Dec 24, 2010

An Atheist Grand Plan

I had planned on writing a massive manifesto of how I'm planning to allow the children in my life to be completely indoctrinated into the mythology of Santa Claus. Hook. Line. Sinker. The magic of spying on them at all hours -- I even plan on using this in July just to keep them on their toes... and to eliminate some of that low pitched whine in their engines.

I figure that once they turn about 7 or 8, they'll question the physics of a fat man in a red suit stopping time and the aerodynamics of flying reindeer. At the very least, the economics of how he somehow manufactures toys and delivers them for nothing more than a handful of stale cookies. How, exactly, does he compete with the Chinese? They've got to be killing him with labor expenses.

I have decided that when a child asks me if Santa is real - I won't just leap out of my chair and tell them. No, it'll be much more nuanced. I'll make the child make his or her case. I'll even toss out the, "Faith" and "Belief" and "I can't prove it, but I believe it..." arguments. In fact, I should probably look up some classic debates to debunk evolution to prepare. Maybe I'll even bust out a picture of Santa on a dinosaur? Nah, that's just cruel.

After a test of faiths - I'll mention the number of people keeping up the lie. Frank Sinatra, pop stars, even Bruce Springsteen are in on the conspiracy. How many businesses are making fist loads of money in Santa's name? How many versions of Santa are there - what are the variances from culture to culture -- or hell, even the different ABC Family cartoon specials?

With just a tiny bit of skill, the lad asking the tough questions may also make the connection to organized religion.

That's my goal, anyway. Ought to save those kids countless hours sitting in church and thousands of dollars.

1 comment:

Cthulhu said...


BRILLIANT f##king plan.


With hope, you will have been learning this wee ones in such a manner that they will possess the intelligence and clear, critical thinking powers to make the link between these two spurious claims.

Good luck.