Attorney Scott Lasser claims that Ryan is not a target of the investigation

Later in 2000: 30 people are charged in "Operation Safe Road," a federal investigation into over $170,000 in bribe money. Apparently it was used to purchase tickets to Ryan fund-raisers. Lasser refuses to tell the press that Ryan is no longer a target or who came up with the name "Operation Safe Road." Dean Bower, one of Ryan's closest advisers and the Inspector General for the Sec. of State under Ryan's tenure is accused of racketeering, mail fraud, obstruction of justice and lying to FBI. Whoops. 1,000 truckers are ordered to retake their trucker driver's license. Of the first 510 that took it, 171 passed. Maybe Killre will have an explanation.

2002: Ryan announces that he will not seek reelection. he will need to spend time with his family. While he can.

2003: Ryan is indicted on 18 federal racketeering, fraud and conspiracy charges. A Longtime Chicago hobby of ghost payrolling is discovered. On the payroll are Ryan's daughters, his son-in-law, his housekeeper, and his adopted sister. They admit that they did very little for his campaign.

2005: Ryan goes to court. Gets a lawyer pro-bono by James Thompson's (Ryan's boss while he was lieutenant governor from 1983-1991) and proceeds to prove his innocence. Or his lack of guilt.

2006: Ryan is found guilty on all 18 charges against him. The judge throws out two of the counts due to lack of proof. Ryan appeals and remains free during his second trial. During the second trial 2 jurors are dismissed because they did not reveal a criminal history. The replacement jurors contain one who was previously removed due to discussions he had about the case when talking to his work. (I am fairly sure this was the second trial but if it was the first I stand corrected.)

2007: Verdict is upheld and Ryan is given (regiven?) 6 1/2 years in the slammer. Luckily, he put a moratorium on killing people in prison. It should make him a little more popular. Thompson claims he is taking this one to the Supreme Court.


Dumb F: The trial was a sham and the man is guilty. He should probably be let free or retried but unfortunately for him he did not work in California where it is much easier to get a proper verdict. And I do not mean that snarkily. {O.J. should have been found innocent. I think he was guilty and I think the police planted evidence. Once evidence is tampered with you do not know how far it went hence he has to be let go. Luckily, he was dumb enough to get caught again.}

Amen, brother

{From the Comments section by wil}

"Democrats are already politicizing the fires, using it as "proof" that we need bigger government and higher taxes. Senators. Boxer and Reid blame Iraq and global warming. Lt. Gov. Garamendi of California brings up Katrina, blames Iraq, and insults President Bush's visit."

...mmmm Yummy yummy Kool Aid.

Jesus, Cap'n, even the Hyperdine Systems Model 101 has said that they would have a better control of the fires if all of their National Guard helicopters were actually in CA and not Iraq. The same thing happened with all the tornadoes in KS last summer too. (BUt the Democratic Governor of KS was then reflexively branded a turrist-lover by the WH, why not Arnie?)

How do you think that shit gets paid for? Fairy dust? Would you prefer that we just have private industry fight the fires so no one has to pay taxes? A corporation like Blackwater or Halliburton?? Big Government and Higher Taxes!! Jees you sound like you reading from the daily talking points. Think about it, $2.4 TRILLION DOLLARS going to pay for Iraq and Afghanistan. That is your federal tax money Cap'n, if you want to bitch about the unfairness of the idea of the citizenry paying for the government' activities and services, try that one.

I also hope to see you raising as much of a friggin' stink in the next two months when the major personal property insurers are demanding federal bailout money (again your tax dollars) to defray their losses when they have to pay every single one of those homeowners claims because they are ALL insured for fire and fire damage.

Hey, there is a difference between the fires and Katrina, all the rich white people who built their $3M dollar homes in a area historically prone to major brush fires (it's natural you know) will have their homes rebuilt or paid for by their insurers.

Sorry for the rant, but no one should be allowed to use a racist retard like Glenn Beck as back up without being called out on it.

Who's Blaming Whom?

Fox News has blamed the California wildfires on AlQDah. The other crack news teams pin the blame squarely on the War in Iraq.

Democrats are already politicizing the fires, using it as "proof" that we need bigger government and higher taxes. Senators. Boxer and Reid blame Iraq and global warming. Lt. Gov. Garamendi of California brings up Katrina, blames Iraq, and insults President Bush's visit.

Headline News’ Glenn Beck offered a different take: government forest mismanagement and environmental pressure groups forbidding California homeowners from clearing flammable brush around their land.

George Carlin blames the victims on the Southern California wildfires. Appearing on the October 24 edition of "The View" Carlin said, because many of these home owners "overbuild" and "put nature to the test," "they get what’s coming to them."

GEORGE CARLIN: The planet is fine. The people are f*cked. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live. They don't care about the planet in theory. They just care about having a comfortable place. And these people with the fires and the floods and everything, they overbuild, they put nature to the test and they get what's coming to them. That's what I say.

JOY BEHAR: Well, that's a little harsh.

CARLIN: That's what's happening, and I can't wait for the sea levels to rise. I can't wait for some of these cities to disappear.

SHERRI SHEPHERD: I can't swim, George.

[Laughter]

CARLIN: There are places that are going to go away. The map is going to change and that's because -- people think nature is outside of them. They don't take into them the idea that we are part of it. They say, "oh, we're going for a nature walk. We're going to the country because we like nature." Nature is in here. And if you're in tune with it, like the Indians, the Hopis, especially, the balance of life, the balance, the harmony of nature, if you understand that, you don't overbuild. You don’t do all this moron stuff. There are too many people-

BEHAR: What about the polluters? Let's go after them, the polluters, the corporations that pollute.

CARLIN: It's a symphony. Everybody is in the band. You know, it's not just one group. People are, people want their goodies. They want their toys. Everybody wants the newest gizmo. We're, we’re slaves to gizmos and toys.

Let's see who OneF blames. The over/under is on Me or Bush.

TV time for Hawks

In hopes of attracting a couple more fans, Chicago Blackhawks in negotiations with Comcast to finally air home games. (link)

Isn't Bill Wirtz's corpse still warm?

Does any one give a sh*t?
I mean, besides OneF?

This week's Blasphemous Post

Why does anyone give a rip about a fictional dead wizard's sexual orientation?

Really?

I mean, really?

Is the revelation that a character in popular children’s book is gay still such big news?
Do we need more gay characters in children’s literature?
Do we need to have this discussion?
Does it make a difference in the plot?
Does it keep the Harry Potter books in the media spotlight, even though they're not publishing any new tales - ah ha!

FRONTLINE review

Capn' begins his new feature to add reviews for Documentaries.

Yesterday I mentioned that the Frontline (PBS) would be running SHOWDOWN WITH IRAN last night. If you missed it, you can watch the entire program online on their website.

The documentary basically walked through the timeline of the US and Iranian relationship post 9-11 through today, and why the war drums are gaining volume.

The most alarming point of discussion is basically how the Bush Administration knocked out the reformers in Iran. The Reformers, who were in charge on 9-11, condemned the attacks and sent help in Afghanistan. The Iranians, we're told, were instrumental in the topple of the Taliban and solidifying the various rebel groups in Afghanistan. The US however, realized that they had their own issues and intentions in allowing the US to succeed there. The relationship soured after rumors and intel suggested that Sr. Al QDah officials snuck into Iran and were being protected in Tehran.

"Axis of Evil" comment. Not exactly good for the reform movement.

They reformers again offered their assistance again in Iraq. This was dismissed out-of-hand by the Bush Administration. The US would not need Iranian help in taking out Iraq. They were right... at first.

After the initial success in Iraq (ah, let's say the first week) the reformers took their biggest leap. Their last chance at building a relationship with the Great Satan. They sent a 'fig leaf fax' to the White House. The offer basically said, we'll leave Israel and you alone, give up terrorism and our nuclear program - but you gotta leave us alone.

Nope.

The reform movement was killed. Mock Mood brought in. Iranians have had the upper hand ever since. And, judging by the tone of the documentary, they are both ready to meet their makers.

And since both leaders believe they are working directly for their Lord, and have been swinging the phrase "WWIII" around, you might want to refresh your bomb shelter's can goods.

Very Important Post

"Serving size: 1 Cookie (16g)."

Obviously, you don't know me very well. Long before somebody named "Butcher" started calling me "Killre," someone else named "Mom" was calling me "The Cookie Monster."

"Servings Per Container: About 30."

About thirty? About!? Let me take a wild guess, Pre-ciso: You worked for NASA before the budget cuts, right?

"Ingredients: Enriched flour (wheat flour, niacin, reduced iron, thiamin mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), partially hydrogenated vegetable oil (soybean, cottonseed and/or palm kernel oil), sugar, semisweet chocolate..."

Mmm... this is where it gets good.

"... semisweet chocolate (sugar, chocolate, cocoa butter, dextrose, soy lecithin, natural and artificial flavor, salt)..."

Imagine that! Semisweet chocolate is made primarily from sugar and chocolate! Oooo, this is exciting stuff!

"Dextrose," by the by, is just a fancy word for "more sugar." Kinda makes you wonder how "semi" the sweetness is, doesn't it?

"Natural and artificial flavor," well, that could be anything. I mean, it'd be pretty tough to fall outside the spectrum of "natural and artificial," don't you think?
Oh, and it should be pluralized.

And "cocoa butter" is, of course, a skin lotion. I don't know what it's doing in my food, but I'm sure it's government approved...

"...high fructose corn syrup..."

Ultra-sugary sugar, mixed with extra-sugary sugar, Sugar.



Anybody else have that Archies song running through their head right now?



"...modified corn starch, dates, contains two percent or less of molasses, salt, cocoa, natural and artificial flavors, baking soda, cocoa (processed with alkali), eggs, emulsifiers (polysorbate 60, sorbitan monostearate, soy lecithin), annatto extract for color, whey."

...But no Kurds.

I think the riboflavin is probably my favorite. I don't really know what it is; I just think it's a cool word. Say it with me: WRY-beau-flay-vin. It's German for "the flaying of the wry beau."

This post was brought to you by Keebler --the same people who brought you Dennis Kucinich-- and is presented here in case you, like, forgot to read your cereal box this morning or something.

------------------------------
P.S.... Actually, ribose (the word really is derived from German) is a particular type of bio-sugar found in nucleic acid. Flavin is derived from Latin... it means "yellow." Riboflavin is a 'B' vitamin.

------------------------------
P.P.S.... Bud "Got Steroids?" Selig must go.

A List of Jewish Musicians

(Jewish AMERICAN, to be more accurate...)

A

• Paula Abdul
• Maurice Abravanel
• Joseph Achron
• Stanley Adams (singer)
• Chris Adler
• Kurt Herbert Adler
• Larry Adler
• Peter Herman Adler
• Richard Adler
• Samuel Adler (composer)
• Steven Adler
• Willie Adler
• Milton Ager
• Eden Ahbez
• Fred E. Ahlert
• Lynn Ahrens
• Harry Akst
• Alisha (singer)
• Herb Alpert
• Louis Alter
• Sean Altman
• Ames Brothers
• Ed Ames
• David Amram
• Harold Arlen
• Baruch Arnon
• Howard Ashman
• Leopold Auer
• Emanuel Ax

B

• Milton Babbitt
• Babydaddy
• Carmit Bachar
• Burt Bacharach
• Marty Balin
• Alex Band
• Joey Baron
• Blue Barron
• Barry Sisters
• Jeff Barry
• George Bassman
• Marion Bauer
• Eric Bazilian
• Shoshana Bean
• Beck
• Walter Becker
• Laurie Beechman
• Benny Bell
• Joshua Bell
• Bob Berg
• Arthur Berger
• Irving Berlin
• David Berman (singer)
• Dan Bern
• Elmer Bernstein
• Leonard Bernstein
• Theodore Bikel
• Jack Black
• Jay Black
• Hal Blaine
• Marc Blitzstein
• Eric Bloom
• Jane Ira Bloom
• Mike Bloomfield
• Bob Blue
• David Blue
• Hugh Blumenfeld
• Michael Bolton
• Victor Borge
• Leon Botstein
• Rob Bourdon
• Ruby Braff
• Michael Brecker
• Randy Brecker
• Fanny Brice
• Jim Brickman
• Matthew Broderick
• Adam Brodsky
• Chuck Brodsky
• Adam Brody
• David Bromberg
• Jason Robert Brown
• Lew Brown
• Carrie Brownstein
• Bob Brozman
• David Bryan
• Bumblefoot (musician)

C

• Sammy Cahn
• Uri Caine
• Randy California
• Eddie Cantor
• Vanessa Carlton
• Eric Carmen
• Cass Elliot
• Saul Chaplin
• Martin Charnin
• Kenneth Chasen
• Chantal Claret
• Buddy Clark
• Al Cohn
• Marc Cohn
• Anthony Coleman
• Betty Comden
• Carol Connors (singer)
• Aaron Copland
• Chris Cornell
• Doug Cotler
• Creation (band)
• Linda Creed

D

• Leopold Damrosch
• Walter Johannes Damrosch
• Richard Danielpour
• Eddie Daniels
• Dave Samuels
• Hal David
• Sammy Davis, Jr.
• Brad Delson
• Marcella Detroit
• David Diamond (composer)
• Ani DiFranco
• Disco D
• Antal Doráti
• David Draiman
• Ervin Drake
• Deborah Drattell
• Jacob Druckman
• Spencer Dryden
• Adam Duritz
• Richard Dworsky
• Bob Dylan
• Jakob Dylan

E

• Elliot Easton
• Fred Ebb
• Gus Edwards (songwriter)
• Mike Einziger
• Ramblin' Jack Elliott
• Abraham Ellstein
• Mischa Elman
• Ziggy Elman
• Evan and Jaron
• Ray Evans

F

• Donald Fagen
• Sammy Fain
• Perry Farrell
• Anthony Fedorov
• Michael Feinstein
• Morton Feldman
• Emanuel Feuermann
• Sylvia Fine
• Sally Fingerett
• Doctor Fink
• William Finn
• John Fischer
• Eddie Fisher (singer)
• Béla Fleck
• Helen Forrest
• Lukas Foss
• Gabriela Lena Frank
• Scott Frankel
• David Freiberg
• Dean Friedman
• Debbie Friedman
• Kinky Friedman
• Marty Friedman (guitarist)
• Rudolf Friml
• Dave Frishberg
• Tatiana von Fürstenberg

G

• Kenny G
• Adam Gardner
• Art Garfunkel
• Michel Gelbart
• Bruce Geller
• Arthur Gershwin
• George Gershwin
• Ira Gershwin
• Stan Getz
• Georgia Gibbs
• Terry Gibbs
• Miriam Gideon
• Josef Gingold
• Joe Gittleman
• Sam Glaser
• Philip Glass
• Alma Gluck
• Louise Goffin
• Ari Gold (singer-songwriter)
• Aaron Goldberg
• Edwin Franko Goldman
• Rubin Goldmark
• Jerry Goldsmith
• Joel Goldsmith
• Adam Goldstein
• Al Goodman
• Benny Goodman
• Saul Goodman
• Steve Goodman
• Mack Gordon
• Mikalah Gordon
• Mike Gordon
• Nina Gordon
• Lesley Gore
• Adam Goren
• Igor Gorin
• Eydie Gormé
• Morton Gould
• Broken Hearts On Ice
• Adam Green (musician)
• Adolph Green
• Yossi Green
• Norman Greenbaum
• Alex Greenwald
• Ellie Greenwich
• Henry Gross
• Adam Guettel

H

• Dolly Haas
• Karl Haas
• Petra Haden
• Marvin Hamlisch
• Oscar Hammerstein I
• Otto Harbach
• Yip Harburg
• Larry Harlow (musician)
• Mickey Hart
• Jerry Herman
• Louis Hirsch
• Joel Hirschhorn
• Susanna Hoffs
• Judy Holliday
• James Horner
• Hot Karl (rapper)
• Rob Hyman

I

• Janis Ian
• Scott Ian
• Michael Ivins

J

• JDub Records
• Byron Janis
• George Jessel (actor)
• Greg Cohen
• Billy Joel
• Al Jolson

K

• Roger Wolfe Kahn
• Kitty Kallen
• Kalmar and Ruby
• Bert Kalmar
• John Kander
• Lucy Kaplansky
• Yoheved Kaplinsky
• Al Kasha
• Yuri Katz
• Jorma Kaukonen
• Lenny Kaye
• Lainie Kazan
• Walter Kent
• Jerome Kern
• Aaron Jay Kernis
• Carole King
• Solomon King
• Gershon Kingsley
• Alexander Kipnis
• Leon Kirchner
• Ted Koehler
• Lee Konitz
• Al Kooper
• Bari Koral
• Michael Korie
• Artie Kornfeld
• Erich Wolfgang Korngold
• Dave Koz
• Joey Kramer
• Fritz Kreisler
• Robby Krieger
• Hilly Kristal
• Ben Kweller

L

• Abbe Lane
• Jonathan Larson
• Phoebe Snow (musician)
• Steve Lawrence
• The LeeVees
• Tom Lehrer
• Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller
• Mitch Leigh
• Leopold Lichtenberg
• David Levi (musician)
• Tony Levin
• Adam Levine
• Jacques Levy
• Lou Levy (pianist)
• Andrew Lippa
• Jay Livingston
• Lisa Loeb
• Frederic Loewe
• Lou Reed
• Brian Lowdermilk

M

• Melissa Manchester
• Barry Manilow
• Richard Manitoba
• Herbie Mann
• Dick Manning
• David Marks (musician)
• Johnny Marks
• Tony Martin (entertainer)
• Matisyahu
• Max Bemis
• Mayim Bialik
• Country Joe McDonald
• Eric Melvin
• Alan Menken
• Idina Menzel
• Robert Merrill
• Mezz Mezzrow
• Miami Boys Choir
• Michael Diamond
• Bette Midler
• Mitch Miller
• Mirah
• Mordechai ben David
• Rod Morgenstein
• Matt Morginsky
• Jerome Moross
• Keith Morris
• Morton Subotnick

N

• Andy Narell
• Nat Wolff
• Neil Diamond
• Neil Sedaka
• Joshua Nelson
• David Newman (composer)
• Lionel Newman
• Randy Newman
• Thomas Newman
• Juice Newton
• Laura Nyro

O

• Phil Ochs
• Jane Olivor
• Eugene Ormandy

P

• Lindsay Pagano
• Gwyneth Paltrow
• Mitchell Parish
• Adam Pascal
• Mandy Patinkin
• Sara Paxton
• Jan Peerce
• Stephen Perkins
• George Perle
• Roberta Peters
• Rain Phoenix
• Phranc
• Pink (singer)
• Doc Pomus
• Alisan Porter
• Mike Portnoy
• Princess Superstar

R

• Buck Ram
• Joey Ramone
• Shulamit Ran
• Judith Raskin
• Genya Ravan
• Rick Recht
• Regina Resnik
• Steve Reich
• Malvina Reynolds
• Marc Ribot
• Buddy Rich
• Jonathan Richman
• Bobby Z.
• Leo Robin
• George Rochberg
• Richard Rodgers
• Red Rodney
• Barry Rogers
• Shorty Rogers
• Sigmund Romberg
• Harold Rome
• Billy Rose
• Leonard Rose
• Jerry Ross (composer)
• Emmy Rossum
• David Lee Roth
• Ned Rothenberg
• Marilyn Rovell
• David Rovics
• Arthur Rubinstein
• Harry Ruby

S

• Rachael Sage
• JD Samson
• Felicia Sanders
• Adam Sandler
• Mark Sandman
• Walter Scharf
• Chuck Schuldiner
• William Schuman
• Arthur Schwartz
• Jonathan Schwartz (radio)
• Stephen Schwartz (composer)
• Evan Seinfeld
• Lhasa de Sela
• Jon Shain
• Howard Shanet
• Artie Shaw
• Sherman Brothers
• Al Sherman
• Allan Sherman
• Richard M. Sherman
• Robert B. Sherman
• Neil Shicoff
• David Shire
• Dinah Shore
• Mort Shuman
• Shyne
• Beverly Sills
• Sheila Silver
• Shel Silverstein
• Gene Simmons
• Carly Simon
• Paul Simon
• Zoot Sims
• Matthew Sklar
• Hillel Slovak
• Alexander Smallens
• Pat Smear
• Willie "The Lion" Smith
• Ted Snyder
• Jill Sobule
• Stephen Sondheim
• Regina Spektor
• Sam Spiegel (musician)
• Nancy Spungen
• Paul Stanley
• Mike Starr (musician)
• Chris Stein
• Jim Steinman
• Lya Stern
• Al Stillman
• Morris Stoloff
• Sylvia Straus
• Barbra Streisand
• Charles Strouse
• Jule Styne
• Bobby Susser
• Jessica Sutta
• Sylvain Sylvain
• Sylvia Syms (singer)

T

• Evan Taubenfeld
• Craig Taubman
• Michael Tilson Thomas
• Dimitri Tiomkin
• Ashley Tisdale
• Mel Tormé
• Joe Trohman
• Richard Tucker
• Bertram Turetzky

V

• Nick Valensi
• Valerie Landsburg
• Anneliese van der Pol
• Albert Von Tilzer
• Harry Von Tilzer

W

• Waddy Wachtel
• Fran Warren
• Franz Waxman
• Cynthia Weil
• Alisa Weilerstein
• Max Weinberg
• George David Weiss
• Eric Weissberg
• David Werdyger
• Matthew Wilder
• Frank Wildhorn
• Carnie Wilson
• Josh Wink
• Mare Winningham
• Peter Wolf
• Alex Wolff
• Michael Wolff
• Rachael Worby

Y

• Elliott Yamin
• Pedro Yanowitz
• Peter Yarrow
• David Yazbek
• Maury Yeston
• Pete Yorn

Z

• Z'EV
• Hy Zaret
• Fannie Bloomfield Zeisler
• Efrem Zimbalist
• David Zippel
• John Zorn
• Josh Zuckerman (musician)

Really... Paula Abdul? Would have thought Islam?

And isn't Beck a Space Ranger level Scientologist now?

Lenny Kravitz has a Jewish father, not mother.

OneF, if we're going to start 'outing' Jews in the entertainment business - I'll just post a link to imdb for the actors, okay? I'm not going to start typing that list. Or cut'npastin'. My clipboard isn't large enough.

"He added the Lee to his name to throw off folks like Cap'n and Killre."

WTF are you even TALKING about, man?