Die Doze

Maybe it's already happened to you. Maybe it will happen sometime soon. You'll be driving along some highway somewhere and find yourself wondering why That Damned Big Rig seems to be weaving just a little, wandering just a bit, having trouble staying in its lane.

Well, it could be any number of reasons...

[1] I got bored, so I nipped back into the sleeper berth to grab a book. Let's see, now, it should be here somewhere... Oh, don't worry: I'll be back in a few minutes. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?

[2] I'm more frustrated than usual, today, with people getting in front of me and slowing down. So, I'm pretending to be drunk, hoping to discourage others.

[3] Uh-oh. Oh, this isn't good. Uh, there seems to be something wrong with this auto-pilot-thingy. Oh, [expletive!] Help! Does anybody know how to drive one of these things?

[4] HA-HA-HA-HA! Somebody just said something really funny on the CB... probably about you.

[5] I took my hands off the wheel because I had an irresistible impulse to play air-fiddle during the instrumental break in Linda Ronstadt's version of "Silver Threads and Golden Needles." Hey, I didn't say I was proud of it.

[6] Uh, do these lanes look narrow to you?

[7] Not to be too stereotypical, here, but I could be sleepy, you know. I probably shouldn't be driving right now but, you see, the log book says I have to.

[8] *WHUMP!* See? The reason I swerved like that was because of the big, blown, truck tire lying right in the middle of the lane, silly. And the reason I waited until the last second before swerving around it was because, quite frankly, I was tired of you tailgating me.

[9] Are your high-beams on?

[10] AAUUGGHH!! SPIDER IN THE TRUCK!! SPIDER IN THE TRUCK!!

[11] Actually --seriously now-- it might just be your imagination. Sort of like an optical illusion. For whatever reason --and this happens to everybody, now and then, one way or another-- for whatever reason, you just this minute became very, very aware of how big and close that truck is, and how comparatively small your car is. In reality, neither you nor I are doing anything out of the ordinary. It's just that your brain has chosen this particular moment to become hyper-aware of some of the potential dangers of the situation. It makes it seem like the truck is looming closer, when it really isn't.

[12] This one might sound a little crazy until I explain it. See, if I move over onto the shoulder of the highway, just a couple of feet, it's a lot smoother. Many stretches of road --either poorly built or poorly maintained-- have wide, uneven ruts in the right lane, almost like a modern-day wagon trail. It's a very rough and hard-to-control ride. By moving over about a foot and a half, maybe two, I can avoid that.

[13] I just heard Bud "Hmm, Things Are Looking Grimsley" Selig on the radio, announcing yet another feeble gimmick that will cheapen the Grand Old Game... and I've decided to kill myself.