Billboards

The Billboard Liberation Front today announced a major new advertising improvement campaign executed on behalf of clients AT&T and the National Security Agency.

More Advice

Hey, Poppa OneF - looks like the Obama Family has some advice for you too! Here's how to raise your child:

"If your child misbehaves in school, don't cuss out the teacher. You know I'm right about that," he said, and with the audience laughing and clapping, shifted into a lecture about nutrition and the plague of early-onset diabetes, with comments unlikely to turn up in the next ad campaign from a certain fried chicken chain.

"We can't keep on feeding our children junk all day long, giving them no exercise," he said. "If folks are just letting kids drink eight sodas a day, which some parents do, or you know, eat a bag of potato chips for lunch, or Popeye's for breakfast – y'all have Popeye's, don't you, in Beaumont? I know some of y'all get that cold Popeye's out for breakfast. I know. That's why you're laughing. I caught you. You can't do that."(link)

And Michelle Obama said not to raise your child to be an attorney or hedge fund manager:

"We don't need a world full of corporate attorneys and hedge-fund managers."

She might have been talking about someone else though. I'm glad they've taken an interest in raising your child too. Shows they care.

Advice

Cap'n's Advice for new Poppa OneF.

1. You're going to get a lot of advice on how to raise your child. Solicited or not. My response to this advice has been, "Sure, we'll be sure to [insert useless advice that was not asked for here] as long as you'll be paying for this kid's diapers/college/therapy...
2. Cash that check first, and then implement said advice.
3. I heard this one a lot, "It gets better." They're lying. Don't believe them.
4. It does NOT get better - it CHANGES.
5. You cannot base tomorrow on what happened today - if this doesn't make sense, it will.
   
6. Avoid using your child's Social Security number for the first six months. Wrecking her credit score should wait until the kid can at least sit up on her own.
7. I would recommend you see my previous thoughts on appropriate baby music - and in doing so please remember how excited you were to chastise those thoughts 18 months ago. If it works out for you, I would like an apology. Note: I used the word "appropriate" a moment ago, because I imagine that the baby has already been rocked to sleep with Tom Waits or Leonard Cohen - simply because these are the most 'soothing' artists in your collection.
8. Good luck, Daddy. It's not about you anymore.
9. Please refer to point one. No, there will not be a check.
10. Give my love to the ladies.
    

Notes on the Trail

Who first made a big deal of Obama's middle name? Sen. Bob Kerrey (D-NE).

Who ran around and talked about him selling drugs, and maybe being a coke dealer? Clinton Co-Chair Bill Shaheen.

Who started playing the race card? Bob Johnson of BET.

Who was caught for sending an email claiming he's a Muslim? From their campaign office?

Who released the picture of Obama in the turban?

Methinks' Twas no Rebublican, English.

I learn

For future fathers:

1. Do not announce to a waiting room full of mothers that you now know more about baby vagina than you ever wanted.
2. There is no need to announce that Super Dad is in the 7-11.
3. No need to thank the child for paying for the War in Iraq. They know all about it. It's Bush that cannot figure it out.
4. "Milkshake the baby" although a great name for a game is in fact not a fun game for the baby. "Milkshake the booby" is a great name and a great game for moms. Ask the baby.
5. That is normal poop. For a baby.
6. Sleep is a commodity. But you can not buy when it is down hoping to sell when it is high. College kids would be waaay too rich that way and children would starve.

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

Life and Death

Hello my friends.

Long Time. I was unable to post for a while but am back and ready to go. I have some very sad news and some very happy news. Even though I probably should not combine, I will.

Monday February 11th, Cassius Clay, my dog of almost twelve years, passed away of a heart attack. For those not in the know, Cassius was my best friend and companion for over a decade. He was born in an apartment on Buckingham place while I was babysitting my roommates dog. He was always a ladies dog and the reason my (to be later) wife first talked to me. She thought it was cute that I walked my dog in my breast pocket. After being too chicken to ask her out, I enlisted his help and he landed me the most special woman I have known.

He was an extraordinary ball catcher, frisbee dog, swimmer, treat catcher, and lover. He was a traveller that especially loved North Carolina and Tennessee.

On Monday morning Cassius had a heart attack. I was able to bring him back once with mouth to snout resuscitation. We took him to the Emergency Vet where he suffered his second and final attack. Anyone that met him knows how much of a loss that was for our family. I was about to fill you in when I could type without crying when . . .

Friday February 22 at 5:33PM Lilliana Lee, my first child and "cutest baby ever" was born. My wife and I were at the hospital for her birth and are now foster parents in the process of adopting her. She is precious and instantly filled the absence that Cassius left and then some. In order not to harass you in a blog that is generally not always the most family friendly (and to avoid any social worker having any doubts of my parenting because of opinions I may hold) I have a second blog that is merely pictures of her. If you would like to see them, they are here.

This past month has seen my life change quite a bit. In a few short days I have discovered some of the most frightening and shocking things in my little darling's diapers. The baby was home about two hours before we ran upstairs to our neighbors (with young daughter) to make sure some of these diaper issues were normal. Shockingly, they were.

For you ass-clowns that think it is funny to tell me how you are going to date my daughter (which I, too, thought was funny until Friday) please note you will be about 60 when she is legal. And you are ugly. Just saying . . .

Now, you are stuck with me again. I am back. And this baby does sleep. Oh, how the baby sleeps. Plenty of time for me to comment on why McCain can bite me and why the most common middle name of serial killers is Wayne.

Gang Violence Insantiy

LA, CA - A gunman fired into a crowd of children and adults at a South Los Angeles bus stop Wednesday, wounding eight, authorities said. Four were in critical condition.

The shooting occurred around 3:15 p.m. at Central and Vernon avenues. Two of the victims ran away and were found wounded outside a nearby middle school, police said.

The gunman ran away after firing the shots, said police.

So the LA gangs are getting sick of not enough props in the news? They have to mimic the actions of goddamned white EmoDicklessAsshole to get more screen time?

These goddamned idiots critically wounded a 10-year-old girl, an 11-year-old girl, a 12-year-old girl and a 49-year-old woman.

A 12-year-old girl, a 14-year-old boy and two men, ages 48 and 68, had minor injuries.

Ezequiel Cornejo, 23, a tire mechanic, said he heard about 10 gunshots just after neighborhood schools let out.

"After that I saw a little girl running, she was running back to the school, she was holding her arm," he said.

It was the second major outburst of street violence in the city in a week's span.

Gang-related shootings carried out in broad daylight in the city's northeast area on Feb. 21 led to a gunbattle in which police killed one gunman, wounded another and swarmed a neighborhood with heavily armed officers who captured a third suspect.

Police said the gunbattle involved members of a notorious gang entrenched in that area for decades.

And like typical gang-bangers - the only targets they hit were defenseless women and children! To accentuate just how stupid these f**cking pricks are, they merely WOUNDED the defenseless women and children!

The other interesting thing I'm gleaming off this gang report - is that the perps 'ran'. Have you ever been to LA? There was no car?

Hold on. No one runs. No one walks. I'm going to tell you that these "gangbangers" were children.

Oh, and I blame the rap music, GTA, and MySpace for this shooting...

Anyone want to take the over-under on this being another gun-free-zone success story?

Bug Movie 3 (update)

Remember when I said there was a third Starship Troopers movie coming out?

Yeah, I saw the trailer - it's here (link) - and I'd rather put a dancing robot toy on the main page of Blasphemes than this rockin' clud tosser of a trailer up.

View only if you're bored at work and have 2:00 minutes to kill - and never get back from your life.

There's a reason this is going straight to DVD.

Evolution Dance

Optimus Prime's Evolution of Dance... No wonder Megatron wants to kill this guy.

Zell: Cash for Wrigley Naming? OK with Me!

The chief executive officer of the Tribune Company says he won’t hesitate to sell the naming rights to Wrigley Field—even if baseball purists don’t like the idea.

During an interview on CNBC, Sam Zell says despite Wrigley Field being known worldwide, he didn’t get a discount because he wasn’t going to use the naming rights that the field represents.

Zell said he plans to sell the Cubs and Wrigley separately and in his own time frame. He also disclosed that Major League Baseball has approved “four or six” potential ownership groups and that any one of them would be fine.

The sale of the team has been delayed by Zell’s plan to sell the team and the stadium separately, and to have a state agency acquire and renovate Wrigley.

Guess it's time to petition Wrigley to buy those rights?
We can have an Orbit Left field, the Airwaves Right field, the Extra score board, the Hubba Bubba Dugga Outta, The Big League Chew café, the Double Mint ivy... You could make an Altoids mint selling naming rights to everything in the joint - or the Big Red bricks.

Obama Endorsed

The infamous ex-Klansman David Duke and Louis Farakan have both endorsed Obama.

That's incredible.

A uniter for sure.

Found on the Internet

I don't have a post for this - other than that this is real. (link, proof, whatever)

Okay, I do kind of wonder if it keeps the iambic pentameter.

Buckley: Tits Up

William F. Buckley has died, here's his "chat" with Chomsky.

Toll Workers Stipped of Arms. Toll collectors were ARMED?

Rethinking every time I didn't have correct change or put the transceiver in the wrong car accidentally, I was shocked to read this story about the Massachusetts toll workers first losing their sidearms, and second that they HAD sidearms!

“It’s absurd,” said state Sen. Steve Baddour (D-Methuen). “The last time I saw a toll taker carrying a gun was when Sonny got blown away in ‘The Godfather.’"

First off, I can imagine why the Local 127 is fighting this change in policy. According to the article, employees were carry .38-caliber handguns to protect themselves while transporting cash from toll booths to a central holding facility. I can imagine this happens at all hours of the day, and there isn't exactly any support or other security. Granted, who wants to rob bags of change? But if you knew how much those tolls collected - it might be enough of a target for some stupid meth-head. That is, if they had enough money to get on the toll way in the first place.

The opposition to the armed toll collectors stems from the fact that these workers haven't had formal training. And frankly, if they allow them to carry after a formal gun safety course or certified police-styled training, then I support their decision.

In the meantime, I will redouble my efforts to have correct change at the booth, and will smile politely when I drop my contribution to the toll collector pension fund. (link-o to story-o)

Gun-Free Zones are Magnets for Attacks

Source Link - cutn'dapasted without permission
BY JOHN R. LOTT JR.

NIU, City Council in Kirkwood, MO, The Westroads Mall in Omaha, Neb., the Trolley Square Mall in Salt Lake City and Tinley Park Mall in Illinois, or all the public school attacks, they had one thing in common: They took place in "gun-free zones."

The malls in Omaha and Salt Lake City were in states that let people carry concealed handguns, but private property owners are allowed to post signs that ban guns; those malls were among the few places in their states that chose such a ban.

In the Trolley Square attack, an off-duty police officer fortunately violated the ban and stopped the attack. The attack at Virginia Tech or the other public school attacks occur in some of the few areas within their states that people are not allowed to carry concealed handguns.

It is not just recent killings that are occurring in these gun-free zones. The Columbine High School shooting left 13 murdered in 1999; Luby's Cafeteria in Killeen, Texas, had 23 who were fatally shot by a deranged man in 1991; and a McDonald's in Southern California had 21 people shot dead in 1984.

Nor are these horrible incidents limited to just gun-free zones in the U.S. In 1996, Martin Bryant killed 35 people in Port Arthur, Australia. In the last half-dozen years, European countries — including France, Germany and Switzerland — have experienced multiple-victim shootings. The worst in Germany resulted in 17 deaths; in Switzerland, one attack claimed the lives of 14 regional legislators.

These murderers aren't just picking their targets at random.

Even when attacks occur, having civilians with permitted concealed handguns limits the damage. A major factor in determining how many people are harmed by these killers is the amount of time that elapses between when the attack starts and someone is able to arrive on the scene with a gun.

In cases from the Colorado Springs church shooting last December, in which a parishioner who was given permission by the minister to carry her concealed gun into the church quickly stopped the murder, to an attack last year in downtown Memphis to the Appalachian Law School to high schools in such places as Pearl, Miss., concealed handgun permit holders have stopped attacks well before uniformed police could possibly have arrived. Just a few weeks ago, Israeli teachers stopped a terrorist attack at a school in their country.

Indeed, despite the fears being discussed about the risks of concealed handgun permit holders, I haven't found one of these multiple-victim public shootings where a permit holder has accidentally shot a bystander.

With about 5 million Americans currently with concealed handgun permits in the U.S., and with states starting to have right-to-carry laws for as long as 80 years, we have a lot of experience with these laws and one thing is very clear: Concealed handgun permit holders are extremely law-abiding. Those who lose their permits for any gun-related violation are measured in the hundredths or thousandths of a percentage point.

We also have a lot of experience with permitted concealed handguns in schools. Prior to the 1995 Safe School Zone Act, states with right-to-carry laws let teachers or others carry concealed handguns at school. There is not a single instance that I or others have found where this produced a single problem.

Though in a minority, a number of universities — from large public schools such as Colorado State and the University of Utah to small private schools such as Hamline in Minnesota — let students carry concealed handguns on school property.

Many more schools, from Dartmouth College to Boise State University, let professors carry concealed handguns. Again, with no evidence of problems.

Few know that Dylan Klebold, one of the two Columbine killers, was closely following Colorado legislation that would have let citizens carry a concealed handgun. Klebold strongly opposed the legislation and openly talked about it.

No wonder, as the bill being debated would have allowed permitted guns to be carried on school property. It is quite a coincidence that he attacked Columbine High School the very day the legislature was scheduled to vote on the bill.

With all the media coverage of the types of guns used and how the criminal obtained the gun, at some point the news media might begin to mention the one common feature of these attacks: They keep occurring in gun-free zones.

Another Win for Evolution

2007: Intelligent design say HIV evolved nothing new. 2008: Scientist say not has HIV evolved new features but that these evolutionary biology results "led to new drug targets for new HIV/AIDS therapies" Thanks evolutionary biology!

(Link to the incredibly hard follow original post, unless you're a microbiologist, that is)

Now I think that Doonsbury is one of the worst comic strips - it's usually not funny, or all that politically scathing, so it's just half-assed. However, when I read the story, this is the first thing I thought of. If it's not big enough for you to read, click on it - it shall im-big-en itself, like all the pictures on Blasphemes. Enjoy.

The Story You Haven't Heard

Kurt William Havelock pulled up to his parking spot. The festivities were already beginning.

This was it.

He looked over his shoulder at the 200 rounds of ammunition. His manifesto was in order, and already on its way to the media outlets. Kurt was ready to make his statement with his AR-15. He reminded himself why he was doing it. He remembered the words that he had written and already sent along.

"No one destroys my dream. No one. I will test the theory that bullets speak louder than words... I will slay your children. I will shed the blood of the innocent."

Then he took a deep breath. Then another.

The shopping center wasn't working for him. He talked himself out of it there. Too many kids? Not enough? But the Super Bowl. That was more like it.

He made sure his handwritten note "do not resuscitate" was easy to find.

He took another deep breath.

He hesitated.

Again he remembered the words he had written...

"All this boils down down to an econopolitical confrontation. I cannot outvote, outspend, outtax or outincarcerate my enemies... but for a brief moment, I can outgun them."

He remembered applying for the liquor license at a meeting with the Tempe City Council. His restaurant, called The Haunted Castle, was going to be the perfect! A Halloween-themed goth bar which he knew would have attracted customers, musicians and actors.

The city council vote wasn't going to get him the license, but a "yes" there would have been almost as good as a rubber stamp to the Arizona State Liquor Board -- which has the real authority to grant or deny applications.

It was supposed to be easy. Everyone said it would be. His wife, his kid, everything was riding on that. One stupid vote. He knew that anyone can get a liquor license application approved. Except this time. My time. Those bastards on the Tempe City Council voted 6-1 against me after someone told them the damned nickname of the bar!

"Drunkenstein's"

"The Patriots versus the Giants... do you see an ironic parallel? How many dollars will you lose? And all because you took my right to work, to own a business, from me."

"Perhaps [web sites] will print up some cool t-shirts like 'I survived Super Bowl XLII.'"

He clenched his fists. Kick-off coming up. It was time.

He paused. He looked at the AR-15. Another deep breath. Then he saw his phone.

He hesitated.

He dialed his parents. He crumpled up his note and stuffed it under his seat.

"Hi, dad..."

Shocked, they told him to turn himself in.

Havelock did turn himself in and was arrested and jailed without bail because Magistrate Judge Edward V. Ross said the letters contained the most "chilling words" he had ever seen.

He has been indicted on six counts of sending threatening communications, according to court documents filed Tuesday the 19th in federal court.

According to authorities, Havelock has no criminal history and no history of mental illness. In fact, a mental health evaluation conducted following his arrest found "no mental defects."

I have printed Kurt's name because he did not go through with it. He turned himself in. I wish this story had been reported more before the two shootings in Illinois. Perhaps this story would have helped prevent the other two.

Ice Age?! - Hey, wait a minute...II

Snow cover over North America and much of Siberia, Mongolia and China is greater than at any time since 1966. (link-o)

The U.S. National Climatic Data Center (NCDC) reported that many American cities and towns suffered record cold temperatures in January and early February. According to the NCDC, the average temperature in January "was -0.3 F cooler than the 1901-2000 (20th century) average."

China is surviving its most brutal winter in a century.

In just the first two weeks of February, Toronto received 70 cm of snow, smashing the record of 66.6 cm for the entire month set back in the pre-SUV, pre-Kyoto, pre-carbon footprint days of 1950.

And remember the lost Arctic Sea ice that will kill the polar bears off? The ice that last fall had melted to its "lowest levels on record? Never mind that those records only date back as far as 1972 and that there is anthropological and geological evidence of much greater melts in the past....

Well, that ice is back.

Gilles Langis, a senior forecaster with the Canadian Ice Service in Ottawa, says the Arctic winter has been so severe the ice has not only recovered, it is actually 10 to 20 cm thicker in many places than at this time last year.

One winter does not a climate make. It might be premature to claim an Ice Age is looming.

But if environmentalists and environment reporters can run around shrieking about the manmade destruction of the natural order every time a robin shows up on Georgian Bay two weeks early, then it is at least fair game to use this winter's weather stories to wonder whether the alarmist are being a tad premature.

And the rest of the article is just a re-post of MY article from last week about the new Ice Age based on less activity in the Sun.

Awesome Demands Awesome

Michael Bay is doing a Freddy movie - and he's casting Lex Luthor from that Smallville show to play Freddy. There are rumors this is happening. Bad script and all CGI. Can't wait for this one!!

Oscar Snubs Whoopi

Whoopi Goldberg was snubbed - and cried about it on the View -
Goldberg appeared stumped that the academy would leave her out of the one clip, as well as repeat host Steve Martin.

This has made national news.

I think it's funny as hell.

Star Wars According to a 3 Year Old Girl

Cute. But I wonder if most females out there view Star Wars this way?

Bug Movie 3

Johnny Rico is Back!
With a storyline closer to the original Heinlein book, and this time including the marauder suits - the large exoskeletal suits worn by foot soldiers. Director Ed Neumeier (who has written scripts for each film in the franchise, including this one, as well as RoboCop), confirmed an all-star crew of special effects and editing technicians with credits like Terminator 2, 300 and Mission Impossible.

In attendance of the WonderCon in San Francisco to promote the summer release, was Jolene Blalock (of Star Trek: Enterprise fame) and Casper Van Dien, the only cast member from the first movie appearing in the latest sequel (Van Dien wasn't in the low-budget, under-the-radar 2004 sequel Starship Trooper 2).

Van Dien, who upon entering the room was immediately swarmed by fans eager for autographs, was visibly charged by the enthusiastic reception, pumping his fists enthusiastically and shouting out catchphrases from the film... sorry I missed that part.

The 1997 movie Starship Troopers was a military satire, and clips from the new film showed more of the same -- heavy-hitting action shots intercut with cartoony army propaganda segments and lengthy shots of oversized, CGI bugs. The trailer is due on the web Feb. 25, and we'll post it as soon as it's released.

Would you like to learn more?

Barack Attacks

Barack is getting attacked fairly hard today.
Here's the picture that's going all over the intertubes and will be talked about until tomorrow.

(Traditional garb is presented to Sen. Barack Obama by elders in Wajir, in northeastern Kenya. Obama's estranged late father was Kenyan and Obama visited the country in 2006. LEFT)

On top of this one, Barack is getting nailed on all kinds of goofy stuff all day today. Anyone still think the Hill is going out quietly? Not a chance. And every single one of these stories don't smell at all like Republicans... they smell like Clintoinians.

More Stories that are hitting today...

• Islamic Links on Obama Web Site
• Poll: Clinton Lead Shrinking in Ohio
• Conservatives Stall Obama's Global Poverty Bill
• Farrakhan Sings Obama's Praises
  
• Obama's women reveal his secret: he hates America

Just so you know - only the last one is really a competent article. It's really a scathing attack on Michelle Obama. You know, why would anyone listen to the candidate's wife.... (cough cough, cough cough!) pardon me... (cough) Hillary! (cough)

And to put a cherry on top: Sam Moore told Democratic Barack to, "stop using my song." Sam Moore of Sam & Dave fame wrote to the Obama campaign asking them to stop using one of the duo's signature songs, "Hold On, I'm Comin'", at campaign rallies. I always thought it was a dirty song, now that clinches it.

Oscar Pool

I won the Oscar pool last night - which is why I never told you who I was going to pick.
The real reason I won, though, was for the Bourne categories... which were editing, sound and sound.

Sound Editing -is an Academy Award granted yearly to a film exhibiting the finest or most aesthetic sound editing or sound design. The award is usually received by the Supervising Sound Editors of the film, perhaps accompanied by the Sound Designers.

Sound Mixing - is an Academy Award that recognizes the finest or most euphonic sound mixing or recording, and is generally awarded to the production sound mixers and re-recording mixers of the winning film.

I'm sure that's cleared up now.

And I haven't been more proud of the Academy Awards. It was short, sweet, and they awarded the best picture of the year! No Country for Old Men. Juno only got the one award for the best screenplay - mostly because the dirty old men of the Academy wanted to see a stripper.

Neil Young Calls Bush a Leader. Wait, what?

Hippie-folk rock superstar Neil Young, who - last time I checked - opposed President Bush's war in Iraq and even released an album last year called "Living with War" with a song on it titled "Let's Impeach the President," nonetheless came to Bush's defense recently.

He said he's a "leader" with perseverance. As Reuters reported (Link), in a conversation at the Sundance Film Festival. He was on stage with former band mate and rehab regular David Crosby. Crosby said there should be a law that persons who can't pronounce the word "nuclear" shouldn't have control over nuclear weapons.

Neil Young promptly disagreed. As reported: "A lot of people have problems pronouncing words and spelling things correctly. It doesn't mean that they're not intelligent,"

Young told Crosby. "You've got to give the guy credit. Do I agree with him? No. Do I think he's stupid? No. Do I think he's a leader? Yes. He led. He took this country where he wanted to take it. And he steadfastly stuck with it all the way."

Neil - I think you're up for a Impious WTF Award!

More Awards!

Ralph Nader has decided to put his hat into the ring - again - and since we're handing out awards today, this Sunday - I thought that this would be a fantastic occasion to hand out a coveted Impious Horse's Ass Award.

We'll even go a step further and hand him a Lifetime Achievement Award for all the trouble that'll save for future events and planning.

Not that Ralph's a bad guy - he did tell America to not buy Pintos since they kind of exploded when they were in accidents. His career highlights include acting as a consumer advocate and attorney; consultant to U.S. Department of Labor, 1963; founder, Public Citizen research group; author of several books, including Unsafe at Any Speed, 1965.

He has also run for President.

Nader has run for President 5 times effing times.

1992, 1996, 2000, 2004 and now, today, in 2008. The most notable was in 2000 when he convinced a bunch of folks that he had a better environmental record than Al Gore... which probably cost Al the Presidency.

Perhaps we should bring out the Beating A Dead Horse Award instead?

Awards Shows

I mentioned earlier that Wil Smith won an "academy award" - and that was the West Point award... so it wasn't a lie, just not the whole story.

Well this is fact - Lindsay Lohan and Eddie Murphy have taken 11 of 12 Golden Raspberry Awards - AKA the Razzies - for "I Know Who Killed Me" and "Norbit" They just missed a clean sweep - but failed at that too, because neither was a sequel or prequel.

Okay - Norbit was SO BAD that Eddie "won" for worst Actor and Supporting Actor in this sh*tfest!

And I love this - Lohan won two worst actress awards for playing twins in I Know Who Killed Me, in a film that was named the worst of the year.

She also won worst screen couple for a scene in which she appears opposite herself in the tale about psychically linked siblings stalked by a serial killer.

I Know Who Killed Me, a total bomb with only $9m worldwide box office, won eight of nine Raspberries for which it was nominated, breaking a record of seven wins previously held by Showgirls and Battlefield Earth.

Let me repeat that. Let this sink in. I Know Who Killed Me is now officially WORSE than Showgirls AND Battlefield Earth. Therefore, I do believe, it is now the worst film in the modern era.

The following is a list of this year's Razzie winners:

Worst Picture: I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Actor: Murphy in Norbit
Worst Actress (tie): Lohan as twin sisters Aubrey and Dakota in I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Supporting Actress: Murphy in Norbit
Worst Supporting Actor: Murphy in Norbit
Worst Screen Couple: Lohan & Lohan in I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Remake or Rip-off: I Know Who Killed Me, based on several films
Worst Prequel or Sequel: Daddy Day Camp
Worst Director: Chris Siverston for I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Screenplay: Jeffrey Hammond for I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Excuse for a Horror Movie (New Category): I Know Who Killed Me.

Chicago Sporting News

Scanning the sports page of beloved and battered Chicago sports franchises,
I see that Brain Griese will be out of a job soon.

Allow me to explain my thoughts on this matter.

Rex is signed first as a stop gap for the 2008 season and second, at a spectacular discount because of his QB rating and marketability on the grand stage. Remember that he was benched following the third game after the Super Bowl? Yes, he returned for five more games. Then injured his left knee. Not even the Dolphins are interested in a free agent Grossman, folks.

On top of it all, Rex will have to compete with NeckBeard-Orton for the top spot. Looks like a win-win for the boys upstairs?

My guess is that the Bears will be looking to draft a QB - and then Griese will not even be invited to camp, probably cut as soon as March since he's due a $300,000 roster bonus.

Hell, for that kind of money they could sign someone to catch the ball or even receive the ball that is thrown from one of these three magic QB's? If only such a position existed in the NFL...

I guess that the Bears are signing Grossman to leverage to bring back wide receiver Bernard Berrian back to the team? Since, you know, he becomes a free agent Friday?

Ah, don't hold your breath - SuperAgent Drew Rosenhaus said Saturday he expects Berrian and fellow client Lance Briggs to enter free agency rather than sign a contract with the Bears.

Go figure.

This isn't a reward for Rex, it is punishment.

The only receiver left is Hester.
Cedric Benson will end up as the starting running back again.
The O-line now another year older and slower than last year.

A second note caught my eye:
Derreck Lee will be 4th in the batting order, playing clean up for Fukadome.
Soriano-Theriot-Fukudome going 1-2-3

Derrek Lee to the No. 4 hole and Aramis Ramirez to No. 5, it looks like Piniella has it backward. (wha? No? Hey, read the Masthead! It's called Blasphemes for a reason.) With Ramirez batting clean-up for most of last year, the Cubs ranked third among NL teams in RBIs from the No. 4 hole (122), and second in batting average (.312). Keep Ramirez batting fourth, where he’s performed well, and use Lee fifth.

Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Oh, it's Lou. Never mind. It'll change three more times by Wednesday.

Campaign Uniforms

Faithful reader J from Chi has sent me a delightful link to some new products for the Baseball Season. Specifically Sen. Obama. They're obviously trying to ride the wave of Obama-rama. Why not make a couple bucks at the same time?

They have created a couple logos on shirts to mimic MLB Baseball teams, with Obama's name AS the logo. It's funny in a 1993 Rave poster kind of way. They've got Boston, NY Mets, and Philly - but I think J would like this one the best.

In all fairness, I don't want to stand out promoting only one team here... so here's a baseball uniform that I think represents John McCain's candidacy appropriately...

If you don't get the gag, you should click on the picture...

As for team Hillary - I think the easiest way to exemplify her, the easy joke would be to take a screen cap of League of her Own - call it team Nutcrackers... that would be fine if I was just going to play up her tough, aggressive style... but I'd be missing the huge element of the legacy of her husband Bill.

So I came up with this:


Yeah, that is Sen. Obama throwing out the first pitch at a White Sox game at U.S. Cellular Field in Chicago.

Military Academy Award

Will Smith will not be getting an Academy Award (or Oscar TM) this year. However, his amazing acting ability has finally been properly recognized. "I Am Legend" earned a different "academy" award — from the cadets at the U.S. Military Academy West Point.

Smith won the first Cadet Choice Movie Award, which was designed to honor the fictional character that best personifies West Point leadership qualities on the silver screen.

Smith's played an Army virologist Dr. Robert Neville, and is the lone survivor of a zombie-making virus that devastates Manhattan.

Nominated for his "value-based leadership," Smith locked down 27 percent of the cadets' 2,200 online votes.

I haven't watched the newest version of this story. The last version I saw was The Omega Man... but if memory serves, didn't the guy who survives CREATE the virus that created the zombies in the first place?! So this exemplifies Values?

Runners-up included King Leonidas of "300," portrayed by Gerard Butler, and John McClane of "Live Free or Die Hard," portrayed by Bruce Willis.

Look, if 300 or John McClane can't win in this contest, I'm going to suggest that the ballot box was somehow broken or tampered with.

Blasphemous Post for Feb 22

This Jesuswitch is just wrong wrong wrong. WRONG. I'll order 10 please.

(thanks Gizmodo for the heads up... I'm goin' to hell, aren't I?)

RollerCoaster Massacre

Witness the horror of the RollerCoaster Tycoon Massacre

Creationists Fail in Florida

Creationists: "If you put evolution in textbooks, you have to call it a scientific theory."
School Board: "Um, sure. And let's teach kids what that actually means too."
Creationists: "HAHAHAHA... wait, what?"

The Florida Board of Education officially upheld evolution yesterday.

The board didn't quite mean to do that, of course. In a 4-3 vote, the Board accepted a proposed curriculum that replaced all references to evolution with the phrase "the scientific theory of evolution." In so doing, the board inadvertently made evolution central to public school science education, and also, almost incidentally, mandated education on just what constitutes a "scientific theory." (linky-to-story in Wired)

I love it when Creationists show short sighted and the inability to smell a trap by smart people. Apparently, the opposition only needed to put a brown paper bag on the floor, and the Creationists wouldn't have been able to escape it.

Not only will Florida's students learn about evolution; they'll also learn that the scientific definition of a theory is different from the everyday definition , referring not to wild-eyed speculation but to a vast body of observation and testing that confirms a hypothesis so strongly that it might as well be considered fact.

Thanks and a shout out to religious critics of evolution education. The language change will better help Florida's children understand not only evolution, but science itself.

Suck it.

If I Were President

Wyclef Jean "If I were President..." It was much funnier live.

"Obama and Hillary have comp-etiti-on..."

Science Wiz educational sets

This is one of the new toys coming out soon. It was featured in the NYC Toy fair 2008. Let me ask, frankly, what are you people thinking? Can you imagine naming a kid's game Gloppy Gooey DNA Party? Is this a game for child molesters? Just look at the box - there's a dude watching these kids playing with stringy strands of DNA. That's not a lab coat or anything, he's just a dude with a white t-shirt and jeans watching these little kids are all playing with his drippy gooey gloppy DNA.

The company name is ScienceWiz - is that like some kind of golden shower thing? I don't know!? I know for sure it's up there with AquaDots as a fantastic idea for kid's toys! AquaDots, you'll remember, was tiny little beads made with date rape drug compounds. link to that story

Hopefully the geniuses at ScienceWiz will figure this out before someone posts a blog about it or posts it on FARK.com or somethin'....

Direct Hit

...and hey, why is my DirecTV out?

The U.S. Navy said Thursday it was tracking debris from a spy satellite it destroyed using a missile fired from an American warship.

The White House ordered the satellite's destruction due to concerns that its onboard fuel supply could pose a toxic hazard if the craft re-entered over a populated area.

Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh..... so that's the cover story they're publishing.

I've been holding off discussing this until they confirmed that they hit it.

Couple things I've been thinking about why the trouble to shoot down that satellite:

1. It's the Andromeda Strain. Nuke it while it's in orbit, it's the only way to be sure.
2. Really sensitive material on board - and I'm not talking about the fuel. It's the same thing as all that cover-up Roswell crap. Our best spy satellite goes on the clink - maybe they forgot to carry the two or convert from English to Metric (again!) and it's broke. It'll probably survive re-entry. You can imagine what kind of cool lenses, the hard drives, the led displays and stereo equipment that the everybody would like to take a look at.
3. Nuclear powered - ooooppppsss. Best to let that plutonium burn up in the atmosphere than cause further mutations in West Virginia. And also have to admit that we're launching nuclear powered spacecraft. "It's not like it's going to come down and... oh, yeah."
   
4. The Chinese did it first - now we have to prove that we can do it too!
   
5. Suck it China - we did it from a boat! Boo-yah!
   
6. We have 30 million bucks laying around, so ah what the hell. What else could we do with it?
   

Black Hole

Director David Fincher has a new graphic novel adaptation on the horizon, the big screen treatment for Charles Burns' Black Hole.

Unfortunately, this would not be the Disney film with the Red cyborg Maximilian that scared the crap out of you when you were 5. Like I was hoping when I first read this...

After Fincher completed Zodiac and The Curious Case of Benjamin Butter for Paramount, Fincher is also working on Torso and a new remake of The Killer. Brad Pitt's production shingle Plan B and producer Kevin Messick have been developing the new project, based on the 12-issue graphic novel by Burns.

Plot Concept: Set in the suburbs of Seattle during the mid-1970s the book follows a group of mostly middle class teenagers who over the summer contract a mysterious sexually transmitted disease known as "the Bug" or "the teen plague", which causes them to develop bizarre physical mutations, turning them into social outcasts. Several teens with the bug find seclusion at "The Pit", an encampment in the woods outside of town. Later some of the characters move to a tract house while its owners are on vacation. Burns has said that the mutations can be read as a metaphor for adolescence, sexual awakening and the transition into adulthood.

This sounds more like a cautionary tale about anal sex... what? Come on! Am I the only one...?

501 on the March

Documentary On 501 Legion

George Lucas is backing a new feature length documentary about the 501 Stormtrooper legion entitled Star Warriors. The film is being put together by the same team that brought you the documentary Look, Up in the Sky!: The Amazing Story of Superman, which was quite good, actually.

They're still putting the finishing touches on the documentary, which may first air on The History Channel before going to DVD.

You know, I'd typically say something about these 30-40 year old virgins for a cheap laugh... and their 501 Legion. But when they get together and march in formation - it is nothing short of evoking "holy Sh*t, Imperial Troops are marching on main street!" As far as hobbies go these guys are more intense than most nerds, especially since it requires sunlight and marching!

Documentaries about insane hobbyists are always quite good. Fast, Cheap and Out of Control is a great example.

Lucas employs the 501 Legion in promo stuff for his films, and for Celebration events. It is a nod from himself to the fans, and he takes this acknowledgment one step further now by funding a documentary about some of his most hard-core enthusiasts. It is classy and kind that he choose to back this documentary. Lucas never seems to be embarrassed by the most seemingly ridiculous of Star Wars fans, as they have bought him his Death Star. For the most part, he is allowing people to enjoy his work the way they want to; and that is cool.

Can't Loose Them All

Tick a win for the smokers!

The U.S. Supreme Court tossed out Maine's law taxing the Internet sales of tobacco products, a statute intended to keep cigarettes out of minors' hands by regulating transportation companies, and raising Maine's taxes.

In a unanimous ruling, the justices concluded the federal government's overall interstate commerce authority trumped the state's public health policing powers. A federal appeals court earlier had found the law unconstitutional.

Imagine that? Trade and commerce more important than health. Well, you are livin' in 'Merica.

Don't cough too long there, Mr. Blacksmoke center. This ruling just shows lawmakers the "correct" way to write their legislation that will enforce morality. After striking down this law, they practically begged Congress to come up with a Federal replacement. Just another one of those pesky imprudent interjection of the Court's opinion into a political question.

(singing) Livin' in 'Merica! I feel (cough-cough-cough) go on with out me. I'm just going to catch my breath...

McCain Gettin' Some?

NY Times (linky) has written a story about a possible John McCain sex scandal. Republican leadership has sighed because it actually involves an adult female woman and (so far) no bathrooms.

The boiled down version of the story:
When Senator John McCain’s first ran for the White House he almost got nailed for (possibly) being too close to the lobbyist. One in particular.

A female lobbyist had been turning up like a groopie with him at fund-raisers, visiting his offices and accompanying him on a client’s corporate jet. Convinced the relationship had become er, more than just friends, some of his top advisers intervened to protect the candidate from himself — instructing staff members to cock block her.

When The News reported that McCain had written several letters to government regulators on behalf of the lobbyist’s client, some thought this was going to pop.

McCain, 71, and the lobbyist, Vicki Iseman, 40, both say they never had a romantic relationship. But to his advisers, even the appearance of a close bond with a lobbyist whose clients often had business before the Senate committee Mr. McCain led threatened the story of redemption and rectitude that defined his political identity.

So this is the classic get the Senator to fall in love with the hot babe, she's really a femme fetal - and she's been taking pictures for her bosses to hold over his head if he doesn't vote their way. Hasn't that plot line been played out already?

And just a reminder for you youngsters reading along, McCain was one of the Keating Five. So Sen. McCain has a bit of a history playing the field when he wasn't supposed to.

Well this all just got a lot more fun! Huckabee's still in it, right?

A History of Evil

About 5 minutes of stick figures

Wolverine movie casting update

Because you all seem to love geek casting announcements, here's some news: According to Superhero Hype, Friday Night Lights cast member Taylor Kitsch has landed the role of the rajun cajun, Gambit, in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Meanwhile, over on Ain’t It Cool News, they say that Ryan Reynolds has landed one of the two superhero roles that he was born to play, that being the part of the masked merc with a mouth, Deadpool.

Since Deadpool was once in the Weapon X program it makes sense that he’s included in this film. As for Gambit, well, he’s super popular among X-Men fans so the producers have to squeeze him in there somewhere. The character almost made it in X-Men: The Last Stand but got dropped as the storyline grew and the amount of screen time that could have been devoted to introducing new mutant characters shrank.

Friday Night Light's Kitsch could be a good fit for Gambit. He’s got stubble and long hair so at least he’s got the look. He's going to have to nail that New Orleans accent. This might be a fanboy's dream date! As for Reynolds, he’s been itching to play either The Flash or Deadpool for years. Now he’ll have a chance to play at least one superhero that wears red spandex. Suuuupper.

Wolverine is presently filming in Australia under the direction of Gavin Hood (Tsotsi). It’s targeting a May 2009 release date.

Delta Chi Pledges Destroyed Super 8

In what could give fraternities everywhere a bad name, a Delta Chi chapter in Colorado has been suspended after nine of its underage pledges were arrested early Sunday for allegedly trashing motel rooms in Estes Park.
Ah....

Police found strewn with broken furniture and splattered with blood and vomit. Oh, and there was the matter of a coffee pot that had somehow been filled with urine.

Harry Potter?

Boys will be boys. Ashton Kuncher next to Jason Schwartzman?
Police reports detailed, ""Bottles of liquor and a keg of 'Keystone Light' beer were found on scene." The pledges, who were apparently imbibing, were charged with felony criminal mischief and underage drinking." A whole Keg of Keystone?

Half these guys look like they're joining the cast for the Colorado That 70's Show for Chrikes sake!
Wanna' bet this guy on the left was their 'leader'? He's the only one who looks like he could, even remotely, ever get served.

Damage was estimated to be more than one thousand dollars. Looks like it's time for an Alumni fund raiser?

Obama Option?

Armstrong Williams reports (link-o) that the Obama campaign and New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg have devised a plan in the event that Hillary gets the nomination. Bloomberg would give $1 billion to Obama to run as an independent with Bloomberg as his running mate. It's just a rumor, but if it happened, it would probably destroy the Democrat Party (as we know it).

Don't forget: the Clintons' desire for power supersedes the voters, the Democrat Party, and the country. The purpose of superdelegates is for party elders to wrest control of the nomination in case the people make the wrong choice. This is if Hillary "wins" some how. It will then blow-up the Democrat convention, just like in 1968.

Enter Bloomberg.

And Bloomberg would have to be the VeeP on this ticket, ala- McCain-Feingold rules.

Let's do some math. Don't worry, it's simple math.

Say this all happens as outlined. Say McCain is the nominee and gets 40% of the vote. That would be a very low figure for the Republican nominee, but let's pretend attainable by McCain.

That leaves 60%. Let's say this is the best third party run in the history of America and Obama grabs 35% of the vote, to Hillary's 25%. Or reverse those tallies if you like, makes no difference. This is a math problem, after all. If you keep asking questions, I'll put them all on a train too.

Let's just say it breaks down 40% > 35% > 25%.

Good morning, President McCain.

Manga Christ Compells You

He’s dark, he’s moody and he deals in miracles. He is Christ.

That’s the portrait of Jesus depicted by a British artist in a new, abridged version of the Bible illustrated in the “manga” style, the Japanese form of comic books.

The Manga Bible, created by Ajin-bayo Akinsiku, known as Siku, has earned rave reviews in the Christian community and has been endorsed by the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, who is quoted in the book’s blurb as saying: “It will convey the shock and freshness of the Bible in a unique way.”

All I want to know is - what is Manga Christ doing with that Right Hand of God?

It's Illinois fault... but not why you think

Mark Ames has shifted the blame for the NIU shooting from the EmoDicklessAsshole off his meds and is blaming Illinois and NIU. It's a new one for me. He states that NUI is a mediocre school for mediocre students, and suggested that the "flat" plains of Middle America could make anyone shoot up a school or a post office. The headline was:

Northern Ill. University: Was the Killer Crazy, or the Campus Hopeless? Bracket this massacre as the work of a lunatic on drugs, and you miss the chance to consider the horrors of life in middle America.

Ames granted that the killer, EmoDicklessAsshole, was a loser -- if we grade on a curve for the depressing Midwest: "Let's assume he's at least partly right: EmoDicklessAsshole probably was a loser, by the standards of Midwestern American winners." Ames trolled the message boards of college students looking for people trashing NIU, which he summarized: "What you find is an enormous amount of anger and regret -- the sort of regret you'd expect from a middle-aged Willy Loman looking back on a wasted life."

After Ames circulated several hate-NIU notes, he concluded that perhaps the college in some way earned the massacre with its mediocrity:

If you're wondering why [EmoDicklessAsshole] transferred out of NIU to the University of Illinois-Champaign last spring, this might help explain it; if you're wondering, as many bloggers have, why he'd come back and shoot up NIU rather than his current university, these sentiments are at least worth considering.

Then Ames concluded by turning his attention to the broader Midwest:

[EmoDicklessAsshole]'s hometown, Elk Grove Village, Illinois, is also revealing of the vast, flat middle of Middle America. Located on the edge of Chicago's hyper-busy O'Hare Airport, Elk Grove Village has a humble population of roughly 40,000 almost all-white middle-class citizens ...

Scratching the surface of his life -- a very familiar, flat sort of American Hell -- makes his need for medications a bit more understandable, as is the case for the millions of Americans like him who take psychiatric medication. Indeed, someone who wouldn't turn to antidepressants would, in my opinion, be the sick one.

If we bracket his massacre as the work of an evil lunatic on drugs, we'll miss yet another opportunity to genuinely examine what life is like for most Americans today, who live in that terrifying gap between the official propaganda about a nation of happy fun-loving Number Ones, and the reality of mediocrity, petty malice, and a flat physical setting that reflects the malice and mediocrity of its town elders.

Unbelievable. It's the shiatty school and track houses and box stores in Elk Grove Village that made EmoDicklessAsshole kill 5 students now. Or maybe it was just because these people went to a crappy college in a dirty "farmer" town?

Just so we're all clear, it's not medication. Even though the Va Tech shooter, the Amish shooter, Andrea Yates, Phil Hartman's wife, and one of the Columbine shooters were all on some type of psycho drug. No. It's the Suburbs that's shooting up these schools.

At least it's not the guns that are killing all these people. Again - to brush off my original point - the blame hot-potato has been caught by: crappy college campus, rural Hell, prescription drugs, gun-free zones, the death of America's cultural soul, low social status, violence in the media and video games, lack of spirituality, gun availability, shiatty jobs, lack of help for the mentally ill, the 'sham' of the American dream, media glorification of these events, school bussing, and because the shooter had a penis.

But never once has Personal Responsibility caught the blame.
(Here's Mark's original post)

Roger Ebert hates Cap'n Bruce

The following was a letter written to Roger Ebert in the Chicago Sun Times.
It's in response to Roger's article on Taxi to the Dark Side. Remember - the whole point is that Roger wrote, "what's the other side?"

"Taxi" and torture: You tell me

By Roger Ebert

Letter to Roger from CPT Bruce, U.S. Army, El Paso, TX:

Roger Ebert writes: "Yet I know I will get the usual e-mails accusing me of partisanship, bias, only telling one side, etc. What is the other side? See this movie, and you tell me."

1. I am a Military Intelligence officer in the Army and a combat veteran of the Iraq Conflict.

2. I have personal experience with detainees and cases of detainee abuse.

3. I have served with and performed combat patrols with Army Interrogators.

4. I have the upmost respect for our intelligence Soldiers and Officers.

5. In all my time in the Army I have not once witnessed something immoral, unjust, or unlawful on behalf of an Army Interrogator.

6. I say this having the experience of working in a tightly controlled environment where I worked hand-in-hand with Interrogators who processed well over 400 detainees during a 12-month tour in Iraq.

Those are the facts, Roger.

What personal experience do you have with Army Interrogators in combat?

You cry for the weak and pity these terrorists as if you were their brother in arms. I'm not going to lecture you on bias, partisanship, or any other political matter, because it is evident that you are a liberal (you admitted it in your review on Gore's Documentary) and an apologist.

What I am going to tell you is that "the other side" of this story is entirely contradictory to the events you see in this movie. This is the same type of smear campaign presented by the NYT in their "War Torn" series, merely attacking veterans and Soldiers among other things. And you buy right into it.

I'll tell you what the "other side is." The other side is you putting on a vest of armor and seeing our Soldiers in action. Until then, you don't have the credibility to talk about what happens over there in Iraq/Afghanistan. You call on your critcs to "see this movie."

Well, Mr. Ebert, I call on you to get on over to the real thing: put your money where your mouth is, and stop preaching from the couch.

Thought I'd share that with you to generate some comments this Monday morning.

Read My Lips

McCain Says No New Taxes

WASHINGTON (AP) — Republican John McCain says there will be no new taxes during his administration if he is elected president.

"No new taxes," the likely GOP presidential nominee said during a taped interview broadcast Sunday.

Nevermind that in September, he was forced to defend his refusal to sign a no-new tax pledge offered by the conservative Americans for Tax Reform...

Hey look, WAFFLES ARE WINNING!

Aurora Bomb

Police investigate explosion in downtown Aurora building (link)

AURORA -- An explosive device detonated in a downtown Aurora building Saturday morning, damaging dozens of windows on two levels.

The force of the blast destroyed dozens of windows on the first two levels on the west side of the building.

The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosions, Aurora Police, the Kane County Sheriff Department’s Bomb Squad, Aurora Fire Department Arson Investigators are conducting the investigation into the explosion.

When the hell are we going to wake up and BAN the bomb already?! The answer is simple - if bombs weren't available to the public, this wouldn't happen. There is no reason why anyone who is not employed in law enforcement or building demolition needs a bomb. Isn't it enough that our men and women in uniform are being blown to bits by roadside bombs, now we're getting blown up at home? If we'd only stop glamorizing bombs in video games and movies this sort of senseless bombing would end!

Stuff White People Like

Recycling is a part of a larger theme of stuff white people like: saving the earth without having to do that much.

Recycling is fantastic! You can still buy all the stuff you like (bottled water, beer, wine, organic iced tea, and cans of all varieties) and then when you’re done you just put it in a DIFFERENT bin than where you would throw your other garbage. And boom! Environment saved! Everyone feels great, it’s so easy!

This is important because all white feel guilty about producing waste. It doesn’t stop them from doing it, but they feel guilty about it. Deep down, they believe they should be like the Native Americans and use every part of the product or beast they have consumed. Though for many white people, this simply means putting plastic bags into a special drawer where they will accumulate until they are eventually used to carry some gym clothes or bathing suit. Ultimately this drawer will get full and only be emptied when the person moves to a new house. Advanced white recyclers will uses these grocery bags as garbage bags.

If you are in a situation where a white person produces an empty bottle, watch their actions. They will first say “where’s the recycling?” If you say “we don’t recycle,” prepare for some awkwardness. They will make a move to throw the bottle away, they will hesitate, and then ultimately throw the bottle away. But after they return look in their eyes. All they can see is the bottle lasting forever in a landfill, trapping small animals. It will eat at them for days, at this point you should say “I’m just kidding, the recycling is under the sink. Can you fish out that bottle?” And they will do it 100% of the time!

The best advice is that if you plan to deal with white people on regular basis either start recycling or purchase a large blue bin so that they can believe they are recycling.

(Cutn'pasted from Stuff White People Like)

Week in Review

What a week it's been.

Waffles continue to kick Pancake's ass in the Final Throwdown.
French Toast surrendered.

5 people are killed by an Emo kid off his meds, which threw more gasoline on every debate except for crazy people going on killing rampages that end in suicide. Instead we get people standing on chairs yelling about gun control, video games, movies, and everything else except responsibility - as usual.

Pitchers and Catchers have reported in. The Cubs are favorites to win after a 100 years - at least, according to Ryan Dempster.

And Hillary and Obama continue to keep their party split in two. The intertubes are infected with both of their viral videos. Obama's is slick while Hillary's is just kind of ick. Meanwhile Mike Huckabee continues to rub sandpaper inbetween John McCain's thighs.

Will it end in consolidation? Will everyone live happily ever after? Will John ever get the sandwich he ordered? Stay tuned next week.

Cloverfield Monster

If you want a look at the big scary Cloverfield monster (toy) here you go. Spoiler - ala this toy from Hasbro.


I haven't seen it.

I was told I was spot on with the "Blair Witch meets Godzilla"

Scroll down for these pics.


If