May 3, 2009

GI Joe and Transformers CHANNEL

Discovery Kids Network to be Eaten by Unicron to create the 24 Hour Kid's Toys Cartoon CHANNEL!

Wow. As a parent and a free thinker that knows that kids under 10 years old cannot distinguish between programming and advertisements....[citation? JAMA, Child Psychology Today, Common Sense! Oh fine, here's a link to science...]

On the flip side - as a regular readers of Blasphemes know, I am a child stuck in 1979, and this absolutely appeals to my interests.

So here's the press release...[translations in brackets, because I can speak press release]

Hasbro and Discovery Communications Announce Joint Venture to Create Television Network Dedicated to High-Quality Children's and Family Entertainment and Educational Content
[Hasbro Cartoon Channel]

In Late 2010; TV Network to Reach Approximately 60 Million Nielsen Households in the U.S. Served by Discovery Kids Channel -- [Allow me to translate - The dismal underperforming Discovery Kids, which has the ability to reach 60 Million brain caps - but is only watched by .009% of that audience... because those little bastards prefer Spongebob and Dorra instead of our crap - so our crap will be 'Transformed' into the Hasbro Channel. Pun intended.]

Both the network and the venture’s online component will feature content from Hasbro’s rich portfolio of entertainment and educational properties [Reruns of Transformers, and "educational" means the 30 second Gi Joe PSA's] built over the past 90 years, including original programming for animation, game shows, and live-action series and specials. New programming will be based on brands such as ROMPER ROOM, TRIVIAL PURSUIT, SCRABBLE, CRANIUM, MY LITTLE PONY, G.I. JOE, GAME OF LIFE, TONKA and TRANSFORMERS, among many others. [Everything Hasbro makes, and we'll air any old VHS tapes of toys - that we're still making or still have the license to.]

The TV network and online presence also will include content from Discovery’s extensive library of award-winning children’s educational programming, such as BINDI THE JUNGLE GIRL, ENDURANCE, TUTENSTEIN, HI-5, FLIGHT 29 DOWN and PEEP AND THE BIG WIDE WORLD, as well as programming from third-party producers. [These other things you've never heard of will be coming soon to a Toys R Us near you! Or will be canceled in favor of a second hour of Transformers Beast Wars re-runs. Whatever works.]

“This joint venture reinforces Discovery’s strategy to develop strong brands, maximize the potential of our extensive distribution in the U.S. and work with the highest quality content partners to create long-term value,” [This is nothing but hot air about 60 million kids that 'could' tune in. Hello, McDonald's, we'd like your money.] said David Zaslav, President and CEO of Discovery Communications. “Brian Goldner and the dynamic management team at Hasbro have a long track record of developing well-respected quality brands that entertain and encourage creative play. [We're making 30 minute ads for kids that we're pretending is content.]

The combined assets of both partners provide a compelling platform for building a trusted children’s destination that engages and enlightens a thirsty and growing audience. [Heh, I'm bullsh*tting you, it's the Hasbro Toy Channel]."


WaffleMan said...

Will they carry The Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobots Hour?

NeverMind said...

I wish I knew what the other half of the battle really was. Sigh...