Mar 31, 2008

Obama Beats McCain...

's brackets...

Neither Barack Obama nor John McCain is going to win the office pool, but Obama has clinched the contest-within-a-contest between the candidates, which will decide the presidential election.

McCain, mired in 14th place -- can earn points only by North Carolina winning its semifinal and the Championship Game. Obama, who has 70 points on him, also has the Tar Heels to win it all, so McCain can't pick up any ground.

So, now that's settled - let's focus on that baseball game.

Why DirecTV Sucks

I decided that I'd go with the wall electricity mounted thing for my DirecTV On-Demand thing.

I discussed with my IT department. Okay, my buddy who's an IT professional. He looked at the website while I was on the phone, and we BOTH thought it'd be good enough for the applications we were talking about.

I even posed the question to you - my dear readers of Blasphemes (although, no one commented on it)

So I got the wall mounted "Kit" to create a "Network" shipped to the place where I'm going to use the thing.

I have ONE device. This is neither a "Kit" nor a "Network" by the simple definition of the words.

Pissed, I called our good friends at DirecTV - first I spoke to the computer that asked me what's wrong? I shouted into the receiver to explain my concerns...
The computer asked, "You're too angry for my voice recognition software to understand. Here's a help menu of simpleton topics that I DO understand, such as 'NASCAR.'
I was forced to calmly try to explain 'Service'. Twice. I was still too angry the first time.

Billing picks up. (but I don't know that yet)

I explain my situation, I explain that their picture of two units as part of the "kit" online would suggest that the "network" would have been sent in one nice package. Their web site is garbage, unclear, and on the verge of 'bait and switch.' Even my IT guy didn't see that there needed to be TWO purchases.

The fellow on the phone informs me that he's with billing - and will happily send me over to "Technical."

"How is some one reading a script on the Technical side of the room going to solve my problem of you people b*llsh*tting me into thinking that I was getting the whole "network" with one purchase?"

"I don't know, but let me send you over to Technical. Hold please."

This was actually a much longer conversation - however, I'm condensing it for the sake of humor and time.

Technical - "[Exhale, cough. Possible Bong hit?] Name and info.
Give it to him for a third time.
"What's seems to be the problem... ?"
I get into it. You're not going to help me. You don't understand. I'm pissed that I'm spending ANOTHER 35 bucks (70 total now, for a 'free' On-Demand Service) I'm out time, I'm out ANOTHER 35 bucks, I'm waiting another 5 days to get the OTHER part that I THOUGHT I was getting in the first place.

He tries to order it too. He disagrees. He sees the same picture I do. I argue semantics of the English language that a "Network" would constitute a closed and complete system. Not one part.

Someone else calls on the other line. I know I'm not getting a discount, an apology or even less than a finger from Dopey McDope on the 'Technical' side of the telephone.

Maybe I thought I WAS entitled to something Free... what was my point? Why should I have wasted my time? Shouldn't I have just sent it back? What's my purpose in life? What is God and the Afterlife... Muddafuggas shouldn't have put that picture on the fuggin' website!

Am I retarded? Can I not read? Feel free to leave your comments.

NOTE: The picture has CHANGED since my tirade this afternoon. The "First" Networked will require 2 WAS NOT on there when I first ordered the product. Yea me.


There are five distinct words here. When “affect” is accented on the final syllable (a-FECT), it is usually a verb meaning “have an influence on”: “The million-dollar donation from the industrialist affected the Senator's vote against the Clean Air Act.”

Occasionally a pretentious Spelling Nazi will affect an artificial air of sophistication. Speaking with a borrowed French accent or ostentatiously wearing a large diamond tongue stud might be an affectation. In this sort of context, “affect” means “to make a display of or deliberately cultivate.”

Another unusual meaning is indicated when the word is accented on the first syllable (AFF-ect), meaning “emotion.” In this case the word is used mostly by psychiatrists and social scientists— people who normally spell it to keep up the air of jackassery.

The real problem arises when people confuse the first spelling with the second: “effect.” This too can be two different words. The more common one is a noun: “When I failed to clear the bong, the effect was that the house filled with smoke.” When you affect a situation, you have an effect on it.

The less common is a verb meaning “to create”: “I’m trying to effect a change in the way we purchase widgets.” No wonder people are confused. Note especially that the proper expression is not “take affect” but “take effect”—become effective. No one said English was logical: just memorize it and get on with your life.

All that sh*t you own? Your personal effects.

Mar 29, 2008

Not Going Anywhere

“There are millions of reasons to continue this race: people in Pennsylvania and Indiana and North Carolina and all of the contests yet to come, this is a very close race and clearly I believe strongly that everyone should have their voices heard and their votes counted and that includes Michigan and Florida.”

Then, she added: “There is a lot still to be done and I’m looking forward to campaigning hard over the next several months.”

This just hours after Senator Patrick Leahy, Democrat of Vermont, said Mrs. Clinton “has every right, but not a very good reason, to remain a candidate for as long as she wants to.”

“Superdelegates should exercise their right and their responsibility to determine who they think would be the best president and who would be the best nominee to defeat John McCain in the fall,” Mrs. Clinton said. “That’s the way our process is set up. That’s the way it will operate.”

On the campaign trail, Sen. Obama mentioned that the race was akin to a good movie, which had lasted too long.

Clinton added, "I like long movies."

Mar 28, 2008

Talkin' Baseball

Spring has sprung and it’s time for baseball season to begin. No word from Killre or OneF on their picks, so in the mean time we've asked J from Chi's his picks. As a special treat, and, in an effort to sell more albums - Fred Schneider of the B-52s has asked us to post his unique take on the upcoming season. Oh, and they picked some stuff in that other league too for some reason.

J from Chi ________Fred Schneider

NL East
1. Philadelphia-They have the lumber and a decent pitching staff.
Fred’s Take: Talk about Philadelphia Freedom! I’ve got a bun for those Philly cheese steaks.
2. NY Mets-Yes they added Johan Santana, but he only pitches every 5 days. I see lots of injury-prone and/or old cats on this team. Delgado, Pee Hands Alou, Beltran. Pedro is one year older, same goes for Billy Wagner.
Fred’s Take: Ugh..New York City…last time I was there I woke up in assless chaps and my wallet was missing.
3. Atlanta-Not sure bringing back Tom Glavine will do the trick and Smoltz is already hurting.
Fred’s Take: I have to root for the team from my home state…silly!
4. Washington-New park, better results? I’m thinking they take a step forward if they get any help from the pitching staff.
Fred’s Take: Is that foot tapping I hear in our nation’s capital? Is that you Larry Craig??
5. Florida-Craptastic!
Fred’s Take: Miami…the weather is hot and the shirtless boys are hotter! Grrrrr!
Cap'n: Mets, Atlanta, Phillies, Washington, Florida.

NL Central
1. Chicago Cubs-Great pitching depth in case Wood gets hurt or Marquis struggles. Need to get off to a fast start
Fred’s Take: I heard they’re cursed by a big old smelly goat! I’ll lead the parade through Boystown if they finally win the Big One!
2. Milwaukee-Solid lineup and defense should improve moving Braun to left. Pitching is a concern.
Fred’ Take: I heard they have a sausage race…I’m rooting for the Spicy Italian!!
3. Cincinnati-Pinto: Why Cincinnati?.....Bluto(burp) Why not?
Fred’s Take: Adam Dunn’s hung like a donkey?!?...oh wait..his nickname is The Donkey
4. St. Louis-Pujols’ elbow could fall off any minute now or he could tough it out again. Either way the rest of the lineup is weak as is their pitching until Carpenter comes back.
Fred’s Take: I’m drowning in a sea of mullets and white trash…..Be Nice!
5. Houston-Not sure what to make of this team yet..could finish 5th or could finish 2nd. Will score runs in bunches, but do they have pitching issues. 2nd through 5th place is a mystery, I should have pulled names out of a hat.
Fred’s Take: Kaz Matsui has a roid problem, but it doesn’t involve a syringe. Yikes!!
6. Pittsburgh-All aboard the turd train!...nothing to see here.
Fred’s Take: Pirates!! Ahoy sailor!
Cap'n: Cubs, Milwaukee, St. Louis, Reds, Houston, Pitts.

NL West
1. LA Dodgers-I’ll drink that Dodger blue kool-aid. Solid pitching and a good mix of veterans and youngsters.
Fred’s Take: Is there room on that bandwagon Alyssa Milano….I’ll bring my jukebox money!!!
2. Arizona-Should be solid once again. Webb and Haren great 1-2 punch.
Fred’s Take: I’ve got a snake….in my pantsssss!!!
3. Colorado-Hard to believe they made it to the World Series last year, but sometimes the best teams don’t always make it.
Fred’s Take: Does John Elway still play for them?
4. San Diego-Are they going to score any runs with this offense? Mark Prior already scheduled his next surgery.
Fred’s Take: Sea World is a hoot!
5. San Francisco-Terrible….F
Fred’s Take: Hellllllooooo Frissssco!
Capn: Dodgers, Colorado, AZ, San Diego, San Fran

AL East
1. Boston-What’s not to like? Oh yeah…their fans.
Fred’s Take: Kevin Youkilis is the Greek God of Walks….What else are the Greeks famous for?
2. NY Yankees-13 straight years of playoffs end this year. Oh, so sad.
Fred’s Take: See NY Mets comments silly!
3. Toronto-Don’t know much aboot them and don’t really care. Rolen hurt again, what a shocker.
Fred’s Take: Canadians wear too many layers
4. Tampa-Wanted badly to put them in 3rd, but couldn’t do it. IF they would ever sign Barry Bonds, they could finish at .500
Fred’s Take: Never been there
5. Baltimore-They will suck as long as Peter Angelos keeps meddling with his team
Fred’s Take: Crab cakes….fabulous!!
Cap'n: BosSox, Toronto, Yanks, Tampa, Baltimore.

AL Central
1. Detroit-They’ll score more than Bret Michaels on his birthday. Bullpen help will arrive later in the season with the return of Rodney and Zumaya
Fred’s Take: 8 Mile scared the bejebus out of me!
2. Cleveland-Almost knocked off the Red Sox last year, should get another shot.
Fred’s Take: Any team with Wesley Snipes and Charlie Sheen is fine by me.
3. Chicago White Sox-Pitching?? Bueller???
Fred’s Take: Jager, meth and mullets….Oh my!!!
4. Minnesota-Rebuilding while new park is being built. Still not a bad team.
Fred’s Take: I once dated a set of twins. Hottt!
5. Kansas City-Lots of young talent, still a few pieces missing from sniffing the playoffs.
Fred’s Take: Alex Gordon is so hot right now!
Cap'n - Detroit, Cleveland, MN, BlackSox, KS

AL West
1. Anaheim(Not in LA) Angels-Scary lineup, but pitching scares me. Should find a way to win again
Fred’s Take: Did I mention we have a new album out, first one in 10 years.
2. Seattle-Pitching should be solid, not enough hitting to go around.
Fred’s Take: How many silly teams are there in this league?
3. Texas-Could surprise…like that Josh Hamilton story.
Fred’s Take: Beers, steers and queers…my kinda party!
4. Oakland- Rebuilding on the cheap, they will be back sooner than later
Fred’s Take: Those boys in Oakland are a bit rough! Play nice!!
Cap'n: Really, who cares? Fine, I'll just agree with J.

NL Playoff Teams
J's Picks:
1. Chicago
2. LA
3. Philly
4. Milwaukee
Chicago beats Philly and LA beats Milwaukee
Chicago advances to the World Series for the first time since 1945

Still J's Picks:
AL Playoff Teams
1. Detroit
2. Boston
3. Anaheim
4. Cleveland
Detroit beats Anaheim and Cleveland beats Boston
Detroit plays Chicago in the World Series.
Detroit takes home the World Series title. Cubs Woo Lose Woo!

Cap'n - Sure, I almost agree with all that, J.
It sounds well thought out.
Except that I don't think the Cubs will really advance that far.
I want to say, Dodgers in the Series?
Detroit still wins.

99 Years of Fail

(Link Here) Every decade and every season of Cubs futility over the last 99 seasons.

Tinker to Evers to Chance. The Homer in the Gloamin'. Let's play two. Three Finger, Gabby, Swish, Leo the Lip, Slammin' Sammy.

The black cat.

Leon Durham.


At one time, the Chicago Cubs were baseball's preeminent franchise. Of course, that goes back just a few years. The 1906 club won a record 116 games. The Cubs won the World Series in 1907 and 1908. And then came 99 seasons of heartbreak and futility, misery and hope, bad players and bad luck. Somewhere in there, the Cubs became America's lovable losers. (Maybe more losers than lovable.)

As the Cubs embark on their 100th season without having attained a World Series title, their fans are full of optimism. The team made the playoffs last season. Maybe, just maybe, 2008 won't turn out like the past 99 seasons, when something went wrong ... every single year.

ESPN covers it all. Grab an Old Style tallboy 6 Pack and enjoy! (thanks J for the link)

Nancy Takes a Stand?

Nancy: I'm not afraid of you. Hillary: You will be. You will be.

Nancy Pelosi blew off warnings from Hillary Clinton backers Thursday, refusing to acknowledge their veiled threat.

Madame Speaker ignored the Wednesday memo from 20 Clinton fat cats, in which they threatened to stop giving to a House Democratic fund-raising arm Pelosi oversees unless she changes her tune urging superdelegates to follow the lead of voter-chosen delegates.

Her silence was deafening - and only magnified the rancorous chatter reverberating around the Internet. Rancorous chatter-rancorous chatter-rancorous chatter-rancorous chatter-rancorous chatter-rancorous chatter-rancorous chatter reverberating.

Clinton's team says superdelegates may swing their way if she wins the popular vote, and wants Pelosi to button up until all the votes are cast.

This is a battle about as boring as Bella Organa vs the Emperor in the Imperial Senate.

Remakes and Sequels

A list of Remakes you (probably) didn't know were in the works...

The Shadow
Presumably this a reboot of the hilarious-but-iffy Alec Baldwin non-franchise of the mid-90s. Sam Raimi is producing, and the project is at the screenplay stage right now. Expect a release no sooner than 2010.

Battle Royale
The Asian movie is getting a Western remake. Producer Neal H Moritz is currently attached to the project, which has been optioned but not yet got much further. It didn’t help that New Line was linked with funding the film; the same New Line got swallowed up by Warner Bros the other week.

A planned remake of the 1984 movie The Last Starfighter. Nick Castle is currently attached to direct the project (he did the original as well, although his biggest hit as director is the 1993 kids’ movie Dennis).

The Evil Dead
Sam Raimi is attached to the remake of one of his most loved films, with both he and Bruce Campbell on producing duties. Set for release at some point next year even though there’s no sign of cameras rolling.

Knight Rider
Forget the recent TV rebooting, the Weinstein Company has the option to produce a feature film, and the original creator of Knight Rider – Glen A Larson – is hard at work on the screenplay. Expect a release around 2010/11. That is if the new TV version doesn’t kill the franchise stone dead, of course…

Conan The Barbarian
The script is still being written for the remake of one of Arnie’s best-ever roles. It’s a fair bet that Arnie won’t be returning, but Sahara scribes Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer are beavering away on the screenplay. Production may yet start this year.

Logan’s Run
Joel Silver is pushing this long-mooted remake, which has director Joseph Kosinski attached (whose name is also being linked with the new Tron film). Logan’s Run is believed to be first in line, though, and a 2010 release is being mooted.

Death Wish
Sylvester Stallone is set to step into the role made famous by Charles Bronson in a remake of Michael Winner’s violent original. Stallone is set to write, produce and star and ruin it. Production is planned to start at some point this year.

The Taking Of Pelham 123
Tony Scott is directing, and Denzel Washington and John Travolta are starring in a remake of the 1974 Walter Matthau original. David Koepp has written the screenplay, and the film will be released in the Autumn of 2009.

Fahrenheit 451
This has been kicked around a lot. Mel Gibson owned it for a while. Now Frank Darabont – of Shawshank Redemption and The Mist fame – has been linked with a fresh take on the Ray Bradbury book for a while. It seems he’s getting closer to honing a script too for him to direct, but it’s still not ready, so no idea of release date. Tom Hanks to star?

Friday The 13th
Marcus Nispel – director of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake – has inked his name on the dotted to helm the remake of the original Friday The 13th movie. It’s a great solution: run out of sequels, start at the beginning! It’s in pre-production now for a 2009 release.

Last House On The Left
A remake of the brutal 70s Wes Craven movie, this time it’s relative-newcomer Dennis Illiadis in the director’s chair. The cast is rumoured to feature Liv Tyler, along with Monica Potter, Garret Dillahunt and Tony Goldwyn. It’s due to start filming next month,

They’ve given up making sequels, so now they’re remaking the 80s original. No sign of Doug Bradley as Pinhead, but Clive Barker has been involved with the script, and Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury will be making their English language directorial debuts with the project.

Will it be a sequel? Will it be a remake? Will they call it a ‘reimagining’? All these questions and more are set to be answered, as three decades on, Tron will be heading back to the big screen in 2010.

Clash of the Titans
The 1981 film is being remade, and Stephen Norrington has – after not being seen behind a camera since League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen – agreed to direct. He did the original Blade, too. Lawrence Kasdan has been penning the script, and the film is in pre-production for a 2010 release.

A live action version of the iconic anime film of the same name, the adaptation is believe to be being handled in two parts, and Leonardo DiCaprio has been linked with the project. It’s still at the scripting stage, although director Ruairi Robinson is attached to helm.

The Birds
How depressing. Hitchcock getting the remake treatment, with Martin ‘Casino Royale’ Campbell rumored to be directing, and Naomi Watts linked with the project too. It has a release date of July 2009.

Tim Burton’s terrific early short film is being brought to the big screen by… Tim Burton! December 2009 is the targeted release time.

A Nightmare On Elm Street
Hurray! That ‘reimagining’ word is being used to describe the now-in-the-pre-production stages new Elm Street movie. Michael Bay produces, but doesn’t direct. Otherwise there’d be Freddy Explosions!

Westworld has long been mooted for a remake. Billy Ray, who directed Breach and Shattered Glass, is the latest writer to take a stab at the theme-park-attraction-goes-out-of-control concept. Useless without Ule Brenner

The Warriors
Director Tony Scott – once he’s finished on The Taking Of Pelham 123 - remains attached to the proposed remake of Walter Hill’s 1979 classic tale of rival gangs on a mission that takes them across a dangerous city. It’s still in the writing stages, and may be held up in development hell for some time yet.

Alexandra Aja, who enjoyed success with his remake of The Hills Have Eyes, is directing a potentially 3D version of Joe Dante’s terrific original. A 2009 release date has been eyed up.

Escape From New York
Another John Carpenter classic is getting remade, and Terminator 3 director Jonathan Mostow – with Ken Nolan - is taking a stab at the script. No word if he’s going to direct, but a 2009 release is mooted.

Another 80s comedy getting a remake, Meatballs has – oh Jebus – Big Momma’s House 2 director John Whitesell attached to it. Pray that Bill Murray isn’t in it.

Howard Stern’s Porkys
A remake of Bob Clark’s bawdy early 80s comedy, this is still in the planning stages with Howard lending his name to the project and the title. It’s planned to have it ready for 2009. Bababooie!

The Lives Of Others
The stunning German film is getting an American remake, with Anthony Minghella attached to produce, but not direct. It’s only been optioned so far, so 2010 would be the earliest you see it. My advice? See the original. It’s stunning.

Short Circuit
Doggamned Number Five is, still alive. That effing thing must have nuclear batteries. The original screenwriters have come back for a new paycheck to reboot the 80s original. No news of a finished script, director or shooting date. No word if Ally Sheedy, Steve Guttenberg, Fisher Stevens are up for it.

Straw Dogs
Rod Lurie – the man who directed The Contender – is scripting and directing the remake of the Dustin Hoffman-starring original. It’s only been optioned thus far, and so the planned 2009 release date may be optimistic.

Tim Robbins is apparently hunting for the money for a new big screen adaptation of George Orwell’s classic. He’s not having much luck though, we’re led to believe. If you know how hard it was for them to make the other version, (ask David Bowie) in 1983, it might never come to pass.

Red Sonja
Roy Thomas (Conan The Destroyer) has been drafted in to write a screenplay for a new Red Sonja film, although don’t expect Arnie to be in it. Don’t hold your breath waiting for this.

The Dirty Dozen
Alias veteran Josh Applebaum has the unenviable task of coming up with a suitable script for the remake of the original classic. 2010 is the earliest it’ll be released.

What?? The 80s musical could be coming back to life if director Kenny Ortega has anything to do with it. That said, given he directed High School Musical and its spin-offs, he’d probably be allowed to do anything he wanted in Hollywood right now. Sigh. Footloose has thus far been optioned, and may go before the camera this year.

As I mentioned three times before, Frank Herbert’s source material is set to be mined again, for a new movie due out in 2010. Peter Berg, who directed Friday Night Lights (good) Corky Romano (wah!) and Smokin’ Aces (argh!), to wear the puffy pants.

The Thing
Another John Carpenter flick, this time it’s got Battlestar Galactica producer Ronald D Moore attached to it. That said, it’s being described as a companion rather than a remake.

Near Dark
Kathryn Bigelow’s 1987 vampire flick enters the remake chamber, with music video director Samuel Bayer making his debut in the directors’ chair on the film. Cast has yet to be announced, but it appears that Bigelow has had a hand in the screenplay.

The Swarm
Bees! Frank Schaetzing’s book is plundered again for the big screen, with Silence Of The Lambs adapter Ted Tally on scripting duties. No director or cast yet, though. Bees!

Alan Parker’s 1980 musical is being remade by MGM, who originally had a Christmas 2008 release date inked in. Andy Finkman – who directed The Game Plan and She’s The Man – is down to direct, though, and the project will no doubt move forward shortly.

The Witches
Roald Dahl’s book has already been filmed with Anjelica Huston in the leading role, but Guillermo Del Toro is toying with the idea of having a stab himself. No start date has been announced for the project, though.

A list of Sequels you (probably) didn't know were in the pipeline.

Aliens vs Predator 3
Even though the second film was spectacularly awful, it made so much cash across the planet that a third is being put into the production grinder. The Brothers Strause may be attached. That’s the scariest thing about it.

Rambo 5

Jack Ryan 5
Expect a new Jack Ryan, though, with Ben Affleck not likely to get a call back in spite of the success of The Sum Of All Fears. Ryan Gosling is favorite, and Sam Raimi has signed to direct.

Alvin & The Chipmunks 2

Stigmata 2
Our memory of the first film is neither clear nor particularly kind, but MGM is thinking about a follow-up anyway. We imagine that it’s DVD fodder, and it’s due in 2009. Expect nobody that you’ve heard of to be in it.

Cliffhanger 2: The Dam
With Rocky and Rambo revivals bringing home the bucks, the once-mooted Cliffhanger sequel has popped back onto the radar. No news if Renny Harlin would be interested. Come on Sly, why not make Demolition Man sequel while you’re at it?

It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World: The Sequel
Stanley Kramer apparently approved the idea to this before he died. I guess they must have had him pretty doped up. No cast or crew have been announced.

The Ring 3
It’s the dead horse, coming back to life, begging not to be beaten anymore. Hideo Nakata is attached to direct the third American film in the series, albeit with nobody you’ve heard of in the cast this time.

Open Season 2
A straight to video sequel. Should be called the quest for the ATM.

Final Destination 4
David R Ellis, he who directed the second film in the series and Snakes On A Plan has returned to FD4.

Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants 2
A film that only gets mentioned because it fits into this list. The funny part is that Pants means something completely different in England. Imagine the disappointed all the British blokes who paid to see the first one.

Batman: Gotham Knight
Anime style DVD feature length anime adventure for the Dark Knight, with Kevin Conroy voiced the Bat.

Superman: Man of Steel
It is happening. Bryan Singer is still expected to return behind the camera, and Brandon Routh is odds on to return as well. Can’t forgive them for Superbaby. Maybe they’ll introduce Krypto the SuperDog this time? I’m out.

Fast and the Furious 4
More fast cars coming up, as Justin Lin – who helmed the third instalment in the franchise, Tokyo Drift – is back behind the camera. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are back too, and the film heads to cinemas on 5 June 2009.

Underworld 3
Truthfully, were either of the two previous Underworld films actually any good? They have their fans, but enough to warrant a trilogy? Hmmm. Anyway, Kate Beckinsale has jumped ship for part three – the Rise Of The Lycans – and hubby Len Wiseman isn’t directing either. Instead, the current filming film – with Rhona Mitra and Bill Nighy – is being directed by Patrick Tatopoulos, who was production and creature designer on the franchise before. Lost me after “No Kate.”

The Scorpion King: Rise of the Akkadian
We could have sworn this was a videogame, but apparently there’s a film on the way too – unsurprisingly, given that The Mummy 3 is on the way as well. This one’s likely to go straight to DVD, though, not least because Russell Mulcahy (last seen working on Resident Evil: Extinction) is behind the camera. Nobody you’ve ever heard of is in the cast, and the film has wrapped shooting.

Point Break 2
The popular Patrick Swayze/Keanu Reeves surfing action movie is set for a sequel, albeit with a new cast and no sign of original director Kathryn Bigelow. Set 20 years after the original, this time it’s W Peter Illiff who is writing and directing (he had a writing credit on the original). Expect it next year. Doesn’t Swayze have cancer?

Inside Man 2
Spike Lee’s crime thriller original was a good, strongly made but hardly memorable night out at the movies. It did well at the box office, though, and so a script is being written for a potential sequel in 2010.

Baby Geniuses 3
Good God. Apparently, the idea this time is that kids swap roles with their parents. If that means they go and get a job, have to face the realities of the world and stop watching Teletubies.

Little Fockers
It’s due in 2009.

Step Up 3-D
The second film did well. That means a button has been pressed to order a third. That is all.

Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun-Li
No Kylie or Jean-Claude this time round, with the big names in the cast being American Pie’s Chris Klein and The Green Mile’s Michael Clarke Duncan. It’s due out next year, and behind the camera is Doom director Andrzej Bartkowiak.

Spawn 2
A sequel to one of the worst comic-book tie-in movies of all time is in the planning stages. Current status of the project is pre-script, so don’t hold your breath. Todd McFarlane is set to write the screenplay, though.

Boogeyman 3
Must have missed the fact that they did Boogeyman 2 to be honest. More straight to video goodness (or, more likely badness), is already in post-production.

Vacancy 2
A new cast. A new director (Eric Bross, who did a fine little indie film called Ten Benny). A real smell of straight to DVD about it.

Jumper 2
Jumper proved to be a big hit overseas. Early exploratory work has started on a follow-up, and currently Doug Liman’s name is linked with the project. Don’t expect to hear much else on it for a while, though.

Into The Blue 2
Didn’t get enough of Paul Walker and Jessica Alba last time round? Well the chances of attracting them back aren’t great, but that hasn’t stopped MGM from commissioning a sequel to its glossy rip-off of The Deep.

Will it be a sequel, a reboot or a ‘reimagining’? All we know is that it’s on MGM’s production slate right now, even if further details aren’t yet forthcoming. Please leave this alone. If you’re going back to this well, remake RoboCop 2 – one of the WORST movies I’ve ever seen.

This list was “Reimagined” from Den of Geek

Mar 27, 2008

Bleakest Show Ever

This is a straight cutnpaste job - I'm not even going to take the time to rework it.
Bionic Woman executive producer David Eick told SCI FI Wire that he's working on a pilot script for a proposed TV series based on Children of Men, P.D. James' SF novel, which also inspired Alfonso Cuaron's 2006 film of the same name.

"It's really taking root more in the origins of the novels in that it will focus on the cultural movement in which young people become the society's utter focus," Eick (Battlestar Galactica) said in an interview at SCI FI Channel's upfront presentation to advertisers in New York on March 18. "Much like our culture, whenever Lindsay Lohan does something [and] it becomes the headline of every news show, it's about how, when you don't have a responsibility to the next generation and you're free to do whatever you want, where do you draw the line?"

Eick added that Children of Men will question how society defines responsibility, freedom and a sense of values when it doesn't necessarily believe humans will survive as a species. "So it's a very compelling, I think, human question that science fiction has always explored extremely provocatively," he said. "It's not really a war show like the movie was. It's more an exploration of that issue."

Eick is writing Children of Men now, even as he closes out SCI FI Channel's original series Battlestar Galactica and prepares for production on SCI FI's recently green-lighted prequel series Caprica. Eick's Bionic, meanwhile, has been canceled by NBC.
Speaking of canceled - what's the over under on this thing making it past three episodes?

I mean, yeah, I dug this movie. It haunted me.
But to sit through an hour each week of a world that has no future? And then skip through the ads for Pampers and Tide? I really don't see the commercial appeal to this - and am scratching my head on the green light here. I had just finished The Road by Cormack McCarthy and then watched this. What a mind job! Bleak bleak bleak! Something is going on in the zeitgeist gang.

And another thing, that Bionic Woman - I couldn't get past the first five minutes. Instant delete off the TiVo.

Art You Can Appreciate

Remember the picture on the back of your Star Wars figures that showed what was coming out soon, or what you still had to collect?

Well, these Star Wars Action Figure Limited Edition Prints ($30-$80) come from Kim Simmons, the photographer in charge of product shots (packaging, catalogs, publicity images, etc.) for Kenner back in the late 70's/early 80's. There are nine different prints to choose from, in sizes of 8 x 10 to 20 x 24, including the original Boba Fett prototype that fired missiles and such. And the all important group shot.

X-Files 2

"While this is not a mythology movie, it's true to everything that's come before," Spotnitz said at the William S. Paley Television Festival about the new X-Files movie coming out July 25th. "It's true to Mulder and Scully, who they are and where they would be this point in their lives and all of the experiences that they've had."

The series first made the first leap to the big screen with 1998's "The X-Files: Fight the Future." Plans for another film were grounded in 2005 when Carter sued Fox over syndication profits for the show. The lawsuit was later settled. By then, no one gave a crap. Am I wrong?

Carter, who directs the new movie, said it takes place in the present and uses a story envisioned when the series ended. While the show's sprawling alien mythology isn't part of the plot, Carter said there is a reference to Scully's seemingly supernatural son, William, who was born in season eight and later given up for adoption.

I stopped watching about the same time they started shooting the show in LA. And after that doggammed movie. This post is more about putting Gillian Anderson in latex on the Blasphemes site. Enjoy.

Updated Bible Stories

Goliath is now a celebrity binge drinker, Eve is a sex-obsessed man-eater and Noah's wife wants to kill him . . . It's the all new, updated Bible! (Daily Mail)

An Anglican vicar has rewritten the most famous biblical tales because he wants to make them more "accessible" to modern readers.

I guess it's totally fair to just "re-imagine" or make a "special edition" of the Bible now? Groovy! Maybe we can have Marty McFly swoop down on his hover board and save Jesus from Crucifixion?

We can have Moses save the Jews from time traveling Nazis instead of boring old Egyptians!

The author took 10 stories and reworked them. For example: In the nativity story, Jesus is born in an overcrowded house instead of a stable, amid family conflict as Joseph's aunt deals with the fact that he and Mary are not even married.

Wow, why stop there? I mean, let's REALLY update it for today's audience. Why not have Mary be a Meth addict who was molested by her father, who then goes on the Mauray Povich show for a paternity test?
"Joseph... you are NOT baby Jesus's daddy!"

Mar 26, 2008

HillDog Not Lying!

Found this

Looks like ole' HillDog wasn't lying about that trip to Bosnia. She's been in the shiznit.


You're at work. People are getting s-canned because management screwed the pooch, and you're going to eat a big s-sandwich for their mistakes.

Maybe you're in college. You're only sitting through this lecture because the attendance is required. You'll be cheating on this test just like the last one. The last thing you care about is whatever that windbag is talking about.

You're going to get on the bus. You don't want to be bothered, but you've had a bad day at the office. What-r-u gonna' do?

Introducing: Can-o-Flauge!
Just wrap one of these suckers over your brewski - and you're sipping in style! Now you can discreetly hide your alcohol problem with these stylish canoflauge vinyl can wraps. Other covers include: Risk, Peski and Mt. Spew. The full set will set you back $5.89. [PrankPlace via Uncrate]

March Madness

It's almost time for more March Madness. Last week's action was outstanding, a good mix of upsets and wild endings. Kansas and North Carolina steamrolled through the first 2 rounds, while Memphis and UCLA struggled a bit. To use the catchphrase from Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, 12 more teams tour will come to an end after this weekend. Here's my analysis of the Sweet Sixteen.

Let's start in the South. Memphis(Dead Team Walking) should sneak past Michigan St, but it wouldn't shock me if MSU pulled off a mild upset here. Memphis can't make free throws to save their lives and we all know that good guard play and making free throws is key to a deep tourney run. In the other game I like Texas over Stanford. Then Texas to move on to the Final Four, regardless of who they play in the 4th round. Did I mention these games will be played in Houston, yea I like the Longhorns chances of advancing.

Moving to the East. North Carolina is dominating and will shove Washington St. aside. The other game, Tennessee and Louisville intrigues me more. The Cardinals are playing well right now and the Volunteers have struggled and Lofton has a minor leg injury is minor at this stage. Louisville will advance, then fall to the mighty Tar Heels.

Next up is the West. UCLA almost tripped up last weekend, but I expect them to rebound against Western Kentucky. UCLA freshman Kevin Love looks like a combo of Vanilla Ice and Kevin Federline. ICE ICE BABY....TOO COLD! The other game perplexes me, but I see Xavier getting past West Virginia...could go either way. I will stick with my original pick of UCLA in the Final Four, but I wouldn't be shocked if they piss their pants at any point this weekend.

Finally the Midwest. Kansas will keep on keeping on vs. Villanova. Wisconsin will end Davidson's dream season with their mix of defense and sound fundamental play. I like Kansas to advance on to San Antonio, sorry Bucky Badger!

So I still like all of my Final Four picks to advance. Carolina, Kansas, Texas and UCLA...will stay in this tourney and keep rocking my world? That joke was lost on you if you haven't seen Rock of Love. Anyway, that's it until next week when I preview the Final Four and pat myself on the back for getting all 4 correct.

J from Chicago
(c/o Cap'n)

Mar 25, 2008

Package Art

To prove a proverb about not judging a book by it's cover - a German website,, has conducted a study of 100 different products by comparing the look of the products as shown by the packaging with the actual contents inside the boxes. Quoting the website, which is in German: “All products were purchased, the packaging photographed and the contents prepared and photographed too. All products were then eaten up.” and also: “The purpose of the project is not to discredit any brands or products but to critically compare the packaging advertising with the inside contents.”

One quick note, please eat BEFORE you check this stuff out. (And I thought Americans ate some crazy crap...)

Iraq War Updates (with links)

Chevron Corp. and other international oil companies are negotiating with the Iraq Ministry of Oil to begin tapping (finally) into some of the country's largest oil fields, according to published reports. (here's that Link)

The big 4,000 tombstone has been placed, making the media go ape-nuts, remembering that there IS A WAR ON. However, a Pew poll finds that Americans are unaware of the Iraq death toll.. (here's THAT link) Only 28% were correct in saying 4K. A quarter said 5K or more. Everyone else was low balling it. Sounds like a bell curve to me?

Meanwhile, it looks like oil prices may be going back up as the Sadr ceasefire seems to be unraveling... there have been suggestions that the "The Surge" hasn't lowered the death count - The Sadr ceasefire has. (links to those stories)

Petreaus said he has proof that Iran was behind the latest rocket attacks on the Green Zone. The rockets were Iranian-made and supplied by the Quds Force, an elite unit of Iran's Revolutionary Guards. (link to that one)

The day after Cheney left the area, plans were being made for radiation fallout from Iran's nuclear plants being attacked. (Link-O)

Hey, who's winning American Idol? (linky)

And Remember -
If you drive a car, you support the war.

Naming Rights

I was just thinking about the names of things, and the Wrigley Field naming, among others.

And it occurred to me, we change or rename things all the time. It's the major bonus of using English as a language. We can re-name, change the meaning of, absorb words from an indigenous culture, we can even have multiple names for the same exact item or action.

So I propose the following : Let's rename "Canadian Bacon" to "Little Hams"

Never again will Alice the waitress ask you, "Bacon or Canadian Bacon?"
Instead, once our campaign achieves success, Alice will ask, "Bacon, or some little hams?"
You will proudly reply, "Bacon."

Canadian Bacon is actually "back bacon" but who the hell (in this country) would want to know where their food actually comes from?

It shall begin here, on Blasphemes - and sweep across the world.
Little Hams will now be selected as a drunk pizza topping, served for hearty breakfasts, and really lame dinners. Never again will the non-descript "Canadian" word be lazily tacked on to describe a non-bacon product. Now our better, more accurate word will describe what the product is, and how it will taste. A little ham. No surprises, because that's exactly what it is.

Nice. Little. Ham.

Mar 24, 2008

China Nails Her

"The U.S. Speaker became a muckraker of her own hypocrisy when, out of the so-called concerns about human rights in Tibet, she pompously condemned China in Dharamsala, while enjoying the hospitality of the orchestrators of the Lhasa riots.
Pelosi's double standards reveal her motives and those of her kind: their indignation is reserved for those occasions when their interests are best served.
Finding a leverage to tarnish China, 'human rights police' like Pelosi are habitually bad tempered and ungenerous when it comes to China, refusing to check their facts and find out the truth of the case - who is it who is really trampling on human rights? China or the rioters?

Her views are like so many other politicians and western media. Beneath the double standards lies their intention to serve the interest groups behind them, who want to contain or smear China."
Isn't it interesting that a Chinese writer, Xinhua's Wang Jiaquan, has a better grasp of Pelosi's disingenuousness than America's entire press corp?

If you take out the word China - and place, oh, just about ANY other issue of our day, wouldn't it be dead-on accurate?

UnCivil War

We have the leading Democrat presidential primary contender Barack Obama campaigning on Hope.

And Change.

And that we can all unify.

Isn't it a little disingenuous since the Democrats have no hope, can't change, and certainly can't unify their party! So, how exactly are they going to unify the country?

Practice saying "the McCain Administration..." "President McCain...."

Motivation for You

To go along with the FAIL pictures I posted a while ago, here are some Despair-themed motivational posters for you to hang in your next forum, use as computer wallpaper, or just to laugh out loud. Some use naughty NSFW potty language. You've been warned.

If for some reason these aren't big enough for you - click on them, and they will take you to the wonderful world of a bigger window.

GI Joe Movie Updates

The first pictures of Snake Eyes has been released. Ray Parks plays the mute ninja.

That Ray Parks is a good looking man. I can tell from all of his movies.

Meanwhile, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (pops) is going to play Cobra Commander. (3rd Rock from the Sun, The Lookout, Brick) is going to play Cobra Commander. Originally, there wasn't even going to BE a Cobra Commander.

If you read any further you'll be spoiled on what the filmmakers may be trying to make the big twist of the film.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character is Duke's best friend... and he's also Cobra Commander. It would appear that the character was a former Joe who went to the old dark side and started the whole Cobra terrorist organization. I have grown to like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and think he's developing into a terrific actor, but have to wonder if this paycheck is worth it to play Cobra Commander. A goofy role on the best of days. Perhaps this cash will allow him to do more intriguing films, like Brick or The Lookout.

I just don't see why Cobra Commander needs to be Duke's best friend - can't an anti-terrorism task force just be up against a bunch of terrorists? A pre-existing relationship between the good guys and a gang of killer international terrorists is a little too stupid... even for a movie that is based on a doll for boys in the 60's, that was brought back to counter Star Wars as a cartoon in the 80's, to sell 3 3/4 inch toys for little boys.

Meanwhile Hasbro - the maker of those toys, have been putting out 25th Anniversary versions of the old 80's stuff, and in anticipation of the new live action movie - have some new updated toys for the 35 year olds who already bought those toys the first time around - and have added the Weather Dominator and the MASS Device from the original 5 part mini-series cartoons.
If you ever saw the 5 part mini-series BEFORE the run of the regular series in 1983, there were always three major components that (conveniently) broke apart in the first episode and were thrown to three completely different corners of the earth - typically in locals that highlighted a new Joe and his/her vehicle. For example Snow Job. No, really, there was a toy for children called Snow Job...
Anyway - now they've made those toys so that you can have battles in the backyard and the public pool to get the highly prized third piece of the Weather Dominator so you can rain out Opening Day and sue for World Conquest... which was Cobra's plan, I think?