Fear and Loathing in Consumer Land
First stop, OK Purchase. Typically, greeted at the door by the yellow shirt guy. He pretends to welcome me to the store, while I know that this same guy will hassle me in about a half an hour. He’ll just assume that I have shoplifted half the store, and then using his crack security skills, he’ll be able to scan my items and my receipt and analyze both to see that I have - in fact - purchased what is in my bag. Incredible ninja skills, these yellow shirts have, no?
Meantime, I pinpoint exactly where my Venture Bros. Season Three is being held – the sticker is a shocking $26.00, which I can only assume is what they’ll be charging for this treasure next week. This is why when I do purchase, I always make sure I go the first week it is out, before the following Tuesday. Either that, or wait about six months for it to go on sale again.
There’s a goonish looking fellow blocking my way. I wait patiently, and even back off and scan the isle to see what else is out this week. How many Kung Fu Pandas are there now? What’s taking this guy so long? I realize that he’s trying to buy Twilight, but can’t do it in front of me. He’s pretending to look at other things, and then he eventually grabs a copy of Twilight and runs away. Look, I want to tell you goon, this isn’t the “behind the curtain” area of the VHS rental store. I don’t care in there what you’re looking at. Really. I care even less what you’re buying here. I DO care that you’re taking my time. Finally I grab the copy of what I’m looking for.
By some act of kindness, I had a left over gift card, AND a coupon from a bag of chips I ate once about a year ago. The total came out to $1.35. I had assumed it would have come out ahead, but the tax man got me. Time to get hassled by Mr. Yellow Shirt.
I’m in the parking lot. There are a strange, disproportionate number of men sitting in their running cars. It’s not yet lunchtime. It’s a little creepy. They can’t all be listening to something on NPR, or finishing a phone call. What’s going on? Time to get out of here.
I’m kind of hungry. Oooh, time to whip out that Costco card for a cheep ass lunch!
The parking lot of Costco is a game of Grand Theft Auto where you aren’t supposed to hit the people or the cars coming out of no where. Insanity has begun.
I still can’t believe the insanity surrounding a free tasting at the Costco. People will do the most ridiculous jumps and elbow moves to get a taste of an oil dripped corner of a ravioli.
I decide that what I went in there for was just coffee. I give up on my cart – which is a near fatal mistake! The cart is protection from imbeciles wandering the store staring at all the stuff. Everyone is hypnotized inside a Costco, and only the giant carts keep people from getting run over.
I make my way to the lines, which are gigantic for 11:30 AM. There are only three lanes open. In front of me are the two old ladies who have “Split” their cart, are trying to figure out who’s buying what, and of course they’re both writing checks. I haven’t written a check in so long, let alone by being a complete dick and do it in a store… a store where there’s fifty people waiting behind me. There are fifteen Indian people, all sharing carts kind of "hanging out" next to the line, without being "In the line" = I have a thing of coffee. No cart. Fugg'em I'm asserting that I'm ahead of them. For an instant I feel that I'm cutting. I find the one of the fifteen who is speaking English. "Sorry, I didn't realize that you were actually in line. I'll be quick." I show him my one item. I might be a dick, but I owed up to it.
I buy a Polish for a $1.50. There aren’t any picnic tables so I just ate it on one of the multiple empty cash register areas. Now it’s time to wait in line for ten minutes while security lady counts the items and slashes the receipt. Of course I’m behind my two ladies again. And the fifteen Indian folks who have already split up all their items. That means they just got finished at my register. And there’s a boxer/military kind of guy getting a cart of eggs – like millions of eggs – and fake coffee creamer in front of me. I’m sure if they sold ammo, this would have been his one stop shop. He looks very angry. Maybe he didn't get a corner of the oily pasta kind of thing?
A little Chinese guy starts creeping around me! Look, he could be Korean. I don’t know, I didn’t ask him. But he was determined to either shove that cart up my ass, or to sneak around me and my good friend from the compound in front of me.
Realizing that the little queue jumper was going to get stabbed if insane guy caught wind of what was about to happen, I opened my mouth.
“Excuse me, Sir? There’s a bit of a LINE we’ve got here…”
I just saved this little man’s life.
Time to get back into the demolition derby of SUV’s and silly people running around aimlessly in the Costco parking lot. I spot a couple more dudes sitting in idling cars. That still doesn’t make sense to me.
Time to get back into the bunker and tell you all about my fun! I gotta get back to being unemployed and watching Venture Brothers Season Three with the commentary on.