Did you ever notice that the best presidents have all killed someone? I looked at a list recently of the 43 presidents we have had in the short-lived life of this great country. I gazed at some names that made me proud and a few that made me squirm (Franklin Pierce, I am looking at you). I had recently read an article that told the surprisingly interesting life of George H. W. Bush. It seems he has killed a man. I wanted to know what other presidents have killed and when. Here is my the first six of my list:
- George Washington: Kind of a no-brainer. You got your French and Indian War and your Revolutionary War. Soldiers, it seems, often kill during war. At least the good ones do. President Washington also gets bonus points for assassinating a Frenchie, Joseph Coulon de Villiers de Jumonville. More bonus points for having TWO horses shot out from under him in the Battle of the Monongahela. Later this battle would be immortalized (to a sad few) in the Monongahela Metal Foundry, a sponsor to Bob and Ray.
- Andrew Jackson: Another soldier. Bonus points for killing a man in a duel. Minus points for being in 103 duels and killing only one man. Bonus points for being the only president who was a prisoner of war which stemmed from his refusal to clean a British officers boots. Bonus points for being the first president with an assassination attempt on his life. Extra bonus for beating the dude with a cane before being pulled off. Finally, his nickname is "Old Hickory" as in "tough as old hickory wood on the battle field." Good move shortening it.
- James Monroe: Soldier. Bonus points for admitting Illinois to the Union. Negative points for accepting Florida. Bonus points for telling the Europeans to fuck off. Negative points for the Missouri Compromise. Big negative for his presidency being referred to as the "Era of Good Feelings." Jackson should have kicked his ass.
- William Henry Harrison: Soldier. Bonus points for winning the Battle of Tippecanoe. Negative points for being nicknamed "Old Tippecanoe." Second oldest president ever (after Reagan) and first to die in office. Where is the They Might Be Giants' song about this guy?
- Zachary Taylor: I will let you decide what his bonus' and negatives are. I just can't believe this guy won an election. Never voted. Not even in the election he was in. Stuttered. Could barely read and was an infamously poor speller. Refused to be sworn in on a Sunday making David Rice Atchinson president pro tempore. Nickname: "Old Rough and Ready." When the South threatened to leave the union he said he would lead the army against them and that he would hang all people who raised arms against him "with less reluctance than he had hanged deserters and spies in Mexico."
- Franklin Pierce: Soldier. After losing the Democratic nomination Pierce claimed, "There is nothing left to do but get drunk." Bonus! Plus a few extra points for running over an old lady in a carriage. Hey, killing is killing. Negatives for not stopping the Civil War, signing the Kansas-Nebraska Act, and declaring his support for the Confederacy. Negative points for being considered the worst president ever until recently.
- Rutherford Hayes: Soldier. Negative for the nickname "Old Granny." Negative for the first stolen election. Ironically, Ruth also used the Republican Supreme Court to decide on the winner of the 1876 election. This is either called the "Great Compromise of 1877" or the "Second Corrupt Bargain" depending on if your pro or anti-slavery. Hayes was also the first president to have his voice recorded. And it was done by Edison! But it is lost. Game over.
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