Sep 13, 2013


[editor's note:  the above title was brought to you in part by the noted philosopher Charles M. Schultz, one of the twentieth century's leading proponents of anthropomorphism, punctuational dissonance, and primal scream therapy.]

posted by killre

See, I was going to wait to see how things actually played out.  For the past couple of days, though, that has been every bit as intriguing as watching a large pot of cold water boil.  So, like an old revolver, I'm going to go off half-cocked.  With that disclaimer aside, let's begin...

Well, that was easy enough.  Secretary of State John "The Great Wooden Face" Kerry gives a sarcastic answer to a reporter's perfectly legitimate question --because that's what you want in a prominent foreign minister: someone with all the diplomatic dexterity of a heavily taped defensive tackle who suddenly finds himself on the "hands" squad-- and viola! the rest of the world seizes it like a spider does a fly.

Now, those of you who might be tempted to cast Kerry as crazy like a fox need to remember a couple of things...

1. In the wake of his comments, Kerry's own State Department had to issue an explanation-- a word that, when you think about it, could be at least partly defined as, "a form of apology that does not use any form of the words apology, sorry or regret."

2. This guy is arguably the man most responsible for George W. Bush being elected to a second term.  Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on John Kerry.

While in general the Obama administration's handling of Syria is to Bush's handling of Iraq as Caddyshack-deuce was to Caddyshack, Kerry's fumble-rooskie puts me in mind of an entirely different movie franchise.  Specifically, one infamous, deleted scene from Back to the Future III...

MARTY:  "Wait a minute.  Doc, are you tellin' me... that all we have to do is splice the fuel line, siphon a few gallons of gas out of the other DeLorean that you stashed in the abandoned mine a few days ago, and we can cut this picture short?"

DOC:  "Precisely!  It's a plot hole big enough to drive a stainless steel car through!"

MARTY:  "Yeah, but Doc... I mean, the producers have already bought, like, three steam locomotives and hired a B-list demolitions guy."

DOC (lowers his voice):  "That's nothing, Marty.  If you had any idea how much they paid for the rights to all the Clint Eastwood references, it would give you the shivering fits."

One can't help but wonder how history might be changed if we could fold John Kerry in thirds like the cardboard cutout he is, stuff him into the trunk of a souped-up DMC and flux capacitate his flux cap-ass back in time to apply his "well... duh" pearls of wisdom to other notable events.  Imagine, if you would, John Forbes Kerry poofing into existence in 1860 or so, just in time to become Abraham Lincoln's Secretary of State instead of William Seward.  Kerry holds a press conference at a local pub to address the exit, stage right of the southern states, monotoning, "Look, they can have everything south of Monticello for all we care.  They don't even have to free their slaves.  They just have to send us all their whips and chains."  Then he waves his hands in front of his face and shouts, "Abraca-pocus!"

Pros:  Six hundred thousand are not killed and countless more are not injured in the Civil War; the United States is not held back for more than a century and a half by its southeastern quadrant, like three dozen ants trying to tow a large-type edition of the Good News Bible; and major-college football in the U.S. develops a playoff system in, like, 1938, culminating each year in the Rose Bowl.

Cons:  Okay, slavery continues indefinitely, including in some areas of the North, and that's a drag-- probably even more so for the slaves; despite the benefit of hindsight, Kerry somehow manages to flub the purchase of Alaska from the Russians; and instead of being a TV show, The Dukes of Hazard is a series of folk ballads known only to white people in the Confederacy.

Other:  The U.S. would have some unfamiliar faces on its currency and probably at least one different visage on Mount Rushmore (Lincoln would never have become the beloved martyr who saved the union, for instance; no-one, and I mean no-one, would ever have heard of Grant; and Jackson, while preceding the split by nearly a quarter-century, was a southerner).

Feel free to use the comments button to speculate whose countenance we would be counting instead.

P.S.... Bud "Grover Cleveland Alexander!... Uh, No, Wait" Selig must go.


Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...