May 8, 2009

Ivory Coast Story

Here's some SPAM I just got. This seems new - religious SPAM.
All the glory of misspellings and poor grammar left in tact for your reading pleasures. My comments in brackets and bold.

"Dear Respected one [Uh, you obviously have no idea who I am, and I've never ever been called that...]

And may the peace of Our gracious God Jesus Christ be with you And All Your Intire Familys,
[My entire family and my mistress's family? I'm not John Edwards, or a Mormon.]

Please I have a problem which I realy need your urgent help i realy belive that our allmithy God Jesus Christ who directed me to you can not lair to me [I really believe in spell check, but you're right, I can't liar you.]

however is not mandatory nor will I in any manner compel you I am JANET MOLO i am 18 years old girl and the only daughter of my late parents Mr. and Mrs.JOHN MOLO.
[where do I begin with this sentence? The beginning isn't even a sentence, let alone a complete thought. I don't even understand what you're asking here. I know that it's a run on sentence. And why are the names ALL CAPS? But what are you trying to ask?]

My father was a highly reputable business man (a coacoa merchant) [what is a coacoa? Is that a plant or a drug? I really need to know. There's a difference, especially to Christians.] he operated in the capital city of Ivory coast during his days. [The government officially discourages the use of the name Ivory Coast in English, preferring the French name Côte d'Ivoire to be used in all languages. During his days, you mean when he was alive?]

My fathers [You had more than one father?] died mysteriously in France during one of his business trips in abroad on 12th.Febuary 2006. [Is Febuary like February without the cold?] Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who travelled with him at that time.But ONLY GOD knows the truth! [Was this his brother, or his father's brother? If this 'uncle' is suspected, how come only the Lord knows the answer? Is the Lord a witness?]

My mother died when I was just 4 years old on child birth according to what my father told me,The time for her delivery was complete and the doctor did not know because according to my father the doctor told them that my mother was not going through labour because according to his own prediction my mother had about one month more to deliver. [What? She died giving birth to you when you were 4? But you were a month premature?] So before they rialise she was onlabour, it has taken about two days and she became very weak and couldnot make it during child delivery. [I'm still confused. Is this you or your sister? Either way, I'm so confused I don't think my brain pan can process it.] Since then my father took me so special. [He ought to! He was your father.]
Before his death on February 12/ 2006 which came to me as asuprise, [His death was a surprise, but your mother who carried you until age 4, and was in labor for 48 hours, but you were premature - yeah, her death should not be a surprise. Oh, and now you can spell the second month of the year, but cannot work the space bar? Also, your use of commas over periods are really getting on my nerves.]

I have stoped school because i cant afford to pay for my school fees anymore. [And this was a good call - because they taught you how to use the Internet and type, they obviously didn't bother to teach you English fundamentals, or where the spell check button is located.] why becouse the way my uncle is madtreating me is very bad,There is this Amount of Money Five Million Two Hundred Thousand U.S Dollars ($5,200,000.00) which my late Father Mr.JPHN MOLO [Okay, now you can't even spell your late father's name right. Come on. You're not even trying now. And that's US dollars, right? Because I don't want to go through all this work just to have to try to convert Franc's to Euros or dollars.] kept for me in a security company here in Abidjan,Cote D'Ivoire before he was assasinated becuase of his Cocoa Farm Plantation in Cote D'Ivoire. [So now you CAN spell cocoa, and the correct expression of the Ivory Coast? And he just happened to move 5.2 million just before he died? Maybe his moving of this money is what got him killed? I don't know, just a thought.]

My father was assasinated. [Prove it] Now, I have decided to invest these money in your country [I wouldn't invest in American banks. Have you read the newspaper? Ten of America's largest 19 banks need a combined $74.6bn (£50bn) of extra funds to boost their cash reserves. You've only got 5.2 million.] It's going to take or anywhere safe enough outside this country for security purposes.I want you to help me for this matter as i need this money to leave from this country because the money staying in the security company is not giving me any joy. [Tell me about it. Leaving my money in the security company doesn't give me any joy either.] I am explaining my condition to you because of the situation i am facing here in my uncle's house. [You're in his house?! On his computer?] my uncle dont know that my father deposited this money in the security company so please i need you to help me stand as my father buisnass [Buisnass. That's a cool new word you just invented there. How about Biznass instead. There's a little more hip-hop in that spelling.] pathner in abroad, i sopourse to take the money by myself but my father was made agreemant with the security company the money will be giving to me whan i am 30years old but or i come with soon one that will help to invest the money [Well, first off, how would his business partner not know of a deposit of 5.2 million, and I'm not aware of any trust fund that requires the beneficiary to wait until the ripe old age of 30 to collect? There are rules regulating interest bearing trust funds accounts. Perhaps you would like to hire an attorney rather than asking me - a complete stranger - for help?]

so please i need your help please do this for me as you do this our allmithy God Jesus Christ will bless you and all your intire familys, [I really don't see how Jesus has anything - anything - to do with this.]

Please,I really need your help for this box to bring to you in your country for investment purposes as MY late father advice me as his only daughter to look for a partner in abroad that can help me to invest this money on the followings

2 International School
3 Five star hotel
[I'm not any of those, but go on...]

As you help me the security company deliver the box to you in your country.And As soon As i hear from you,i will lead you to the security company where my late Father deposited the Trunk box for you to contact them to negotiate and ask them to tell you how are they Going to deliver the box to you without any problel [You have 5.2 million cash in a Trunk? Why do I have to negotiate with the security company to make a delivery? Have you thought of just using Fed Ex or UPS?]

For your information,my Father did not let the security company to know that money is containing in the Trunk box,[So, now I'm confused again. Your Father deposited 5.2 million in a trunk, left it in the care of a security company that doesn't even know what it is nor has the ability to ship it? Not much of a security company.] i am giving you the secret of the money because i have nothing to hide to you as i have taken you as my only brethren. [Lady, I'm some random dude you're sending an email to. You're better off talking to your Uncle.] May the Our God allmithy in heaven jesus christ give both of us wisdom as i have see that this is the way that our God jesus christ want us to recognised each other. [Again, if you're going to evoke the Almighty, can you show Him the courtesy of spelling his name right - consistently? I'm not even asking for Capitalization, that, I'm afraid, would be too much to ask for.]

Please i want to beg you in the name of our almighty God Jesus Christ for you to be faithull to me. [According to you I have multiple families - how am I going to be faithful to you?] And tell me that you will not cheat me because i am a small girl. [18 isn't a small girl in any country] that you will not cheat on me. I will like to come over to your country and finish my school and get a better husband [Wait-a-minute, you're MARRIED? And you want to trade up? And you're worried about ME cheating on YOU?] and settle down for life, but the most important things i need from you is honest to me becouse i never do this buisness befor in my life [Well, frankly, I've never smuggled 5.2 million in a trunk either. So that makes two of us.] so i will like you to promise me that you can never cheat me when this money get to your contry that you are going to help me invest the money in your contry for a good buisness,

Thank you very much and may Our allmighty in heaven Jesus Christ continue to protect You and your family
Miss Janet Molo
[I think what will protect would be a better spam filter on my e-mail account. Good luck and God bless.

Oh, one last suggestion. You may want to clear the history of your browser, because if your Uncle or your father's uncle, or that guy who killed your father - he might be the kind of guy to keep track of what you're doing on his computer. Watch your back.]


NeverMind said...

I had a similar encounter once. I at one point tried internet "dating" and this is what I got out of it. The girl claimed she worked at a church near here and that her mom had recently died back home in Nigeria. Hmmm, the person sent me a picture of a white girl who was obviously a model. There may be some white models from Nigeria, but that raised the biggest of the red flags right up front. She asked for money to help pay for a coffin and all this noise. I actually wrote the US embassy in Nairobi and asked them if this American citizen (yah right!) had asked for help. They said nope. I didn't need their verification to know it was bullpoo. I had another person send me spam and they used the British spelling of favourite in part of their wording. Hmmm, good try. Speak American!! How do people really fall for these 419 scams? There are baiter sites to get these criminals to give up their identities or send you money. Hey, if you can steal from a thief then is that a crime?

Candyman said...

Great blog, I got your link from you comment over at DD2's blog.

Keep punching. We lost DD2 and we don't want to lose any more good bloggers.

Susannah said...

I'm w/ Candyman - found you @ DD2's. I like your wit here!

Keep up the good work!

LauraB said...

LMAO, I also followed your link form the "great one" DD2's blog.

This blog is a super one. Keep it going, I'll be back again....often.